How to split up???

[Levismum]

Dp & I have been together almost 17yrs. 4 dc. I've tried to split up with him quite a few times but I give in as i feel sorry for him.

He's very passive aggressive. No family. No friends so he'll be on his own but i can't spend another 17 years with him.

So how do i actually make him go & deal with the practical side of separating.
TIA.

I didn't know about the OW til after he'd moved out and I got an anonymous letter telling me he was sleeping with someone at work. He'd told me he wasn't happy and wanted to split up, no mention of anyone else, of course. I did everything I could to try to persuade him to stay.

whats. Are you ok now? I seperated from my exH almost 5 years ago and it still hurts. I think deep down I still love him. So all of these posts draw me towards them as I feel if I could turn back time maybe I would have tried harder..

Yes, I'm ok. It's now 8 years on and we haven't spoken for 4 years. He sees the DC fairly often but he makes things difficult for them and hasn't been involved in their day to day lives since we split, which continues to annoy me because it's so petty. He hasn't been involved in any parents evenings, school/college/uni decisions at all, just refuses to engage. Some role model! He's married with 3 young DC and complains constantly about the stress he's under. I'm single and yes, it does still hurt because he thinks he's hard done by and I've been a single parent to 3 young adults/teens for 8 years with no backup.

Sorry about the rant.

its good to rant! (I also think we are the only ones left on this thread anyway!) My exH resented the amount of money he ended up parting with when we split and I dont think we can salvage any sort of relationship because of that. He has a new GF at the moment that I cant stand. Do you have any dealings with the OW? Maybe Im wrong but I just hate her being involved in my children.

one for you
one for me

Same situation here, he signed up to what I consider is a favourable settlement for me and then complained when he saw the end result - after £000's being spent by him on legal advice, barrister etc. I represented myself in court in the end as I refused to spend any more money on all the palaver.

I don't have anything much to do with the OW, but she does appear to have treated my DC well from the start. She got on so well with DD (now 15) that she was writing stories about her new best friend and how they liked the same music and clothes and DD copied her hair styles. That was a bitter pill. But tbh it could have been a lot worse if she'd made their lives difficult or been nasty to them. She's a lot younger than XH and he's younger than me.

He's made his bed in every respect...

But there lies your problem. If you think you got a favourable deal and he has gone on to have another 3 children he probably does feel hard done by. My exH doesn't have any more children at the moment but the OW just grates me. To be honest she has actually been kind to my children so I should be thankful as it could have been worse.
Have you tried to make the peace with your ex?

here have some of this too..

To my mind, with 3dc and the lifestyle we have/had, I was surprised he had 3 more, you wouldn't do that unless you could afford it, would you? And the house, cars etc, he's hardly struggling but is obviously bitter that I've managed and am doing ok now.

I've asked him on numerous occasions to talk to me about things, he says he's not interested, I got him a ticket for DSs graduation but because I was going he wouldn't go.

I actually think we could get on now, but there's too much bad feeling about the finances. My DC are less bothered about him and his controlling ways now, they can see through the BS.

Lovely cake, thank you.

I can totally relate to you op. I am in a similar position with 2 kids been together 6 years. Most week ends are strained he does not communicate with me and can be selfish with his time. Often I have to ask him to get involved with the kids. Else he'll just switch off and watch sport in the kitchen. If there is a lot of stress he will go out and not come home saying he sat in "the car" all night !!!! The latest last night 8pm he left as I compained about how much he has been drinking. He came back 3pm today saying he was in the car and didn't want to talk until he had a sleep. I told him to leave as this appears to be a cycle every few months. He ll go off the rails disappear for the night leave. I feel a responsibility towards the kids as it feels so dysfunctional. After I asked him to leave he asked to come back as he couldn't find anywhere to stay. So I am Trying to stays calm and not give in as think I am gonna end up an emotional wreck with the disappearing acts he pulls every few months saying he can't cope. !!!! Sorry to sound off just feeling exhausted as haven't slept much and wanted to just say you are not alone op.

whats you will probably find that when your youngest reaches 18 and all financials come to an end that you and your ex will be able to make peace. if he has another young family he probably will be feeling the strain and I wouldn't be surprised if it was his new wife that wanted 3 more children especially if she is younger.

