Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to split up???

57 replies

Levismum · 06/04/2015 23:42

Dp & I have been together almost 17yrs. 4 dc. I've tried to split up with him quite a few times but I give in as i feel sorry for him.

He's very passive aggressive. No family. No friends so he'll be on his own but i can't spend another 17 years with him.

So how do i actually make him go & deal with the practical side of separating.
TIA.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 07/04/2015 00:16

Hi OP,
It is sad, but you seem to have come to a decision. And yes, you have your own life and your own future to take care of, your decision about your future should not rotate over whether he has no friend. Not your fault. And I'm sure that after 17 years you know that you can't change him.

How old are your dcs?

Splitting up (mostly) involves you living in separate places. Do you jointly own your home? Is your name on the deeds? Are you financially independent?

Have you ever seen a lawyer in your attempts to split up in the past? That might be useful?

Have you an idea about how you would like to do it and how you share the care of your children? Formulate a picture of how you would like it to pan out, and then see how close you can reasonably get to it?

Has he discussed separating. What stopped it happening before? Your guilt? Or did he just refuse to engage with the idea?

Original poster
Levismum · 07/04/2015 00:24

Thanks for replying.
It's my house. I bought it before I met dp. Nothing joint, no banks accounts etc.
He works shifts so access to the dc will be random. He's not very interested in the dc, he can't cope with the middle two as they have SN.
Previous to this, I felt sorry for him so let him come home. I used to think I couldn't cope on my own. I'm on my own now as we can't even have a conversation. He just won't engage with me...

It drives me mad!

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 07/04/2015 00:27

I agree that you need to know where you stand legally with regard to your home, finances, child support etc, so seeing a solicitor would be a good first step.

If he's passive aggressive, can you predict what behaviours he will initiate in order to gain your guilt and sympathy? If you can, then maybe you can preempt this by preparing a strategy to avoid getting drawn in to his scheme.

How old are your DC? Do you have someone in RL who can support you and keep you on track?

whattodoforthebest2 · 07/04/2015 00:27

Sorry, cross post.

whattodoforthebest2 · 07/04/2015 00:31

It sounds as if you'd cope better without him there than with him around anyway, tbh.

Original poster
Levismum · 07/04/2015 00:33

Dc are 14, 10, 6 & 1. That's my biggest issue no RL support. 10 & 6 yr old have ASD.

No need to see a solicitor as it's all mine. He paid 'house keeping'. Nothing was shared.

I strongly suspect he'll not keep in contact with the dc. I will be encouraging & do everything I can so they have a relationship but he never bothers with family.

I will ask him to give me space for a set amount of time as last time he kept calling & texting. He needs to sort somewhere to stay as he often ended up sleeping in his car.

OP posts:
LadyB49 · 07/04/2015 00:33

I've been there.
Make the decision. After that it will sort.
He is not your responsibility.
Go to solicitor and check your rights.
Tell him...get a flat.
Don't give in.
It's easier on your own that with someone you don't want to be with.

PoppyField · 07/04/2015 00:43

You are in a good position.

And you definitely sound like you could cope on your own. As you say, you are already on your own. And in fact it's a lot easier doing all the hard work without the undermining interference or having a black cloud hanging over you all the time.

He doesn't have to engage with you. You can split up with someone without having to get their agreement. If you decide its over, it IS over. Get an appt with a lawyer if you want reassurance about where you stand. But you are in a strong position if you own the house.

As far as I can see you can simply ask him to leave. Do you fear he would make that difficult? What would be a reasonable timetable? Take advice - from legal/friends etc. You have tried to engage with him and he will not acknowledge you. Make a plan, give him a printed sheet. Lay out a reasonable timescale and notice period, alongside potential arrangements for him to see the dcs, and present it to him.

(If you know how much he earns, a solicitor would be able to do a back of fag packet calculation about minimum child support, or CMS website might have that info).

Good luck.

PoppyField · 07/04/2015 00:46

p.s. It's up to him whether he sleeps in his car - sounds like you are going to have to steel yourself for that one. Guilt-tripping is obviously a speciality.

You're right, there will be no need for him to be calling and texting all the time. You need to keep contact to a minimum. You could say you want only to communicate by email. And you can ignore texts and calls.

Original poster
Levismum · 07/04/2015 00:49

Thanks.

We've had a really crap bank holiday...yet again. I looked at the baby & i thought '....You lot deserve better then this. If i don't take responsibility for this situation, your going to end up dysfunctional too...'

Somewhere in my head, I thought, this is my decision to make.

I have no idea what he earns. He's really mean about certain things. A trait I despise.

