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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

unwanted attention

33 replies

DollyRocker1 · 31/03/2015 21:55

I've recently joined a volunteer group and am having a fabulous time - ran my first training event tonight.

However there is a guy in the group that is being forward. Tonight he put his arm round me and when I said I had had a Big Mac before coming he said he could fall in love with me as he loves McDonalds. He also drops hints about going to the cinema and for a meal.

It's hard to describe exactly but to me it's more than friendly banter and he's making me feel uncomfortable as I'm not interested in him in this way. He isn't from this country so I wondered if it was a culture thing at first but don't think it is.

I need to keep things cordial / friendly as we have to work together on projects. How can I deflect his attention in an appropriate manner?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/03/2015 22:00

tell him you would appreciate it if he kept his physical distance and that you are not remotely interested in him

if he takes the hump, so be it

sometimes trying to be polite gets you shit upon

MiniTheMinx · 31/03/2015 22:04

Refuse to speak about anything other than the project/activity
Ignore all other chatter
Move away from him or turn your back and talk to other people
Do not smile, even if he does
Do not laugh even he is funny
Do not catch his eye or look at him when he isn't speaking to you
Seek out other people to talk to and always make sure you are in a group
Make excuses to dash off
If he is a space invader, cross your arms and step back or turn your back on him

Original poster
DollyRocker1 · 31/03/2015 22:12

Thank you both. This is déjà vu for me as I was a member of a local drama group and this one guy liked me for SEVEN years. It was made worse by his mum making the teas and continually trying to 'sell' him to me - he's such a lovely boy. I liked him as a friend but his tactile nature turned my stomach. Feeling this again.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 31/03/2015 22:17

I would take him to one side and tell him straight "I don't want there to be any awkwardness so I just want you to know that I'm not interested in you romantically, and I'd appreciate if you could not put your arm round me or anything like that again."

If he keeps on after that, speak to the group leader and explain he's harassing you. Either that or knee him in the nuts, whichever works best for you.

ALaughAMinute · 31/03/2015 22:18

What you describe is inappropriate behavior and you need to nip it in the bud now! Start by being cool with him and if that doesn't work tell him straight that you don't want him to touch you. If that doesn't work tell him to fuck off! Smile

GoatsDoRoam · 31/03/2015 22:27

State your boundaries. Keep it short and simple:

"Don't touch me" when he gets handsy.
"No thanks" when he drops hints about a date.
Stony silence and raised eyebrow for things like the Big Mac comment.
"I'm not interested" also works to counter pretty much any unwelcome conversation.

He will probably accuse you of not being able to take a joke or friendly comment, somewhere along the line. Let him. That's the jackass's line of defense. You don't need to win his approval, you just need him to back the fuck off. Don't hesitate to make that clear - people like him see politeness as weakness.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 22:28

There's no harm in starting politely. As Pocketsaviour says, tell him nicely but firmly that you are not romantically interested in him and don't want him to touch you. So far, his behaviour is indicating that he would like to date you, which isn't inherently wrong - he would only be in the wrong if he sulks or persists having been told politely that his advances are unwelcome.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 22:34

Oh, and there is another option (though not everyone is comfortable with this for a variety of ethical/principle reasons): either talk loudly about My Partner or (if you are single and mentioning a partner would involve you in more deception than you can handle ie you would be expected to bring this partner to events) talk a lot about a person you are attracted to or plan to date. This could be a work colleague or a friend of a friend (doesn't matter, in this case, if the person you are thinking of is Benedict Cumberbatch or the milkman) but it's a less blatant and teeth-gritting way of making it obvious that you are not interested in Mr Huggy.

AnyFucker · 31/03/2015 23:03

ugh to using either a real or imagined other male to see off said nuisance male

brings up nasty images of ownership of females

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 23:12

AF: That's why I said that some people don't like doing that for ethical reasons - it's not something I would like to do myself. However it's an option for someone who wants to avoid anything more confrontational while putting a stop to the unwanted advances.