At the moment I'm looking forward to the day I am not financially dependant on my ex. I aim for that to be before my children are 18 too. I'd love to see my exs face when I tell him I don't need his money any more as I think a part of him likes the control.

V interesting you say that Dot, I've just done exactly that, told him he can reduce the maintenance payments. His answer? - thank you I appreciate it, now can I have a share of the house? Everyone's told me I shouldn't have said anything, but there was me wanting to be the peacemaker as usual and not wanting the constant 'money-grabbing ex' label. You can't win.

How old are your DC, Dot?

My dc are 12 and 14.

Why would your exH think he had a share of your house? Can you not come to some agreement to completely cut off from each other - clean break?? I think this is the best option for me (soon). I'm sure my exH will bite my arm off but it will be best for all of us moving forward.

And btw I think you have done the right thing especially if you can afford to decrease it - I think you sound like a strong independent women so full credit to you. I want to be you very soon!!

Re the house, in the divorce proceedings he agreed to sign all the equity in the house over to me, he had already bought another house with OW. I also took on full responsibility for the mortgage (huge), bills etc and signed an indemnity covering him if I defaulted. So I've managed to stay, having 1/2/3 jobs at a time to keep us afloat. Everyone told me to sell up and buy somewhere smaller and easier to manage, but I knew the house would increase in value and decided to stay if I possibly could, getting in lodgers for 4/5 years too. So now the house is decorated and worth a lot more and he wants a share, having not lifted a finger to help out in 8 years.

He mentioned taking it back to court to argue the case, but I doubt if he'd do that, it didn't go well for him last time and it cost him a small fortune.

Good luck, Dot, it's easier as the DC get older, they can work out the dynamic between their parents without having to be told. I'm looking into getting a 'clean break' now, but need to get him off the mortgage - not so easy, but I have a plan

Oh whats well done to you for keeping it all together. I'm hoping by this time next year I will be financially independant.

If the divorce says that the house is yours why would he even think of asking for a share? I would be careful as if it's not 100% clear he could well have a chance to get some equity and if all your children are 18 and he has 3 dependants it could be risky for you. Can't you offer him a clean break in order for him to sign the house over?

whats you can't drop that you have a cunning plan and then not tell us...let me get the kettle on..

Dot - because he's always hard done by, poor me etc. and because I've said he can reduce the maintenance, he thinks I'll be kind. He's got another think coming.

I wish - I've got a relative who's very comfortably off. I'm thinking of asking her either to guarantee the mortgage so I can get him off it, or get a new mortgage with her that'll have nothing to do with him. Or, I think she could probably pay my mortgage off and I just keep paying her the interest, but then there's the question of the equity. Anyway, regardless of how I do it, he's got to come off. I can't live here for a few more years not knowing if he'll be dipping his hand in when I come to sell. I've still got lots more improvements I want to do and it'll cost a few bob.

Sorry for the delay in replying, I'm laid up in bed, coughing like a trooper!

whats it sounds like a good plan. Although the only prob I see is that he knows you are sitting on a gold mine and still refuses to sign over the house. If I were you I would go dangling a carrot like a clean break settlement which will probably encourage him to sign it all over. Although if your children are nearing 18 he could wait it out?

I take it you have a large property? Why would you even think about pouring more money into it if your children are all nearly 18? Im sure you don't need me to tell you that new kitchens and bathrooms won't particularly add much to the value of the property. Why not sell up and get rid of the millstone round your neck? if it is a large house you'll probably find that you will be pouring money in to it whether it be bills or repairs for ever more. I also say kindly and from experience, when your children do reach 18 you may find that the house becomes a very lonely place . Which is maybe why you already mentioned that people have asked you why you haven't downsized already.

If I were you, I'd be looking forward to sorting out the mortgage and cutting ties with your ex and then doing something crazy like going back packing for a year and going on all the holidays you've ever wanted to do (that your kids or ex hated HA!) then coming back to a new house and a new start.

