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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

4 dates and hes making zero effort....do i give up?! (his mums ill, he works alot and been holiday...good enough excuses?!)

52 replies

olympicsbaby · 02/04/2015 08:28

Ok so ive had four dates with a guy in past 4 weeks (3 dates in the first week then 1 date in past 3 week's. On first 3 dates hes seemed v keen and always said hed like to meet again. 4th date was a little awkward but its hard making convo for hours on end in busy bar!) Anyway hes been very quiet lately...no contact 8 days! He was abroad for 7 and then straight back to work. I text him after 8 days saying "hi stranger, are u alive?!" And was all set to forget him but he replied straight away saying busy at work and mum was taken in to hospital yest (which i do believe as i know shes been unwell) and that hes not had time to think about anything else .... I sort of feel that although he has a lot going on he should still have time to contact me if he was still interested...fed up of feeling in limbo....time to move on or give him a bit more time??!

OP posts:

cutekoala · 02/04/2015 08:31

sorry but i'd give up!!

If he can't be bothered early days whats he going to be like in a couple of years.

You can do better than him!!!

Orangeanddemons · 02/04/2015 08:31

I never ever get that 'not had enough time to think about anything else'

How long does a text take? 30 seconds? I'd move on, if I were you

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/04/2015 08:52

Obviously only God almighty knows what's going on on his head, but I think personally it's just a case of he's got other things besides dAting on his mind. Yes I know he could still text but sometimes ypu'rs even too busy or preoccupied to do that.
I think it was a good sign that he text you straight back though.
I wouldn't Write things off yet, op. Cut him some slack. Give it till his few days after his mum is home, Nd then the only thing you can do is ask him outright.

mommyof23kids · 02/04/2015 08:58

He's just not that into you.

Active1 · 02/04/2015 09:13

I'm in same situation....keeps telling me mums not well....busy at work...9 months later still in limbo....he just ignore's me for ages.......I'm struggling to cope....I'm sorry can't offer any advice....don't let him control your life.....

Original poster

olympicsbaby · 02/04/2015 09:21

Gut feeling is forget him but one thing is that he used to log on to match daily but now hasn't been online in over two weeks (assumed he wouldn't on hols) but since back still not on so I guess what hes saying is true, so much going on, but at same time I still think the odd txt could be sent by him even though alot on... Frustrating

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/04/2015 09:22

Seems like everyone is advising aside from me that you give up before this relationship has started.
Never saw myself As a hopeless romAntic but Must be

BannerQueen · 02/04/2015 09:26

Same man OP?? link

ptumbi · 02/04/2015 09:34

active you are struggling to cope? With a bloke who is not that into you, strings you along, can't be bothered? Why? Ditch. Enjoy your own company, get busy, do stuff with friends/family/alone.
So much better!

Bluetonic123 · 02/04/2015 09:36

I wouldn't necessarily write him off. if my mum was ill in hospital I'd certainly not be focusing on someone I'd been on four dates with.

However I'd probably not initiate contact again and keep my options open and see if he came back. If you meet someone else in the meantime then so be it.

MorrisZapp · 02/04/2015 09:38

This is a load of rubbish, sorry. I was you, back in my dating days. Telling myself his fingers must have fallen off etc so he couldn't get to a phone. With hindsight and clarity I can see I was kidding myself. Have you ever been so busy that over the course of a week, you were unable to text a man you were really into? Of course not. Nobody is that busy.

Move on, sorry.

MorrisZapp · 02/04/2015 09:41

Sending a text message is hardly 'focusing' on somebody. Naturally he'll be focusing on his mother, but his fingers still work. He isn't that interested.

TendonQueen · 02/04/2015 09:43

It doesn't sound that promising if you were running out of conversation on the fourth date. At that stage, if you feel the spark, you should be able to go on talking for hours and hours. I would not contact him now and see if he contacts you, but just get on with your life in the meantime.

2rebecca · 02/04/2015 09:46

I think different people get in to relationships at different rates. 4 dates isn't much and he's only just back from a week abroad on work.
He's maybe had other relationships not work out so is a bit wary in initial stages.
To me this sounds more healthy than the blokes who text constantly and then don't turn up to meetings.
Do you have any interests in common so you could do something not just go to a bar? If you like him what's the rush? I think trying to push relationships along too fast just turns them in to an all or nothing situation and makes them fail.
I agree that he probably isn't really in to the OP at the moment but that doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. Online dating seems to mean people don't give relationships a chance to grow properly.

Missqwerty · 02/04/2015 09:53

I think your over thinking things here. When my dad was in hospital it was a very traumatic time for me, I could barely keep family life afloat. Does he seem upset or stressed by his situation? If so maybe support him a bit. It's a difficult situation as if he's in a bad place he won't want to open up automatically to you as he for obvious reasons hasn't formed thar level of intimacy with you.

