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Original poster

Got him back from OW. What happens now?

100 replies

Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 15:16

Our marriage had the same unresolved issues for a very long time which frustrated and exasperated me so much that we separated. It was 100% my call, he was desperate to stay.

Immediately he gets with someone else. This relationship is so intense and so accelerated that he is moving in with her and her twin girls within 4 weeks of meeting. This sets me off into a deep spiral of anger and hurt - that I feel I want hime back home to try again. He agrees. He is home - all is calm, order is restored. Both of us have committed to working hard at it - we are in week 2 of marriage recovery.

But I am obsessing so much about the OW and their relationship that it is sucking the life out of any progress.

Will we get through this?

I know that we need to focus on what the issues were that broke us up and not the short relationship that somehow has brought us back together.

Was the OW a real wake up call to me to see that I had made a mistake - that I should try to mend it, not end it etc

I look back on the issues in the marriage - all documented here over some time on MN - and think was I over reacting? - was I being unreasonable?

Is this a cliche? - a script? - ie the xW - fights tooth and nail to get him back?
A woman scorned etc.

Cant work out it my motivations are jealousy, hurt, control etc or real love that I am trying to rekindle? He is my best friend and soulmate - but let me down by not stepping up to his responsibilities and contribution to make the marriage work -- and I need to compromise also.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 02/04/2015 15:21

Bit harsh to call her OW since you were separated when he got with her.

The moving in within 4 weeks thing just screams "rebound" - I would try not to give too much thought to her, if you can. He certainly came running back to you when asked, right? So he may have had an intense relationship with her, but not any kind of deep connection.

Are you having counselling together?

Cabrinha · 02/04/2015 15:26

She wasn't the OW.

We can't know, honestly, what your motivations are. Are you having counselling alone and with him?

Maybe it's a wake up call. Or maybe all those issues are still there, and you're jealous and keeping him on a string.

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 15:32

Yes understand now - should not have said OW - should have said GF.

Yes it was rebound. I am 100% confident that he would not go back to her behind my back - and yes he came back instantly. We are trying to work it through together - have not arranged any counselling yet - but I think that would be critical - as there is a lot to unpick and a lot at stake.

OP posts:
loveareadingthanks · 02/04/2015 15:33

She's not an OW as they weren't having an affair while you were together.

4 weeks is very weird behaviour, yes, desperate rebounding, who knows, only your husband can explain it all to you.

I think you are being hit by jealousy. The important thing for you to work out is
a) were you jealous because you realised actually you want him and your marriage (in a positive way) and you would have got back together with him regardless of this relationship
b) you were jealous of his having moved on and while you didn't want him, no-one else should have him either. This might have triggered you to getting back with him when it would have been better not to (and you wouldn't have got back together with him without this trigger).

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 15:34

Cabrinha - I really dont know either at theis point - hence the anxiety,hence the post. I dont feel jealous - but I did feel out of control.

OP posts:
StrawberryTallCake · 02/04/2015 15:34

Why did you break up with him in the first place?

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 15:53

lovereading -- def not no2 - really did not experience jealousy - was shocked/hurt that he had met someone OLD within 24hrs of leaving the house - and was moving in with her family within weeks. Maybe it was the sound of the door slamming so tightly with no way back that woke me up ? or I am just being controlling - I do desperately want to work.

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 02/04/2015 16:13

Sounds less like the sound of a door slamming and more like the desperate scrabbling of a person who cannot, even for a moment, be alone and take responsibility for himself. He sounds utterly incapably needy and immature - begging for your marriage and then moving in with someone else a month later? Nonsense. And about right for a bloke who couldn't step up and be an adult in the relationship with you either.

So be careful. Forget about her, but be careful what you want from him.

Quitelikely · 02/04/2015 16:14

What were the issues in your marriage? I think they are they deciding factor regarding the future

pinkandstripey · 02/04/2015 16:23

Sounds to me like she was an OW. You don't say what the problems in your relationship were, have you seen the 'script' on here? I'd also put money on her being around for a lot longer than he's claiming. He'd have told her he left you for her, hence the moving in so 'quickly'.

What happened with them for him to come back to you? Sorry, but I bet there's a lot more to this.

Jan45 · 02/04/2015 17:39

Sorry but he sounds like a weak twat, within 4 weeks he gets with another woman then moves back to you as soon as you click your fingers, sounds like any woman would do!

Don't mean to sound mean, but how can you trust a person that behaves like this, I think you took him back out of panic, what has changed, your issues are probably still there..........sometimes you are better being apart to work out exactly what it is you want, i.e, him, or just don't want someone else having him so soon.

It's a bit strange he got with someone so quick, you sure she wasn't the OW?