Now let me get my brew and maybe one for you too...you need to keep nice and warm with that cough!

Just a quick up date.

He left. Hes left me. He left the house. He left the dc & his job.

I don't know where he is. No maintenance. No access. No nothing.

Younger ds with ASD has gone to bits. Excluded from school etc. I am going to have to leave work.

You know all that crap about starting a new life etc? Well the new life is even worse.

I've ended up a single mum of 4, 2 with SNs on benefits. No maintenance. No rest. No family. Can't afford the support i used to pay for...

OP, I'm sorry he's left you this way. I know you wanted him out, but he's been very cruel just leaving like that.

Do you have any friends in RL that you can call for support?

Can you see your GP tomorrow and get signed off work for a while so you can sort things out?

I know this will be a massive shock and will seem unbearable but you can get through this. If he's passive aggressive, he'll be back with a sob story sooner or later, hoping you'll take him back. But remember the bad times, remember the behaviour - you don't want another 17 years of it and you can manage. It won't seem like it right now, but take it a step at a time.

Keep posting, we're all here with you.

(((Hugs)))

OP - Stay strong and try and sleep tonight. Things always seem worse at night. In the morning you will be able to think more clearly about your options. We are all here for you

I'm self employed. I'm already turning work down as ds was excluded on Monday & then Tuesday until next Tuesday. Then he's visiting a new school for 3 days.

So it will be 5 weeks since I worked a full week by the following Monday.

The reality is no person can do this by themselves.

I have no close friends or family in London. I pay carers to help with both boys. It's incredibly expensive. I can't spend money on carers if bills need to be paid!

I don't bother much with GPs. They aren't very clued up on ASD/ADHD/PDA type of conditions & the behaviour & stress that comes with them.

I'm looking at residential schools. It's a real possibility both boys will end up in residential school/care setting.

I understand what you're saying about the cost of care for your DSs. Can you manage if you're working a regular week and there are no upsets at school? Is it just the fact that things have gone haywire at school that has thrown things awry?

So what about a residential school - how do you feel about that? How would it work, would they be home with you at weekends?

How can you make it stick this time?. The good news is, it's not your job to get him to 'stick' to anything but your responsibility to accept that what he does and doesn't do is his choice and therefore the consequences of his actions (most probably inaction), is his responsibility.

Spell it out to him in writing that the relationship is over and that he will need to find alternative accommodation by a certain date. Failure to have his belongings out of your home by this date will result in you removing them yourself.

Sleeping in his car as opposed to sorting accommodation, was probably designed to make you feel guilty and relent, which was a very successfully tactic on his part. His lack of friends and support network is his responsibility and not surprising given his personality, he only 'had' you because you felt sorry for him (hardly the hallmark of a healthy relationship).

He is an adult and you are not his Mum, start detaching from this emotional leech or you'll be stuck with him for another 17 years.

Isetan i think you must only read my first couple posts as i can't communicate with him as he's disappeared...

whattodo
Residential school has always been at the back of my mind but the boys are very young. Likely to be an incredibly difficult fight as they are incredibly expensive.

I think I was unrealistic about coping on my own.

I don't have the same choices or opportunities as other people because of the boys.

I have contacted The Disabled Children's Team for a Carer's assessment to see if i can get any help.

At the end of the day, it was my choice.
Frying pan to fire!!

Yes, it was your choice and the thing to keep in mind is that "I can't spend another 17 years with him". It won't get better, will it?

He sounds manipulative and draining, whereas you sound like a fighter and a determined, resourceful woman. Instead of worrying about what's happened to him, focus on what you can do to improve your DCs current situation. I'm not at all knowledgeable about SN issues, but it sounds as if you're already looking for more help - is there anyone else, any other health professional who you can contact for ideas and information? What about benefits? Are you getting everything you're entitled to?

So would res school enable you to work full time to cover the cost? Would you have space for a lodger? I'm clutching at straws here, trying to think of any solution that will ease the burden.