I am so ashamed of how jealous I feel of my sister

[Solonthelawgiver]

My parents had two children, myself and my sister. We grew up in the south east, but not in London. Growing up, I was the family scapegoat while my sister was the golden child. This began patterns of behaviour that are still in play.

I left home as soon as I could. DM was abusive in every sense of that word, and living with her was like a prison sentence. I literally used to cross off the days until I could get out to university. My sister, by contrast, hasn't left home. My parents do everything for her. She is now in her mid 30s. They make her breakfast, do her washing, do her shopping, tidy up after her, etc etc etc. She has a decently paid job (nearly £40k), and her boyfriend of ten years earns even more - so while they are not rich by Mumsnet standards (!), they are, statistically speaking, high earners.

The family story is that DS can't move out because of MH issues - and she definitely does suffer from depression/anxiety. I don't want to sound like i'm diminishing the significance of this as something that holds her back, but her issues are not so big that they prevent her from being functional at work or socially. I do recognise that she is at home partly because of the pressures of being a golden child. But she is also exploiting the situation for all it is worth from a pragmatic point of view. She and her partner are saving almost all their income, and they are amassing a fortune (and I am talking hundreds and hundreds of thousands of pounds) so that they can move out to a dream house in a dream area.

I live a long way away from my folks. I made the decision that I couldn't get onto the housing ladder where my sister wants to buy, and moved somewhere much cheaper. My parents will not travel to visit, though they are able to do so - my mum is a bit anxious about travelling, but not excruciatingly so. It feels like they just don't want to make the effort, while they bend over backwards for my sister. In the last five years, they have been up to see me twice.

I've not be working recently due to health issues, and a confined and isolated life, and a serious of medical cockups over five years resulting in fertility issues that mean I can't have children. So I've developed serious depression on top to the point that functioning normally is a challenge. Fortunately, I am amazingly lucky compared to many in my situation: DH has a well-paid job and has been so supportive, allowing me to focus on getting better rather than dealing with the nightmare that is the benefits system. Before this happened, I had a decent job (the only decent job I've ever had, actually), and was doing OK, but now everything is in turmoil and I really have to build my life from scratch and find a new direction and purpose, without the prospect of creating my own family. I am 37 and I am terrified of this challenge. The rounds of treatment I've undergone have left me emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted, and I just don't feel I have anything left to give. I could use some support right now, but absolutely nothing practical is forthcoming. My Mum acts like she's making a huge sacrifice in talking to me on the phone occasionally, and seems to think that she has already gone beyond the call of all duty. (Actually, I spent more time on these calls supporting her as she deals with my grandmother!)

I think my DS is on the brink of moving out for the first time ever. I should feel glad for her. I should be happy to see her spread her wings and fly like a fledged adult. But I feel jealous and sad. I honestly don't think it's the money, and I have sat down and really considered whether this is just envy, but I don't think it is. It's more that I feel like my parents have handed her the ability to live in the absolutely ideal location of my dreams, and that I am just exiled hundreds of miles away, struggling along to be independent, without any support or love from the family. They don't even seem to recognise or acknowledge that they do treat the two of us so differently.

I know I need to get past this, hitch on a smile and try to feel glad, but I can't. I just feel... bereft. It's like the situation is just screaming everything that is wrong with the family dynamic, and I am finding it hard to stay positive. The fact that it's come at a time when I'm dealing with my own inability to have a very different family of my own just makes it a hundred times worse. I'm hoping people will give me a good talking to about this so that I can buck up my ideas.

To be perfectly honest it sounds like fairly standard NHS treatment, and actually it could have been worse ime.

Do you have any money for private therapy OP? £40 a week might do.

Forgive me if I've got this wrong OP, but I'm sure there was a bit of dark humour in your last post. Whatever dark depths you've been dragged to recently, there's a bit of sunshine there, and it's coming from within.

As others have said, you write beautifully and with such perception. I hope the writing works out/continues to work out (for all we know you're a published author already), because you're bloody good at it!

Oh you poor love Solon you are not horrible at all. And I don't think so much jealous of your sister but with the difficulties you are having in your life at present, the outward symbols she has - of 'success', your parents 'help' and 'approval' (I out them in quotation marks because they are not real) - seem magnified. But her 'achievements' aren't real and built on the quicksand of your parents enabling/controlling.

You on the other hand, despite awful abuse (including sexual assault by your mother I think - violating your boundaries and bodily integrity) have gotten an education, gotten away and built a life for yourself, and are in a supportive marriage. I know you are having touch setbacks at the moment but these are real achievements, you got through surmounting huge odds and showing great independence - be proud of that. Your sister's house will be a gilded cage.

Counselling will help you grieve for the childhood and family of origin you deserved but didn't have, and help you see the role you were assigned was not personal, and see and come to terms with your family's roles around your narcissistic mother - including your father's role as perhaps an enabler? Also, your sister being the golden child and remembering all being sweetness and light would have been necessary for your mother's narcissistic tendencies - so she can appear as a wonderful person and parent at least in someone's eyes - not due to any personality characteristic or intrinsic worth on the part of your sister, but merely as a reflection of your mother's need for adoration, just as the way your mother treated you reflected her need to express rage and pain (from the hands of her own mother?), not anything inherently bad about you.

Counselling will also help you detach from them emotionally, well done on having done so in practical terms, by moving away and making your own life.

The whole thing left me feeling like complete crap.

Will it help if I tell you that you write beautifully with intelligence and humour? Even whilst you must have been really upset about the ridiculousness of your appointment you manage to make it entertaining and readable.

I have a feeling that with a bit of counselling and support you have a great future ahead of you - hang on to that thought.

What a shame your crap family won't benefit from it. Some people can only make themselves feel better by making others feel bad.

Par for the course with the NHS I'm afraid. They have to tick all the boxes to 'prove' the money is well spent. I know you know this. It is a seriously crap process and an appallingly shit service.

Seconding private treatment - it is money well spent, in fact, priceless, without price. Look at BACP website, call the ones you like the sound of, narrow down your search - you have to click. Many offer first session free, also a sliding fee scale. Just ask, the answer is yes or no and they wont be offended to be asked. Perhaps also find out who's who in the NHS MH and see if they work privately. That should cost a fair bit but it's an investment into your future, not a luxury. Re ditch holidays/extension/etc and invest in this.

Been thinking of you a lot and glad to hear from you

Click as in get on, feel a connection