I am so ashamed of how jealous I feel of my sister

[Solonthelawgiver]

My parents had two children, myself and my sister. We grew up in the south east, but not in London. Growing up, I was the family scapegoat while my sister was the golden child. This began patterns of behaviour that are still in play.

I left home as soon as I could. DM was abusive in every sense of that word, and living with her was like a prison sentence. I literally used to cross off the days until I could get out to university. My sister, by contrast, hasn't left home. My parents do everything for her. She is now in her mid 30s. They make her breakfast, do her washing, do her shopping, tidy up after her, etc etc etc. She has a decently paid job (nearly £40k), and her boyfriend of ten years earns even more - so while they are not rich by Mumsnet standards (!), they are, statistically speaking, high earners.

The family story is that DS can't move out because of MH issues - and she definitely does suffer from depression/anxiety. I don't want to sound like i'm diminishing the significance of this as something that holds her back, but her issues are not so big that they prevent her from being functional at work or socially. I do recognise that she is at home partly because of the pressures of being a golden child. But she is also exploiting the situation for all it is worth from a pragmatic point of view. She and her partner are saving almost all their income, and they are amassing a fortune (and I am talking hundreds and hundreds of thousands of pounds) so that they can move out to a dream house in a dream area.

I live a long way away from my folks. I made the decision that I couldn't get onto the housing ladder where my sister wants to buy, and moved somewhere much cheaper. My parents will not travel to visit, though they are able to do so - my mum is a bit anxious about travelling, but not excruciatingly so. It feels like they just don't want to make the effort, while they bend over backwards for my sister. In the last five years, they have been up to see me twice.

I've not be working recently due to health issues, and a confined and isolated life, and a serious of medical cockups over five years resulting in fertility issues that mean I can't have children. So I've developed serious depression on top to the point that functioning normally is a challenge. Fortunately, I am amazingly lucky compared to many in my situation: DH has a well-paid job and has been so supportive, allowing me to focus on getting better rather than dealing with the nightmare that is the benefits system. Before this happened, I had a decent job (the only decent job I've ever had, actually), and was doing OK, but now everything is in turmoil and I really have to build my life from scratch and find a new direction and purpose, without the prospect of creating my own family. I am 37 and I am terrified of this challenge. The rounds of treatment I've undergone have left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted, and I just don't feel I have anything left to give. I could use some support right now, but absolutely nothing practical is forthcoming. My Mum acts like she's making a huge sacrifice in talking to me on the phone occasionally, and seems to think that she has already gone beyond the call of all duty. (Actually, I spent more time on these calls supporting her as she deals with my grandmother!)

I think my DS is on the brink of moving out for the first time ever. I should feel glad for her. I should be happy to see her spread her wings and fly like a fledged adult. But I feel jealous and sad. I honestly don't think it's the money, and I have sat down and really considered whether this is just envy, but I don't think it is. It's more that I feel like my parents have handed her the ability to live in the absolutely ideal location of my dreams, and that I am just exiled hundreds of miles away, struggling along to be independent, without any support or love from the family. They don't even seem to recognise or acknowledge that they do treat the two of us so differently.

I know I need to get past this, hitch on a smile and try to feel glad, but I can't. I just feel... bereft. It's like the situation is just screaming everything that is wrong with the family dynamic, and I am finding it hard to stay positive. The fact that it's come at a time when I'm dealing with my own inability to have a very different family of my own just makes it a hundred times worse. I'm hoping people will give me a good talking to about this so that I can buck up my ideas.

No, im not going to give you a talking to. You are already geographically removed, which is an advantage from what you say of your family. I think now that you are at crisis point and reconsidering your next steps you need to think about moving on mentally. I think given the abusive background you would need counselling to do this. You need to detach, it sounds like you get nothing from the relationship with your mother or your sister. Time to let it go and work on your own physical and mental health perhaps?

I kind of know how you feel, but not the same extreme. Dbro is the golden child. Despite being 4 years older he lived at home longer and when he did move out, mum still cooked his meals (he would go for dinner each night after work for dinner and she would give him his lunch for work the following day), cleaned his house and did all his washing and ironing.

He never does anything wrong, despite actually doing loads if awful stuff etc.

