I am so ashamed of how jealous I feel of my sister

[Solonthelawgiver]

My parents had two children, myself and my sister. We grew up in the south east, but not in London. Growing up, I was the family scapegoat while my sister was the golden child. This began patterns of behaviour that are still in play.

I left home as soon as I could. DM was abusive in every sense of that word, and living with her was like a prison sentence. I literally used to cross off the days until I could get out to university. My sister, by contrast, hasn't left home. My parents do everything for her. She is now in her mid 30s. They make her breakfast, do her washing, do her shopping, tidy up after her, etc etc etc. She has a decently paid job (nearly £40k), and her boyfriend of ten years earns even more - so while they are not rich by Mumsnet standards (!), they are, statistically speaking, high earners.

The family story is that DS can't move out because of MH issues - and she definitely does suffer from depression/anxiety. I don't want to sound like i'm diminishing the significance of this as something that holds her back, but her issues are not so big that they prevent her from being functional at work or socially. I do recognise that she is at home partly because of the pressures of being a golden child. But she is also exploiting the situation for all it is worth from a pragmatic point of view. She and her partner are saving almost all their income, and they are amassing a fortune (and I am talking hundreds and hundreds of thousands of pounds) so that they can move out to a dream house in a dream area.

I live a long way away from my folks. I made the decision that I couldn't get onto the housing ladder where my sister wants to buy, and moved somewhere much cheaper. My parents will not travel to visit, though they are able to do so - my mum is a bit anxious about travelling, but not excruciatingly so. It feels like they just don't want to make the effort, while they bend over backwards for my sister. In the last five years, they have been up to see me twice.

I've not be working recently due to health issues, and a confined and isolated life, and a serious of medical cockups over five years resulting in fertility issues that mean I can't have children. So I've developed serious depression on top to the point that functioning normally is a challenge. Fortunately, I am amazingly lucky compared to many in my situation: DH has a well-paid job and has been so supportive, allowing me to focus on getting better rather than dealing with the nightmare that is the benefits system. Before this happened, I had a decent job (the only decent job I've ever had, actually), and was doing OK, but now everything is in turmoil and I really have to build my life from scratch and find a new direction and purpose, without the prospect of creating my own family. I am 37 and I am terrified of this challenge. The rounds of treatment I've undergone have left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted, and I just don't feel I have anything left to give. I could use some support right now, but absolutely nothing practical is forthcoming. My Mum acts like she's making a huge sacrifice in talking to me on the phone occasionally, and seems to think that she has already gone beyond the call of all duty. (Actually, I spent more time on these calls supporting her as she deals with my grandmother!)

I think my DS is on the brink of moving out for the first time ever. I should feel glad for her. I should be happy to see her spread her wings and fly like a fledged adult. But I feel jealous and sad. I honestly don't think it's the money, and I have sat down and really considered whether this is just envy, but I don't think it is. It's more that I feel like my parents have handed her the ability to live in the absolutely ideal location of my dreams, and that I am just exiled hundreds of miles away, struggling along to be independent, without any support or love from the family. They don't even seem to recognise or acknowledge that they do treat the two of us so differently.

I know I need to get past this, hitch on a smile and try to feel glad, but I can't. I just feel... bereft. It's like the situation is just screaming everything that is wrong with the family dynamic, and I am finding it hard to stay positive. The fact that it's come at a time when I'm dealing with my own inability to have a very different family of my own just makes it a hundred times worse. I'm hoping people will give me a good talking to about this so that I can buck up my ideas.

It may seem like your sister got it easy, but she may feel abused by your parents too. you never know unless you talk to her.

Really. Very similar. I think I wanted my mum to help but then I was crying because it hurt and she didn't stop and it was really awful. The only person I've told in 'real life' is my therapist. I'm glad if I've helped you by sharing here. For what it's worth my therapist didn't think I was weird and it did help to tell him.

I think in the kind of atmosphere and environment you grew up in it's not really possible to view yourself as being able to freely choose or consent to things, as it wasn't an environment in which you had choices.

PS you are not weird and none of this was your fault. I promise.

It's still sexual assault OP, the underfeeding is also abuse.

I'm gobsmacked that your school did not report your mother to SS for withholding food, that's what child protection is for.

I never heard of mothers putting tampons in, even with consent.

My mother would just hand me maxi pad/ glad rag if I needed something.

Peppermint Thank you so, so much for sharing that with me. Honestly, it has helped me a lot. Your posts here have made me realise that I do need to talk this through with a counsellor and that my feelings about the material gains my sister has are really about much earlier events.

blueberry - I have talked to my sister about the past. She doesn't remember any violence, didn't experience any. And she doesn't believe me about the tampon incident either. She basically says Mum was/is lovely and that I was a difficult and disruptive child who wrecked her youth by being angry with DPs. I can't describe very well how it makes me feel - but it is like the emotional equivalent of a migraine, a constant, throbbing, anxious pain. I have doubted whether my version of events is even true, whether I am misremembering things or making them up. But I am sure I am not. These things happened. Maybe she didn't witness them, maybe she did and is blocking it out because it's easier for her that way. She has played an active role, since being an adult, in scapegoating me, and the disbelief feels very much part of that.

locking room, withholding food, and forcing tampons is clearly abuse. no question about it.

