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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh dear, can't unhear what I've just heard, would you say something or leave it?

75 replies

CurlyWurlyCake · 02/04/2015 22:52

DD has a friend over for a sleepover (they are 11) I don't know the friends mum very well and not met the dad yet.

Just heard DDs friend tell DD she has read messages on her dads phone (she plays games on it) to another women.

Things like, morning gorgeous, I love the dress you had on today, told wife I'm working till 10pm so see you at yours for 8pm etc

DD said she should tell her mum but friend said no because she didn't want them to divorce

Wwyd?

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 03/04/2015 08:44

I would stay out of the other family's affairs, but have a talk with your own DD to make sure that she knows that if she is ever upset by something she sees, she should always feel confident to speak to you about it.

Sounds like she already knows that, though, from the advice she gave her friend. Poor friend-of-DD, feeling responsible for keeping a secret and for keeping her parents together .

Unescorted · 03/04/2015 08:44

I wouldn't bring it up with either parent as you don't know either very well. However I would make sure the friend knows you are there to listen & support. It must be a huge burden for her to carry. She knows her Dad is out of order, but he is still her Dad and she may not yet be able to disentangle her relationship with her Dad, the one he has with her Mum or the one she has with her Mum.

She is in a position where if she says something her world is likely to implode, but if she doesn't say something she is in effect lying to her mother and being complicit and condoning a behaviour in her father that she doesn't agree with.

She needs someone to say it is OK to be confused by what is going on and even as an adult it is confusing.

thewomaninwhitefluffybunnyears · 03/04/2015 08:47

I would like to think I would say something but simply because of your DD's friend shouldering the burden. I would not typically but ironically I would want to know.

Sorry Op, this is tricky for you and your DD.

Missymum6 · 03/04/2015 08:50

I do see everyones point but I think I would say something. I'd pull the mum aside and explain what I had heard and say sorry for getting involved but I felt I had to say something as I would want to know if my daughter was saying those things. It's a tricky one, im trying to imagine how I would react to hearing that....

Moreisnnogedag · 03/04/2015 08:59

That's hard. I think I'd have to say something just because it's not fair in the little girl. I'd probably try and do it in a way to give the mum an 'out', like a previous poster said about perhaps her dd had watched a programme.

ChoochiWhoo · 03/04/2015 09:04

I think rainbow needs to be left alone people do lie about all sorts of things, god i dont think there is anything you can do its horrible so sorry for the dd xx

TokenGinger · 03/04/2015 09:07

Poor kid. This is a really tough one. You don't know the family so cannot possibly gauge it.

My worry would be the impact this will have on the little girl; mental health wise (keeping a huge secret) and what it'll teach her about future relationships.

However, I'd also be worried about telling, because she will blame herself for a long time about the break up.

Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 09:12

I'd probably tell the mum or dad (who ever opens the door - could be both of them!) that their DD has read some of her DH's texts and seems quite stressed about something but you're not sure what

WizardOfToss · 03/04/2015 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 09:15

Actually that's probably the wrong thing to do

Do you know anyone who's a good strong friend with the mum?

grumbleina · 03/04/2015 09:16

I think I'd mention it to the mum, as a pp suggested, in quite a light way. I do agree there's a good chance it isn't true, I had several friends as a kid who would make stuff like this up. But even if it isn't true I think it's worth mentioning, as I do think kids who do this are looking for attention and not particularly happy, so it's sort of an 'either way it needs looking at' situation, imo.

Obviously terrible, if it is true. But I still think you should say something. Maybe pull the wife aside next time you can and say look I overheard this and I obviously don't want to get involved in your business and nor do I know the truth of it, but here's what I heard. If she's already aware as a pp suggested then no harm done. But I agree with you that it's not a burden for a child to carry, if it is true.

RainbowFlutterby · 03/04/2015 09:21

LadyBlaBlah - I do understand what you're saying, but in my particular case the girl was lying to myself and a few others or she was lying to everyone else. At no point did she drop the allegations to anyone in authority.

I do understand though that that particular case must have been very unusual.

hesterton · 03/04/2015 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happygirl87 · 03/04/2015 11:44

My reaction was the same as Rainbow's - v common for girls of that age to construct a fantasy for attention! Plus as said upthread, if it is true wife may already know - Id be very very wary of interfering in someone else's marriage in the situation you describe

UnsolvedMystery · 03/04/2015 11:58

I would keep well out. This is absolutely none of your business.
It is not your place to say anything.
You have no idea if there is even any truth in it.
Girls DO sometimes make stuff like this up.