I do have a good relationship with him though. I actually view it as my dm has geld him back. Even now, with a wife and 2 kids, they can not do anything without mums help. Dbros wife needed a doctors appointment (which is close by) so asked mum to baby sit while he took her. He doesn't even think that his wife could go alone and him babysit or take the kids with them. Every decision, mum is part of.

I wouldn't want to live like that. I value my independence, very much. I love that me and dh stand on out own 2 feet.

The difference between me and you is I have found as I have got older, I have a relationship with my parents based on respect. An adult relationship. Mum and dad are getting older and getting frustrated by the situation with dbro. Mum even said the other day that he only calls when he wants something. The first negative comment I have heard in 30 years. But its entirely of her own making. Its only because they are getting to old to run up and down after them its becoming an issue.

I wouldn't swap places with dbro for anything, even though financially mum and dad have helped him out loads. He wouldn't have a house if mum hadn't viewed them, sorted solicitors, paid the deposit, helped apply for the mortgage etc.

For you I would ask, have you ever had counselling? I think your issues are far more deep seated than mine were and its going to take more than an epiphany. Do you feel you parents have made your sisters problems worse? Is it better for you overall to be away, for you mental wellbeing?

Sorry I am not more help, I just wanted you to know that I sympathise and found my way out of the resentment. In my teens and early twenties, it really upset me.

I am not going to give you a talking to either, more like instead. What you describe is typical of a dysfunctional family with narcissism at its core.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your assigned role was and is the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Your sister is the golden child, itself a role not without price but your sister is not aware of that particular price to be paid. Unbelievably as it may seem therefore you are in a far better position than your golden child sister.

You have physically detached from your rotten at its core family of origin; now you need to work further on emotionally detaching yourself from all of them. You do not need these people in your life and they bring nothing positive at all to it anyway. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would suggest you find a qualified therapist to work with and preferably one who has experience of the workings of narcissistic families. You certainly need to find a therapist that has no bias about keeping families together. I would also suggest you post on the "we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and read the website entitled "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers".

In my head, the idea that I'm better off having taken the independent route makes sense. But it just doesn't feel true, particularly as I've been reduced to a kind of ground zero. Everything has been taken away - I have DH, and that's about it, in my life. I feel like I'm viewing the world with a kind of existential clarity that only comes when you are stripped bare. I have no professional identity, no achievements, no income, no family. It is a very isolating feeling. If life were going fine, I do believe I would feel very differently.

I am very close to the top of the waiting list for counselling, so I will be starting soon. I did have a load in my early 20s, which helped me to feel much happier - it's the fact that I know I'm going to have to go see my sister in her amazing new house, in a lovely area, with the prospect of having her own family - and deal with it with a smile, and try to feel pleased for her. I just don't feel able to do that, but I don't want to be bitter and jealous either.

I know how I feel is wrong, I know it makes me a bad and evil person, but I can't get past it.

Counselling will help you disentangle some of your beliefs from actual facts.

I have no professional identity, no achievements, no income, no family.

This won't be true - that's definitely the depression talking. From your posts you are clearly intelligent, thoughtful and have achieved an independent life.

Counselling will definitely help. I don't think how you feel is wrong, allow yourself the bitter thoughts but don't get too bogged down in them. You will get through this.

I don't think the future is rosy for your sis. She chose a man who was happy to live seperately and perhaps have minimal commitment. She is used to being waited on and has a really enmeshed rel with parents. Shifting to living together could be tough.

I get your life is difficult at the mo. Focus on rebuilding this and grieving for the lost idea of carrying your own child. Forget the sister

You can't assume her life is happy and rosy or will be forever. She may give the impression it is, but we often don't know what people really feel like. From the outside she seems like she has so much and you don't. But its not always as simple as that.

You seem lovely and have a wonderful dh. As you go through counselling you will find yourself focusing more on what you do have and realising it, then what you sis has or doesn't have will not matter so much.

Oh OP, I could have written parts of your post myself! It is hard and very hurtful.

I don't think this is about the material - it's not about 'not comparing yourself to others' or anything like that, because the material gains that your sister is enjoying are coming from your parents. She wouldn't be able to amass the wealth without them paying for everything on her behalf. So it's about the fact that there is all this care and nurturing for her within the family, and none for you. The fact that she is being helped to your ideal lifestyle, while you are left to struggle by yourself, is not easy.

