Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Left on own for 2 hours and he is angry with me

95 replies

gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 10:01

A week last last Saturday I had arranged to meet a male friend at ten pm. As he is fairly unreliable I asked him to text if he would be late and was told to "stop whinging"
I was with friends earlier and left them to meet him and when he did not show up I rang and heard nothing.
Eventually he text and said 11 pm sorry
11.30 came and I ordered a taxi and when I was early gone he rang so I got the taxi to take me back.
He was drunk and dismissive of me waiting on my own.
I then bought drinks and we went downstairs to another bar . He went to the loo after 10 mins and did not return.
The doorman told me he got in a taxi.
I was furious and he would not return my calls so I sent angry text telling him he was a selfish entitled wanker and "fuck you"
Also that I had never been treated like that by anyone before.
I was expecting an apology the next day but he did not ring me . He ignored my messages for days and I eventuakky rang using a different number and he answered
He shouted at me for calling him a wanker and telling him to fuck off and then he hung up on me.

I don't think I've done anything wrong and can't believe he is treating me like this.
He has now cut all contact and im a bit gutted .

He has form for being selfish and cutting out people who disagree with him.
He is 66 , stills takes cocaine, stays up on all night benders sometimes . We do get on however as he is a good laugh .
He is unreliable though and often doesn't return texts. If I don't answer his immediately ,he texts again wanting to know why I haven't answered.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 01/04/2015 13:13

OP - So basically you are choosing hobbies ect and nice holiday's over your children's mental welfare for years to come. I've changed my mind, you deserve your DH and Ronnie Wood. Its you children I feel sorry for.

Phalenopsis · 01/04/2015 13:15

Your children need to see happy adults in happy relationships rather than go on expensive holidays, OP. Really.

BafanaThesober · 01/04/2015 13:15

What are you looking for by posting?
Advice? Support? Validation?

I would suggest counselling to understand why your boundaries when it comes to the way people treat you, are so seriously off kilter with what is normal.

DrMorbius · 01/04/2015 13:18

PS/ OP - you may want to point your children towards the "But we took you to Stately Homes" thread for support in their later life.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/04/2015 13:21

Your poor kids. Growing up in a home with parents who dont give a shit about one another. A philandering father as a male role model. A mother who accepts a shit life in return for money and holidays and puts herself in the company of random old coke heads just to escape home.

Your poor kids.

Original poster
gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 13:24

Our holiday is actually camping for 2 weeks! I think that's a nice holiday, it is not exactly exotic.

OP posts:
BafanaThesober · 01/04/2015 13:24

So leave then!!!

BafanaThesober · 01/04/2015 13:25

2 weeks on your own in your own house, without an egotistical skirt chasing twat of a husband - seriously much better for you!!!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/04/2015 13:27

So you are staying miserable for a fortnights camping a year?

What would you tell your DD if she wrote the OP about her life?

MagentaOeuflon · 01/04/2015 13:39

How can being separated mean you can't go camping? You can even still go camping together if it matters to the kids, many exes do things like that.

Original poster
gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 13:40

I'm actually trying to do my best for the children as I want stability for them and yes be able to pay for school trips and hobbies.
I don't want to tell my little 8 year old that there are no more violin lessons or dancing at the weekend and no more cubs. I want to be able to keep paying for a weekly science tutor for my son in his GCSE year.
I want One holiday with them.
All the negative responses seem to make out that I'm staying for pots of money like a footballers wife. I don't have any expensive hobbies.

OP posts:
Original poster
gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 13:44

And we do give a shit about each other. Think ive been-hacked. We are at home considerate to each other and definately don't live in an atmosphere. I'm an expert at acting normal and being happy whatever folk may think. I think some of the comments are very harsh just because I want to keep my family together

OP posts:
MagentaOeuflon · 01/04/2015 13:46

But why can't you continue to afford these things, or at least some of them? Is it because your H will have to find separate accommodation? Could you both move to smaller places?

hereandtherex · 01/04/2015 13:51

The original post was about her coke snorting OAP friend. She should stop seeing him and get her social life sorted.

If the OP is happy with her home setup then you should let her be. Its not my idea of a good setup but its not my shout.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/04/2015 13:51

Your DH does not give a shit about you OP, I stand by that comment. Men who care about their wives do not cheat on them.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/04/2015 13:52

Oh OP. I'm sitting on my hands almost so as not to go all internet psychiatrist on your ass.

Let's just say, you have an emotionally unavailable husband.
Now you have an emotionally unavailable 'friend', who's only good quality is he makes you feel like you've joined the 'cool kids'.

You are so far in denial you don't know what way is up anymore... How would you feel about your DD running around with a boozy coke head 20 years her senior?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 01/04/2015 13:53

But the OP is not happy about her home life. She meets this man for escapism. From her home life.

