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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

WTF did I think I was doing?

78 replies

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 06/04/2015 08:25

The children and I booked a few days away in Cornwall. Toad asked if he could tag along and he has paid for most of it. He promised to behave, he was desperate for contact with the children, he is lonely, my car is a wreck so we thought we would give him a chance. He has his own room and the children and I share a room.

Of course after a few days of good behaviour, Toad could not help himself and went back to his old ways, bossed us about, was sarcastic, ridiculed me and all his good intentions were forgotten. Last night I had enough of it and we took all our stuff out of his car and told him to get lost.

Now of course I am sitting in a hotel room full of tennis rackets, suitcases, fishing nets etc and I have no transport. I hope I can organise a hire car this morning.

Just getting it all off my chest. I was getting increasingly frazzled and shaky and have accidentally poured hot water from the kettle over my hand.

God how I hate this bastard with his expensive car and designer outfits playing the generous dad while we are on benefits.

OP posts:
RinkRashDerbyKisses · 06/04/2015 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RinkRashDerbyKisses · 06/04/2015 09:46

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nozzz · 06/04/2015 09:49

Given the portions of the old threads I've read, it seems like madness to open the door to the man again.

cozietoesie · 06/04/2015 09:56

It might well have been madness - but then everyone make bad mistakes and I suspect the OP realizes that as much as anybody and is now berating herself.

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 06/04/2015 10:41

Hi everyone and thank you to those of you who understand what life can be like without judging me too much.

Tbh he has been fine with the kids and why should I not let their dad treat them? This is what he should be doing. This is actually the least he can do. I have come along as a chaperone and things have gone wrong. Lesson learnt. He I is apologetic, but we are off now to get a loan car and spend the day on the beach. I could not get my car fixed on time, as I got hit by another car just before the holidays.

Found some useful stuff in my first aid kit and my hand is getting better. We had a lovely breakfast on our own and the kids are sitting outside on the terrace.

Thank you RinkRash - you are lovely and thank you for not judging me.

I really just needed some moral support to get my head back together. I thought I could do this and not let him get into my head, but I just exploded at some stage. It was pretty civilised anyway. I told him I am not putting up with such behaviour any longer and could he please leave. Job done.

Flowers
OP posts:
RinkRashDerbyKisses · 06/04/2015 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/04/2015 11:02

Hello Karen I hope you are all right and your hand is not badly hurt. I imagine you tried to give Toad a chance to redeem himself with the DCs but his true nature won out.

Keeping defences up and continually being on the alert is very wearisome so if he appeared to be sincere or repentant it isn't surprising you let your guard down.

ptumbi · 06/04/2015 12:39

well one for getting him out of there, no matter how apologetic he is. Is it the first contact he's had (recently) with the dc? How did they get on with him there?

Are you going to the BBQ? Grin

GettingEggyWithIt · 06/04/2015 12:46

Oh Karen CakeBrewWineFlowersStar Shamrock Daffodil Tardis
As you say love, lesson learnt.
I do so hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.
p.s. I would go the bbq

tribpot · 06/04/2015 12:53

Doesn't sound like he was desperate for contact with his children so much as another chance to assert his dominance through money and abusive behaviour.

This doesn't seem to be someone whose promises amount to much. Something to bear in mind next time.

I poured water from the kettle over my hand when ds was a baby and I was very sleep deprived - bloody awful. You can go to a pharmacy to get it looked at today if you need to.

Jux · 06/04/2015 14:11

Karen, never mind - it's shit, but most women do it. It's the desperate desire to find the good in someone that leads people to try time and time again.

You know he's the same man. The good thing is that you know his limit, two days of good behaviour and then his real self pokes out. I do see that if he's been being OK for a while in short bursts, and you have been unable to even pay for things like sufficient hot water, that your desire for life to be fair and reasonable overcomes you, so you let him in again.

Have a lovely rest of the holiday, anyway!

Hope the hand is healing, and the hire car is OK and not too expensive.

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 06/04/2015 18:17

Phew - got a hire car in Penzance for £100 until Friday evening which is fine and we had a great day out on the beach by St Michael's Mount and a picknick on the beach.

Toad has left.

Thank you all for being kind - what a palaver! I had so hoped he changed and he swore that he was 'not the man he used to be' and he wanted to 'put things right' etc and was full of remorse - and I fell flat on my face for believing him.

The DCs said they felt sorry for him, as he seemed lonely and depressed, but they did not believe he had changed.

He soon got the upper hand though.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 06/04/2015 18:36

Well... you gave him a chance, as that is the decent and humane thing to do - and it would be a wonderful thing if only he could change, for yourself and the DC and even for Toad himself. He has proved he has not, in fact, changed. End of trial. There is no such thing as a failed experiment, because whether the result is positive or negative you still find something out.

I wouldn't waste your time re-running this particular experiment, though.

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 06/04/2015 18:55

Thank you all - I am still lucky. It could have been much, much worse.

OP posts:
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 06/04/2015 18:59

I need to add that he paid for the hire car.

OP posts:
tribpot · 06/04/2015 19:17

Isn't he going to make you pay for that later? Not necessarily financially but emotionally.

cozietoesie · 06/04/2015 19:20

Only if the OP lets him, I would have thought? (And she sounds pretty strong at the moment.)

Jux · 06/04/2015 19:30

Ah, Karen, never mind. Pick yourself up and enjoy the rest of your holiday Thanks

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 06/04/2015 20:35

Yes, Thank you. I have just gone out to get a McDonald's and got in through the back door to have Thais in our room. Economising now. Grin Wish we'd gone Camping. The weather is perfect. Sad

OP posts:
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 06/04/2015 20:38

I have to go strictly N/C after this. He will have to get someone to chaperone the children when he wants to see them. It's not my job anymore. Oh I am so angry that I bought into his toady, slimy, persuasive bullshitting ways. I have never been more angry in my life.

OP posts:
Jux · 07/04/2015 00:04

Do the children want to see him now? Maybe they'll decide they don't want to. One is old enough for his wishes to be taken into account in Court. I'm not sure about the other.

Plenty of other opportunites to camp in the lovely UK weather! We'll be doing it this summer [ grin]

Karenthetoadwhisperer · 07/04/2015 07:57

No they don't. They feel sorry for him and he is whining for attention all the time. He is depressed and lonely, lives in a hotel and spends his days in his junkyard of an office and in the pub.

OP posts:
Karenthetoadwhisperer · 07/04/2015 08:01

I have been very close to some good job offers. I will just have to get my act together, stop wasting any time whatsoever with Toad and move on.

This man is like a millstone round my neck, dragging me down. He is all set to get back into our lives and continue his abuse. He will never give up. He is scary, creepy and cruel.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 07/04/2015 08:08

You're alert to him now. Smile

cozietoesie · 07/04/2015 08:21

PS - would there be any virtue in going for another non-mol order if/when possible?