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Original poster

Is this reasonable? Asking DH to cut down on hobby-time

66 replies

Friday999 · 07/04/2015 12:56

I need to find a compromise with my DH, and just wanted some opinions of reasonable-ness before I talk to him.

Since DSS went away to Uni last September, DH and I have had more time to ourselves, and we're both enjoying interests/hobbies we didn't get much time for previously. DH has a hobby, it involves shows/sales/exhibitions etc and I know he really enjoys it. I'm fine with this, and have always been supportive. He used to have spend, on average, one Saturday (full day) per month doing this. It recently became one full Saturday per fortnight, which I was still ok with, but lately it's turning into every Saturday. He's got an exhibition next Saturday, and last night asked if we were doing anything on Sat 18 April, as there's another exhibition he'd like to attend.

And as it's becoming nearly every Saturday, it's starting to feel a bit much. Yes, I can keep myself occupied, I have interests and friends (although at the weekend most of my friends are busy with their own families) but it's starting to feel like an effort to fill every Saturday in his absence, not to mention there's obviously stuff we can't do together if he's not around.

So ......... I'm planning to suggest we compromise, and that he has a Saturday exhibition/show every fortnight, rather than every week. I think this is reasonable, I don't think many married men would get away with, for example, a full day"s golf every Sunday.

DH is generally pretty reasonable and I'm not expecting too much resistance on this issue, but I want to be fair, and would be interested to hear other people's opinions?

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 07/04/2015 17:41

Friday I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself on this one.

A lot of people get annoyed if their partner does something without them on a regular basis but it's more often than not resentment and jealousy that the other person is having fun with friends, with a hobby etc rather than staring at the TV or going round tescos with them.

So do you want to do things with your H or do you just not want him to be so absorbed in something that excludes you?

You need to ask yourself this and think hard!

You have already suggested you are getting to the thumb-twiddling stage on Saturdays so I suspect it's not that you have a full social calendar for both of you but rather you resent him doing something alone.

FloristryCommission · 07/04/2015 22:12

Pinkfrocks has nailed it I think. I get quite arsey with DP's absorbing hobby because it means all the routine, crappy house jobs fall to me because he's always doing his hobby. Angry

TopOfTheCliff · 07/04/2015 23:59

I think one of the joys of the DC growing up has been the chance to take up long neglected hobbies again. My DP has a hobby he does "every day with a Y in it!" and it defines who he is and even his little business. I could no more ask him not to do it than to stop breathing!
If it is making your DH happy and giving you something to discuss together over supper then it is enriching your life together. If it is costing money and making you grumpy then it is not and he should think hard about it.
I think you need to either join in and go with him, or cultivate your own hobby too. Life is too short to waste it titivating the house!! said the woman with an inch of dust on the shelves

BrowersBlues · 08/04/2015 00:09

I think it is selfish of him especially as you both have full-time jobs during the week. Your jobs sound full on and I don't think it is unreasonable to want to chill out with your partner on a few Saturdays each month. I think 2 Saturdays would be sufficient. A lot of hobbies can be done during the week but his seems to be exclusively on Saturdays.

6 days is a long time to spend together without any real downtime. If I was in your situation I would not be happy with my DH commiting to a hobby every single Saturday. You should both be delighted to have more time together at the weekend now that DSS has gone to University.

BoxofSnails · 08/04/2015 05:29

I think you're being very reasonable, tbh - although it depends what your Sundays are like, are you churchgoers? As that eats half our Sundays, so we tend to spend Sunday afternoons visiting elderly relatives and doing housework, so Saturday is our only time together. I'd want two a month - else you can become housemates, which isn't good for your marriage.

chrome100 · 08/04/2015 06:05

I think YABU.

It's one day a week and it's not as though all the childcare is falling to you every Saturday (which would be unreasonable!)

Why don't you find your own hobby? It is not your DP's job to entertain you and you already spend lots of time together now DSS has left home.

MontysMum8 · 08/04/2015 06:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 08/04/2015 06:26

My dh has always had interests which occupy quite a bit of time, but he does them from home so I don't feel too lonely. I think if the OP's dh is likely to be out of the house for the majority of one of the two days a week they have to spend together then that is a bit much, and the OP is totally reasonable to talk to him about it and hope for a compromise. Great to rediscover your own interests, but also important to build a new life together as a couple.

Happyringo · 08/04/2015 06:47

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks really does it - it's what's acceptable for you. My exH used to have several hobbies - he used to first of all do OU then computer gaming in a separate room every night Mon-Thu, then out for drinks with work Fri night, then an outdoor hobby from dawn-dusk Sat and Sun. When dc came along his compromise was to just do the 1 weekend day instead of both. Eventually we were nothing more than housemates - hence now ex!

NorahDentressangle · 08/04/2015 07:01

You need to come up with something nice on a Saturday so you look forward to the day on your own and don't grudge his.

Then Sunday am you both share the housework. Then lovely lunch and the afternoon in bed doing something you both enjoy.

Aridane · 08/04/2015 07:19

I agree with pinkfrocks

outtolunchagain · 08/04/2015 07:55

I think it's awfully restricting if he commits in advance to every Saturday ,it sounds as if he can't just change his mind about attending exhibitions etc.If you both work full time then Sat is the main day for doing things , for example we are trying to put new bathrooms in and need to choose stuff etc.Lots of places aren't open on Sunday's .

