Got him back from OW. What happens now?

[Controlleroller]

Our marriage had the same unresolved issues for a very long time which frustrated and exasperated me so much that we separated. It was 100% my call, he was desperate to stay.

Immediately he gets with someone else. This relationship is so intense and so accelerated that he is moving in with her and her twin girls within 4 weeks of meeting. This sets me off into a deep spiral of anger and hurt - that I feel I want hime back home to try again. He agrees. He is home - all is calm, order is restored. Both of us have committed to working hard at it - we are in week 2 of marriage recovery.

But I am obsessing so much about the OW and their relationship that it is sucking the life out of any progress.

Will we get through this?

I know that we need to focus on what the issues were that broke us up and not the short relationship that somehow has brought us back together.

Was the OW a real wake up call to me to see that I had made a mistake - that I should try to mend it, not end it etc

I look back on the issues in the marriage - all documented here over some time on MN - and think was I over reacting? - was I being unreasonable?

Is this a cliche? - a script? - ie the xW - fights tooth and nail to get him back?
A woman scorned etc.

Cant work out it my motivations are jealousy, hurt, control etc or real love that I am trying to rekindle? He is my best friend and soulmate - but let me down by not stepping up to his responsibilities and contribution to make the marriage work -- and I need to compromise also.

And just to pick up on one other point- you said you agreed to 6 months apart with no dating to see if there was any love left.

I think this is a flawed expectation.

In order to make things better then you need to be together, to work things out.

Going into this no-mans' land- not married, not divorced- is really messy and much harder on the person who doesn't want to be separated.

It's not fair to ask anyone to put their lives on hold while one person ( you I expect) thinks if you want to carry on.

You may have thought he'd stick to the 6 month 'rule' about no dating but without knowing exactly what was said and how he felt, he may have thought 'Fuck this for a game of soldiers, I'm not waiting around to be ditched properly in 6 months',

Just trying to help you see the other side.

In what way was this woman an Other Woman??

Pinkfrocks is on the money here.

I also agree with pinkfrocks, very insightful.

Pinkfrocks - agree it was a flawed expectation - we initially decided that "it would be sensible" that we should live apart for 6 months and try to understand how we both felt but it hasn't happened like that he has stayed every night and as I said up thread it has felt natural and we have spoken more deeply and more frequently that we have in the past 2 years.

We also discussed that either of us stepping away at any point within that timeframe was OK as well if it was not right.

Browers yes I have been going to counselling with Relate alone for some time and have also done a lot of work on the co-dep bit I know I have to step back and change myself - I cant change him - I can set out my needs and wants and expectations of marriage/parenting but if he doesnt step up I need to walk away. Relate predict that I will continue to reflect, change and grow and he won't -- again he is party tot his and wants to prove them wrong - and is determined to make it work this time.

OP I would never underestimate the damage that teenagers can do to a marriage. My two have nearly put me in an early grave. My EXH is 'cool dad' while I deal with extremely serious issues and end up being the baddie. The only consolation I get is that long-term married friends of mine have told me that they were always the baddie whilst the fathers shirked their responsibilities.

I know two of these women intimately and they have been through hell and back with their teenage children, think violence in the home, leaving school, drugs, you name it. For some reason they stayed together, God knows how but their DC are in their 30's and are ok. Thankfully their marriages are still intact.

My parents reared 7 children in an extremely oppressive society and they were so unhappy. They are now in their 80's and big buddies. I can't deny that we felt the brunt of their un-happiness but we have definitely got over it.

I am 100% not recommending that anyone stays in an abusive marriage. I left after a year because my EXH was violent and I don't regret it. I would encourage my children to do the same. I can't advise you but just want to say that I hear you.

I haven't read beyond your OP

Just let him go

pinkfrocks is absolutely spot on!

also, rebound or not but anyone who made the decision to move in with someone and their children after 4 weeks would not be someone I'd want to be with. It shows a grave error of judgment and common sense on his (and her) part.

The fact you have had several issues in your marriage - long documented here on MN - is damn good indicator that this relationship is not for either of you.

20fifteen - he doesnt want to go.

So what if HE doesn't want to go. It is probably easier for him to stay than have make the effort to find some other mug to take him in after 4 weeks....

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but do you know what YOU want? Think about that.

OP This co-dependency thing. It's actually quite normal to be co-dependent on someone in a 30+ yr relationship, you know. That's why when people are widowed they find it so hard. I think Monty Don was 'accused' of being co-dependent on his wife (in an interview) and his response was along the lines of 'too bloody right and that's how I want to be after 30+ years.' (apologies MD if I have mis-quoted or mis-named.)

I've had counselling over the years and would question if your counsellor has made judgements over you growing and your DH being stuck. It's a judgy comment - and if they have never met him they are basing their view on your side only.

Not sure I understand his 'staying every night'- with his GF or with you since he's come back? If you well yes, you've had 30 years so it's bound to feel 'normal'. But that doesn't mean it's right for you both.

I think you were a tad naive to suggest the arrangement of 6-months-no-dating and see how you each felt.

