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Original poster

4 dates and hes making zero effort....do i give up?! (his mums ill, he works alot and been holiday...good enough excuses?!)

52 replies

olympicsbaby · 02/04/2015 08:28

Ok so ive had four dates with a guy in past 4 weeks (3 dates in the first week then 1 date in past 3 week's. On first 3 dates hes seemed v keen and always said hed like to meet again. 4th date was a little awkward but its hard making convo for hours on end in busy bar!) Anyway hes been very quiet lately...no contact 8 days! He was abroad for 7 and then straight back to work. I text him after 8 days saying "hi stranger, are u alive?!" And was all set to forget him but he replied straight away saying busy at work and mum was taken in to hospital yest (which i do believe as i know shes been unwell) and that hes not had time to think about anything else .... I sort of feel that although he has a lot going on he should still have time to contact me if he was still interested...fed up of feeling in limbo....time to move on or give him a bit more time??!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 02/04/2015 22:14

Text him saying that you know he's got loads on, so you'll bow out and give him the time and space to get on with it. In the mean time, get back out, meet people and enjoy yourself. If you're meant to be together, it'll happen. If you back off now, it doesn't mean you are never allowed to be in contact with him ever again.

MiniTheMinx · 02/04/2015 22:14

I thinks cheers advice is good, be polite, leave door open and save dignity but move on mentally. If his woes are genuine and he really likes you, you will know soon enough. However it's online dating, so be aware that holidays are not always holidays but interludes where men woo other women for three dates in a week (remember the three date rule), and like to try everything that is on offer. The more I read about women's experiences of online dating the more I despair. I am beginning to think that it should be banished, I am quite certain that men are not improved by this cynical business.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2015 22:34

So you're still desperately running after this bloke who not only isn't that fussed but actually has major issues going on in his life?

Why not forget about dating and get yourself a hobby, before you end up being cautioned for stalking?

Justmuddlingalong · 02/04/2015 22:45

I've just read your other thread. Walk away now, keep some dignity and hold out for someone who wants the same sort of relationship as you. He's suiting himself and you are allowing him to do so.

handfulofcottonbuds · 02/04/2015 23:01

Maintain your dignity OP, never send a message saying 'hello stranger' or 'are you still alive', it makes you sound needy.

It doesn't sound like he's into you and that's not a reflection on you but some people just aren't mutually attracted and I get that if you say the 4th date was awkward. It shouldn't be like that.

Keep busy, don't think of him or at least, don't let him know you're thinking of him.

I'm not into game playing at all but I also don't think it's good to chase someone if the last date was awkward.

NickiFury · 02/04/2015 23:05

Grin @ "cautioned for stalking".

honeyroar · 02/04/2015 23:08

I think he may well be tied up with his mum etc, but if he also managed to go on holiday, go back to work etc he really could have sent a text. I would let it go personally.

Original poster
olympicsbaby · 02/04/2015 23:10

Ha solidboldgrass...no need to be so rude! Hardly stalking sending him a text once a week (a txt which he replies to immediately!!) nor am I a stalker when I act genuinely confused after three dates in a week which all end with him saying very enthusiastically he had a great time and HIM asking ME if I want to meet again! I do have hobbies, and am away this weekend pusuing one thank u v much!! Yes I shouldn't have sent the hey stranger, u alive message but that was after 8 days no contact! Hardly stalking just confused and hoping he'd ignore the message or reply saying not interested so I could draw a line, instead he replies immediately leaving me even more confused!! Anyway thanks for all the other helpful non aggressive replies... I'm leaving it up to him, don't expect it to go any further but wouldn't be surprised if in a few days/weeks he contacts me again as that's the pattern! Bored of it all now tbh so drawing a line and looking FWD to a weekend away with friends this weekend ?? have a great Easter everyone

OP posts:
Joyfulleastersquad · 02/04/2015 23:11

Move on.

When I first met DP his granny was very ill, he spent a lot of time with his mum and her but he always text at the end of the night if we had not spoken during the day. Even the night she died he rang.

He's not that in to you but keeping you dangling. I know from bitter experience. Had all sorts, so ill couldn't even pick phone up for a week, so busy working away just feel asleep as soon as got in ect... Funny though that in the first six weeks he was trying to get me to meet his family! Then he just went cold and kept me dangling for months. Arranged dates would be cancelled right at the last min and blamed on the kids ect..