AnyFucker · 31/03/2015 23:39

It doesn't sit right folds arms Smile

Botanicbaby · 01/04/2015 00:41

but 'My Partner' could mean a female partner as much as a male one :)

OP I would hate someone to put their arm around me too but some people really don't mean this to be creepy and can catch you off guard. I think if you have a startled, uncomfortable reaction and he doesn't pick up on that and not do it again, then he is ignoring it deliberately. I'd have no qualms about saying loudly DON'T DO THAT..

I think him dropping hints about going for dinner and cinema need to be handled directly, nipped in the bud asap and you need to be as subtle as a brick here. Say you are not interested, no can do, not gonna happen. Firm & no nonsense, matter of fact tone. Don't let him spoil your enjoyment of volunteering!

MadeMan · 01/04/2015 01:27

"...and when I said I had had a Big Mac before coming he said he could fall in love with me as he loves McDonalds."

You could always tell him that Big Mac your huge brick shithouse giant Scottish caber tossing boyfriend.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/04/2015 01:39

From what the OP has said, there is at least a possibility that this man is not a clammy-handed creep but someone who is simply making initial advances. (She mentions he's from another country so there might be a cultural difference, and it's not totally unheard of for people in volunteer groups to start romantic or sexual relationships with one another.) This is the sort of situation where the I-am-already-in-a-relationship line can work, when you want to maintain an amicable friendship with the person who has expressed an attraction to you and give him/her the opportunity to retreat gracefully.
Of course, if either the My Partner line or the polite assertion that you're not romantically interested, thanks, doesn't work, then it's time to be firmer and, if need be, enlist whoever's in charge as backup. Mr Hopeful might have form for grabbing and slobbering at every female newcomer to the group and one more complaint might be enough to get him booted out.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 01/04/2015 01:56

I agree with SGB. I understand what you are saying AF but people do have to start somewhere when trying to chat a person up and flirt. If they didn't take a punt by being very friendly and familiar and maybe even a little bit tactile once in a while we'd all be waiting a bloody long time, watching for A Sign that the other person might like us without ever daring to give out any signs ourselves.

It's can be a risky business, flirting and angling for a date - sometimes we get knocked back. But if you are doing the knocking back there's no harm in doing it gently and diplomatically is there? It's not really necessary to be be so blunt and rude about it at this stage, is it? It's not like he's being a sex pest. Confused

I see no reason to be so hard on him unless and until he becomes an annoying, thick-skinned creep with no boundaries.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 06:39

"it's more than friendly banter and it makes me uncomfortable" has crossed a line though, right ?

cailindana · 01/04/2015 07:04

Women know when their boundaries have been crossed. Yet, everyone says 'Oh he's just being friendly, he's just angling for a date.' So the woman is left feeling like a rude bitch while the man pushes and pushes. Conveniently if he rapes or assaults her, he can say that she never knocked him back. Lose all round for the woman.
No one has to put up with someone stepping over their boundaries, ever.
OP you don't need to be polite. Typical, kind people can clearly see when another person isn't responding well to them. This guy either doesn't care about your discomfort or has a problem with understanding boundaries. Either way you need to draw a definite line.

hesterton · 01/04/2015 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DollyRocker1 · 01/04/2015 07:36

Thank you. I woke up to a FB message from my best friend. She said is it xx? A group shot of 14 had been posted from last night. I asked how she could tell. She said he had a look.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 01/04/2015 08:54

cailindana - Everyone has slightly different boundaries surely. Of course there are "hard boundaries" but from the text of the OP alone, it is hard to tell if any have been crossed. The first response should always be a polite "no thanks" in whatever way is appropriate to the approach.