I just need to tell him now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Levismum · 07/04/2015 00:51

I thought that about him sleeping in his car but wondered if i was being too harsh? But it is his choice, isn't it?

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 07/04/2015 00:53

Ok, so if you don't need legal advice, then it's a case of telling him he needs to go and then agreeing, or if he won't discuss it, insisting on days and times with the DC, which he can accept or reject and lose the option.

The key is to detach from his situation - he's responsible for looking after himself, not you, so don't get drawn in to discussions about where he's living etc. easier said than done I know, but you've been there before, so you know what to expect and what to avoid.

I'd suggest you give him a fixed time each evening when he can call to speak to the DC and say you're busy and don't want texts from him. If he has something important to discuss, then arrange to talk on a set day at a set time. Maybe one phone conversation a week to start with and then try and reduce it as and when possible.

Keep telling yourself this time you're sticking to your guns and not giving in.

Good luck - I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you'll feel miles better when you're free of him and can get on with your life. Thanks

whattodoforthebest2 · 07/04/2015 08:36

Sorry, I sounded very final last night - do keep posting OP, there's lots of support on here to help you get through this.

So when are you going to tell him?

warysara · 07/04/2015 10:28

Are you married? He would be entitled to half of the house. Even if you are not, there is probably some call he can make on the assets of such a long relationship.

You should probably see a solicitor.

Original poster
Levismum · 08/04/2015 00:18

Thankyou warysara, i will check that out. I bought my house before i met dp. I'm mortgage free now. He's only paid 'house keeping' I paid for all work done on the house over the years. I've always worked. Slightly reduced hours at times but always worked at least 3 days per week. I earn a lot more then dp.

I won't see him til Saturday now as he's on lates. He's on this shift til next Tuesday. I will tell him then.

I'm not sure how long is realistic to give someone to organise somewhere to stay. He's never lived by himself...

I was reading other threads on here about remembering why you fell in love with a person. But i really struggle to justify why I've spent so long with dp. He's not a good partner/dad/provider. I would tell myself to run!

OP posts:
Original poster
Levismum · 08/04/2015 00:19

No we aren't married...i didn't do it so it didn't happen!

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 08/04/2015 00:34

Wow... 17 years and 4 kids together and you don't know what he earns? Hmm

Original poster
Levismum · 08/04/2015 10:11

iflyaway why theHmm?

He doesn't know what I earn...he has a rough idea though. We never bought property together. I never took very long maternity leaves so his wages weren't an issue.

Of course if i could go back back in time, I would make everything 50/50.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 08/04/2015 16:47

You feel sorry for him, really, when he shows FA interest in you or his children, it looks pretty easy from where I am sitting, he contributes nothing.

whattodoforthebest2 · 08/04/2015 17:53

You sound as if you know exactly what you need to do - you're already sounding quite detached from the relationship, which will enable you to look at things objectively.

A month is plenty of time to find somewhere else to stay, even if it's temporary until something more suitable/permanent turns up. Once we'd decided to split up, my XH dragged his heels for a while, until I told him one or other of us would be moving out by the end of the week. He found somewhere.

dotdotdashdash · 08/04/2015 18:47

I dont think using the same ultimatum as whattodo is a good idea - he may well let you be the one to find somewhere else - I dont quite understand how that ultimatum worked anyway actually? Confused

whattodoforthebest2 · 10/04/2015 23:24

No, Dot, I wasn't recommending the same approach for the OP, I knew he wouldn't let me take the DC and go, he'd been looking for a flat for a while and the tension at home had become unbearable, so it was the only thing I could do. My point was that when I gave him the ultimatum, he got a move on and found somewhere else quickly. The OP had asked what might be a reasonable timescale for her 'D'P to move out.

dotdotdashdash · 11/04/2015 09:22

Still don't understand how that worked whats especially if you knew he wouldn't let you leave the house (why?).

Anyway OP how is it going have you had any legal advice?

whattodoforthebest2 · 12/04/2015 13:20

Long story Dot, basically after 15 years, having decided to separate (his wish not mine), with 3DC, he would have looked bad if he'd kicked me out of the house so he could move his GF in. He wanted it to be amicable (ironic considering subsequent events). He would have had no respect from his family and friends (v egotistical) and was keen to maintain his upstanding image. So he made the atmosphere unbearable while supposedly looking for somewhere to live. Hence the ultimatum. His conscience wouldn't have allowed him to see me and the DC out of the house.

Sorry to hijack OP, hope you're making progress.

dotdotdashdash · 12/04/2015 16:09

sounds awful whats surprised it wasn't you that wanted to leave him in the first place!