How to tell the difference between 'shy' and not interested?

[beaglesaresweet]

Sorry for the epic, I feel that without detail it will be unclear. Feel free to lose patience half way !
I'm just really confused by this man's signals towards me. I've met him a while ago in a social group, he actually promoted it for me to join as he's one of the organisers. There was instant mutual liking, I feel, I'd say instant attraction but not in a shallow way, not obviously physical for me, but personalities and interests and just general attarction. Since then I've seen him on and off over two years, with some long gaps. He clearly flirted with me in the beginning, lots of eye contact, just looking, very comfortable chats.
I thought I may be potentially interested in dating him, even though he is 15 yrs older but I like him. So I thought I will create opportunities for him asking me out, i.e. being away from the usual group. So I stayed behind after a meeting and joined him for a quick tour of a museum which he said he's going to. All well and lots of chatting/understanding/smiling but all very social, then we went towards the tube and I thought, ideal chance for him to offer a drink/coffee, kind of social and not risking rejection as such if he was shy. Well, again while we walked he kept glancing across to me, but then never offered a drink and we said good buys. I though ok, maybe he lost his nerve. Next time again similar situation, again I arrived and he 9while talking to someone) immediately turned towards the entrance and was giving me a long stare, then involved me in the talk and then abruptly left and I was left with that new person, it looked like he maybe was embarassed by us looking at each other. He then again had a chance to ask me out when no one was around at some point, but didn't! I thought, sod it, he is probably not single (and at his age unlikely to be tbh). So I didn't see him for more than 6 months, felt like I'm making an idiot of myself.

Recently I came along to something where he didn't expect to see me - when I arrived he absolutely beamed and said 'what a nice suroprise', I also beamed at him as I still like him. By no deliberate design, I ended up sitting right next to him for a while, and again sweet exchange of glances, feeling harmonious and as if we belong somehow, bu this was with people present and not obvious to others. After this, I stayed behind with other people (no way I was chasing him again), and he shook everyone's hand when leaving, and mine last, he doesn't usually shake hands with all. Again said it was nice to see me, I replied I'll see him at a place where he works. I was there for a while, and then he came back into the room briefly saying he forgot something (he didn't find it), when he came in, long eye contact with me again. I thought, well that's encouraging maybe he missed me. So I went to where he works, he was on his own. And again - awkwardness and edtachment, whereas he was beaming in a group at me, he wasn't when one to one (not for the first time) and in fact I thought he was a bit rude. I asked him wheter he had time to show me some stuff of mutual interest, or is he too busy, he said actually I do haev things to do now before going home, in a slightly frosty way!! I said sorry, I can have a look by myself, I don't want to impose. So I went on with it, he was doing some letter typing etc, then later he seemed to cheer up and wa sitting acropss the table just pertty much staring at me and not engaging much in conversation, I was chatting away because I was also a bit nervous, but he was responding but not intiating, also he didfn't ask anything personal even after such a long break in contact. But he sort of warned up and at least smiled at a few things I said. Needless to say, no invites for a drink or even offer of a cup of tea.

I mean, WTF? He so obviously stares and shows interest/attarction, and I feel a lot of chemistry there, but I'm too shy to bedirect, though he has no doubt that I like him. I didnt hide it that I was disappointed when he said he wan't coming to the next event.

So either he is so shy that he expects me to be direct (esp with the age gap), or he is not single. But then why on earth is this show of interest and flirting for want of a better word? Why is he demonstrative in a group when they ar not looking, but all reserved and even off hand when it's one to one? If he's not single, why on earth do it if he think nothing could ever happen, he's not an obvious player/tease type. This is a well respected intelligent man. I think a few people in the group twigged that I like him, and possibly same wit him, so they may tell his partner? but he still doesn't seem to hide it too much when others are around. I will repeat that I gave him chances to ask me out and I'm sure he could see what I'm doing at least after the first occasion. Because of this, I ;m not going to lose face completely and ask him myself, just no. For all I know he may enjoy watching/encouraging me to be showing attraction to him but it's all for a laugh/ego boost and I just annoy him when it becomes close to acting on it. I do feel that we genuinely are attracted but could I be wrong? He's sort of quite close to my 'Mr Right' even though age gap isn't ideal, that's why the angst, even though I have dropped it once before and will probably have to again.

oh and he did say 'good to see you' in the end of my visit why looking down and quietly kind of, he's normally a very confident speaker socially.

while, not 'why'.

I'll have a proper read of this at work tomorrow because it's late now, but I will be back...

FFS. He is not interested in you romantically. He may like you well enough ie he thinks you are a nice person and he is content to spend a bit of time in your company, but for whatever reason (and his reasons are none of your business) he doesn't want to date you. Don't hover around slobbering to the point where he actually has to take you on one side and tell you he has a partner or he just doesn't fancy you.

Generally if someone is interested, they make a move of some sort. If it's not happening, there's a reason. The reason doesn't matter - it could be he's not sexually attracted enough, it could be he's married/committed.

All you need to know is that he isn't interested. Stop over analysing and bin this.

