Is this reasonable? Asking DH to cut down on hobby-time

[Friday999]

I need to find a compromise with my DH, and just wanted some opinions of reasonable-ness before I talk to him.

Since DSS went away to Uni last September, DH and I have had more time to ourselves, and we're both enjoying interests/hobbies we didn't get much time for previously. DH has a hobby, it involves shows/sales/exhibitions etc and I know he really enjoys it. I'm fine with this, and have always been supportive. He used to have spend, on average, one Saturday (full day) per month doing this. It recently became one full Saturday per fortnight, which I was still ok with, but lately it's turning into every Saturday. He's got an exhibition next Saturday, and last night asked if we were doing anything on Sat 18 April, as there's another exhibition he'd like to attend.

And as it's becoming nearly every Saturday, it's starting to feel a bit much. Yes, I can keep myself occupied, I have interests and friends (although at the weekend most of my friends are busy with their own families) but it's starting to feel like an effort to fill every Saturday in his absence, not to mention there's obviously stuff we can't do together if he's not around.

So ......... I'm planning to suggest we compromise, and that he has a Saturday exhibition/show every fortnight, rather than every week. I think this is reasonable, I don't think many married men would get away with, for example, a full day"s golf every Sunday.

DH is generally pretty reasonable and I'm not expecting too much resistance on this issue, but I want to be fair, and would be interested to hear other people's opinions?

ps- I think you have to make up your own mind- not one size fits all kind of situation. The jury is split 50-50 here.

I'd turn it round and ask HIM what he thought was reasonable- he needs to take some responsibility for your relationship.

You would enjoy alternate Saturdays?

Jeez,no offence,but the way some of you are posting makes me very glad to be single!!

He's not a child and nor are you. You have Sundays and you have weekday mornings/evenings/nights. And there are plenty of other times to choose a flipping bathroom (not aimed at you op).

Lighten up,allow him his fun because he deserves it and you deserve some fun too so go and find it

It maybe seems worse because it's one big hobby always on a Saturday. We have several hobbies each that take us out of the house on both Saturday and Sunday, so whilst there is no activity one of us does every Saturday all day if you add up the time spent doing the different things it adds up to more than a day each at the weekend doing certain things apart from the other person.
I still think you could do with a hobby where you meet people and can immerse yourself a bit, going to the gym is just fitness, it's not the same as joining a cycling club or golf club and doing stuff with like minded people. If I go to the gym or pool i just get on and do stuff on my own, which can be relaxing but it sounds as though it's company you are missing.

What's wrong with him doing his hobby once a week? I think if you were out doing something or had your own hobby to do, it wouldn't bother you that he was doing this.

It sounds like you're bored at the weekends and rely on him to entertain you a little bit. Why can't you get your own hobby, or go out with friends while he's out? It's not like you have to sit around all day waiting for him to get back - go out and do your own thing.

DP has his hobby day on a Sunday while I work. We have no DC and it works for us. It's so important for couples to have their own space and hobby time - your DH has his hobby on a Saturday so make that "your time" too.

it probably seems worse because it’s one big hobby, always on a Saturday. We have several hobbies each that take us out of the house on both Saturday and Sunday, so whilst there is no activity one of us does every Saturday all day, if you add up the time spent doing the different things, it adds up to more than a day each at the weekend doing certain things apart from the other person.

Yay! Thank you 2rebecca. That’s exactly how it is. Interestingly, I probably have more interests than DH, but mine are in far smaller chunks time-wise, and are more flexible. I’m also encouraged that posters are 50/50 in their verdict, which makes me thinks there are no rights or wrongs, it’s more important to find a compromise that works for DH and I.

I don't think it's so much about time actually it's about removing the ability to be spontaneous . Dh has a hobby which now takes up every sat afternoon, I don't mind about the time and am perfectly capable of amusing myself and we do have children however what I do hate is the fact that if something comes up at the last minute that it would be nice to do then sat is always taken up by the I moveable hobby .

Also as an aside to an earlier poster , all the bathroom shops around here ( rural) are closed on Sundays , if you both work full time and one person is doing something every sat there isn't another time !

I'm with you op- I wiuldnt begrudge my dh his hobby but recently it is sort of taking over his life. What used to be occasional is now sometimes two days a week. We have just bought a house and need to spend time choosing furniture etc so yes I am really beginning to resent it.

I think you sound perfectly reasonable op.

I do a sporting hobby for about 7 hours one day a week,and 3 another.
I wouldn't go bonkers if my dh asked me to cut back,but he wouldn't because it makes me happy.
I think,if it makes him so happy,you shouldn't adk him to cut down -rather find your own passion.

What happens when one day at a weekend turns into both days and before you know it, you're both filling your free time with hobbies and spending very little time together?
There's no point being together if you're spending all your free time apart. I see it happen a lot

But don't you think that in a very long term relationship,people change and grow,and that unless space is taken to develop your own dreams and wants,and explore different facets of yourself,the relationship can easily stagnate or resentments breed, Floristry ?
We cannot gather people around us like possessions.Even those we feel closest to.

Every relationship is different, Floristry - there are lots of perfectly happy late middle-aged couples who don't spend that much time together. It's all about what the individuals concerned want and how best to negotiate their separate needs.

OP - would the best way of dealing with this be to plan ahead a bit and say 'why don't we go walking/visit friends the first Saturday in May' or whatever, so you then have it in the diary and your DH can't suggest an exhibition? Or do you want to be more spontaneous?

Tbh you both sound very nice and reasonable so I'm sure you'll come to a good solution.

I'm not so sure there are lots of 'perfectly happy late middle aged couples' Irene.
It's everything in moderation, or it SHOULD be!

ThatBloodyWoman; yes, I agree things can stagnate if people are constantly joined at the hip - I see that a lot also!

It's the 'routineness' that depresses me: the bloke golfing EVERY weekend, the woman tripping round the shops...
I honestly do not see the point in most of them being together.
Just my opinion and if that makes them happy, well that's OK
I do think people get sucked into these 'routines' though and before they know it, it's so entrenched neither will change and there's no relationship to save/work at.

I have a horse and spend most days off at the farm- I think OH enjoys the peace and he likes to do his own hobbies while I am out.

Personally I would let him do what he wants and find something else to fill your time

It's not my idea of an adult long-term relationship expecting someone to be available to keep me entertained and setting rules about when they should be available to me.

Sounds like he is trying to fill the void left by DSS going off to Uni. I immersed myself in all sorts of things to make sure I was able to positively deal with the change when my son went to Uni. Some things with my DH, some on my own. My DH husband prefers to chill out at home, but I needed more.

Certainly talk to him about how you feel and the loneliness you are experiencing, but it is unfair to expect him to fill your gap in this way. What about going with him, taking up a new hobby or interest yourself? It would be sensible to work on this yourself as if you ever split up or were bereaved having the ability to fill your own life would be a good skill to possess.

I would be a bit sad if hubby spent every Saturday away (we do have young kids but I would have felt the same before having them).
I think asking for one weekend a month where you make a special effort to do something together is a good idea. Then it's coming at it from a positive 'lets do' rather than a negative 'don't do'.
I don't think marriage should always boil down to 'sharing responsibilities' but just that its nice to have time together.