BuzzardBird · 02/04/2015 17:45

I doubt he had just met her either unless he is a complete and utter conman and managed to persuade a woman he had just met, who has children, that she was the love of his life and she must let him move in. Don't think so.

I think that once you realise he is back and not going to leave you again that you won't want him anymore. You just didn't want anyone else to want him.

You are on a hiding to nothing I suspect.

kittensinmydinner · 02/04/2015 17:57

Sorry I disagree . This sounds like classic rebound. I would focus on your marriage. If it was a deep,connection he wouldn't have jumped hope when you clicked your fingers. Do you think he knew it was the one thing to make you change your mind .? Would you have wanted him back if he had gone to live on his own ???

pinkfrocks · 02/04/2015 17:57

Sorry but you sound all over the place and TBH what is called a bit of a headfuck.

She's not the OW. You weren't together when they met. You'd told him to leave and he had.

You sent him packing on your terms. Then when he met someone else on the rebound (as men often do- he's not unique there) you got jealous at the speed of their relationship and whistled for him to come back.

Without any real insight into why you had ended it in the first place?

I don't know why he was so keen - but sometimes men are, especially if they are deeply hurt and want to feel that someone- anyone- wants them.

But you sound a bit heartless. This is all about you.
You don't seem to have any self awareness about what you did, the hurt you caused him and how you can snap your fingers and he'll come back.

I think you ought to be honest with yourself and see your behaviour was not good, and that you only asked him back out of jealousy. Otherwise, why did you send him away in the first place?

AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 18:45

deary me

this isn't going to end at all well Hmm

something2say · 02/04/2015 18:46

Sylvians has nailed this for me.

The going off to someone else so quickly probably is the same sort of thing that concerned you about him in the first place. Give it a while and you may want him to go again, for those same old reasons. The fact that he would get another so quickly....well that's the same.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2015 18:53

Did you bin him initially for being a lazy cocklodging manchild? If so, that would explain why he had his feet under someone else's table so quickly - that type of man is usually goodlooking and charming enough (for the first half of his life) and plausible about what cruel bitches his line of XPs are for not indulging him enough.
You do sound a bit up yourself though - you seem to have thrown him out and then demanded him back just to prove he was your property rather than an autonymous person.

pinkfrocks · 02/04/2015 18:56

And about right for a bloke who couldn't step up and be an adult in the relationship with you either.

The Op said they had frustrating and unresolved issues.
I can't see anything that says it was all his fault.

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 18:57

Yes I am allover the place - and this has been and still is a big head fuck -- I am crystal clear why we ended - it took a long time to get there - and I tried and tried - I am confused now about why I felt so extremely emotional about the GF- that totally surprised me and it has stunned me that I want him back - I am terrified we will be back to SQ 1 in no time. My only hope is that this time he is choosing to acknowledge and identify with the issues in the marriage and getting his head out of the sand so that we can work together to address.

OP posts:
LadyBlaBlah · 02/04/2015 18:57

lol @ "for the first half of his life"

So bloody true. When middle age hits......well......quite!

LadyRivers · 02/04/2015 19:02

Hi, I'm going through something similar with DP. I ended things and he met someone else which fizzled out pretty quickly. We are back together and as bloody hard as it is I have to accept that he was single at the time and it's really none of my business. It doesn't stop me thinking about things they did together though and it ate away at me. I've come to the conclusion that I can either let it go or let him go, because to keep dwelling on something that was really none of my business while we were apart would destroy us. It's so hard though.

LadyBlaBlah · 02/04/2015 19:03

If the only reason you got back with him is because he was with someone else.......hmmmm......it's not great.

I literally am repulsed by my exh yet I still get a flash of the green monster when he gets yet another girlfriend quickly followed by pity for the usually nice women . It's normal, but I'm not so sure it's very healthy to act on this in such a drastic way.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/04/2015 19:04

Best friend and soulmate who drove you mad? I hope that the original problems get tackled but I too wonder whether gf was in the background for longer than he let on. OLD and meeting her 24 hours after leaving? Pretty quick work.

Newrule · 02/04/2015 19:05

Great post pinkfrocks I could not have said it better. Truly objectionable behaviour on the part of the OP. However, it will be all the husband's fault. Poor OP. Sorry I cannot endorse or justify such abhorrent behaviour.

PurpleWithRed · 02/04/2015 19:07

He rushed off and found someone else immediately because he still wanted to be in a relationship. He couldn't have you so she was a stopgap solution. A bit like a hire car when your own car is off the road.

My xdh did this - within 6 weeks, while we were still living under the same roof, he found someone on the internet. Initially I was furious but then I came to realise it was flattering in a weird kind of way.

Move on and concentrate on what's important, which is your marriage.

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