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Original poster

Help me figure out a man like this.

46 replies

WorldsEnding · 06/04/2015 09:37

Where do I start with escribing my DH. He is wonderful in many ways but there are some real problems between us. He was addicted to Internet porn and now sees a counsellor/does not watch the porn anymore. I only have his word for this. I pushed for him to get counselling as he had no interest in sex. The problem is, 8 months later he still has no interest in sex.

He does kiss me (peck on the lips not passionate kisses) and he cuddles me and says he loves me every morning when he leaves for work. But he does seem emotionally detached from me.

Whenever I have a birthday/our anniversary he does not take me out for dinner. I ask him to, and we usually argue over it when he doesn't, but year after year nothing changes.

He works away every two or three weeks. He doesn't ever call me in the evening before bed. I'm lucky if I get an email asking how me and the kids are. I have asked him to, but he still doesn't.

I can't figure out if he is just not in love with me/having sex on his business trips/gay/asexual. I get no information when I try to talk to him. A lot of "I don't know why I am like that" comments. We tried counselling (my idea, and I threatened to leave if he didn't go). He just pretended in the counselling sessions. He charmed the counsellor. We managed to avoid talking about the lack of sex completely in the 6 sessions we attended.

I don't know what to do anymore. Not knowing what is going on with him is driving me mad.

OP posts:
MyCatIsAGit · 06/04/2015 09:39

You might be better off on the relationships board with this, you can report your post and as it to be moved. There seems to be some very helpful supportive people over there. X

Eggynuff · 06/04/2015 09:40

Do you have children together?

Nolim · 06/04/2015 09:41

Didnt you bring the lack of sex with the counsellor? Is there any indication he loves you at all?

Eggynuff · 06/04/2015 09:42

Oh, sorry I see that you do. Are they his children?

crimsonh · 06/04/2015 09:42

My ex disengaged himself from me in a similar way.
In hindsight that was the beginning of him keaving me. In the end I ended my marriage when I found out he was seeing someone and sleeoing with her.

Original poster
WorldsEnding · 06/04/2015 09:47

We have 3 very young children. I am convinced he is seeing escorts or something when he is away. I don't know if I have just convinced myself of this in a desperate bid to work out what is wrong, or if it is a real instinct.

OP posts:
MarwoodsMate · 06/04/2015 09:47

OP that sounds rubbish. I really feel for you. It's so difficult when you can't get someone to admit there is a problem when you know there is. I can tell you, from your OP, I agree with you that your DH's behaviour is very unusual.

Can you schedule a time to have a serious talk about all the issues you listed? I suspect he won't be able to "charm" you in the same way you say he charmed the counsellor, as you know him better. If you can have an honest, non-judgmental, low pressure discussion, (no threats of leaving each other etc), it might help you to see where you are.

Original poster
WorldsEnding · 06/04/2015 09:50

I did bring up the lack of sex with the counsellor. The counsellor said she could see we really love each other and want to work this out and we should focus on positives. She also said we might want to see a specialist sex therapist about the no sex. I don't think she was very good.

I don't think my husband will leave. I think he will carry on like this forever. He is obviously ok with how things are as he never tries to talk about things or make a change. I think he may just have an affair or continue secretly watching porn or do whatever he needs to to keep himself happy, and continue to pretend we are a happy family.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorldsEnding · 06/04/2015 09:53

Hi marwood, I have tried so many times. Heated and calm discussions. It never goes anywhere. I literally have to ask him to respond after I say something because he juts sits there in silence. I have to say, "well, what do you think?", or "can you please respond to me?".

OP posts:
crimsonh · 06/04/2015 09:54

He has all his needs provided for so tes, he won't leave.

How would you like your future to be?

Nolim · 06/04/2015 09:54

He has it easy. You dont. What do you want? Do you want to continue being inappeciated for years or decades?

And yes, the counsellor looks really bad.

PeachyPants · 06/04/2015 09:54

That sounds like an awful situation to be in, it sounds like you have really tried to improve the relationship and help him, counselling and being really clear in what you need from him. I'd suggest rather than pouring your energy into figuring him out you're best figuring out what you want, you can't make him change and it sounds like you don't think he will, do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Flowers

FryOneFatManic · 06/04/2015 09:55

I think you'd be better asking for this to be moved to Relationships. You can report your OP and ask MNHQ to move it for you.

