Not sure if I'm angry or sad

[spideymum]

My partner left our home 2 weeks ago after telling me he wasn't happy because he thought I wasn't happy. I went to work on the Monday and came home to find he had cleared all of his things out of the house leaving me to explain it to our 3 year old.

He uses as evidence of me being horrible to him that I didn't iron his shirts, didn't serve his food correctly and although i cooked dinner every night this wasnt to the standard he had come to expect of me and I didn't always want to have sex and am just a general mess. He left the house in an awful state and told me why am I complaining when the way I had the house wasn't great anyway.

He has been taking our son out and had him Friday night with him at his Mum's. I'm fleeting between feeling so sad that my partner left me and angry that he has left me in a financial mess and us free to do as he wants now. I never had a child intending to be a single parent and the past few years have been hard with me training to be a teacher, him starting his own business that failed and an abortion he left me to go alone to.

I don't even know why I'm writing this message I will be honest I have at times tried to get him back. I feel so let down that he just criticises me tells me how horrible I am and leaves me picking up the pieces with our child. As I said don't know half the time if I am angry or sad.

I would laugh too, i would actually laugh at his face and say "you GOT to be kidding me?!?"

It's ok to feel both. It's ok to feel sad that the marriage and family you planned haven't worked out like that. But you didn't have the marriage or family you planned anyway because he's a nasty bastard.

And yes, anger is normal and expected too. He has treated you appallingly. And his reasons are laughable - I can't believe anyone would say that shit out loud.

Don't agree to anything that isn't in your DS and your best interests. NO access in your house. No late nights for DS to facilitate weekday access. Those are your Ex's problems to solve - if he wants to see your DS he'll figure it out. But he's been used to getting his meals cooked and still whining about it so he's going to bitch and moan no matter what you do. Don't turn yourself inside out to accommodate the ungrateful man.

spidey, IMHO his reasons for leaving are completely made up and he knows it. I'm sorry to say it, but I think there's an OW involved. His reasons are just so shite that they sound more like excuses for infidelity than reasons for breaking up a marriage to me.

Now, sit down and figure out what's best for YOU (and by extension DS). I don't know how old DS is, but if he goes to school or nursery it's really out of the question of him to be out past bedtime. Too bad if that doesn't suit Mr Clueless. You're the one who would have to deal with a cranky, tired child the next morning. If there's a weeknight where it's convenient (i.e. school hols or when he can sleep in the next day) then fine.

It's always amazed me how someone can walk out on a marriage and the people around them just carry on. But then, you never know what he's told his friends and family about why he left. I'm sure it wasn't that you didn't iron his shirts correctly!

Please, if you haven't, do see a solicitor asap. You really need to get a maintenance order before he turns nasty. And if you're going to have to deny him access during the week because it's not in DS's interest, I have a feeling he will turn nasty. And make sure you've separated all finances, not just the bills.

An old friend came around last night and we had a good catch up and chat. It felt so good to just be me to have a laugh and a joke without worrying that he would throw it in my face and say I never do that with him. Just discussing the situation with her made me really see some of the ridiculousness of it.

He then messaged to tell me that even though he could see I had been trying hard over the past few months look at how disengaged I had been previously. Meaning during my teachers training and beginning of NQT year he really has no clue.

Just need to firm up contact arrangements and money but he is being very elusive about all of that. No discussion regarding impact on our child other than half brained ideas about coming in my house to see him during the week

Please don't let him into your home again - offe him every other weekend with doorstep handovers. And get your CMO claim in now too. It takes ages to sort out so do it asap.

And he can bugger off wingeing about you disengaging because you were studying - what an utter twat he is.

Oh no no no! No coming to yours. No playing 'happy families' with DS whilst you fix him dinner and you all eat together then he skips happily off to his bachelor digs. He needs to make his own arrangements. Your home is no longer his, he is now a visitor there.

If he's being elusive now, he'll soon be impossible. You need to get a support and contact order. It will be worth every penny when things go south. I'm sure the wheels grind slowly, so get started now.

Can you PLEASE get a new number? leave the old one in an old phone so that he doesn't have a hot line to make your blood boil?

He then messaged to tell me that even though he could see I had been trying hard over the past few months.... "OH DO FUCK OFF YOU TWAT"

HIM not you, of course (((HUG)))

You TELL him that he needs to pay £X per week/month on such and such a day so that you can honour childcare commitments/pay for stuff as applicable. He also needs to understand that MIDWEEK won't work as it's too late and disruptive to your DS.

No cooking for him, no invitations for anything and SHOW the prick what disengaged REALLY is.