Can you raise this in any way with your parents and see what they say, or would that simply not be a possibility? As the scapegoat child, there are often prohibitions on 'speaking out', but it might help you.

Yup, and sympathy from me too. Been there so many times, though perhaps not quite so extreme.

I deal with it just by looking around and thinking that everything I have got I have damn well earned. Your dsis can't ever say that. You are enormously stronger and more capable than she is. I hope one day it will pay off for you (and for the rest of us as well).

Definitely keep withdrawing from your family, they will never do you much good. Certainly stop supporting them, you owe them nothing after this treatment. Keep on building your own life. Perhaps consider adoption? It is hard when you know other people are further up the ladder while you are pushed down, when none of it is merited, but that, sadly, is the way things go, especially in abusive circumstances. Good luck for the future.

You said, "DM was abusive in every sense of that word, and living with her was like a prison sentence. I literally used to cross off the days until I could get out to university. My sister, by contrast, hasn't left home."

My first thought was, "You lucky, lucky woman to have escaped from your mum."

I can understand your sister has benefited financially. Are you saying your mum wasn't abusive to your sister? What form did the abuse take?

Putting physical distance between yourself and your family was a smart thing to do. I can never fathom how some parents can treat DCs so differently.

If your DSis has depression and anxiety issues her life can't be entirely perfect. Being a golden child has its own pressures. Materially she may have advantages but she may envy you your strength in moving away and finding happiness with DH. Who knows what her DP is like and how she will cope when she's no longer babied under your parents' roof. Do you really feel you have to jump to go and visit her in her new home? I would pick your moment. Your parents have no qualms about extreme gaps between visiting you. Be gracious, send flowers and defer visiting until you feel up to it.

At present your DM is to some extent caring for your grandmother. I wonder if she ever looks ahead who does she think will care for her in later years?

It sounds as if your DM is happy to unburden herself to you but begrudges you doing this to her. I wonder whether DSis has had years of hearing the same and is expected to always listen and be sympathetic? At least you could ring off at the end of the monologue and know peace until the next time.

You have a lot of hurdles to get over and the family situation is so hurtful but rather than dwelling on DSis's apparent blessings perhaps consider briefly her limitations. You are nobody's fool and have a strong marriage, I hope counselling will help

My mother was extremely controlling. We were not wealthy and I went to a normal comprehensive. I had to work from 6.30 am to 11 pm solidly on academic work. I was told that I would fail if I didn't, and that I only had one chance to get on in life - to the point that I was utterly terrified. Books became a refuge for me. I could concentrate so hard that I would hear literally nothing that was going on around me.

She used to berate me constantly, and tell me that nothing I did was good enough, that I was stupid and would never succeed. No amount of great results (and I got the top results in the country) ever convinced me that she was wrong. I grew up knowing I was going to be a failure, no matter how hard I tried not to be.

I wasn't allowed out of the house, even after the age of 18, after 9 pm. I wasn't allowed to shop. I had to present accounts every week to show how I had spent every penny (and I mean every penny) of the money I had been given for lunch and for necessities like school uniform.

She had uncontrollable rages. I was smacked up until the age of 18 (yes, you read that right) and when that stopped working, she would beat me with her fists or anything that was lying around at the time.

She had real problems with my developing sexuality. If I had a boyfriend, she would tell me that it was disgusting, revolting. She would make prurient enquiries about what we 'got up to' that made me really uncomfortable. (Things like 'Did he touch your breasts' etc - very intrusive).

She was also very controlling about my eating- used to ration my food even though I was always technically underweight. The school even told her that I needed more calories, but she didn't change. I later developed anorexia, and I am sure that her constant comments about my weight contributed.

I used to get very anxious in the night and I would need the toilet. When I got up, she would come into the bathroom (there was no lock) and yell at me for disturbing her. It was very degrading. When I was 14, I got angry and shouted at her that I needed the bathroom because I had a period. She insisted that I lay on the floor and held me down and then tried to force a tampon inside me. It broke my hymen and I was in a lot of pain. After that, I tried to wee in the plastic bin in my room instead. When she found out about this, I was locked in my room for three days.

My sister is three years younger, but was treated utterly differently. She was allowed out all hours, she was given a TV in her room and a stereo (I had neither). I was forced to do all kinds of activities, especially sport, whereas she was never forced to do anything she didn't want to do. My mother always said that my sister was like her, and I was like my MIL (who was a hate figure in the house - she was a Nazi in her views). I think my sister blames me for the bad feeling that was in the house when we grew up. I don't think she saw much of the more extreme behaviour. I doubt my Dad did either.

