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Original poster

Not sure if I'm angry or sad

59 replies

spideymum · 05/04/2015 17:37

My partner left our home 2 weeks ago after telling me he wasn't happy because he thought I wasn't happy. I went to work on the Monday and came home to find he had cleared all of his things out of the house leaving me to explain it to our 3 year old.

He uses as evidence of me being horrible to him that I didn't iron his shirts, didn't serve his food correctly and although i cooked dinner every night this wasnt to the standard he had come to expect of me and I didn't always want to have sex and am just a general mess. He left the house in an awful state and told me why am I complaining when the way I had the house wasn't great anyway.

He has been taking our son out and had him Friday night with him at his Mum's. I'm fleeting between feeling so sad that my partner left me and angry that he has left me in a financial mess and us free to do as he wants now. I never had a child intending to be a single parent and the past few years have been hard with me training to be a teacher, him starting his own business that failed and an abortion he left me to go alone to.

I don't even know why I'm writing this message I will be honest I have at times tried to get him back. I feel so let down that he just criticises me tells me how horrible I am and leaves me picking up the pieces with our child. As I said don't know half the time if I am angry or sad.

OP posts:
cleanmyhouse · 05/04/2015 18:21

He sounds charming.

It's awful being left to pick up the pieces but it really sounds like you're better off without him, his disrespect, his criticism and 1950's expectations.

You'll get there. Just take a day at a time.

Oh, and stay mad for now. It's easier than sad and helps you move on with your life.

PoppyField · 05/04/2015 19:51

Er, I'd pick angry if I were you. He is a real charmer isn't he? Don't take any of his ridiculous criticisms to heart.

What an awful man. Sounds like you are much better off without him. I know it hurts and it feels like he's dumped you, but he does sound like a total psychopath. Or extreme misogynist at the very least. It hurts now but you are definitely better off without him in the long term.

You are not horrible. You are not lazy. You are not a rubbish mum. He is the one who is throroughly CRAP. Hold onto that.

p.s. Leaving you to go alone to an abortion - for that alone he needs to be dumped.

mix56 · 05/04/2015 21:17

I didn't iron his shirts, didn't serve his food correctly
Good riddance, & a definitive Goodbye, what a jerk. Is he working? The whole clearing out thing was used to hurt, leaving you with a 3 year old....
the guy is a nasty, immature waste of space. Just be pleased he is gone. What kind of role model will he be to your child... Do not ask him or let him come back...

AnyFucker · 05/04/2015 21:29

It sounds like you are better off without this entitled twat

Original poster
spideymum · 05/04/2015 21:38

I know I am better off without I just feel like I am losing my family and it really hurts. I had things sorted and now it's a major change where I have to reconsider what I'm doing my job my housing situation. So I think I'm going to stick with angry. He came here to see our son a little while ago and my ds was just so unsettled. He said that things with us weren't good not healthy and that he has to go. I get what he is saying because you could tell he didn't really care for me anymore. I don't know it just hurts

OP posts:
Original poster
spideymum · 05/04/2015 21:40

Mix56 yes he is working he has just informed me he has taken a new job on the other side of the city which means I can pretty much count out any practical help during the week Hmm

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 05/04/2015 21:42

I think it's quite natural to feel mad and sad. Mad at what feels like unrealistic expectations and ridiculous excuses, sad because at one time things must have been good.

You have obviously been through quite a lot, abortion, training, and the collapse of his business, these things must have taken a dreadful toll on both of you. I suspect that his grievances with housework and meals is probably just a case of him trying to find reasons to think badly of you. He may actually feel a bit of a failure, the failing business, the inability to support you and his inability to deal with the abortion. It reads as though he was trying to find reasons to leave because he couldn't cope. Now, that is not to say that you should forgive him. I would find it very hard to forgive someone who failed to support me, who belittled me, who made me jump through hoops for their approval and then blamed me for the break up.

I agree, he has been thoroughly crap, as useful as a chocolate teapot.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/04/2015 22:19

Does he think this is the 1950s or something? Hmm

Go ahead and feel what you feel. I think once a little more time has passed and you've settled into a new routine, you'll be thanking your lucky stars!

I hope you've seen a solicitor. If you haven't, please do so right away.

Cherryapple1 · 05/04/2015 22:22

He sounds just awful. And finding spurious excuses to leave - well I wouldn't be surprised if he has another poor unsuspecting woman lined up. Get your child maintenance claim in asap and disengage and yep, do get angry. He certainly is an entitled git - and if he wants food to a certain standard, he can blooming cook it himself in future.

VixforVictory · 05/04/2015 23:16

I am with cherry: get your maintenance in place and get all the financial & legal stuff (if applicable) in order. That way, you know exactly where you stand and you can start build the life that you want for your self and your dc.

I am sorry to say that from your description, what you wanted wasn't there in the first place but you have your little one and that's priceless. Unfortunately, there are a number of men who seem just too happy to walk away without any remorse whatsoever, but you can take control of your life, and make it a very happy one for you both. Yes, it'll be hard work but it's much harder with somebody undermining you all the time. Huge hugs - been there and we've out much better than if I had stayed with exh (a million times better). Flowers

blueberrypie0112 · 06/04/2015 04:07

Forget him. He Sounds Too Much Work Anyhow To Keep Him happy.

lunalelle · 06/04/2015 04:46

I would laugh in the face of anyone who 'instructed' me to iron their shirts and cook their food to a certain standard, unless they are my employer and paying me handsomely!

fannyfanakapan · 06/04/2015 08:20

Don't now fall into the trap of making everything easy for him with regards access to your son. Set up every other weekend and once a week after school. No popping into berate you and you taking on all the hard work in the week so he gets to play fun dad every weekend (with his mum to babysit). Get a solicitor and get access formalized and maintenance locked down. Your child has priority for a roof over his head and stability in his life.