DrMorbius · 01/04/2015 13:54

OP - you seem to miss the point (may be deliberately), you are saying "I don't want to tell my little 8 year old that there are no more violin lessons or dancing at the weekend "

Lots of posters including first hand accounts are saying you are damaging your children staying together. Violin and dancing lessons may all count for nothing to a damaged child

What did you actually, truthfully expect when you sat down and instigated this post?
So you went out and met a k**b. IMHO on a scale of problems in your life, this part is sooo insignificant its not worth time thinking about.

mummymeister · 01/04/2015 13:54

gubbygubby no you are not an expert at acting normally. no. you. are. not. Your kids have picked up on this. they know what is going on. your family is you and your kids. it doesn't have to be 2 parents and the kids. if keeping your family together and sane is your primary concern then sort yourself out. my mum wanted "stability" but what she gave me was a miserable bloody childhood always thinking if tomorrow or next week was the day they would split up. why cant you have one holiday with them and be a single parent? why does splitting up mean the end of all and every club or tutor. no wonder your 3 kids are "difficult". take a look at the parents!!!

Considerate??? seriously do you think this is a normal marriage? Love? affection? having fun together? that's a normal marriage.

No one is being harsh to you. they are just telling it to you like it is but clearly you have no intention of listening. so I will just wait for your next post in a years time or whenever when the kids will have become more "difficult", exams will have been failed/they will have dropped out, your DH will be sleeping around and your self esteem will have fallen further. seriously, just don't post if you have no intention of listening to and taking advice.

I will also keep a look out for your kids posting the kind of stuff I have about my childhood when they are older. they will not thank you for staying. You need a lightbulb moment. sadly, I don't see it coming anytime soon. perhaps you are just one of those who needs to have the word "victim" tattooed on their heads and be done with it.

MrNoseybonk · 01/04/2015 13:59

Mr Ronnie Wood behaves like a total arse because people like you allow him to.
Urg, can't stand people like him.

UncertainSmile · 01/04/2015 14:19

You need to seriously work on your self-esteem and boundaries.

Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2015 14:35

We had nice holidays, I even had ponies and a private education.
Also had a pretty fucked up childhood with parents who didn't much like each other!!!!!!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 14:36

"I can't face leaving because I will be left on my own with 2 difficult teens and the youngest nearly 9 is also demanding. We could not afford the hobbies ect and nice holiday every year if we separated.
I get that my DD has picked up . She does frequently ask me "what wrong "and "are you ok. "
My self esteem prob isn't the best. I've ways just put a brave face on.
He is a very good dad despite his peccadilloes".

Oh will you stop being so bloody wet!!. You are both showing your children an appalling example of a marriage, one which one or even all of your children will go onto replicate themselves.

Your self esteem is through the floor primarily because he has and continues to be unfaithful.

NO, he is not a good dad if he treats you like this. You are treated with contempt and your children have simply picked up on all the unhappiness at home.

Staying for a lifestyle or for the childrens sake never ever works out well because they as adults will despise you for putting him still before them, that is effectively what you have done here to date.

You wonder why your children are difficult; well teens can be difficult at times but their additional problem is that their homelife with you two as their parents is frankly dire. They know far more than you care to realise and your DD is very perceptive, they all know you are unhappy and probably wonder why on earth you did not leave your philanderer of a husband years ago. Face it, you have stayed for your own selfish reasons and maintenance of a lifestyle you wish to maintain. I feel the most sorry for your children in all this because both of you as parents are failing them and putting your own selves first.

One day your children will leave home and they will likely leave asap because of what is happening at home too. Is this really the legacy you want to be leaving them?.

pocketsaviour · 01/04/2015 14:37

If you stay with your husband then you're accepting that he's never going to be monogamous. It sounds like you would prefer him to be monogamous - and that is the default set up, you even promise to "forsake all others" during the vows.

I'm guessing he never came to you and said "Hey you know what, I can't be monogamous, it doesn't work for me. Is it okay if we both bang other people from time to time?" So he's not been honest with you, causing you to run around looking for evidence, and then do nothing about it.

Controversial suggestion follows

He will never be faithful. So if you don't want to leave, you need to make peace with that, and for me that would mean equally you don't have to be faithful either. First thing on the table for me would be agreeing the terms of this, i.e. commitment to safe sex; do you want to know when each other are going to meet someone or prefer Don't Ask Don't Tell; primary relationship is prioritised for time and evenings out must be planned in advance; etc etc anything else you want to lay out.

The advantage for you is that it's FAR easier for women to get hook-ups than men, so if you do go down this road it can be a real ego-booster for you.

If you don't like the thought of that but still don't want to leave, I guess you could ask the GP for a massive Valium prescription to get you through the next 10 years. Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2015 14:37

Also women in crap relationships often write the "good dad" comment simply because they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. As is the case yet again here.