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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me figure out a man like this.

46 replies

WorldsEnding · 06/04/2015 09:37

Where do I start with escribing my DH. He is wonderful in many ways but there are some real problems between us. He was addicted to Internet porn and now sees a counsellor/does not watch the porn anymore. I only have his word for this. I pushed for him to get counselling as he had no interest in sex. The problem is, 8 months later he still has no interest in sex.

He does kiss me (peck on the lips not passionate kisses) and he cuddles me and says he loves me every morning when he leaves for work. But he does seem emotionally detached from me.

Whenever I have a birthday/our anniversary he does not take me out for dinner. I ask him to, and we usually argue over it when he doesn't, but year after year nothing changes.

He works away every two or three weeks. He doesn't ever call me in the evening before bed. I'm lucky if I get an email asking how me and the kids are. I have asked him to, but he still doesn't.

I can't figure out if he is just not in love with me/having sex on his business trips/gay/asexual. I get no information when I try to talk to him. A lot of "I don't know why I am like that" comments. We tried counselling (my idea, and I threatened to leave if he didn't go). He just pretended in the counselling sessions. He charmed the counsellor. We managed to avoid talking about the lack of sex completely in the 6 sessions we attended.

I don't know what to do anymore. Not knowing what is going on with him is driving me mad.

OP posts:

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 06/04/2015 10:34

Do you know what kind of porn he was watching?

FryOneFatManic · 06/04/2015 10:36

OP, it looks to me as if your DH has put you in the position of housekeeper/nanny.

I think you really need a hard look at what you want, because I don't think he'll change. I also feel he's getting his sexual needs met elsewhere, either porn or other people. He has a cushy life right now, why would he change anything?

Stratter5 · 06/04/2015 10:39

I'd leave. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear, but I was brought up in a family where the two parents had a very difficult relationship, and frankly it was hell.

Better for the children to live in a happy single parent household imo, he is showing you no love, no respect, and no consideration. Not a good role model, and hideous to live with.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 06/04/2015 10:43

WorldsEnding he sounds exactly like my ex. Down to the lack of sex and the silence instead of meaningful communication.

He won't change I'm afraid. My ex promised me he would and kept up a charade. But he hadn't changed, he just got better at hiding it.

If I were you I would seriously consider leaving, as if you dont then you are resigning yourself to a lifetime of this.

AnyFucker · 06/04/2015 10:45

Don't try to figure him out....that way madness lies

accept that he is emotionally and physically unavailable to you and then either accept it or act accordingly

is this the kind of marriage you hoped for...is this the kind of relationship you expected to model for your children ?

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 06/04/2015 10:49

Hi there,

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic, at the OP's request.

Frostycake · 06/04/2015 10:51

In that case OP, do you think you were 'targated' as a 'cover' wife? To provide a respectable front for him in other words?

What was his financial position when you met? Did he 'get lucky' marrying you?

It certainly seems like he has checked out of life with you on a personal level.

gatewalker · 06/04/2015 11:10

WorldsEnding - If your DH isn't willing to look at himself and what he (and you) are up against, then there is little point in your trying to figure him out. It has to start with him. An unhealthy relationship to porn = an unhealthy relationship to intimacy, and it takes a lot of time, effort and processing of emotional turmoil even to begin to address it. It sounds like your DH is up against his own past.

The thing is, though, so are you. You are determined not to repeat your own childhood. But in essence you are alone in some key respects. What we resist, persists. If you and your DH continue to resist the stark-staringly obvious - that a critical part of your relationship is being run by both your pasts - then nothing is going to happen of much help to any of you.

I would suggest going to therapy - not your DH, but you. Your DH's mental, emotional and sexual health, while having a huge impact on you, is his alone to start dealing with. You can only do what you can. Start to figure yourself out and why it is that you have more commitment to working things through in the face of dire circumstances than you DH is demonstrating.

gatewalker · 06/04/2015 11:11

*your DH

NoPsipsinaChocolateOrange · 06/04/2015 11:11

Oh God this is so sad. I'm sorry OP.

It sounds as though maybe you were afraid to ask questions in case it upset the boat, and he has been able to pretend a lot of things or just not bother to include you in anything he does.

Anby clues as to what his childhood was like, his parents - did his father treat his mother well?

You are being used and ignored, stonewalled, he does not love you.

What are the things about him that are wonderful?

Eggynuff · 06/04/2015 11:28

He doesn't love you. He will say everything he can think of to persuade you that he does and to keep you in the position you are in now. You serve one purpose OP and what you and your children want/need is irrelevant to him.

This will never change.