Usually this means one person wants but wants to soften the blow and see if they can manage on their own. The other partner may put their life on hold - or say they will- but there is no guarantee they will follow through with it. He was allowed to have a change of mind, especially when you were the one to reject him.

Quite frankly, you wanted to have your cake and eat it.
You wanted to have time alone and see how you got on, but with him waiting in the wings in case you felt like another shot at it. The fact he abandoned the plan made you panic because it was suddenly out of your control and you were in uncharted waters.

I feel sorry for all 3 of you. His GF must be disappointed though of course she was a bit silly to be so intense so soon. I feel sorry for him because he clearly wants to give it another go with you. And I feel sorry for you because I don't think you want him you just don't like the idea of him being happy without you and you not being in control any more.

You need to be honest and ask why does the future with him look any rosier than it did before. I doubt it does - you just don't want to accept that life has events out of your control.

Sorry but you both sound like inadequate whinyarses. Neither of you can stand being single and neither of you can stand to live without drama.

I know I want a fulfilling equal marriage and family life for my 4 DCs.

I don't know if he and I can deliver that long term. All is good now - but we are in the fuzzy honeymoon period - two weeks back together after separation and before that a v difficult year or so.

But what you want and what the relationship can offer may be too different things.

If you wanted a stable home for the DCs why kick your DH out?

They must be quite old anyway if you are what- 50s?

He's glad to be back, you are glad to see the back of the GF- your nose was well and truly out of joint when he leapt into bed with someone else. I agree he was stupid to get so involved so soon- very stupid- but I can understand why some people do this.

What I don't get is why after 30 years you think it's going to be any different. You've had 30 years - what needs to change?

Sorry pink frocks I was not clear enough in my PP - when we separated - there was absolutely no going back in my mind - he and I were free to do as we pleased. I had taken a very long time to get to that point.

I managed on my own really well - I posted on here daily of my progress - the biggest issue in the marriage - parenting - was a breeze. I was brought up in a single parent family - it did not, and does not, phase me to do this alone. I have loads of F&F who have been v supportive.

Initially the new relationship - whilst at first surprised did not overly concern me - the wobble developed over time - that this represented a real burning bridge and it stirred unexpected feelings - had I thought this through thoroughly? was this really what I wanted? could/should I have tried harder? what were these feelings of hurt about - was it some love still there that could be worked with - or was it just the normal pain of disbanding a relationship - I didn't know - I still am not sure - I told him that - and we agreed to fight/try for any chink of light.

I have no idea if the future will be better - I am hopeful - this is our second chance and our last chance - we both want it to work - but we don't know how it will pan out and how we will feel over time.

We are in our 40's we met at school - children 8-15. I wanted a stable home with strong parenting - he is Disney Dad - this frustrated me and with teens running a-mock I believed I can do it better alone - and I have done.

He needs to man up from the man child and support me in parenting - not undermine me. Don't know if he can pull it off. It is up to him, though, if he wants to be back with his wife and children for the duration he needs to step up and not abdicate, avoid and shirk - and I need to decide where to meet him somewhere along this path - maybe my expectations were too high?

But what you want and what the relationship can offer may be too different things. - spot on - this is my dilemma.

SGB I stayed in a marriage that wasn't working because I thought I could work it out for the best for my family until it became apparent that I couldn't. I didn't stay because I was a 'whinyarse'. I think it is insulting to say that OP can't stand being single or can't live without drama.

Marriages go through hell and back. Maybe OP and her husband care enough to keep trying.

Is this hysterical bonding?

Don't know what hysterical bonding is ? do you mean with the GF? or with me? or both?

10 years ago, my DW and I successfully resolved an 8 year 'difficult' period in our marriage. Too long and complicated to explain the causes and the eventual resolution, but having survived what looked as though it would lead inevitably to separation, we have never been closer or happier than we are now. We are both in our early 60's and have been married for 39 years. Sometimes you need to look over the edge in order to decide whether you really want to jump.

I think it refers to you trying to 'win' him back.

Thank you Wideboy26 it is good to hear that you got it back and got it back even better - I really hope that this will happen to us.

What a wonderful phrase

Sometimes you need to look over the edge in order to decide whether you really want to jump.

Just looked up HB -- this article talks about intense frequent heightened sexual and emotional energy. This is where we are both at right now.

healingaftermyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com/2014/03/14/hysterical-bonding-sex-after-the-affair/

Just found this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1568944-Hysterical-Bonding

You know, I was going to post and say that I get the very very quick online dating thing. Getting dumped is awful on the ego, and I know in the past I have twice richoted to online dating when I really just wanted to be with my ex boyfriend. It wasn't even really an ego boost - just a distraction from the pain of getting over someone. I'm about him moving in with her kids, but I do get the fast moving on, not really moving on at all.

But...

Then I read that you'd agreed no dating for 6 months, and that the split wasn't definitely permanent. So when he's supposed desperate to have you back, he breaks the rules? Well, not that committed, was he?

On that basis, I'd say you're on a hiding to nothing now.

Also, you kind of seem a bit proud that you weren't jealous? End it.
If you loved him, I think you would be jealous.