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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh dear, can't unhear what I've just heard, would you say something or leave it?

75 replies

CurlyWurlyCake · 02/04/2015 22:52

DD has a friend over for a sleepover (they are 11) I don't know the friends mum very well and not met the dad yet.

Just heard DDs friend tell DD she has read messages on her dads phone (she plays games on it) to another women.

Things like, morning gorgeous, I love the dress you had on today, told wife I'm working till 10pm so see you at yours for 8pm etc

DD said she should tell her mum but friend said no because she didn't want them to divorce Sad

Wwyd?

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 02/04/2015 22:53

Oh god, that's very tricky, as you don't know the parents well. Um. I'd probably leave it for now...

StickEm · 02/04/2015 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirVixofVixHall · 02/04/2015 22:55

How horrible for you.My first thought is that I wouldn't say anything as she isn't a close friend, and it will probably come out anyway as the dd knows. Really grim for an 11 year old girl to be lumbered with that secret. Sad. I will mull over it tonight, as I am not quite sure what i would do tbh.

mampam · 02/04/2015 22:57

Well done to your DD for telling her friend she should tell her mum.......poor girl, no kid should have to keep a secret like that and have that burden on their shoulders.

I don't really think it is your place to say anything but you could discuss with your DD to encourage her friend to keep the lines of communication open.

Original poster
CurlyWurlyCake · 02/04/2015 23:00

It is horrible, I've been that wife who didn't know but to think my DC knew and couldn't tell me. Sad

I would want to know, poor DD's friend.

OP posts:
ouryve · 02/04/2015 23:01

Your DD said the right thing. I don't think there is anything more you can do.

RainbowFlutterby · 02/04/2015 23:02

I would leave it. You don't know if the girl was telling the truth or not. Some girls can have very fanciful imaginations and like attention from the "poor me" act.

TheCraicDealer · 02/04/2015 23:04

I have been that kid, finding those messages. It was my mum in my case though.. I felt very responsible for making sure my dad didn't find out because I too didn't want them to split up. Eventually of course it did come out. I'd probably tell the mum, it's too much for a child of that age to have on her shoulders and trying to deal with it without any support from her parents.

RainbowFlutterby · 02/04/2015 23:05

Sorry, that came across a bit harsh. Unfortunately I remember a girl from senior school who weaved a pack of lies about being sexually abused by her stepfather so it can happen.

Original poster
CurlyWurlyCake · 02/04/2015 23:07

Good idea about talking to DDS so she can support her friend through me.

I'm dropping DDs friend home in the morning, if he opens the door can I send friend upstairs with duvet and just say "your DD has read your phone messages, you have 24hrs to speak to your wife before I do" they only live one street down.

I should just leave it shouldn't I?

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 02/04/2015 23:07

I would tell her. I agree it's too much for the child to bear.

What a twat he is being so blase with his phone knowing what is on there.

Husbanddoestheironing · 02/04/2015 23:12

Blimey I would try not to get involved, but be supportive to DD's friend if/when needed. It strikes me he's not being very careful about keeping it quiet, so it may well come out anyway. IME (with DSD) 11 year olds sometimes get a bit over-dramatic as well so if you haven't seen the messages yourself be wary of being drawn in.

LadyBlaBlah · 02/04/2015 23:12

How do you know it was lies, Rainbow? Sexual abuse victims are called liars all the time, it's part of the perpetrator routine.

Were you equipped to spot this when you were in Senior School?

Canyouforgiveher · 02/04/2015 23:12

I'd tell her in a non serious "kids say the funniest things, maybe it was a tv show plot" so she doesn't have to acknowledge it as real to you. but at least she knows.

LadyBlaBlah · 02/04/2015 23:13

I'd rather tell the mum and let her find out whether she is making it up which is probably unlikely given the specifics she has mentioned

peggyundercrackers · 02/04/2015 23:20

I think your idea of letting the person know his messages have been read is good however don't threaten to tell his wife unless he does... It's not your place to threaten him, you have nothing to do with their relationship.

Original poster
CurlyWurlyCake · 02/04/2015 23:28

Thank you all, I have no idea what to do.

All I know is i would want to know and would hate my 11yr old to have the burden of this information in the hope to prevent divorce.

OP posts:
AWholeLottaNosy · 02/04/2015 23:31

If you tell the dad, you are giving him the chance to delete the messages and then there'll be no proof. If you were going to say anything I'd tell the mum what you overheard.

RainbowFlutterby · 02/04/2015 23:41

LadyBlaBlah - the girl admitted it was lies to a few "chosen friends" and said it was because she wanted to make him go away so her mum and dad would get back together.
I probably wasn't "equipped to spot it", but I was told by the girl herself.

strawberry01 · 03/04/2015 00:03

I would not tell the dad either that isn't fair on the DD. You don't know what's going to happen when you walk away from that door.

Could you bring up the subject with her, let her know you herd and that she really should tell her mum? She might find having some adult support a relief right now.

JudyK61 · 03/04/2015 00:07

Oh how sad. What a burden for her to carry. Not sure I'd get involved - could just be a misunderstanding

peggyundercrackers · 03/04/2015 08:16

why would you tell the DD to speak to her mum? no doubt shes already feeling bad enough about what she heard without someone else trying to pressure her into telling...

forget what you heard - its nothing to do with you.

rookiemere · 03/04/2015 08:19

I would stay out of it. You don't know the parents well and for all you know wife could already be aware of it and turning a blind eye - it does happen.

LadyBlaBlah · 03/04/2015 08:32

Rainbow- sorry to pick you up on this but even if she told you it was lies, there are circumstances where children feel they have to drop what they've said, and 'admit to lying'

It's not always the case but I've seen many people who most certainly have been abused take on the 'liar ' role just to make it go away. E.g. Stepfather may threaten to beat mother up if she doesn't drop it. Disclosure is not easy.

Sorry for derail but automatically assuming children lie more than adults is a very big problem in our culture which puts them very firmly in dangerous positions.

Rebecca2014 · 03/04/2015 08:44

Oh god this brings back memories. I remember my mum and dad going through a really bad patch, I remember we were walking along beach and my dad wrote loves in the sand and we carried on walking. My mum for some reason went back and wrote loves a man name who wasn't my dads!! I went back and had a look and rubbed it out because I didn't want my dad to see it.

When we got back to the house, my mum took me into the bathroom and told me it was nothing and don't tell dad. It was all pretty horrifying. They are still together now though but it is a horrible thing to put on a child.

Poor dd friend but there is nothing you can do.

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