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Original poster

Got him back from OW. What happens now?

100 replies

Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 15:16

Our marriage had the same unresolved issues for a very long time which frustrated and exasperated me so much that we separated. It was 100% my call, he was desperate to stay.

Immediately he gets with someone else. This relationship is so intense and so accelerated that he is moving in with her and her twin girls within 4 weeks of meeting. This sets me off into a deep spiral of anger and hurt - that I feel I want hime back home to try again. He agrees. He is home - all is calm, order is restored. Both of us have committed to working hard at it - we are in week 2 of marriage recovery.

But I am obsessing so much about the OW and their relationship that it is sucking the life out of any progress.

Will we get through this?

I know that we need to focus on what the issues were that broke us up and not the short relationship that somehow has brought us back together.

Was the OW a real wake up call to me to see that I had made a mistake - that I should try to mend it, not end it etc

I look back on the issues in the marriage - all documented here over some time on MN - and think was I over reacting? - was I being unreasonable?

Is this a cliche? - a script? - ie the xW - fights tooth and nail to get him back?
A woman scorned etc.

Cant work out it my motivations are jealousy, hurt, control etc or real love that I am trying to rekindle? He is my best friend and soulmate - but let me down by not stepping up to his responsibilities and contribution to make the marriage work -- and I need to compromise also.

OP posts:
LadyRivers · 02/04/2015 19:10

Can I also just say I don't class her as the OW or GF because in the grand scheme of things it was so insignificant to what we have together, a few weeks compared to 13 years.

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 19:11

What is abhorrent?

OP posts:
ShipwreckedAndComatose · 02/04/2015 19:13

You may have had a wake up call and wanted him to come back... But the issues that made you separate are still there.

I think you need to stop and think things through. Certainly not to have rushed to have him back in the house. It's not fair an anyone to chop and change so much (especially the children involved)

make sure your next move is considered carefully. Counselling perhaps? And some honest conversations

SlightlyJaded · 02/04/2015 19:14

To be honest, you both sound all over the place.

You have summoned him back for reasons that are unclear to anyone - least of all you. This shows little regard for his feelings long term or indeed your own self respect as you yourself stated it took a long time for you to finally end it.

He seems to be running to the last person who calls for him. Pretty much zero self esteem and no idea what he wants either.

I feel sorry for everyone including his new GF who (rather swiftly and therefore stupidly in my opinion) opened her heart, home and DC to her new boyfriend only to have him run off.

The right thing for you all, would be to live apart and work on your relationship from a position of neutrality. Otherwise what happens when the green monster departs and you realise you actually don't want him after all? Another click and he's gone?

Until the next girlfriend?

You must sort out your feelings before considering yourself re-established as a couple. For everyone's sake.

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 19:20

"Panic" was an emotion mentioned in PP that I recognised amongst the hurt and shock.

Sylvan's point I think is spot on:

"So be careful. Forget about her, but be careful what you want from him."

Shipwrecked -- yes we need to do some hard work with professional help.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 19:27

I don't think it is nowhere near enough to simply hope he has learned some lessons from this and he will miraculously change the behaviour that was obviously a deal breaker before

in fact, I reckon both of your actions have made that even more of a vanishingly impossible outcome, tbh

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 19:31

I would just assume our whole relationship had meant absolutely nothing for him to go off with someone else so quickly

and I would never get over that

so I would never take anyone back who did what the op's dh did

and I feel sorry for his (ex) gf

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2015 19:39

Agree that she wasn't an OW and she wasn't instrumental in your breakup.

What would I think if it were my husband that did this? I'd think very much less of him actually, whatever my motivations were for wanting him back I would wonder how special I was that a) he moved in with somebody else or was about to - and upset two children in the process (although GF was equally desperate it seems) and b) whether I would actually want him back as whatever the problems were, he has taken no time at all to address them.

I'd think that he just wanted the old comfortable routine and I'd be right. If that wasn't the case, he wouldn't have been online dating within weeks - and neither would I. I don't even think we'd be friends because I wouldn't get over how weak and pathetic he'd been.

Your thread title suggests that you think you've 'won' some kind of victory. You haven't really, you've allowed your husband to do what he wants, to his timetable and nothing is really going to change. It's very, very easy to say, "this is going to take a lot of hard work" but what does that actually mean? I see it here all the time. It's completely unverifiable and meaningless.

BrowersBlues · 02/04/2015 19:39

OP you are in a difficult situation and I think you did the right thing. It doesn't mean that you have to stick with your decision forever. Just try to relax and see how it goes. You had the courage to end it once. You are only human and so what you changed your mind. You can change it back again.

Your H is not blameless in this. He didn't face his responsibilities and contribute to the marriage. Maybe separating was the wake up call you both needed. Or maybe him returning will just confirm that you made the right decision to end it. If that is the case, end it.

I think people see indecision as a weakness. Indecision, especially in relationships, is crucial at times. If it wasn't I would have left my (crap) marriage within a week, thrown my two teenage children out of the house for being cheeky and disowned my parents for being so annoying.

Take your time because it will become clear to you pretty soon if you want to reverse your decision. Just relax and focus on yourself instead of thinking about everyone else.

Pontus17 · 02/04/2015 19:39

What were the reasons that he came back? What about your children as tbh they are the most important in your situation. Do they know about the GF and are they confident that he won't leave again? Have to say it sounds like a snap decision to have him back without really thinking it through.

theendoftheendoftheend · 02/04/2015 19:43

OP I've been in your shoes and tbh I ended up feeling like whiteconverse says.
It didn't work out the second time, funnily enough, and he's continued in much the same vain (quickly gets a new GF and after a couple of months wants to come back) all iI can say is be very cautious

Kvetch15 · 02/04/2015 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 19:53

AF -- I am not simply hoping - I am not looking for miracles - I know we both have to work v v hard to make significant long term sustainable changes to see this thru.