Original poster
Friday999 · 08/04/2015 09:51

I'm still mulling this over, and will probably talk to DH about it tonight. I'm coming more to the opinion that a whole Saturday away every week feels like too much (particularly given we both have very busy full time jobs) but if it were every other Saturday - flexibly of course, I don't want to operate a roster system (!) - then this feels far more acceptable.

In fairness to DH, he's never gone to an exhibition without first checking that I'm OK with it, its just that over the past few months it seems to have accelerated. I'm not anticipating this will cause any rows, DH is generally pretty reasonable, but I want to get this sorted out before I become resentful, and I want to make sure I'm being fair, rather than being a dragon or conversely a doormat!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 08/04/2015 10:45

To be sure you're being fair, you have to think about what you want to do on your Saturdays when he is at home. If it's necessary chores then fair enough to expect him to do his share. If it's a leisure activity you both enjoy (a sport or an outing or just a lunch with friends) then fair enough again.

However, if you have nothing interesting to suggest but just want him to 'be there' then you are not being fair - why insist that he's bored just because you are.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/04/2015 10:48

Actually, one other thing: is this exhibition-hobby of his something you really hate? Is it something that if you went along with him you would have to sit there being Supportive Wifey and bored to death (ie it's a series of performances), or could you find things to enjoy about it? You don't have to specify what it is, of course but some exhibition events are held in nice areas, so you could travel with him, explore the town/village, meet him at lunchtime and maybe spend a bit of time at the exhibition as well.

Original poster
Friday999 · 08/04/2015 10:51

If we're both together on a Saturday, then we nearly always do something - particularly now the weather is improving. We both enjoy walking (especially if a nice country pub is involved) and visiting castles, cathedrals and stately homes. We're both fairly active people. I certainly wouldn't expect DH to sit round the house looking at me all day !

OP posts:
Original poster
Friday999 · 08/04/2015 10:53

Solidgoldbrass - sorry, I posted before I saw your second message. Yes, there are occasions when I could join him at exhibitions, he's often offered to take me along.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 08/04/2015 11:04

Have you ever gone along? I have a hobby which takes up a few weekends and sometimes my DS and his dad come along, watch for a bit and then go and amuse themselves locally, which suits us all.

Original poster
Friday999 · 08/04/2015 11:17

I would certainly go along every now again.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 08/04/2015 11:39

Most of the things you mention doing could be done on a Sunday though. I find I need some time to myself to do my own things and a whole weekend of being couply would feel restrictive. Is there nothing you could do on a Saturday any new hobby you could take up or walks you could do alone and have Sunday as doing stuff together days?

pinkfrocks · 08/04/2015 11:41

Are you jealous that he is spending time with other people on other 'things' or do you feel that as a couple you are losing out on the fun stuff you could do together?

Also- did he look forward to spending more time on his hobby once your son was off your hands- or has it gradually evolved?

I think what you are intimating is that you want to do things together and are looking forward to planning those things, whereas he enjoys his own company or that of the people he sees when he goes off with his hobby- and it excludes you.

It's not so much the hobby is it, it's more about your different needs and what you are each willing to put into the relationship. Do you see his behaviour as a sign he is not as willing or invested to have 'couple time' as you are?

I think you ought not to have to spell it out to him in a way because he clearly doesn't see it as an issue. He's not so bothered about having time with you 2 days at a weekend as you are about having him around. I think this ought to be the basis for your talk with him!

Original poster
Friday999 · 08/04/2015 11:43

I also need some time to myself and would enjoy having alternate Saturdays to myself. But even if DH isn't at an exhibition or show, he'll have a few hours' golf, I'll go to the gym, one of us may visit parents etc - I wouldn't want 48hrs of solid couple-time either. I'm just not keen on having a situation develop whereby DH is away for the whole day, every single Saturday.

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 08/04/2015 11:55

But the point Friday is that he doesn't seem to feel the same angst as you do over this Saturday malarky- does he?

If you have to point it out to him, it almost defeats the object of being together because he may feel resentful or press ganged into couple time.

No?

I think you need to ask him if he feels it is reasonable to spend every saturday apart. Does he have to plan to be away well ahead or can he decide during the week?

I think it's very tricky because if you insist he only goes once a fortnight the n it creates expectations over what you will do as a couple when he is around- so each of you need to think about that and decide if you are always going to arrange an outing or are happy to potter- otherwise he might feel resentful that he's not away exhibiting but neither is he doing anything special with you.

Original poster
Friday999 · 08/04/2015 12:03

Pink - maybe I haven't explained myself very well; if DH suggests going to an exhibition, and I say I'd rather he didn't go - then, regardless of the reason, he's fine about it. It's more down the lines of "Friday, if we're not doing anything next weekend, would you mind if I went to Birmingham (for example) to an exhibition.' I would cheerfully stake my pension that if I said I'd rather he limited it to two per month, he would quite happy about this, but I originally posted to test what other posters considered to be reasonable.

I'm normally quite clear in my own mind about what I consider acceptable/unacceptable, but I'm unsure about this one.

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 08/04/2015 12:05

I read all of that up thread but you don't seem to be thinking about the questions I've asked you, which will help you decide if your BU. Bit more self analysis needed.