I understand, I mean to write she probably feel a different type of abuse. not like yours. manipulative, controlling, threats or something like that.

Would you feel happier if you stopped contact with them?

Twinklestein- that is partly my fault. I begged the school not to take action, told them it was all the exercise I was doing (in part, that was true). The care system, where I was at that time, was just a reservoir of young people who were abused by a whole load of strangers. (Trust me, I had some contact with it, and you were far more vulnerable in it than out of it). I preferred the abuse at home to that.

Imperial - no. I do love them, though I feel hurt by it all as well.

I am so confused now.

My Mum has mental illness. It's not all her fault. She should have done better, but she also had her own demons. Grandma was a terrible mother to her - she was the golden child.

My Dad is lovely, I mean a really smashing bloke, and I think turned a blind eye/didn't want to know/trusted my Mum.

I love my DSis too, but I think I probably project some of the maltreatment on to her with the jealousy. You know - why me? Why didn't she go through any of this? Why does she deny it happened? I feel angry with her, because she didn't go through it and has gained a lot and is about to move into an amazing, huge house, has an amazing job, and is fully functional and admirable and will go on to have an amazing family. While I am just screwed up. I know it's a really evil way of thinking, to wish bad on someone. I should be thankful for her success. I am such a bad person. Everything about me is just wrong. Sometimes I feel like the world is trying to tell me I don't really have a place.

OP I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through. You suffered serious abuse and I think counselling could help you a lot.

My mum is similar in many ways, though I was the golden child, but have been fighting for my independence for many years and finally cut off contact recently.

It helps me to see that my mum is not a bitch, she's not withholding from me something that she could give if she chose. She's simply not capable of being a good parent and the way she has treated me (and subsequently my DC) is just about her getting what she needs from those around her. (In her case, attention, drama and crossing boundaries) It doesn't matter how much I wish and long for real, loving mothering - it will never come from her.

You are jealous of your sister because it feels like she's getting something you're not - but the fact is you both have a mother who hasn't been able to really be a parent.

If you can stop wishing your mum would visit you, talk to you on the phone etc you can start to heal, because whatever she does, she will not give you what you need. This is the person who did those terrible things to you. It's OK to not have her in your life, if that's what you choose. I know that's a hard step to take and it took me decades to get there, but I feel so much more free and safe now.

You think your sister is fully functioning? She's mid-thirties and her mum still makes her breakfast! She hasn't been able to leave home. You've been independent - that's something your sister will never achieve.

Imperial Sorry, I didn't explain well enough: my sister is about to move out to a massive and extremely expensive house, which is what precipitated this meltdown. It's the kind of place that has stabling for horses. She won't have a problem being independent - she has everything set up ready, and can afford cleaners etc to help out. She is extremely bright and resourceful and confident - I've yet to meet the person who can beat her in an argument.

I should feel glad for her, but I don't.

OP, it's not an unusual dynamic for one child to be abused and another have a completely different experience. Your mother abused you. Your father let her. Your sister wasn't and doesn't understand.

I can understand you loving them, they're your parents after all, but having as little contact as possible and getting some counselling to come to terms with the abuse is really your best way forward.

Make you and your DH your priority now and forever.

Everything about me is just wrong.

No, everything about your foundations and where you came from was wrong, and that's left you feeling that way. You can leave that behind, and you can see that you're someone worthwhile separately from all of that. It is very hard I know but I do think counselling would be a great idea. My advice would be to choose a counsellor who is not a "mother" figure - a young woman or a man - as that could add more difficulty. You could even be offered this on the NHS if you talk to your GP - the heath issues you've had have also affected you badly.

Re the tampon, is it sexual abuse? I would say what it is, is boundary-crossing, for the sake of it, to assert power and control. She did this because it humiliated you and put her in a stronger position. I wouldn't call my mum a sexual abuser as such but she would constantly overstep boundaries and touch me in inappropriate places, make very inappropriate remarks and ask horribly invasive questions. I remember as a teenager her asking me if I masturbated, in front of some friends. Things like that.

Also re your dad, he may be lovely but "turning a blind eye" is very serious and he has not helped you when he could have. That's very common with people like your mum, either they don't maintain a relationship or they find someone who will make allowances and excuses for them.

Look for the website "daughters of narcissistic mothers" too. It has helped me a lot just to read about these experiences and see that it's not just me.

