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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Left on own for 2 hours and he is angry with me

95 replies

gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 10:01

A week last last Saturday I had arranged to meet a male friend at ten pm. As he is fairly unreliable I asked him to text if he would be late and was told to "stop whinging"
I was with friends earlier and left them to meet him and when he did not show up I rang and heard nothing.
Eventually he text and said 11 pm sorry
11.30 came and I ordered a taxi and when I was early gone he rang so I got the taxi to take me back.
He was drunk and dismissive of me waiting on my own.
I then bought drinks and we went downstairs to another bar . He went to the loo after 10 mins and did not return.
The doorman told me he got in a taxi.
I was furious and he would not return my calls so I sent angry text telling him he was a selfish entitled wanker and "fuck you"
Also that I had never been treated like that by anyone before.
I was expecting an apology the next day but he did not ring me . He ignored my messages for days and I eventuakky rang using a different number and he answered
He shouted at me for calling him a wanker and telling him to fuck off and then he hung up on me.

I don't think I've done anything wrong and can't believe he is treating me like this.
He has now cut all contact and im a bit gutted .

He has form for being selfish and cutting out people who disagree with him.
He is 66 , stills takes cocaine, stays up on all night benders sometimes . We do get on however as he is a good laugh .
He is unreliable though and often doesn't return texts. If I don't answer his immediately ,he texts again wanting to know why I haven't answered.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 01/04/2015 11:06

"It's not like me to take behaviour like this."

Well that's not true is it? You're taking far worse from your H.

hereandtherex · 01/04/2015 11:07

Is it Ronnie Wood?

championnibbler · 01/04/2015 11:09

hereandtherex LOL!!!

DrMorbius · 01/04/2015 11:10

That's very sad gubbygubby, sorry to hear about your situation. Of course it will be hard, but you need to create a new life for yourself. Letting only people in that demonstrate to you the respect you deserve.

Lots of other people will be able to post great advice of how to go about this change.

LadyBlaBlah · 01/04/2015 11:15

Why do you feel you can't leave your cheating husband?
Presuming you live in the UK, there are no laws forbidding you to leave, so what's going on?

LadyBlaBlah · 01/04/2015 11:16

(There are laws against adultery in marriage though. It breaks the contract)

Original poster
gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 11:16

Not Ronnie Wood! But that type of person Deffo! Has been surrounded by " yes" people for years.I never usually pander to him and he liked that about me. But as ive got to know him better his mask has slipped . I think he would be abusive as a partner actually. My husband doesn't object to be going out because if his own behaviour.
I only take it Nikki as I have to put the children first.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 01/04/2015 11:19

Do you have feelings for him?

LIZS · 01/04/2015 11:22

But if you go out with friends anyway you really don't need this on? Can you join some sort of hobby/social group to develop a more positive lifestyle.

MagentaOeuflon · 01/04/2015 11:31

he rang so I got the taxi to take me back.

Erm what? The guy stood you up, was abusive to you and kept you waiting - then when he snapped his fingers you went running back? No no no! I'm sorry, this man is a horrible twat, and treating you like shit, but please don't be the type of person who will give him his kicks.

A week last last Saturday I had arranged to meet a male friend at ten pm. As he is fairly unreliable I asked him to text if he would be late and was told to "stop whinging"

See THIS is the point where you need to say "Oh fuck this" and ditch, block and don't bother with him. He's looking for people (i.e. let me guess, women) to push around and string along and punish. If you show him you'll put up with step 1 of the process and keep coming back for more, it just gets worse, as you've seen.

This isn't how an actual friend behaves - you deserve so much better. Oh and look into the practicalities of leaving your H too.

Original poster
gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 11:36

I can't leave because I don't want to disrupt my kids lives . In other ways DH is great. People always think I'm lucky to have him as he's a great dad, always did his fair share of the childcare .littke do they know what really goes on...
He does as much as me round the house. I am willing to stay till kids are older. Why should they suffer ?
Oldest is in GCSE year , year ten DD very anxious, I can't do it. If ikick him out I will be worse off financially and left with 4 demanding Kids. I will be the one to suffer. I work full time also.
I m not gutted this time I found out. I was expecting it.
Last time we went to relate but there is no point.
I to my husband I would stay but didn't know if I loved him anymore and he could crack on. I can't do an more surveillance and checking. It's soul destroying

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2015 11:40

There are other choices than never go out or go out with an arsehole.
If you really dont want to leave your husband then don't ( although from your posts I think you should) but either way you don't need another selfish dickhead in your life.

hereandtherex · 01/04/2015 11:44

So you have a skirt chasing hubby + 4kids.

You are (I guess) in your 40s/50s.

You have a 66 yo coke snorting male 'friend'.

You really know how to pick male company!

Seriously, re: snorty OAP - that sounds like the behaviour you only put up with if you were a highly paid PA to some knobhead over aged rock star.

