Not sure if I'm angry or sad

[spideymum]

My partner left our home 2 weeks ago after telling me he wasn't happy because he thought I wasn't happy. I went to work on the Monday and came home to find he had cleared all of his things out of the house leaving me to explain it to our 3 year old.

He uses as evidence of me being horrible to him that I didn't iron his shirts, didn't serve his food correctly and although i cooked dinner every night this wasnt to the standard he had come to expect of me and I didn't always want to have sex and am just a general mess. He left the house in an awful state and told me why am I complaining when the way I had the house wasn't great anyway.

He has been taking our son out and had him Friday night with him at his Mum's. I'm fleeting between feeling so sad that my partner left me and angry that he has left me in a financial mess and us free to do as he wants now. I never had a child intending to be a single parent and the past few years have been hard with me training to be a teacher, him starting his own business that failed and an abortion he left me to go alone to.

I don't even know why I'm writing this message I will be honest I have at times tried to get him back. I feel so let down that he just criticises me tells me how horrible I am and leaves me picking up the pieces with our child. As I said don't know half the time if I am angry or sad.

Just been looking through some of the information about emotional abuse and reading it really sent chills down my spine. The constant criticism of what you do, the walking in the house frightened by what he is going to say, the criticism about small things like how I cook food and the constant doubting of myself and what I do.

All he would tell me is all of my failings constantly I don't think he has once said well done for getting through my course starting a new career as well as getting through some of the really tough emotional times we have had over the years.

He has another child and when we were first together we were on the same page about the same age appropriate rules in our house for the children. But as she has grown up due to the lack of boundaries within his own family he says she doesn't want to be here because I am too strict. But the things I am strict about are things like tidying up after yourself, doing homework and having manners when people are speaking to you. We were at one point on the same page but it's like now I am just a horrible person because I want the children to have routine and boundaries.

I told him during the week access cannot be to the detriment of our son and he sulked and had a massive go because I said I need our sons routine to be stable and consistent i.e. reasonable bed times and time to relax at home. But he said it's all about me I am selfish and just want to control everything.

I think although he isn't as bad as some men I have read about on here he is emotionally abusive especially with the sulking and slamming doors and passive comments about all of the things I haven't done and listening to it and is allowing him to occupy too much space in my head.

Although I miss him one of the best feeling when I come home is knowing that when I walk in there is no one judging me and ready to point out all of my failings. He says I am moany but all I was ever asking for was simple things like put your son to bed a few times a week. Can you wash up the dishes etc. But with the rewriting of history I am the person who does nothing, if you thought your partner was struggling to keep up with things wouldn't you go and give that person a hand instead of picking at every little thing they do. My house is a happier place without him because the person he was in here was making me not want to walk back into my house in the evenings or just want to spend time in my room instead of sitting down in the front room.

And as an aside thank you so much to everyone who has replied on this thread it really is appreciated.

I just want to be happy again and for my son to see the happy Mum that has a laugh and a joke.

Have you been to somewhere like CA about your debt? I went once years ago and I swear I felt a million times lighter when I came out with a plan in place.

If he going to be a dick about informal arrangements about contact and maintenance then bring that up if you do go to a place and they'll help you with that. Then you're on the way to feeling more in control and happier.

I can bet you there's another woman involved as he's attacking you saying its you you you, quite typically many of men do this allieve their guilt, then he hasan excuse and can say " I had to leave her it was so awful blah blah blah " miraculously in a while anew woman will appear. Be strong stand tall make your child proud , you area clever woman you can do this . Ps get counselling x

I think the first thing you can do is to stop communicating with him verbally. He is full on with the abuse at the moment which is designed to annihilate you as a person. Have you got a third party who you could send communications through? Your mum, a sibling? (Not your aunt, she sounds like she's been taken in by him.)

Standard contact arrangement for non-resident parent is one weekday evening and every other weekend. Since he is being so abusive to you, this shouldn't involve any conversation with you. All arrangements can be made through the third party. He picks up kiddo from nursery or third party and drops them back, you then pick up from there.

I highly recommend you do the Freedom Programme because this wankbadger has clearly been doing a right number on your self-esteem for years.

Keep posting if it helps.

Don't think I can add to the brilliant advice here, but just wanted to say that he sounds awful. Abusive and totally narcissistic. How can your DS's bedtimes be about you...?! No wonder you feel ground down.

As for child maintenance, put in a claim for it so it is not dependent on his goodwill
What you earn in benefits and salary etc makes no odds, it's only done on his earnings. Please do not give him this information.

Please also contact stepchange or another debt charity. They can help.

You are also totally within your rights to change the locks on your house as it is your tenancy. Tel the landlord what has happened, they may help. Also contact council tax as you get 20% off for being single.

25% off Council Tax actually :)

It takes time to detach, but you will get there.

Finally starting to feel like I'm coming out of everything. Have spent way too long focusing on his needs, grumbles and general unwillingness to grow up.

Somehow I have come to the moment where I can see he will never grow up and be the partner I need him to be. I have been through the ringer these past 5 weeks and so many people have put up with me complaining and being down that now all I can think is f it and get on with me and my son.

I can see he is going to be a Disney Dad and no one will ever call him out on it. When I do I am hailed up as the bad person so I have nothing more to say. We arranged for him to pick up our DS from nursery during the week and have him back by 6.45, he rocked up at 8pm without having fed him. He brought him home from weekend contact at 8pm, yes I am glad that he spends some time with our son but there is no respect for his routine and needs. I'm tired of having to explain what it means to be a responsible parent who holds down a job and makes sure that all of the bills are paid on time, if I'm going to do that I may as well do it without the constant criticism.

He has given me a very small portion of the money towards the debts in the house and has said he will have to pay these off slowly, in the meantime he has bought our son a few clothes for nursery and not put a penny in my hand for the general upkeep of our child like food, travel, extra curricular activities etc. Ultimately he can't or wont grow up and my son needs a better example than a man who thinks it is acceptable to walk out of the house without warning leaving everything in disarray.

You have explained what it means to be a responsible parent who holds down a job etc, so you don't need to do it again. Apply to the CSA or whatever they're called these days asap.

Wiser folk than I can advise on him pissing about re return times. In the mean time, may I say that you are doing very well, it is early days in a difficult process, but you are doing it and you will get there.