He can be a McDad like every other lowlife he represents

So I managed to sink to a new low. He turned up yesterday to see our son and I tried it on with him (it wasn't reciprocated). I don't even want him back after the way he has behaved and run away. Don't know why I am so stupid I don't want the drama but it seems like I am courting it. I just don't know how to let go of this relationship that he clearly doesn't want. He started spouting on about how i am his best friend but if i was how could he run out like this. Life is so much calmer without his constant criticism and even though I can see it is hard on my son I think he will be better off in the long run, it just hurts that his Dad isn't around.

I'm really a stupid mess at the moment and don't know what to do to change it.

You're not stupid, spideymum, you're trying to come to terms with something that your ex has been thinking through for some time. No wonder you're confused and reeling from it all.

Enough of thinking about him and what you think you've lost now though. You won't be confused anymore. He's shown you how he feels and that it going to set you free. Don't feel stupid, belittled or embarrassed. He was your husband and he's let you down in a most cowardly way. He no longer counts.

Please follow the advice of the other posters and really disengage from him. 'Cool polite indifference' is, I think, the term? Make the drop-offs away from home, somewhere neutral, so that your home is your own - and don't let him into your home again, he gets to be dad just the same - just not to your detriment.

To change it, make the next contact visit one where you genuinely have somewhere else to be - it will take your mind off it all. Make him take up his full contact time without offering yourself up as a buffer, it's up to him to make it all run smoothly - your son will be fine with his dad - and you then get to spend time just you and he together when he comes home. Don't thank him when he drops him back, just "Goodbye" and shut the door, hall lights off.

You can do this and each time will get just that little bit easier.

Don't worry you are not stupid. You are just trying to work this out and get some control back. It is horrible to be rejected (I know something very similar has happened to me) especially by the person who is supposed to love you. The fact that you can see that things were not all that great is good and will help you recover. Look after yourself and your DS. Sounds like you are doing great so far.

Just looked at some old messages in my phone and can see he was cracking up for a long time. He would go crazy at me and look for evidence that I didn't love him like it took me too long to wash my hair and get ready before we went out to the point he picked up a knife to tell me he would kill himself because that's what I wanted. He obviously is not stable and blames that on me but tbh looking at it he has so many issues he needs to deal with and my son and I can't be around while he does that. So onwards and upwards to something better I need to give my child some stability. The worrying thing is I didn't even remember this it was probably our normal he begged me over and over to love him but no matter how much I told him I did he just couldn't believe it. He has this nihilistic outlook on everything and I need it out of our lives.

Yesterday he told me he had been going to the doctors because he thought he couldn't satisfy me in bed. I wish the doctor had looked more into his mental health. He was always looking for evidence I wasn't happy with him so I think it is best he is gone for good.

My love, don't look back. Or if you do, then look back with open eyes. I'll bet you'll see just as much you're happy to be rid off as there are things to miss.

You're not stupid at all. You're trying to hang on to something that really isn't there anymore. You start to let go by, well, starting to let go. When you think of things you 'miss' you just have to say 'that was then, this is now'.

As far as him, he shouldn't be coming around without calling. And a good way to start putting distance between you is to tell him that, and then stick to it. Then you can tell him that he'll have to arrange to see DS elsewhere. For your own sake, you need to be around him as little as possible.

And at this point, his mental health is his own problem, not yours. Let him deal with it.

He's looking for reasons TO MAKE IT YOUR FAULT.

Ignore

Feeling like I really can't cope. I have bills coming out of my ears he has given me £250 towards the arrears but there is a lot more to pay. I have tried to sort out ongoing maintenance and he has said he needs a breakdown of my benefits and what I get for our son first I don't understand how he doesn't think it's all his responsibility.

We spoke and he said that he wants us to focus on our child and he is much happier out of the house and without me. But everything he complains about is not being loving enough, moaning because I ask him to help me and that I am always miserable.

After the focus on our son conversation I told him that I didn't want him to have contact in my house. He proceeded to tell me I was making it all about me again and that everything was my fault and I had f'd up our relationship because I'm horrible and selfish. He speaks to me like I am a piece of dirt on the ground and it is wearing me down.

Despite all this I still miss him. I'm trying to pull my socks up and I feel like I just need to get over him but it's so hard especially when I see my son upset.

Having just finished the NQT year myself, I am just about your ex's stupid comments about teacher training, never mind the rest of his idiocy! I have a practical suggestion - you may be able to access counselling through your school's occupational health service. It sounds like you need a safe space to talk some of this through (in addition to mumsnet).