As for "WTF?" if you really need an explanation try Humans 101: like attention; like ego boosting; like feeling someone is or could be into them.

Again it doesn't matter. His motives for stringing you along are immaterial.

Sorry to be blunt OP, but he's just not that into you.

Let it go and move on.

Are you, say, 22 and him 37? He might just have a wife and kids at home, and enjoy a bit of eye candy in a group situation, but realise how obnoxious it is to fawn over you when you're alone. Or maybe he's just a nice, polite, friendly man who's rather embarrassed that you seem to think something else might be on the cards. You might feel "harmonious" with him but don't project your feelings onto him. If you don't know if he has a partner, I'm guessing you don't know him very well at all, so any number of scenarios might be possible.

But you haven't made a move either. Why not ask him directly? Surely he is only doing the same as you.

I am tempted to say, he isn't interested or he is in a relationship. But maybe he is as shy as you? Or maybe he thinks he is reading too much into your signals and that someone 15 years younger couldn't possibly like him.

There have been times when I've got on really well with a woman, but I just haven't fancied her (also happened vice-versa); it is possible to like someone of opposite sex without actually wanting to shag them.

He might have thought about you and him together as a couple, but maybe he just can't imagine having sex with you. In my experience it's not something you can force yourself to want; you either fancy someone or you don't and from what you've posted it seems that he doesn't think of you in that way.

Most people aren't just 'shy' in all areas. There are things that they feel comfortable doing, and there are things that they panic about. I can give a speech to a thousand people and not feel nervous. I can argue a point with extremely senior people without batting an eyelid. However, put me one-on-one in intimate situations, and I collapse into a messy heap of anxiety and panic.

I know there are all these silly books about 'He's just not that into you' etc. etc. etc. But what they often forget is the simple fact that men are not calculating computers - they are people too! Some are genuinely shy, and that doesn't mean they are not decent. He may be worried about appearing to be predatory, or about sexually harassing you, especially as you're a bit younger. He may feel anxious about a relationship, or about sex. He may fear making the first move. Some men do! And why should it be all up to them?

Life is too short to let what you want pass you by. March up to him, and ask him if he'd like to join you for a drink some time. Just do it! If he says 'No, I'm married', then you know where you stand!!

I'm sorry but I agree with pp who've said he is simply not interested in you in a romantic way.

He's friendly to you in company, but I think the chemistry you're feeling is all on your side. You've created the opportunities to be alone together, but he quite clearly feels ill at ease when you are. The turning up at his work sounds a step too far, almost as if he felt he was being stalked. He couldn't have been more discouraging.

I think you're reading far too much into the 'long eye contact'. As the organiser of the group, he'd want to encourage new members, but you've taken it personally.

Ask him out if you want, but the chances are you'll have to cope with an embarrassing rejection.

OP, I could tell you were young and he was older without you saying so. This has all the hallmarks of the crush on the teacher - lingering looks, over-interpretation of glances, smiles, attentions paid etc - for two YEARS. A bunch of strangers on the Internet can't advise on whether he's shy or uninterested. Do you actually know he's single? Either way, the only way you'll get a definitive answer is by asking him out. But be prepared for a possible embarrassed rejection.

Well, this describes our early years very well. Only I didn't leave it to him, I first arranged lots of group events, in smaller and smaller groups. His explanation, when we did finally get together, was that he was attracted but very concerned to spoil a lovely friendship, if he made a move which i rejected.

I had to be pretty obvious, before we finally got together

The question to leave you with, is do you really want to have the kind of relationship where you always have to make the running. Think about it. Good luck.

All this staring between you sounds bloody weird. Just ask him out if you like him and then you'll get your answer.

thanks all for the replies! Majority verdict is 'not interested' then. I was sort encouraged by the other recent thread where a man was describing odd/mixed signals behaviour from a woman towards him (eye contact in group but weird when on their own), bt he got positive verdict out of it, so I thought maybe similar. Thymeout you are right, ill at ease is exactly what describes it, now I'm thinking about it. But as a more positive post of shovel says, it could be anxiety/panic theoretically.

I'm grateful for the talking down though - when something goes round and round in your head and you want it to be positive, it's hard to see the plain truth. I do see more clearly now that he is not interested in acting on it, even though he likes me generally and possibly even attracted to an extent - he does stare quite a bit even when not talking, doesn't look away when I do either - but he is not attracted enough or not interested and just enjoys a bit of flirting.

LadyGregory, I said I knew him over two years period, but I only met up with him about six times in a group, and a couple of times at his work place. Btw it's not weird to turn up at his work, it's linked to the group activity we do, so everyone turns up there from the group. He uised to be very welcoming, but after my failed attempts, I haven't been there for a year, and this time I did say I'll see him at work soon to which he nodded.

From what I've overheard months ago, he has grown up kids, and is separated but no idea if he has a new partner or even could be back with the wife. I'm not in my 20s! Nor do I 'slobber'. But I think I will bin again as someone suggested.
MadeMan, you may be right, strangely enough it's hte same with me, I'm really drawn to him but actually I can't clearly imagine being sexual either, may be iit's the same for him. Having said that, sometimes it works with former friends, there is this strange transition into being a couple. There is chemistry though, I thought, when we are in close proximity.

