Oh dear, can't unhear what I've just heard, would you say something or leave it?

[CurlyWurlyCake]

DD has a friend over for a sleepover (they are 11) I don't know the friends mum very well and not met the dad yet.

Just heard DDs friend tell DD she has read messages on her dads phone (she plays games on it) to another women.

Things like, morning gorgeous, I love the dress you had on today, told wife I'm working till 10pm so see you at yours for 8pm etc

DD said she should tell her mum but friend said no because she didn't want them to divorce

Wwyd?

Text the mum saying you heard the children discussing grownup related and you feel you should mention it as not doing so means you are making a decision about something that is not your business. If she want to know she will reply. You can reassure her you won't tell anyone or mention it to her but you are there for support if she wants it, if you are of course.

That is terrible advice.

"Oooh. I've got something to tell but I'm not telling unless you ask me"

It's making a bigger drama out of it than is necessary.

If you decide to reveal the information (which as I've said I wouldn't) then you need to do it in a mature and adult way - which means neutrally, just stating the facts and directly. Not in some teenage "I've got a secret to tell you if you wanna know text me" way.

It isn't making it a drama. It is giving her the news in private so she isn't embarrassed but also means if she would rather not know she doesn't have to ask.

I'd say I heard the child saying she had read messages on her dad's phone, which worried her, and that she sounded distressed. Leave it at that. The mother can go looking if she wants to, chances are she already knows or has her suspicions.

The protection of the child comes before any concern about interfering in my opinion.
If you genuinely believe that there is a child protection issue, then it should be reported to Social Services.
It's pretty obvious that there isn't a child protection concern, she isn't at risk of harm, it's fairly normal family stress and it's no-one else's business.

Agree with the posters saying keep out of it. You don't know what was seen, it's hearsay and children can and do make things up.

OP, your idea to tell your daughter to tell you if there's anything that she's unhappy with is a good one - do that - she's your responsibility.

Really don't meddle in somebody else's marriage, it's asking for trouble and it's nothing to do with you or your daughter.

This child is telling her friends about what she saw, and that she is afraid to tell her mother. She is obviously feeling burdened by her knowledge.

Whether she is making it up as a cry for attention or whether she is keeping a huge secret, I think the mother should be told. This girl's not OK, and her telling friends is a sign that she needs to talk to someone.

I'm sceptical - not of OP but of a parent having an affair, keeping text messages and allowing their child to play on their phone. Why would you?

If I were OP, I'd possibly speak to daughter's friend and suggest that she tells her mum if there's something she's worrying about. I imagine this is what OP would want if the situation were reversed and it was her daughter who was worried.

Tell the parent. my parents did this to me and for over a year I kept a horrible secret which unknown to me they BOTH knew about each others affairs. They just didnt have the guts to tell me. I went through hell and still never forgiven them. It was traumatic to see the shouting and violence that came from it and I think I ,may haven blocked a lot of memories. For the little girl involved you need to say something.

I'd definitely pass it on to the mother. It's not 'normal family stress' as another poster has suggested. It's actually a crushing burden for this little girl to be carrying and you are the only one who can do anything about it. If it isn't true, that will become apparent. If it is, good will come of it because the little girl no longer has to play an adult, caring role that is causing her huge stress. I would speak to her mother in private and stress that you have no idea if it's the truth and want nothing further to do with it. It's not meddling in another marriage either, simply removing a burden from a child's shoulders. She could be going through all kinds of behavioural problems as a result of this stress and her parents won't be able to deal understandingly with her because they have no idea what's going on inside her head.

If you do nothing, only one person will benefit. A man who doesn't seem to deserve any extra benefits at all. If you speak, whatever happens, you will have benefited the child.

leave it alone. The friend confided to your DD, not you, right? One way another, the wife will eventually find out without your help.

Stay well out of it

Telling the truth is always the right thing. Definitely tell the mum. Just say what a poster earlier said - that you overheard her daughter saying shed seen some texts about another lay saying love you, miss you etc that worried her and mde her wonder if she should tell or keep it a secret, and worried if she did it'd cause a divorce.

Interesting points but I'd bet most of the people saying stay out of it would also want to know if they were in the mothers shoes. I'd say go with your gut & maybe ask if she mumsnets before deciding-either tell her vaguely re dd 'saw some distressing messages' or 'did has seen messages on your dh phone to OW'. Check she's ok & be willing to stay with her if it seems she needs it or let her know you're there if she needs someone to talk to,no it you'll never bring up the subject again unless she asks-it's her dd you're concerned about.

Good luck-v tricky one....

I say nothing.

I don't get involved in other people's marriage unless they are very close friends or family.

Send the woman a text, anonymously.
It's because nobody wants to interfere that Cheaters manage to get away with their disgusting behaviour.

I also agree with the poster who said this girl is likely to be under more strain if her parents divorce because she is more than likely to blame herself for telling OPs dd and it all coming out.

Telling the mum may not be in the child's best interests at all.

Let the family deal with it. It will come out or it won't but either way the child is going to be carrying a burden, the burden of keeping it to herself of the burden of thinking she is to blame should the parents separate, or knowing their marriage is on rocky ground.

It's not my place though to make sure cheaters don't get away with it though.

It is quite unlikely he would be allowing her on the phone if he was getting texts from another woman. Most cheaters would guard that phone with their lives or delete them before handing the phone over to a child.

Not when my child confided someone, my child may not ever trust that person again and when I do need to know something (like sexual abuse), I would never find out because it just taught my child never trust anyone again

Anonymous text is horrible. Don't do that.

I'd stay out of it too.

I had a different situation a couple of weeks ago hearing a friend of DD's nanny be so rude about her family with their 3 year old sitting bored next to her and for 40 minutes. I don't know the parents that well and we were just in the library and I felt so cross at the child being ignored too every time asked to have a book read to her. I left it as felt too interfering but that was tricky too

It may not be accurate or true and it certainly doesn't sound like a child protection or abuse issue as someone hinted at earlier?

Even if this is true then it isn't necessarily in everybody's best interests for it to be out in the open. And if it is true and he really is this careless with the evidence it will come out sooner rather than later anyway.

Sorry but I fall into the "none of my business" camp.

Argh no, too much responsibility for the little girl - that weight needs to be removed from her shoulders on to her parents (however that is done).

I was that girl but I actually caught my dad with a woman naked from the waist down.
I kept it a secret for a couple of years as I wanted to believe my dad that I had misunderstood.
After a while, I realised I hadn't been confused. My dad and the OW behaviour was getting worse and worse and it felt like only my mum didn't know.
I didn't want to tell her so I told my uncle who told my mum. It was horrible.

Such a shame. If my daughter was carrying a secret like that then I would want to know. I would want to unburden her.

Could any mother on here say that she would want her daughter to keep that secret to herself?

I would simply say you overheard a conversation with the girls. State it. Say kindly you won't mention this to anyone.