Meanwhile, I'd suggest counselling for yourself. You can bring the lack of sex up there.

I'd also suggest you take a hard look at your relationship with your DH. Is it worth staying? Do you think there's a chance he will change? Are all the changes on your side?

And what do you want for the future? You are entitled to decide what you want, you know (not just sex). There are too many women putting their own needs to the bottom of the pile.

Original poster
WorldsEnding · 06/04/2015 09:58

I was brought up in a single parent family and it was hard. I don't want that.

I would like to be able to live alongside him and find my happiness again through myself, not through him. The trouble is being around him often makes me feel down and depressed, and every once in a while very angry. I hate him half the time for continuing to live like this.

OP posts:
MarwoodsMate · 06/04/2015 10:00

OP, it really does sound like you are making an enormous effort while raising 3 kindlewinks too! Not easy at all. Agree with PPs that it might be good to have a think about what you want for your future. Flowers for you.

Oldraver · 06/04/2015 10:00

I agree with others that he sounds like he has things how he wants them and doesn't give two hoots about your feelings.

I think you can assume he wont change, so you have to decide just what you want. Can you continue living like this, or is it a deal breaker. Hos lack of compassion for you would be the end for me

Oldraver · 06/04/2015 10:02

OP...Its better to be a happy single parent, you will find happiness without him dragging you down, than to be miserable most of the time

FryOneFatManic · 06/04/2015 10:08

OP, don't make the mistake of thinking your DCs won't notice the issues between you and your DH. They will.

And if you stay in this marriage for them, they won't necessarily thank you. It looks like your DP won't change, so you are likely to end up unhappy, and you'll be teaching your DCs that this is what relationships look like.

StarlingMurmuration · 06/04/2015 10:08

Three young children... How do they sleep? Do you both have a lot of broken nights? My DP and I have a five month old, and we are both permanently exhausted.... We haven't had sex for three months because we fall asleep as soon as we get into bed, and the baby wakes up at five AM most days so no morning sex either.

crimsonh · 06/04/2015 10:10

Maybe it would be worth working through what made you miserable living with LP. Not all kids are unhappy in such situation.
Was it lack if support or lack of money? Or something else?

Original poster
WorldsEnding · 06/04/2015 10:15

It didn't feel like a proper family and I always felt ashamed of having divorced parents. Even as a young child. I know that's odd. Perhaps I thought it was my fault?

With DH, bar TTC (always initiated by me), we have had sex two or three times in 6 years.

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 06/04/2015 10:22

I'm so sorry OP but this isn't a marriage. He's making himself both physically and emotionally unavailable to you. He refuses to do things which he knows will make you happy, which actually means he's purposefully refusing to do them in order that you'll be upset.
Then he jets off somewhere leaving you with three small children where he's no doubt getting his kicks with someone else. This is not a nice man. This is not someone who your children should see as a relationships role model.

Frostycake · 06/04/2015 10:22

Can you pinpoint when this started OP?

Do you think he's punishing you for ending his porn habbit?

Did he have a porn habbit when you met?

Who persued who in the early days?

Nolim · 06/04/2015 10:25

Op fwiw having divorced parents is nothing to be ashamed of, it is just what it is, one of many possible family configurations. And it is definitely not the dc fault.

Original poster
WorldsEnding · 06/04/2015 10:28

He very much pursued me, and I was more cautious wanting to take things slowly. He wanted us to move in together in the first few weeks, and wanted us to see each other every day. I held back a little in the early days as I never jump in with both feet without getting to know someone. Ironic as I clearly didn't know him at all! He did watch porn when we met because he said something about giving his porn dvd's to his friend now that we were moving in together. As for the internet porn, I don't know when that started but I would guess after the birth of our first or second child (we had 2 very close together).

Do I think he is punishing me? Yes quite possibly. But there was no sex beforehand anyway. For about 3-4 years I didn't know he had a porn habit.

OP posts:
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