DRY 7!!!

[mollyonthemove]

The new thread for the alcohol free and the wanna be free . come and join us

I know what you mean. I crave something stronger, usually a dark spirit like whisky or rum. I love the first few sips and then immediately I feel so ill now, really heavy-headed, my mood drops terribly into being either angry or weepy. It's almost like becoming a different person; I can be quite filled with hatred towards dh in particular and I absolutely adore him normally. That frightens me so much. I should add that I was a single mum for most of dd's life and only met dh two years ago and he truly is the love of my life, never thought I'd say that about anyone. This is why I can't bear to tell him and he really doesn't know. He thinks I am a wonderfully moderate drinker who has half a bottle of cava now and then. He doesn't realise the lengths I'm going to to hide it from him ... the bottles in the wardrobe, in my bag, in the cupboard. It's so like my dad it's almost funny except it isn't. Dh is such a lovely man that I know he'd support me but I can't bear to lose grace in his eyes, if that makes any sense at all ... I'm deeply ashamed of what I've become.

BadWool Be kind to yourself - you've inherited this genetically from your Dad. If you'd inherited diabetes would you be so hard on yourself? I used booze to manage my emotions too and for me it stopped working and became the problem itself. Focus on today and I'll check in later to see how you've got on :)

Same for me, it is only making everything worse plus it's making me overweight and bloated which is very depressing. Thanks for being there :)

Oh it does make everything worse.It really does.

Lucy has a phrase 'Sobriety delivers everything alcohol promises'. I sometimes have to use that as a mantra.

I also understand what you mean about not wanting to lose grace with your DH...... I have been with DH for 10 years and he has had me on a pedastal, and I am afraid to fall off. So alot of my drinking was secret too.

One thing I did when I first stopped drinking was I got a bangle inscribed on the inside with my DH's and DS's names and the words 'My Best for You'. Because I thought giving up drinking was all about them. It is about them, they are so important, but it is also My Best for Me, I just did not realise it at first. You can do it, promise. :)

Keep writing - a hundred times today if you need.

Yes it does - for a very brief moment (more and more brief the more you become accustomed to alcohol I think) you feel a burst of elation with the first drink. Very soon after, now, I feel awful - exhausted and irritable.

With dh I have always felt that he represents what i want to be, how I can be and I want to keep striving for that. Not that he's a saint in any way but he represents a positive future after a very negative period of many years. My nightmare is to develop alcoholic liver disease and for them to have to watch me die. I know what that death is like and it's horrendous.

At the moment, looking in the mirror is a strong incentive because, even compared to a year ago, I look rough!

I am a big believer in sober treats. :) You should buy some of that Boots famous N 7 advance serum that is supposed to be the only thing that works. I have been using mine for a week now, and my skin really DOES look different! It's pricey, but if you are spending a tenner a day on alcohol (like I was!) then it's not even 3 sober days savings!

www.boots.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/CategoryDisplay?storeId=10052&categoryId=357843

Really? How does it help? I don't quite deserve to spend my savings yet as I haven't stopped but I will definitely look into that as I need ANYTHING at the moment ...

Bad you do deserve to treat yourself, even if you have not quite stopped yet. :)

I have no idea how it works, but for some reason it apparently does. Apologies for th daily mail link, but there is some info here. It might be a crock of course!!!!

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2625864/Forever-beautiful-The-super-serum-thats-MORE-super-ever.html

I have been using it for a week and my skin does feel much softer, more 'liquidy'. I am using a cheap cleanser, a cheap toner, the serum and then a No 7 Day cream. (There was a 3 for 2 offer at my boots!)

I am trying hard to become more groomed, more polished, just to look after myself more. :)

Afternoon BadWool and Corn! Might have to get me some of that magic face cream for my next sober treat And yep 'sobriety does deliver everything alcohol promised! Trouble is that the move between the two worlds can be prone to some physical and emotional bloody rough turbulence. Worth the disturbance in the force though If you know how this ends then I know I find that a very strong motivator for me to do things differently.

Plus Corn a little more self-care is way better than heaping on more self-loathing for sure! :)

Self-loathing is bad. I'm struggling this evening. But I have a pint glass of slimline tonic and I'm sipping that whenever I feel a craving ... wish me luck!