Original poster
spideymum · 06/04/2015 10:19

I don't know what to do with weekday access. He wants to pick him up during the week but the time he finishes work he won't get ds until 6.30 and then it is a half an hour drive back. I really don't want him here after work because I don't want the disruption with my son when he needs to go to bed at 7.30. I'm trying my best to be reasonable but I'm so tired and all of his suggestions are impractical at best

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 06/04/2015 11:31

Unfortunately spideymum what he wants hasn't got much to do with it. He really does think the world revolves around his needs and wishes. What matters here is what's best for your son and what's manageable for you. Are you still talking to him and giving him the opportunity to sling insults at you? Have you considered the strong possibility that there's someone else? Stop trying to be reasonable. He doesn't deserve it. Tell him what you think will best meet your sons needs and will be workable for you. I would leave any consideration for your ex right out of the equation for now.

Hissy · 06/04/2015 11:35

Be angry.

Don't let him call the shots wrt access, he let you all down, not the other way around.

His parents sound crap too - why are they not battering his arse for leaving you in financial shit?

You are free of this vile and abusive man. Get angry at him and allow yourself that emotion, you've bloody earned it!

Only do things that suit you and your ds from now on.

Eggynuff · 06/04/2015 11:37

Do you own/rent your own home, or is your ex on the deeds/contract?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/04/2015 11:40

I'm very sorry to read your post, spideymum. Apart from access to his son, what arrangements is he making to support him/you financially and help get you out of this financial mess that he's landed you in? That's the important thing now, you need to know where you stand financially.

His gripe about shirts being ironed, dinners on the table... just disregard them for the nonsense they are. When did he ever make your dinner or iron something of yours?

You're not losing your family, you're on your way to stabilising and re-grouping the one you have - without the one spoiling it, in it. I'm glad you tried to get him back, just because you can now see him for what he is. It's not you, it's HIM. Stay firm on that and never let him back into your family because it wouldn't be in your son's best interests, never mind yours. He can be a good dad if he chooses, he doesn't need to be making your life a misery whilst he's at it and he doesn't need to live with you both either.

Cherryapple1 · 06/04/2015 11:46

Access should not take place in your home. The norm is every other weekend and maybe one evening during the alternate week.

fannyfanakapan · 06/04/2015 12:37

Id say dont give him the option of only taking his son from 6:30 during weekday access - he collects him from school or not at all. If he cant do it, then he misses out - its not your problem.

When you say he left you in a financial mess - did he put debts in your name? Or in joint names?

Original poster
spideymum · 06/04/2015 12:55

The debts are a months rent on the flat, the tenancy is solely in my name. Arrears from when he never paid some utility bills and I sorted it out to pay extra every month. Our credit card bills everything is in my name. I felt like we were living together as a family so therefore paying together. Guess that's a lesson for me. He has so far given me 200 but at the moment that really doesn't cut it.

I don't want him to have access in my home. I looked at previous messages and when you read them I did get very angry with him when he left and said some nasty things but all based on his actions.

He just goes on about not feeling loved but tbh he has done very little but criticise me over the past 2 years.

I woke up this morning and felt sad was even going to send my son to his grandma's with his Dad to give me some wallowing space. But he doesn't want to go and I just need to get up stop wallowing and try and have a good day

OP posts:
Original poster
spideymum · 06/04/2015 12:58

And no one is berating him from his side just telling him to go and be happy. His Mum has behaved awfully to me on some occasions and is upset with me because she said I changed because I didn't want to go around there all the time. I feel like I am better off out of it but it really hurts.

OP posts:
mix56 · 06/04/2015 13:33

spidey, it will take time to get over being deceived , & hurt, I think we all agree that disappointment comes along with the realisation that your hopes & dreams were not the same as his, & your efforts and the work you put in to make it work are not reciprocated. yes it Bloody hurts.
BUT........there are lots of good things, the lease is in your name, he can sling his hook elsewhere, you have lovely son, who WILL NOT BE EFFECTED by the bastard departure, & will have no lasting memory of ever having had him there.
You are shot of him, you are shot of his rubbish family.
Please get all your benefits, cam etc in order, & he can see the child one week in 2, & one night a week after school? this is standard, & needs getting put on paper properly asap. he does not get to call the shots, You are in a strong position, & whether he likes it or not, Well, too bad buddy....
He has chosen to desert you. Please go & get some moral support from your family & friends, look after yourself, & love you little boy... It will get better.

Jan45 · 06/04/2015 13:37

Oh my his reason for leaving you are actually laughable - I think you've had a lucky escape, the guy clearly is living in 1950. Look at his actions, don't be sad, be angry and tell him to stay at the far side of the city, where he belongs, you'll be much happier without this nasty person in your life.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 06/04/2015 13:47

It will hurt - it will hurt like rotten BUT you deserve better.

It's not ok for him to do this. It's not ok that he gets the chance to wimp out with piss poor excuses about not feeling loved.

Forget about his mother she will always stuck up for her little son, it's probally why he is like this.

Don't facilitate the weekend accsess, if it interrupts DS pattern then say no.

Don't wallow. Pick yourself up and sort your finances out. I raised my dd1 for 15 years on our own and she wanted for nothing. He dad was a weak willed arse hole who never matured past the age of 14.

It's lovely outside, go for a run or do some somthing that gets your endorphins going.