WTF did I think I was doing?

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

The children and I booked a few days away in Cornwall. Toad asked if he could tag along and he has paid for most of it. He promised to behave, he was desperate for contact with the children, he is lonely, my car is a wreck so we thought we would give him a chance. He has his own room and the children and I share a room.

Of course after a few days of good behaviour, Toad could not help himself and went back to his old ways, bossed us about, was sarcastic, ridiculed me and all his good intentions were forgotten. Last night I had enough of it and we took all our stuff out of his car and told him to get lost.

Now of course I am sitting in a hotel room full of tennis rackets, suitcases, fishing nets etc and I have no transport. I hope I can organise a hire car this morning.

Just getting it all off my chest. I was getting increasingly frazzled and shaky and have accidentally poured hot water from the kettle over my hand.

God how I hate this bastard with his expensive car and designer outfits playing the generous dad while we are on benefits.

I take it there is a huge back story to this? Anyway.. People generally don't allow exs to accompany them on holiday as it leads to the problems you describe

If you start properly separating out your lives then you'll instantly halve the majority of your issues

It was a massive mistake. Especially when I finally told him to get lost. I could have anticipated this. I thought the kids would enjoy the treats he paid for and I could suffer him somehow.

Do you have an official separation arrangement in place? Surely taking him on holiday just to pay is a bit drastic.

Don't book holidays again unless you can afford them without your ex. Separate properly.

Well done for telling him to get lost. Sometimes we need these little reminders just so we can remember the crap they dealt us, put it behind you and enjoy the rest of your break.

Oh no Karen.

I hope your hand feels better soon. Run it under the cold tap.

I think letting him into your sphere on any level is just impossible. Horrible toad.

Oh Karen I've been following your threads and thought you'd finally managed to shake the slimy toad out of your life.

As a PP said, run your hand under the cold tap, rejoice in the fact that now you've told him to fuck off he's no longer invading your headspace, and try to enjoy the rest of your break with the kids. Speak to a national car hire firm like Enterprise or similar, they're a little more expensive than local ones but some will allow you to pick up a car in one location and hand it back elsewhere, meaning you can at least get yourselves and your kit home with relatively little hassle.

Bad luck you, you did give him a chance, you won't be doing that again.

Last time we went on holiday, to Wales, camping then down to Cornwall, I posted a load of stuff home from Cornwall. It was heavy and not needed, plus we were on the train and had no lifts or help after getting to Cornwall. A HUGE bag of clothes and shoes, some camping stuff. The clothes cost £15 and the camping equipment cost £20. Worth every penny.

Oh well I thought he could jolly well pay for a holiday for his children. I don't feel guilty about this, as I paid a contribution for myself to cover my own costs and there is no way the kids would go on their own with him.

Oh Karen! I thought you have a non mol in place? How can you go on holiday with him?

Haven't seen your threads for a while -how's the divorce going?

Next time it's camping again which we enjoy so much more. I just thought it was too cold. I hate hotels.

Non mol expired and he swore good behaviour. I believed him. Stupid, but I won't be doing this again.

Is is still staying in the same hotel or has he left?

I haven't read your previous threads but I wouldn't be feeling that bad about the situation at the moment - other than the immediate hassle which is a right PITA.

You gave it a try for the sake of the kids, it didn't work and you were firm and told him to get lost. That sounds like pretty positive and decisive behaviour to me.

(Although something you won't try again.)

Sorry about your poor hand. I've had a bad hot water burn so I know what it's like.

I know there's a massive backstory. But, how old are your children? What do you think it is doing to them seeing all this go on? It would be great to get to a place where you could do this but it either won't be for a long time or in your case possibly never.

I'm guessing you have a particular standard on living; it's going to be a hard shift to not having that. You would have been better spending the money on sorting your car out.

Well done for telling him to get lost, put it all down to a lesson learnt.

NEVER give him a chance again.

Karen, what sort of father leaves his DC without transport? I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't planned it, to make himself feel big.
Rinkrash - BBQ sounds great!

Yes indeed - the BBQ sounds great. (Although Cornwall is a big place.) Maybe PM RinkRash if she's OK with that?

Why on earth go on holiday with a man that you have a non mol order out on , even if it has expired? I think you're being rather unfair to your children in keep putting them through this and you sound really heavily invested in him still.

I dislike long running saga type threads so I'll leave you to it but for God sake, properly detach from him and keep contact to relevant stuff regarding his contact with his kids, set up proper maintenance and just try and move on

i used to do things like this with my DCs F to make life easier for me and for him to cough up some money - never worked.

Its a learning experience, so learn. Be independent of him and well done for throwing out the tosser.

Oh this has been going on forever judging by the huge threads on it. I'd be putting my kids first now but on the saga threads all the enablers come out so I'll be in a minority.

I'm not being simplistic either. What other practical advice is there left to give? The op is firmly stuck in the past and it's her kids who suffer the fall out of this

I don't think it's naive to expect Karen to stay away from Toad. She's done very well to get away from him. I do believe she's strong enough to stay away from him. I think this was a massive misjudgement.