Oh my god he's a total shit isn't he. He blames you entirely and takes no responsibility at all. In his head his is perfect and everyone else is at fault.

He will never see things from your point of view, never - because your point of view simply doesn't matter tk him.

There's no point trying to justify your actions or defend yourself to a person like this - they will never hear you.

He's a classic narccist, all about him and his needs, never about anyone else.

You need to strap on a pair and walk away from this pathetic excuse for a man. He has manipulated you into thinking you are nothing, when the reality he is the weak one who hids behind shouting and manipulation.

Please believe ne when i say you are better off without him - it may not feel like it now but you are!

spideymum you are doing great, your a mum and an NQT both full on stressful roles.

For your own peace of mind you need to make the debts manageable and as they are solely in your name it is likely to be down to you. Dont despair, contact Stepchange they are free and confidential. You also need to start a claim for child maintenance. Also check on Turn2us.org.UK to see if now you are lone parenting you can claim any benefits or tax credits.
Offer your ex do it step hand over access every other weekend. No coming into your home. You can do this

It's not so much living in the 1950s - it is just their way of justifying what they are doing. They "rewrite" history and your life . It does seem pathetic what they say but when people are like this there is no arguing with them.

The unhappiness is in their own self.

I am sorry that this has happened to you and it has happened because he has not had the guts , respect or decency to actually talk to you about what the real problem is - or even to work at it. No one should act like this and it does cause you to question yourself ( however much you try not to) ...Angry or sad is good - I know that I was literally traumatised when this happened to me although it was after a much longer marriage. Of course you have tried to get him back - that is only natural. You will be angry one day, sad the next and on and on. It really is SHIT and I am sorry that this has happened to you.

He cannot walk out, leave you with debts, then expect to waltz back in when he wants to see his son, who HE ABANDONED.
Change the locks, Take back the power. Tell him he WILL help you pay the arrears, you will let a judge sort it out.
You are the victim here. he is emotionally abusing you. it's malicious, deliberate & sadly usually very disabling. when you see it for what it is, it will be easier to wake up from his thrall, & see he is actually a selfish, manipulative bastard.
You & your DS are SO much better off without him & the sooner the better.
Be strong, & ask for help from the various agencies.

I just feel like the worse person all he can say is everything I have ever done wrong. He says that I am cold but he doesn't see that he isn't really there for me and our son. He says that his whole family think I'm cold and that his Mum thinks I look down on her because of her job. I try so hard to be strong to get on with things and make everything work and ticking over and no matter what I do it isn't right.

I am questioning everything about myself. I just don't understand why it is so hard to love me and to stay when I am just trying to make everything run smoothly, pay the bills have things ready for our son and make sure he is emotionally cared for as well as having a demanding job.

I don't want to wallow and continuously try and pick myself up and get on with things but everyday I wake up wondering is this the day he realises he has made a mistake. But for him it is not a mistake it is what he wants and how he wishes to get on with his life. He truly believes that I haven't done enough I am horrible and moany because he told my Aunt who he is close to.

I don't even know why I am writing I just feel like I need to get it out somehow.

It is absolutely irrelevant what your income is and he has no right to know

I would stop engaging with him and contact the CMS

It sounds like you are coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship

Have a look at the freedom program and see if you recognise your ex

I looked at it after I was left similarly hurt and confused by a relationship breakdown that I didn't see coming but was told it was entirely my fault

It was my lightbulb moment and made it easier to move on

Maintenance is based on the income of the non resident parent. It is not up to him to decide what you need; the law defines what he should pay, which is a fixed percentage of income (15% for the first child I think?). You need to look into this. Start here.

It's funny, isn't it, even though you know in your brain that your partner has major issues and that pretty much everything he's said is unfair where it isn't downright untrue, but you still can't help wondering whether it really was you and whether, if you tried hard enough, your family could be together again in the way it - well, be honest, it wasn't, but you could maintain the illusion that it was. Now you don't have to keep reassuring a deeply insecure man over and over that you love him you should in theory have a lot of spare emotional energy, but you're still stuck in the habit of considering his feelings first; looking to please him even though he can't be pleased. My dad used to say it was like beating your head against a brick wall: it hurts, but it also feels really peculiar when you stop.

Your income is absolutely none of his business. You must claim officially for child maintenance. And if you are in debt speak to a debt charity who can help and advise you.

He does sound v abusive. You need to stop talking to him. The only contact he needs with you is about child contact. Anything else is harassment and can be reported to the police. He is utterly foul and you need to take steps to protect yourself from him.