WTF did I think I was doing?

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

The children and I booked a few days away in Cornwall. Toad asked if he could tag along and he has paid for most of it. He promised to behave, he was desperate for contact with the children, he is lonely, my car is a wreck so we thought we would give him a chance. He has his own room and the children and I share a room.

Of course after a few days of good behaviour, Toad could not help himself and went back to his old ways, bossed us about, was sarcastic, ridiculed me and all his good intentions were forgotten. Last night I had enough of it and we took all our stuff out of his car and told him to get lost.

Now of course I am sitting in a hotel room full of tennis rackets, suitcases, fishing nets etc and I have no transport. I hope I can organise a hire car this morning.

Just getting it all off my chest. I was getting increasingly frazzled and shaky and have accidentally poured hot water from the kettle over my hand.

God how I hate this bastard with his expensive car and designer outfits playing the generous dad while we are on benefits.

I know this is shit right now but in a way, it's a good thing this happened.

You now know for certain that this man will not change

That he will tell you anything - promise the moon on a stick - if he thinks it will get his feet back under the table but that he cannot help himself and when he can't maintain the fiction of himself as decent human being, he WILL revert to being a shit.

Never forget this holiday and it will help you.

I realise it doesn't seem like it now, but I think sometimes we need something like this to happen because it removes any tiny bit of doubt we may have in ourselves. iyswim.

He will never give up. He will never change. You're right.

I'm glad you are angry, it empowers you.

Good luck with the job hunting Karen.

Most women take their abusers back at least once. That is, back in their home! You've done a miniature version of that - lesson learned, its just a holiday, thank goodness. All sorted in record time instead of months xxx

I did this, I think, it comes from not believing that someone can actually be that much of an arse, and that there must be some non self serving humanity in there. Then you finally fully realise there isn't ,they really are a knob, this took me years, looks like you are getting there much faster than me x

Don't have much to add just . I find the anger from being let down is a hard one. Can still take me by surprise. I agree with pp. Many women want to find the good in people. It's hard to realise the father of your kids is such a twat!

Why on earth go on holiday with a man that you have a non mol order out on , even if it has expired? I think you're being rather unfair to your children in keep putting them through this and you sound really heavily invested in him still.

This.

I think you can only understand this if you have been in such a situation, FromParis.

It is very hard to accept that the father of my lovely children is an arse and will always be an arse.

Despite the 'holiday' ending badly for him, he might just see this time as an opening to get back into your life so I'd be on your guard against that. (Although you are likely prepared already?)

Well, Karen (and I delurk from your previous threads), you now know beyond a shadow of doubt that the only place for Toad is baked in a load of Yorkshire pudding!

So all the bolleaux about changing they spout.... he could only manage a couple of days. Sigh. Glad you managed to tell him to bog off, though. It must have come as a surprise to him. He must have thought he had his feet back under the table.

I hope you manage to get back okay.

Hi OP,

Delurking from your old threads, have to admit I was gobsmacked you all went on holiday together? Last I heard he had a non-mol, the kids were terrified of him, he was creeping around and you were desperate to get another non-mol against him due to the kids welfare...and you went on holiday together? I gused the kids aren't so terrified of him afterall.

Kids can seem to 'adjust' to situations - as do adults, sadly. It doesn't make them any more healthy for the individuals involved though.

Toad probably made a convincing show of remorse and even if reconciliation weren't on the cards wouldn't it be easier to have an amicable split? It gets that way sometimes you begin to question your own judgment and it's so draining having to "double think" everything. It must have felt worth a go.

Karen didn't invite him to live with them, she didn't let him take the DCs on holiday without her. It didn't work. Karen 's ex's deeds couldn't match his words. Toad is too used to bossing everybody around and getting his own way. If Karen says there wasn't a screaming match and high drama I believe her.

The DCs know their dad isn't the bogeyman, they felt sorry for him.

I think it's normal when ending a relationship to have wobbles. Your mind plays tricks on you, you remember the good times and not the bad times, you forget just how bad emotionally abusive behaviour feels because you're no longer suffering it every single day. And then there is the security of the relationship - both financial and habitual - contrasted with the scariness of the new future.

You HAVE to keep telling yourself it's a mirage. You know in your head what he is like, so don't trust your heart. Keep holding on to all the terrible things he has done - almost like a mantra: 'I'm NOT going back to Toad because he X, Y and Z!' Make a list if you have to. You need to rewire your brain to think to the future, and avoid making this mistake again because it wants to trip back to the known demons rather than the unknown and unknowable future. But it's very much not a case of 'better the devil you know' - because there may well be angels in that future with whom you can be happy. And who'd stay in hell when that's on the cards?

I do think it's unfair to the kids to blur the emotional boundaries - but I am sure you already realise that and feel bad enough about it already without me going on about it.

sorrykaren, my friend did the same. her husband beat her and was financially abusive. she got a non mol order- then she tells me they are having family lunches and church trips. To be honest I now avoid dicussing it with her, and I am here if she needs me.

But you have posted alot, so obviously suffering alot- and people WILL be suprised that you did it

wishing you the best- and sorry for mean sounding post

How dare you, Fromparis!

How dare you judge me with your righteous attitude!

How dare you judge anybody, including your friend, who has suffered years of abuse, years of family court proceedings, fighting to keep a proper roof over their children's heads, being destitute and getting interrogated at the job centre week in week out.

DFOD.

karen I think you handled the situation brilliantly in the circumstances, I'm just glad you managed to salvage something of the holiday. It still seems bitterly unfair that he has some financial clout over you like he's demonstrated, for the kids' sake he should be providing but he's using money to manipulate, of course... NC is a good result, and I doubt the kids will feel sorry for him much longer, it's to your credit that they have a conscience but he's showed his true toad colours.

Karen, why not direct your anger at better protecting yourself, instead of at Fromparis whose comment can in no way be compared or equated to the behaviour of the ex-husband you chose to go on holiday with when you had actually taken out a non-molestation order on him? She is not being righteous at all, and it is not victim blaming to say every person could use a little introspection about the choices they sometimes choose to make. It is great that you have now realised your mistake, but it is not FromParis's fault that you made the mistake. Good luck to you, and i wish you wiser choices next time.

That's quite a patronising post, Daemon.

excuse me? I am not judging you, but you post on a public forum so dont get fucking pissy when people read your posts and reply

you think I dont know about shitty relationships? for fucks sake why would I even be here!!!!

and dont you dare excuse me of judging my friend. I have supported her, and when she tell me shit I cant understand/condone I have decided to say nothing.

I apologised so dont take your shit out on me please

DFOF back at you - whatever the fuck that that means

It must be wonderful to be one of those very rare people who have never made an error of judgement.
KOKO Karen

DFOD? What does that mean?
KOKO? What does that mean?

I don't understand the angst towards FromParis and Daemon.

And you don't even seem to understand the meaning of the word 'angst', paxtecum.

You may wish to rephrase this Fromparis.

Thank you to all those of you who appreciate that whereas I had made an error of judgement - and I was the first to admit this - and needed support, in the true spirit of Mumsnet, did not judge me and patronise, while I had my hands full trying to cope, but were being supportive and helpful.