Justusemyname · 03/04/2015 12:03

I would 100% tell the mother. The child's well being has to come first and having this pressure and the responsibly she will feel she has, is too much and unfair.

Untrevive · 03/04/2015 12:12

If the girl is okay with it i would be tempted to leave your DD being a friend she can trust and not one whose mum eavesdrop. How do you know the relationship isn't one where her parents have agreed with the status quo? Maybe the mother does it too or has done it too. Who knows? I'd stay on the sidelines for now.

Untrevive · 03/04/2015 12:13

Of course I'm not saying you eavesdrop it's something that could backfire on your DD if the girl reacts badly to your speaking up for her.

Justusemyname · 03/04/2015 12:14

The protection of the child comes before any concern about interfering in my opinion.

CheersMedea · 03/04/2015 12:16

I do understand what you're saying, but in my particular case the girl was lying to myself and a few others or she was lying to everyone else. At no point did she drop the allegations to anyone in authority

Rainbow an awareness that children may lie is totally different from a starting point that they are more likely to be lying. In the situation you describe their was a clear motive for the lies.

Here it is very doubtful there is a motive. It is possible it could be attention seeking but the detail given and her concern about her parents getting divorced makes that unlikely.

It's also possible that she has got the wrong end of the stick and is misinterpreting.

That's a separate point though.

OP if I were you I would leave it alone and do nothing.

If the father is having an affair, it will either burn out and the wife may never find out and the marriage/family remains intact or, if the marriage is in trouble anyway, it will come out in the course of time. You can't rule out the fact that the wife may know and is turning a blind eye.

Interfering isn't going to help anyone particularly where you are unsure of facts.

The girl is old enough to know that she can confide in an adult and if she is choosing not to do that, then she is entitled to. 11 years old, while young, is not so young as to be unable to take decisions about this kind of thing totally uninformed. She is rightly recognising that telling her mother will be unwelcome information. It is not an unreasonable decision to decide not to do that.

PizzaFingers · 03/04/2015 12:20

Tough as you don't know them well. Maybe you should just man up and say something to her though, as in, you overheard the girls talking and although you hope it's something and nothing you thought you'd better say. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, this woman could be well aware and choosing to turn a blind eye. It happens. When it happened to me the first time, believe it or not my three year old knew before me but was sworn to secrecy by his lying, cheating dad.

CheersMedea · 03/04/2015 12:24

The child's well being has to come first and having this pressure and the responsibly she will feel she has, is too much and unfair.

I don't agree that staying out of it is less in the interests of the child's wellbeing than interfering.

It is overly simplistic to say "get it all out in the open = no pressure on child = best outcome"

It is possible that the best interests of the child are for this family to remain intact, even allowing for the fact that she holds this knowledge and may feel under pressure to keep it secret.

It is a truth that plenty of men have affairs that remain secret and the wife never finds out. Obviously, most women would say "I'd want to know" but if the choice is at the end of a life time "40 years of a basically happy and functioning marriage and family life with a short lived affair I never knew about" OR "find out about it and divorce and family break up", not everyone would make the same choice.

Ultimately, it's between the husband and wife. It is not for the OP to share the information because it could cause more damage.

How do you think the child will feel if because she was overheard, this gets told to the mother without her consent and the parents separate?!?!? The child would find out what happened and that is far more damaging because she'd totally blame herself.

CheersMedea · 03/04/2015 12:28

The other point, in terms of the best interests of the children, is that if you say anything there are two options - 1. This info is correct. 2. It is incorrect.

Either way, these are parents that will not want to have anything to do with you again because every time they see you, it will remind them of either (a)[if incorrect] the excruciatingly embarrassing situation where they had to justify their marriage (which is fine thank you very much) to a near stranger (b) [if correct] the person who lead to the break up of their marriage OR a person who reminds them of something they are trying to work past.

In turn this means that your daughters will find it difficult to maintain a friendship because her parents won't want anything to do with you. If they are close friends, it could be sad and damaging for both of them.

Justusemyname · 03/04/2015 12:37

Text the mum saying you heard the children discussing grownup related and you feel you should mention it as not doing so means you are making a decision about something that is not your business. If she want to know she will reply. You can reassure her you won't tell anyone or mention it to her but you are there for support if she wants it, if you are of course.

Justusemyname · 03/04/2015 12:38

Cheers, you do have some good void points.

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