Honestly let him go And don't for the life of you try and work out what you did wrong because it will be nothing. It's him.

Its actually really cruel when people do this

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 02/04/2015 23:11

If someone is interested they'll make an effort, not excuses. I learnt that the hard way myself, in a very similar situation last year. Move on. Trust me - voice of experience speaking here.

Joyfulleastersquad · 02/04/2015 23:14

This reply has been deleted

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MNHQ
TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet · 02/04/2015 23:21

Evening all

MrsGPie01252 · 02/04/2015 23:24

Don't give up on it but don't put too much into it either. Keep your options open. Match is great as most people on it genuinely want a relationship. You'll find your Prince Charming one day honey. Even if you have to kiss a few frogs along the way...

handfulofcottonbuds · 02/04/2015 23:26

Hello Olivia Easter Smile

Joyfulleastersquad · 02/04/2015 23:26

Could accusing some of being a stalker be enough reason to delete a post olivia or is it just certain posters that get away with talking to posters like shite consistently ?

MiniTheMinx · 02/04/2015 23:30

I think SGB has been a bit harsh OP. Is it the same guy though from the other thread? If there is an obvious pattern and he's blowing hot/cold he is a player, you really are best rid of him, you deserve better.

TheChandler · 02/04/2015 23:38

He might not be all that into you, but are you all that into him? Maybe that explains his lack of texting (while abroad, mind). Doesn't really sound like theres much chemistry/maybe he needs more of a cue from you.

Botanicbaby · 02/04/2015 23:51

"Yes I shouldn't have sent the hey stranger, u alive message but that was after 8 days no contact! Hardly stalking just confused and hoping he'd ignore the message or reply saying not interested so I could draw a line, instead he replies immediately leaving me even more confused!!"

Er...no need to be confused. Why wait till he says not interested so you could draw a line? Actions speak louder than words, he doesn't come across as being interested otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to text him. Replying immediately is not a sign of interest.

"Anyway thanks for all the other helpful non aggressive replies... I'm leaving it up to him, don't expect it to go any further but wouldn't be surprised if in a few days/weeks he contacts me again as that's the pattern! "

Why are you leaving it all up to him? You don't expect it to go any further yet you are leaving yourself open to hurt and disappointment again. So what if he will contact you again in a few days or weeks or whenever he chooses, block him, don't let this pattern of behaviour of his dictate how you should lead your life.

Nanny0gg · 03/04/2015 12:17

I think you knew what to do from your other thread...

Give it up. On your terms, not his.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 12:24

OP, are you saying you haven't seen him since you slept with him?

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 12:25

I feel for you, going on all those first dates and nothing coming of them. I wonder what's happening there? Are you meeting people who just aren't right for you? Who aren't as they appear to be on screen? Do you have much in common with them when you finally do meet?

Hissy · 03/04/2015 13:10

Many bloke on OLD just want a one night stand, or quick fumble, so that's why there are lots of first dates.

Getting a second date is harder than getting a first in mny ways.

This bloke isnt interested op, please don't leave things open? Delete his numbers and leave it there.

If he were worried about losing you, you'd know.

I know it's shit, it hurts etc, but move on and demand better than this.

Hissy · 03/04/2015 13:12

Have a look at how you are portraying yourself online, maybe you're pitching yourself wrongly.

Original poster
olympicsbaby · 03/04/2015 16:02

Yesb that's correct unfortunately..slept together 2 weeks ago, he went on hol two days later, got back Tuesday and todays Fri.

All the others I genuinely wasn't attracted to ..i genuinely knew with all the others that I felt no physical attraction at all, or other reasons I didn't want second date, most dud want a second date so I guess I'm coming across as fine on dates, just not meeting people I click with..om not being picky and I know personality is more important but if there's no physical attraction at all then it wont work. My profile lists my hobbies, says a bit bout me and says looking to date with view to relationship with right person. I've had friends check that its ok!
Have deleted n blocked him ??

OP posts:
Hissy · 03/04/2015 22:02

Problem isn't you by the looks of it. Maybe you are being picky, maybe the profile needs reworking to appeal to the kind of guy you would like.

I can't tell you what that's likely to be, but maybe worth looking at the kinds of profiles you like to read and see how they are phrased?

Don't lose heart! Smile