It is not an option that I am back in the pit of despair, which is where I was in the marriage for some time before I called time. We agreed that we would do 6 months living apart, no dating, to understand if there was any love left to recover/rebuild from our 30 year relationship (20 married, 4 DCs)

We are now having long searching conversations which did not happen in the bitter, contemptuous months at the end of the marriage. He acknowledges that he chose not to engage or compromise and cooperate in the marriage so it failed - he tells me he will step up. I am scared that he won't.

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 02/04/2015 19:53

"He was desperate to stay"

It is possible that this meet up with the new woman was actually part of his masterplan.

It worked a treat and you were asking him to come back within a few weeks of asking him to leave which took you ages to work up to!

He has now set down a marker which basically is "you ask me to leave again and I will be shagging someone new before you can close the door"

As for the thoughts of them together, you have to put that to the back of your mind! They will have had probably lots of frantic new sex for her to fall so quickly. Nothing you can do about that. It's done.

I would be focusing more on what made you want him to leave in the first place and what exactly has changed in 4 weeks?

The next few weeks will be very telling as to how much he is prepared to work with you and will also give you time to realise whether this decision was very hasty and driven by jealousy rather than common sense!

It could get a bit messy.

AWholeLottaNosy · 02/04/2015 19:53

So what are the issues in your marriage that need resolving? Maybe if you wrote about them we could help you with them.

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 19:55

*We agreed that we would do 6 months living apart, no dating, to understand if there was any love left to recover/rebuild from our 30 year relationship (20 married, 4 DCs) ..... but he has stayed since day one - it has mostly felt natural and a relief.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 19:56

let me make a prediction

I would be happy to be proved wrong but I don't think I will

he won't step up, and this is a massive mistake

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 19:57

He is a passive aggressive man-child - I am co-dep = exhausting combination. We both need to adapt big time.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/04/2015 19:59

no, you need to be with different partners

harsh, but true

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 20:03

AF - That is my fear - and is the same prediction from RELATE who I have been seeing alone for the last year or so throughout the breakdown. However they also said that it was clear I was not 100% ready to close the door right now - so another 6 months in the context of 30 years would be no big deal. He knows this and is determined to prove this wrong.

OP posts:
BrowersBlues · 02/04/2015 20:05

I know people in marriages who went through horrendous times and are now in their 50s/60's and really really love one another deeply.

In one case the husband was unfaithful and they got divorce lawyers in but didn't go through with the divorce. They are almost 60 and have grandchildren and say that they have never been so close.

Another couple went through hell and back whilst rearing their teenage children. The plan all along was that they would seperate when the children had left school. They are still together and at over 60 they literally hold hands when they are out. They are my aunt and uncle and their children are my cousins. My cousins have their own children and absolutely adore their parents.

Marriage is not easy. I am not recommending that anyone stays in an abusive marriage believe me, I left very shortly after I married and don't regret it for one minute. I have however seen marriages that go through hell and come out the other side.

Original poster
Controlleroller · 02/04/2015 20:14

Browers - close F&F have said to me over the past couple of years - you will be fine as a couple once kids are grown - parenting has been v difficult - discipline is where he has not stepped up specifically - 2 of the teenagers are v challenging. But I ended it because it was so wrong - the dynamic between us became toxic - the split parenting was so wrong for the kids. parenting alone was bliss.

OP posts:
MrsGPie01252 · 02/04/2015 20:15

Nice to read that BrowerBlues.

pinkfrocks · 02/04/2015 20:15

OP- you are pretty good at using cliches and labels- like man-child- co-dependant and being in 'marriage-recovery'. At least you didn't say you'd had an 'un-coupling'!

But what do those terms actually mean.

It is very common for men to find another person quickly. This forum is full of examples, no matter how the split happened. I have seen it in real life too- from widowers ( after 40 years of marriage) to divorcees. Men do not cope well on their own. Generally. Especially if they are ditched after a long marriage.

I don't think it is odd at all that after a long and unhappy marriage which you ended- or started to end- against his wishes, he went online and found a woman. I don't think it is any reflection on him not having feelings for you any more- but more as a salve for the hurt he must have felt.

I don't think his new relationship had a good start - for what that is worth- but neither is it really any of your business- or wasn't at the time, You'd ditched him.

Imagine the replies here if a man had posted 'I kicked the missus out after years of being at loggerheads. She didn't want to go. A few weeks later she has found someone else, so I was livid. I asked her to come back. She did. Now I am not sure if I want her here and if we can work it out.'

Would women post saying she must have been an old cow and you are better off without her?

Isn't this a classic 'I don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him either?'

Have you had serious discussion and tried Relate to see what you each need to do if you are going to save the marriage?

BrowersBlues · 02/04/2015 20:20

OP I have just read your post about him being a passive agressive man-child. If you have co-dependant tendencies go for counselling on your own and try to sort out your own issues. You need support and it won't happen overnight.

You don't have to make a decision today, just relax and think about yourself. I struggled for years trying to figure out what I want because I always thought 'what about the children, what about the family, what about school, what about what everyone thinks, what about the finances. Hand on heart nowadays the only question that I ask myself is 'do I want to be in this relationship'?

You are wrestling with so many emotions but you say he is your best friend and your soulmate. Are you sure about that? I don't believe that any one person is your soul mate. Meeting someone can be so arbitrary that I believe that you could conceivably fall in love with anyone who is kind, funny, half decent and that you have a lot in common with.

You will come out the other side of this one way or another and I hope you find some peace.