Bad you are going to feel great tomorrow. Have a shower, a cup of hot chocolate or tea. Go to bed if possible! Alot of us have tried the Tara Brach meditations... they help me when I am wired and jumpy. I listen to them while in bed.

tarabrach.com/audioarchives-guided-meditations.html

Might take my own advice and have a hot choc actually. DH has been away and his journey hme has been delayed... looking at a 1.30 am arrival instead of the planned 10 pm, so I will have to wake DS is a few hours and go and fetch him. Side effect of sobriety... can be called out any time day or night and can safely drive!!!!! (It's a good thing).

I'm online then for a bit,so if you need to write I will be here.

Stick with it BadWool :) It will be tough but as Corn says you'll feel great tomorrow! Safe driving Corn

Going to bed now. I've had more than I wanted today but still way less than usual so I don't feel too despondent. And I'm still determined. Thanks, as always, for the support xxx

Good morning. I had thought about name changing for this but it became too complicated! I was on the threads a year ago but after 6 months I decided to start drinking again. Since September, it's kind of been okay but recently I've slipped back to drinking every day, with some very heavy sessions every few months. Friday night was particularly bad; I can't remember large parts of the night, I said horrible things to DH, and I spent all of Sunday sleeping or throwing up.
I haven't drunk since then but I'm finding it hard to remember how to get through these first few days so I've come back for support.

I'll read through the thread later to catch up and get to know you all a bit. I think I need to find my old posts too.

Ugh. I'm tired of this. It was hard and all-consuming not drinking last time, but I know I felt so much better for it. I can go for ages being moderate but every once in a while I get shamefully drunk and the aftermath is horrible. The self-loathing is awful.
Anyway, morning all

Good morning Mistress welcome back! Keep going at it and you already know you will feel better soon. The first few days are SO hard. I you are absolutely right that the self-loathing is a killer. Be kind to yourself, drink plenty of water, have some early nights. I used to have times too where I could have just a couple of drinks. But I could never tell if it was going to turn into a big session where everything would turn messy.

Mistress I totally relate to your feelings of self-loathing and the nightmare memories (hazy) of all the things you said the night before. People say your true character comes out when you're drunk but I don't believe that at all, it's like your worst character comes out and hijacks everything positive. I literally can't see anything good when I've drunk too much and I know that's not my true self.

I know it sounds silly to be happy at this time of the day but I haven't drunk anything yet. Normally I need a few swigs of wine to get me going / get rid of the shakes/sweats in the morning. I'm going to go as long as I can today.

Two other things that I hope people will relate to because if I said it to anybody else they wouldn't understand. I was very proud yesterday morning to be going into work and not having to ditch a couple (or more) secret empty bottles in the recycling bin when I get off the train. The other was having no urgent rushing to the bathroom in the morning. That's been very bad at times, almost to the point that I've been worried to try to set off for work as it's so urgent.

So I'm still not 'there' but my mind is still set and I'm making changes each day.

This thread helps MASSIVELY.

Thank you. I feel so pathetic to be here again. No offence of course. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be strong, if you see what I mean. It's so much easier just to give in.

Has anyone ever rung the AA helpline number? Any feedback? I didn't feel like I was brave enough to turn to AA last time. Maybe it's what I need.

I feel pathetic too. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be strong either! It all seems like some vague kind of dream that I'll ever be free of this.

I emailed AA and they gave me some numbers to call. I didn't get any further.

At the moment I'm trying to think of a stopping date. That helped me a lot with smoking. I know that next week will be useless as it's half term and I have two very big work events that I have to travel away to. But I'm thinking the week after half term. That's dd's exam week so kind of stressful but also it would be good if I was on the case for her. I'm thinking of calling in sick to work for the whole week as I don't think this will be possible if I'm in the familiar 'trigger' zones. The idea frightens me. Is it sensible?