I don't I'd choose to solcialise with a 20 years older dickhead. Get some better company FFS.

GoatsDoRoam · 01/04/2015 11:45

Your children's lives are being disrupted, permanently, by growing up in an environment where bad treatment between spouses is normalised.

This will fuck up their own adult relationships.

Your escapism with selfish dickheads in order to tolerate your bad marriage is helping no-one. Least of all your children.

Lweji · 01/04/2015 11:55

You definitely need to ditch the so called friend. Do you see a pattern with your OH?

As for your OH, have you considered why your DD is anxious? Could she be picking up on the bad aspects of your relationship?

Clutterbugsmum · 01/04/2015 12:21

You need to find some self respect, and show you DD how women behave and allow them self to be treated by men.

YOU allow your H to treat you like a noboby.
YOU think having a 'male friend' who treats you like a nobody and has no respect for you.

Original poster
gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 12:39

I've tried to keep everything away from DCs. Don't argue in front of them.
In fact we don't get the chance to even discuss what happened with DH as kids always around.
DD did overhear once DH saying " ive not been in contact with that woman again"
I had to tell DD it was about DH sister .
Next time it happened ( only 2 months later) I didn't mentionit at all until all kids were asleep.
Oh actually asked me in Monday morning if he'd done anything wrong? Apart from the obvious . Apparently I'm giving him the impression he's done something.!

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 01/04/2015 12:46

Gubby, they know enough. Children are small, not stupid. Your DD heard something and asked you. You lied to her. She is an anxious child. They are being affected by the dynamics in your marriage: by the absence of consideration and trust in your relationship.

They are suffering by the fact that you are staying in this bad marriage. It is a suffering that will last them a lifetime.

Don't say you are staying for them. Staying is not good for them.
You are staying because you are not yet ready to face leaving, more likely. Preferring escapist nights out with a different flavour of dickhead than the one you're married to.

That really is not an effective solution.

Tackle the real issue head-on: your marriage.

mummymeister · 01/04/2015 12:50

gubbygubby speaking as one of those children whose mother "put them first" and stayed in a horrible marriage let me tell you the truth. you are not putting them first by staying put. do you think your kids are unaware that your husband is a chaser and that you are so unhappy you are seeking the friendship of someone who is quite frankly a waste of space? of course they aren't. my parents thought they had kept it quiet. tbh when my mother eventually kicked him out I sat in the toilet and cried with the sheer relief of it all. it was like a huge cloud lifting. don't kid yourself that they don't know and don't kid yourself that you are staying for their sake. leaving for their sake and for your own would be a far better and happier option. your self esteem is clearly on the floor if running around after a drug addled unpleasant pensioner is your idea of a good night out. Sit down and re-read what you have written. you will see. action needs to be taken and you need to do it sooner rather than later.

of course your DD is anxious. she has picked up on things. I know how she feels. its crap.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 12:57

op, do you have any boundaries at all ?

Phalenopsis · 01/04/2015 13:00

I'm the product of an unhappy marriage although my father never cheated on my mother (as far as I know). I can tell you for certain that your children know a hell of a lot more than you think they do. I was an anxious daughter because I knew that things weren't right between my parents.

My boundaries concerning relationships were skewed for years as a result so please don't delude yourself on that one.

As for 'Ronnie Wood' - ugh! What a shit. He's a sign you really need to sort yourself out (single counselling) and end your marriage.

Original poster
gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 13:03

I can't face leaving because I will be left on my own with 2 difficult teens and the youngest nearly 9 is also demanding. We could not afford the hobbies ect and nice holiday every year if we separated.
I get that my DD has picked up . She does frequently ask me "what wrong "and "are you ok. "
My self esteem prob isn't the best. I've ways just put a brave face on.
He is a very good dad despite his peccadilloes .

OP posts:
Original poster
gubbygubby · 01/04/2015 13:07

Any Fucker
You trod me 4 years ago to leave! I found a hidden mobile phone and he threw it on the Railway line. Do you remember? He got back in touch with the same woman 4 years to the day when he was moved back to that office.he told me he finds her attractive. Er thanks.... I'm really not a sad downtrodden loser! I run my own business and work and am actually trying to be cheerful in the face of all this. Tiz hard

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2015 13:10

I'm sorry but I think I just lost all sympathy at " we couid not afford a nice holiday every year if we separated"
That is a seriously fucked up set of priorities there.
He is not a good Dad, good dads don't shag other people but if you've decided that you wish to stay married to this unfaithful dickhead and hang around with ageing coke addicts for light relief I don't think there is anything else to be said apart from Good luck

BafanaThesober · 01/04/2015 13:12

Have read this with growing aghast!
But your message of 13.03 really sums it up.
If having nice holidays and hobbies is better than a happy relationship, well then, lie in the bed you have made for yourself.

Otherwise, grow a pair, make some difficult decisions and separate. Your children will thank you.

Bloody hell - to stay because you have "difficult children" what message does that send them.