And I think you know that. Look at these statements you have made:

'Whenever I have a birthday/our anniversary he does not take me out for dinner. I ask him to, and we usually argue over it when he doesn't, but year after year nothing changes.'

'I'm lucky if I get an email asking how me and the kids are. I have asked him to, but he still doesn't.'

'I don't think my husband will leave. I think he will carry on like this forever.'

'He is obviously ok with how things are as he never tries to talk about things or make a change.'

'I have tried so many times. Heated and calm discussions. It never goes anywhere.'

'I hate him half the time for continuing to live like this.'

The lack of sex is the least of your worries. The lack of respect is what you should be focusing on.

You won't change him.

You can't change him.

But you can have a happy life without him.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 06/04/2015 11:39

Why would you want to 'figure out' this man?

I'd want to figure out why a woman wants to stay with a man who refuses to have sex with her, refuses to take her out for dinner, and refuses to communicate with her when he's away.

Do you think those are enormous things you are asking for? They are not. They are, for most people, a bare minimum. I'm sorry you are in this situation. It must be terribly lonely.

Quitelikely · 06/04/2015 12:10

You are upset because this man is not meeting your needs physically or emotionally.

He knows that yet he has refused to do anything about it.

He is almost certainly getting his sexual satisfaction from somewhere.

The question is what are you going to do about your situation.

If nothing changes. Then nothing changes.

Twinklestein · 06/04/2015 12:40

You're not actually in a relationship OP. You're two people who live in the same house, one of whom is acutely miserable.

I don't know why you think that it's better for your children to be around a dysfunctional relationship with an unhappy, depressed mother than single parents. My parents' relationship was excrucating to be around and all it taught me was what a dysfunctional relationship was like. What are your children learning from this relationship? That it's ok for their father to treat their mother like shit, that its normal for their mother to hate their father half the time. This is not positive environment to grow up in.

You say you didn't like having divorced parents, but who's to say you wouldn't haved liked this setup even less?

ageingdisgracefully · 06/04/2015 13:14

It sounds to me as though he's addicted to porn and no longer able-or willing-to engage in intimacy with a real woman. I agree with those you say the counsellor is crap. He's putting on an act for her, and she's bought it. Get some counselling your own. This man is not worth the effort of trying to figure out. I know what you mean-I'm in a similar situation-but I've concluded that, whatever the motives behind his behaviour, my dp is basically using me and has done for years. Yours sounds as though he's doing the same. He has no respect for you and you deserve so much better. Whatever you decide to do, and it's hard, particularly with lo's, please try to rediscover yourself and detach from him.

Drumdrum60 · 06/04/2015 13:51

He will be getting his needs meg elsewhere and so it suits him to keep you at arms length. He will never change because you are enabling him to continue. You sound really lovely and have done all you can. Now is the time to help yourself. Get some counselling and hopefully leave the bastard. Could you do this to him and stonewall? No. He's not worth figuring out.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 06/04/2015 16:52

I've figured him out. He's a user. He's using your relationship as camouflage for the real life he's living elsewhere. That "elsewhere" is either in reality or in his mind. Either way, who gives a fuck? You shouldn't. He's not willing to treat you as a proper, equal partner, he won't even take you out to dinner when he knows it's very important to you. That's really fucking insulting but shows quite clearly how irrelevant you are to him, except for the use he puts you to.

pillowaddict · 06/04/2015 17:02

This sounds very much like a relationship I was in many years ago- he pursued me initially and was very interested and involved then gradually more and more busy elsewhere and making less of an effort. We slept together twice in 9months and then I ended it. He was furious with me and horrible about me to mutual friends etc. Within the month he was in a relationship with a male friend who he has lived with ever since. It very much sounds like your DH may have a similarly secret lifestyle that he doesn't want to admit to openly. In the case of my ex he was desperate to have a 2.4 children family life and not willing to admit he was gay until I 'forced his hand'. Thankfully I did as we are both a million times happier as a result.

33goingon64 · 06/04/2015 19:56

Try different counselling. Sounds like your counsellor was rubbish and didn't probe at all. Did you not get chance to openly say all that you've said on this thread? There's no point being polite - find another counsellor and read out what you've said here. DH's reaction should get the discussion flowing.

Jokerstotheright · 06/04/2015 20:34

If he has never been interested in sex with you I doubt he is into escorts either. The lack of sex is awful and refusing to take you out anywhere and offering no explanation, I don't understand. You are not in a proper relationship.

How can you call him 'wonderful'?

Drumdrum60 · 06/04/2015 21:58

Of course he will be into escorts. It's a follow on from porn. No emotional intimacy.

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