BadWool You not needing a drink to steady you this morning is a BIG deal Fantastic stuff :) Keep going and as for taking time off work around your quit date - do what you have to do. Sobriety first and foremost.
Welcome back mistress and please don't feel pathetic. I'm the same as you and mortil in that every time I thought I had a handle on it I went and did something spectacularly shaming - hence why I stopped! The early days of struggle are worth it in the long run so grit your teeth and if all else fails put yourself to bed and sleep

Hi Mistress! I remember you well, and remember you being very kind and supportive to me when I had lapses.

It's lovely to hear from you. Sorry to hear you sounding so sad and frustrated.

BadWool I really really think that if you are able to book a week off work when you stop, then do it. This is really the time when you need and deserve to be very protective of yourself. Sleep, listen to hypnosis and meditation cds, have long baths, cry, drink herbal tea. Post here. :) Read the masses of amazing sobriety blogs that are out there. Gather up everything you need........ nothing is more important than getting a handle on drinking, really.

Yes Cornchips, you were Nochips once, is that right? Hello! I remember that you always came back to the thread, despite any slips. How are you doing?

Well, I'm in bed already! Children are down, 2 new books on the Kindle (Lucy Rocca and Ice and a Slice lady have both published again since I was here). I've eaten plenty today and I'm feeling okay. I think the fact I have been better means that big binges don't take as long to get over.

Texted DH from work with an outpouring which really helped. I told him how much I love him and how I don't want to keep messing up. I need to lean on him to show him I love him and I'm vulnerable, I think. I did it all by myself last time, as it's hard for me to admit when I'm struggling. Always has been. I'm very much a coper (eldest sibling!) and quite introverted unless I'm drunk. God, you should have seen me on Friday... Dancing, flirting, smoking, falling, being very inappropriate ... Awful.
Anyway. Feelings of shame are subsiding already, especially as DH has been so lovely. It actually feels as though there is another me... The normal me would never do or say those hurtful, insane things. I think that DH sees that too, and that's why he can keep loving me. These spells are few and far between but they are there and they damage me so much.
Thank you for your kind words.

Hope you are all well and safe this evening.

Mistress good to hear you had an okay day. Good that you opened up to your husband. I can completely relate to that state of always being the 'coper' and crap at asking for help. It sounds like we are very similar... It really helped me to admit that I couldn't manage to stop and stay stopped by myself. I did ring AA! Not scary once you do it. Quite the opposite for me. I have quite a history leading up to this part of my sobriety with detox treatments and relapses. I am now quite active in AA and find it extremely helpful. I know it's not for everyone but I wouldn't be where I am today without them and an extremely supportive husband. For me it has been very hard to stop being so bloody stubborn and think that I can control everything myself. That I could cut drinking to a normal level, that I didn't need people telling me what to do.
I'm working nights tonight, hence the funny time. Just keep at it

Mistress, I had a disastrous one at Christmas last year where I got so drunk I could hardly stand and it was in front of dh's entire family including his two daughters from previous relationship. I can imagine the stories that went back to their mum about their new 'stepmum'! And I was horrendously mean to dh - it was the first time I saw a look of absolute dislike in his eyes when he looked at me. Very dangerous.

BUT ... yesterday i drank only slightly over half a bottle of wine which is less than I've drunk in a day for must be at least five years now ... still managing not to have anything in the morning but usually feel sweaty and weird by about midday. I'm hoping that time will extend as i drink less and less. I desperately wanted to drink yesterday evening but every time I went to the fridge I got some slimline tonic and went to bed utterly sober. I feel lousy today though, cracking headache, very tired, got a long day ahead at work.

I'm focusing on losing weight - I'm considering buying some scales (don't have any) as an incentive. Plus looking forward to feeling clear and rested instead of foggy and exhausted.

BadWool You are doing stupendously well!! Seriously - from two bottle to only just over half a bottle in less than a week is seriously good and determined tapering. I take my hat off to you That time should extend as you go on as your bodies dependence on alcohol to function subsides. Your brain is rebalancing minus the booze so you will feel pretty damn rubbish though and I recommend sleep and lots of it. Keep going - I am SO proud of you As for weight loss - don't try to do too much at once. Keep your eye on the prize of stopping drinking for now - you can tackle the weight later. If you remove all perceived treats from your life you will feel deprived and in my experience that way relapse lurks.