I have never told this to people before.

Of course you are feeling jealous. You are hurting from having survived abuse and wondering why your sister has been treated differently. You are hurting and you need to grieve for what you haven't had.

I'm so sorry to hear of all you lived through. It shouldn't have happened. It must hurt terribly to see your sister being treated differently. I am also a scapegoat (DB was the golden child) and one thing that helped me was googling dysfunctional family archetypes and reading about the roles of scapegoat, golden child etc, as I started to see that my family had followed this toxic script and it wasn't something to do with me.

I'm really sorry you have been so alone in all this. There are some good links and book suggestions in the Stately Homes thread.

I never really connected my present feelings back to the abuse. I realise how stupid that sounds. But I didn't until your post, Peppermint.

I need to talk to a counsellor about this.

I realise this is another irrational/stupid/idiotic question but: with the tampon incident. Was that sexual abuse? I don't know if it was. I don't want to go around lying to people. I don't want to say I suffered sexual abuse if I didn't. And I don't want to misspeak and say it was violent abuse if it was sexual. I feel anxious that I don't know how to describe it.

Don't envy your sister, she is to be pitied really, as she exists only as a "thing" for your mother to control.

You have exerted free will, but this IS hard, particularly for the scapegoat child as you have been punished for existing by your mother and so believe you should be punished. This is not correct but is the emotional consequence of how your mother treated you. You will need time to work through and come to terms with your mother as the deeply flawed human being she is and to recognise your sister as a victim who hasn't got away from her abuser.

You also need to be kind to yourself and recognise that nothing you did was wrong - it was all your mother's making.

It's not an irrational, stupid or idiotic question. You aren't stupid - I feel sad that you saying these things about yourself. Whose voice is it? Yours - or your mum's?

I don't think violence and sexual abuse are mutually exclusive. Nor do I think it is possible for you to misspeak about your own experiences when it is your opinion that matters. You aren't lying if you describe things as they feel to you.

I actually had a similar experience to you and I have come to the conclusion that if someone tries to force something in there then yes, it is a sexual assault, and that is also by definition violent. But of course my opinion doesn't matter nearly as much as yours. You have the right to define your own experience.

My sister's situation is very different from mine. Our childhoods, though they overlapped so much, were completely different. My mother even used to have a different tone of voice to speak to my sister when we were small.

She and my mother have an odd codepedent relationship. My sister manages my mother, and gets everything that she can out of her. (It has always been like this). In a lot of ways, she exploits my mum and needs her at the same time. And my mum is willing to be exploited in order to be needed.

As I said before, I think my sister has gained enough from it all that she is able to move out. I should be glad that she is spreading her wings and living her own life. But the whole dynamic will be reconfigured, and she will not 'need' my mum to the same extent. I guess I have fears about what that does to my role.

Peppermint - you had a similar experience? Really?

I have always felt so ashamed of that moment and have never told anyone, not even my counsellor. It seemed to weird, and that weirdness seemed like it was in some way my fault.

It is such a relief to know that I am not the only one that I gasped out loud when I read your post.

OP, I would class that as a violent sexual assault. Legally speaking, anything that involves penetration of the vagina or anus with an object or body part, without consent, is a serious sexual assault.

I am very sorry that you went through such an awful shitty time, and I'm sorry you're now dealing with fertility issues. I've been there - it's awful. Please do feel free to come hang with us on the Stately Homes thread if it will help.

Its not a palace your sister is getting
its a cage

She said 'I'm going to put a tampon in you, lie down'

And I did, obediently. So maybe I did consent?

And then she started, and I started to struggle, and say 'No! It hurts'. And she told me to stop being hysterical.

I was about 14, certainly no older.

I feel for you OP. Your mother was abusive. It may be best for you to cut off contact with them permanently as they are not doing you any good. I, myself, have a similar situation -- a 43 year old brother still living with my parents who abused me as a teenager (not sexually, but verbally and physically). I cannot handle going over to their house and my mother doesn't understand why. I even tried to tell her but it was like talking to a wall. Well, as my mother gets older she is going to regret choosing one kid over the other. These kinds of people are not worth wasting your life over.