It is not always so obvious if there is interest, the following (in short) was posted recently, and almost all posters replied "she likes you, ask her out" and yet she is ignoring him: -

There has always been some awkwardness between us.
if we're in a group she tries to almost 'hide' her face with something)
Here's the thing, whenever I enter the room she's in she'll be looking at the door looking at me walking in then as soon as I look at her she turns her head and eyes away from me and goes back to loking at her PC screen.

If I look at her whilst she's walking past, and she notices, she'll avert her eyes.

She seems to kind of ignore me more than others.

if we're together in a group she'll be more Interacting with me, but if we're alone she'll be less so.

If we pass each other alone she won't say a word to me, other times she will.

Do I annoy this woman? it's starting to bother me, why she would avoid looking at me when I look at her etc I hope I haven't done anyhting for her to dislike me.

popalot · 01/04/2015 09:03

I should think he probably knows he's crossing a line. Be firm but polite and tell him you don't like the touching. Don't apologise either. He'll take advantage of that. Let him feel embarassed. It'll learn him for next time he tries it on too heavy.

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 01/04/2015 09:04

If you can you need to be, or appear, really confident in this situation. If he moves closer/touches you say "Don't" If he carries on "I''ve asked you once, don't do that"

If he continues then someone, a manager if you have one, give him a final warming or he leaves the group.

Sometimes men people use your kindness against you, and you want to be perfectly clear you will not allow him to do this.

I had someone recently in a pub put his arm around my waist. By saying straight away "don't touch me" it got him off guard and he fucked off. More difficult in a social setting though I know.

BabyGanoush · 01/04/2015 09:11

just say:" you know, that actually makes me feel really uncomfortable"

or "please don't touch me"

You can say it in a friendly manner.

Just realise I have not and any (wanted/unwanted) male attention for ages...I don't miss it!

MadeMan · 01/04/2015 09:11

"Either that or knee him in the nuts, whichever works best for you."

Grin I missed this comment yesterday.

I imagine a knee in the nuts would put your feelings across quite succinctly, OP.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 01/04/2015 09:55

AF hmm…well 'it's more than friendly banter' could be interpreted one of two ways. The way I interpreted it, is that it is flirty banter with a hopeful agenda, as opposed to non-flirty banter with no agenda. Whereas you obviously read 'more than friendly banter' as 'dangerous, predatory sex pest alert.' Confused

Women know when their boundaries have been crossed.

Er…yes they do, of course, but not everyone else does!

in the OP's case, she doesn't fancy this guy, fair enough, so her boundaries are somewhat different, I imagine, to what they might be if she did fancy him. We'd be hearing 'ooh, do you think he likes me? He put his arm around me the other day in a friendly sort of way so I'm not sure if he's flirting or not, but he did joke that he could fall in love with me for liking McDonalds - what do you think? Does it sound like he's interested? He did mention the cinema...' Confused

Yet, everyone says 'Oh he's just being friendly, he's just angling for a date.' So the woman is left feeling like a rude bitch while the man pushes and pushes. Conveniently if he rapes or assaults her, he can say that she never knocked him back. Lose all round for the woman.

So he's a potential rapist now? Hmm

The way she talks about him anyone would think he spent all his time cornering her, groping her and whispering lewd comments in her ear, not hinting that he'd like to take her to the cinema. I know it's a bit icky if you really don't fancy someone but maybe he's just one of those socially inept guys who is not very good at judging social situations, body language etc. It's not a reason to be downright nasty to him at this stage, I'm sure he'll get the message soon enough if she just gives him a wide berth and is a little aloof.

Or, he's from a culture where the sexes don't mix freely and sees British women as fair game and a sure thing, in which case OP by all means, put him in his place as firmly as you like, because he is showing you huge disrespect by treating you differently to they way he would expect his own sisters to be treated by a man.

But based on what the OP has said, I really don't think it's fair to assume at this stage that he's a creepy potential sex attacker who needs to be barked at to keep his distance. At least try to let him down the normal way first. Then if he's a thick skinned creep, by all means up the ante.