I remember when I started dating my fiancé, I was going through some rough times with anxiety and I felt that it was way too early to start leaning on him so I pulled away from the relationship and we had a bit of a rocky start.

I personally hate all this worry of is he into me etc. Just be yourself, keep your cool about the relationship and bare in mind people do have their problems.

venusandmars · 02/04/2015 13:03

I'm with missq - when my parents were ill it was all I could do to keep my own life in balance and communicate with family and close friends. I would literally scream when the phone rang - usually in the only 5 minutes I had to eat my lunch. All my free texting time was taken up with updating my siblings, googling health-related sites, apologising to work for going awol, and honestly not a spare few minutes (even at traffic lights) to send a text.

I think the positive is that he responded pretty immediately to your text, so it sounds like he is keen.

However, it does seem as though there is quite a mismatch between you: you've had 4 dates, and you have high expectations of contact and communication even though he has explained about his mum being ill; on the other hand he (after the same number of dates) is presumably expecting that you will understand his preoccupation and lack of contact. Neither of you is right or wrong, but maybe you are quite different....?

Gawjushun · 02/04/2015 13:10

Eh, it's been 4 dates. Would you really be all that devastated to call it a day? Do you feel there's some amazing connection between the two of you? I mean, if this guy was something particularly special then maybe I'd be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. If it's just a casual dating thing, well, there are plenty more men out there.

ladyrosy · 02/04/2015 13:21

I would say give up and agree with mommyof23kids - he's just not that into you.

If he had wanted to contact you during his week abroad, he would have. If it had been you away for a week, you would have spent the 5-50 pence and 2 mins of your time to send one text while you were away. It's not hard to write "Hi! Super busy here. Weather great. Shall we get a drink the Saturday after I get back?".

I sympathise with his mum's illness (if that's even true) but it doesn't excuse the tiny amount of contact over the past 3 weeks. If you like someone, very little will get in the way of you making contact.

Hissy · 02/04/2015 14:40

Gut feeling is forget him but one thing is that he used to log on to match daily but now hasn't been online in over two weeks

or he met someone else either online or on hols...

you are NOT his priority atm, so leave it there, if he wanted to contact you, he would.

GoatsDoRoam · 02/04/2015 15:03

Always listen to your gut.

CheersMedea · 02/04/2015 15:38

When my dad was in hospital it was a very traumatic time for me, I could barely keep family life afloat.

I agree with this. Parents in hospital can be very traumatic. That happened to me before I met my DH. I was in a serious long term relationship (used to speaking to my bf every day or every other day) and went almost two weeks with no contact. I was at the hospital the whole time, supporting my other parent, going home exhausted and traumatised, not sleeping and doing the whole thing over again. I didn't want to speak to anyone at all as everything (other than the life of my parent) seemed utterly trivial. I certainly wouldn't have been remotely bothered about someone I'd met a couple of times.

And for quite a while afterwards I couldn't bear to socialise with anyone because sitting around in a bar drinking chatting about nothing seemed a waste of life.

but at same time I still think the odd txt could be sent by him even though alot on...

I disagree depending on what is happening. As I said, I was in such a state of trauma it was almost two weeks (10 days) before I spoke to my bf.

So OP, I would say:

Don't be over precious and chuck all your toys out the pram (ie. assume he is just not into you).
If you haven't already, send him a "hope your mum is OK" understanding/get in touch when you are free/would be good to see you type message. Something that conveys "I'm understanding of your crisis and open to be contacted in future".
Then forget about it.

In other words, leave the door open but move on mentally.

He may come back when things calm down but if he doesn't you haven't lost anything.

CheersMedea · 02/04/2015 15:39

Gut feeling is forget him but one thing is that he used to log on to match daily but now hasn't been online in over two weeks
or he met someone else either online or on hols

Er... or he's spending all his time either at work or at hospital.

Original poster

olympicsbaby · 02/04/2015 21:03

Thank you all for your comments, gut feeling is move on but don't wanna totally write it off just yet. His mum is def ill but even so...

In answer to the q. Of would u be that upset if ended, no but frustrated because I've been single nearly two years, 20 first dates and hes the first and only guy I've been attracted to and liked!! Just fed up! I know what I want...a partner and another child in the next few years and times not on my side (I'm 33).. I wont rush with wrong guy but 2 years and loads of first dates and I am losing hope of meeting someone!! X

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 02/04/2015 21:48

sorry but agree with all the others, I would move on.

When you have to start sending texts along the lines of "hi stranger, are u alive?!" and you've pretty much only just met...well I wouldn't bother with him no matter what his reasons were. You are making far more effort than he is. Truth is, if you want to make contact with someone you find a way, no matter how briefly or what else is going on in your life.

3 dates in the first week sounds far too intense. 4th date being awkward is not a good sign, it should be the other way around and they get better.

NickiFury · 02/04/2015 22:05

There's not enough there to take it forward. If it was it would be happening. I doubt it's anything personal, he's just not feeling it.

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