Also threads on MN can be a huge help and have taught me a lot, so keep this one going and have a search for others, there are many that make very useful reading.

for you.

Magenta - thank you. I think you are right about not seeking a counsellor who is a mother-figure. It mustn't be someone whose approval I seek. I don't want to be validated, and told that I am a good person because that creates a certain pressure. I want to explore the whole truth of what happened. I want there to be space for actual me, in all my messiness, not some idealised victim version of me.

You are also absolutely right about my Dad's relationship with my Mum. Very perceptive.

I realised something about why I am angry. It is so obvious, but I didn't think of it before this thread. I am angry with my sister, because I think that as an adult she has connived at the scapegoating. She knows what happened, I have told her, and she chose not to believe me, but rather to demonise me with my parents - to discuss with them how I act, to criticise my weight, the way I dress, how I behave. For the last twenty years, she has very much been the ringleader in terms of exiling me from the family and denying my version of events. I feel that the house she is buying has been bought with the proceeds of that - because the pay-off for her was putting herself in a position where she could save tens of thousands of pounds a year towards her dream place. And here she is, on the verge of achieving it.

It's OK to let yourself be angry about that. Your sister is acting out what she has to do to keep her privileged position and not upset the applecart. I don't think you're ever going to be able to get through to her or get the fair treatment from her that you deserve. She has a big house - remember that so do lots of people, and it is no guarantee of happiness at all. What's important is finding your way to your own happiness.

You are right. I don't know if this makes sense, but it is what is symbolizes about the family and the way things are set up that hurts. It feels like an embodiment of everything that has happened, and how much I have lost out. I know life isn't fair and I should just accept it.

(My house is in quite a poor area and is nothing special, but I love it. It is the first place I ever felt safe. We could afford to move somewhere better, but I don't want to because I like it here and moving is a risk- it might not be as safe. I love my neighbours and my garden. But I do not especially love the city I am in. There are lots of aggressive people here and I do not feel like I 'belong' especially. I miss the friendliness of East Anglia. I would like to be able to live in the city that she is in, but there is no way I will ever be able to afford that).

You have already had some great advice and I don't think I can add to that.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything you have been through and the things you are going through now.

I hope you can get some help to realise that you are a valuable and important human being, that all these things are not your fault and that you had a terrible upbringing.

I have experienced a fraction of what you have so I don't want to pretend I have the answers but counselling has helped me enormously. It has made me see that it doesn't matter what I do, it will never be good enough. What I am able to do since then is to disassociate the way I was treated with how I behave now. I am more confident, I am kinder to myself and things don't affect me so much.

It isn't easy and it sounds like you have a lot to work through but you sound like you have a lot of insight and that will really help.

Good luck

It helps - it helps a whole lot - to hear that counselling can give me tools to deal with these problems. I feel like I've hit the absolute rock bottom and I know I need help.

I am completely unable to go forward at the moment, and it is going to cause problems for the one thing in my life that is good - my marriage. DH has asked me to do some writing for him while he is away for a couple of days on business, and I just can't do it. I have looked at it, and felt sick, and avoided it. I know this is no good. I am completely blocked. I need to put my life back together, but I just feel stuck and I can't move forward with anything positive. I don't know why this is. Maybe it is connected in some way to the pressure that was put on me to succeed academically by my mother, and my inability to convert those academics into anything whatsoever that is useful in job terms. Maybe it is something else. I have been off work for 15 months - physical illness, not mental. I have been completely gaga with strong painkillers the last 6 months. I am finally off those and getting my health back. But I just feel like taking any step outside of my existing life is dangerous and risky, and I can't do it. Yet I know that DH is getting impatient with my inability to commit and make a move. I need to be able to write and I can't for some reason. I don't understand it and it terrifies me. Failure terrifies me, and the prospect of not even trying and thus automatically failing terrifies me. And when I say 'terrifies' I really mean a gutwrenching and awful fear. God help me.

Sorry for venting so much on this thread. It has all just flowed out of me today for some reason.

You have all been so wonderful giving me help and support and advice. .

I think I am going to go and have a sleep now.

You have nothing to apologise for. You are not a bad person. You are in pain but it can get better.

You have nothing to apologise for at all. What you have been through is horrific. I am glad its helping you.

Please just remember that your sister doesn't have everything. She seems like she does but she doesn't. You mentioned a co-dependant relationship with your mother, do you think your mother will let your sister go that easily? Your sister may have material things, but that doesn't mean she is happy on undamaged from your mother.

I hope you get the help you need and find some peace.

Your sister should have supported protected and believed you, instead she trod on you to get higher herself. You have absolutely no reason to feel happy for her and the status she has explored others to achieve.

Your mother was horribly abusive. I honestly think you should consider going NC with them all. I think you would find that constant weight slowly lifting away as they move further from your memory and consciousness.