Well, after reading the thread, I'm more clear that I must drop it (apart from occasional hobby group meetings), as you say it's going to be embarassing if he actually ever spells it out that he's not interested so I'm not going to be direct. He knows I've created chances to be away from group and although he went along with that, he could also have suggested a casual coffee without being direct, it would have been enough of a step. And yes, probably not single so if there is any change, it's up to him.

Why don't you suggest the casual coffee/drink together in a one on one situation? At least you would know where you stand - even if the answer is not positive you don't have to dwell - as you say you have only met up with him a handful of times in two years! Most people are decent/polite when asked out, even if they refuse.

Tbh if you are not drawn to him sexually (physically?) then it just sounds like two friends who enjoy each others company and interests.

Don't let any hopes for this stop you meeting someone for you.

I think just asking him if he wants to go for a drink coffee will clarify.

Let us know what happens if you do

I had to be very direct with my bf before we got together.
I think he just lacked confidence with women tbh, but he is a lovely lovely bf.
He said he'd liked me at the outset but assumed I was just being friendly rather than being actually interested in him.
However when it got to the point of me asking him out I had nothing to lose. So wouldn't have been that awkward for me if he'd said no. Would have been able to avoid bumping into him and doesn't sound like you can do that.

Might be the age thing.

Might be that he's feeding his ego flirting with you. He doesn't sound shy.

If it were me, I'd take him out for a drink, then go in for a snog. I have no class though.

But maybe a suggestion of coffee together? Even if he says no, it's just coffee. If he agrees, you can find out about whether he's in a relationship or single.

DH's quite shy, but he picked up on that I fancied him when we met. Probably because I have no class.

Duchess, I am drawn to him physically, but what I mean it's not primarily a sex thing when you feel like you can't keep your hands to yourself. Maybe it's due to the age gap, not sure. But I do feel chemistry and enjoy shaking hands or just being close, it's hard to explain why it's not some kind of phwoar feeling. I'm just attracted on various other levels which to me is more rare and valuable than a strong sexual urge. I think if we actually held hands properly or more, it might become a very strong sexual feeling, possibly. The other thing is, he had several opportunities (created by me) to offer me a coffee but he didn't, so I don;t think I should.

zigzag, well done for the courage and getting a nice bf! how did you know he was interested? was he shy socially? this man isn't generally unconfident at all socially, and is generally well-liked by all, but he isn't a 'soft' type or a pushover. Ironically someone called him intrepid in a conversation! I wish he was intrepid about asking me out for a drink. But ok, I must stop the wishful thinking, I think he's just not single probably.

I'm mainly confused because if I was trying to discourage someone who I was just friendly with - that actually happened recently - there would be no beaming or looking at them much, but instead looking away if they initiate eye contact, and I wouldn't be saying 'good to see you', and 'what a nice surprise', I'd just be polite but neutral and slightly standoffish bar some shoptalk. But as he's not making a move, I'll let it go.

RubbishM, hilaroius! no class is a way forward it seems , it worked!

cross posted with you - see about the coffee thing in last post. You are right he's not shy at all overall, but I feel he is a little with me, or awkward, that's why I was hoping. But I now think it's just a bit of pleasant distraction/entertainment for him. I do think he knows I'm attracted or at least like him a lot, so he could have tried a careful approach, but didn't.

I think the only direct approach would be for me to joke about the whole thing, like saying 'am I really embarassing you with my attention?' in a light-hearted tone - what do you think?

Oh my god! Ask him out! Whats the worst that can happen? He says no? Its possible he lacks confidence with women, itsc possible he doesn't fancy you, its possible hes married, its possible hes gay!

You cannot portray chemistry in a post, you have to feel it or see it.

Just ask him out, get your answer, i don't see why women expect men to put themselves out there but won't do it themselves!

^^ what feministsaid!

It's funny you should say that about the attraction thing beagle. When I first met Dh I didn't realise I was attracted to him. I think it's referred to as a "slow burner". Before that, in all my relationships I'd go off the bloke within the year, at best. Usually within 6 months. We've been together for 4 years, married for 2.

I'm not sure the jokey approach is the way to go. Could lead to misunderstanding. Invite him for a coffee (so not an actual date) and just spend some time together.

Hoik your ovaries and ask him! Otherwise you'll never know!

Hi, my bf is not shy at all - is pretty outgoing really. I think it had just been a while since he'd had a gf (we're late 30's) and he's not the sort who is very confident with women.

We were chatting on Facebook and i'd be dropping major hints like 'we should catch up sometime' and he was just saying stuff like 'yeah we should' back. I had to directly ask him if he fancied a drink. Now he says that after he'd sent the email saying 'yeah we should' he was kicking himself.

Once he knew I was definitely interested he took the lead though - arranged the date and the next dates. He was the one who went in for the first kiss etc!