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Relationships

unwanted attention

33 replies

DollyRocker1 · 31/03/2015 21:55

I've recently joined a volunteer group and am having a fabulous time - ran my first training event tonight.

However there is a guy in the group that is being forward. Tonight he put his arm round me and when I said I had had a Big Mac before coming he said he could fall in love with me as he loves McDonalds. He also drops hints about going to the cinema and for a meal.

It's hard to describe exactly but to me it's more than friendly banter and he's making me feel uncomfortable as I'm not interested in him in this way. He isn't from this country so I wondered if it was a culture thing at first but don't think it is.

I need to keep things cordial / friendly as we have to work together on projects. How can I deflect his attention in an appropriate manner?

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AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 12:50

No, I don't read it as "dangerous sex pest alert" but equally I don't think women should have to tolerate unwanted attention from men, no matter how well intentioned

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cailindana · 01/04/2015 13:15

Yes don't drink, for women, every man is a potential rapist. Rapists don't wear signs around their neck. But a lot of them do cross boundaries, act overly friendly, refuse to back off even when there's no interest etc.
I don't understand your post DrMorbius. Yes, everyone has different boundaries. The OP knows her own boundaries and this man has crossed them. She has every right to tell him to back off in no uncertain terms.

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SolidGoldBrass · 01/04/2015 13:17

We shouldn't have to tolerate ongoing unwanted attention from men, but from what OP is saying, she hasn't yet indicated to the man in any way that his behaviour is unwelcome. Going by what she described (and as a PP said), if she was in the market for a date and found the man attractive, the behaviour would not be unwanted.
I do appreciate the issues around the fact that women are socialised to be nice to men, and also that our culture expects men to make the first move when it comes to dating. The OP doesn't owe the man a date, a return flirtation, access to her body or anything other than friendly courtesy. It's the sort of situation where she might feel more comfortable using a non-confrontational excuse such as 'I am already in an exclusive relationship'.
It's only if he doesn't accept whatever refusal the OP offers that a boundary really has been breached.

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cailindana · 01/04/2015 13:25

SGB do you genuinely believe that there are men out there who are chatty and tactile but who are so poor at reading body language that they can't tell when someone standing right next to them isn't interested?

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RubbishMantra · 01/04/2015 13:43

It's horrible being sharked. I joined a similar group. walking down the road the next day I heard someone shouting my name. Bloke from the group. First question he asked me was "are you married/in a relationship." Never even spoken to him before.

He was in a relationship. And had "play fights" with his gf. Where the police would get involved.

The McDonalds declaration of love would have made me laff a bit though.

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DollyRocker1 · 01/04/2015 18:09

Hello, thanks for your comments. I have mentioned it to the team leader. She has been concerned herself about his behaviour and was intending to address it but hadn't yet found the time. We are going to sort it out next week.

The arm draping happened at the end of an external event we were hosting, so was totally unprofessional and was the main reason I mentioned it to the team leader who wasn't there last night. If my male work colleagues acted in this way I wouldn't hesitate to report this to my manager, so why should I put up with it in this situation? It's not been one forward comment about going out, it's been several every time I've seen him.

It's hard to explain but with this guy it's not so much what he says but how he says. He's very intense.

I get what you're saying about how my boundaries being slightly more relaxed if I fancied him but TBH this would put me right off.

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AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 18:13

..and that is absolutely your prerogative

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SolidGoldBrass · 01/04/2015 18:40

Yup, from what you have posted now it does sound more like boundary-crossing - and that he has form for doing it - so hopefully the team leader will get him to mind his manners and leave you alone.

Cailin: I do think that there are people who will delude themselves that there are reasons other than 'not interested' when someone doesn't respond to initial overtures, and that not all of these people are dangerous predators. There's a thread with a female OP active at the moment who is determined that there is a 'spark' between her and some bloke who's done everything but run off screaming whenever he sees her...

And, again, it's awkward when A fancies B and B isn't up for it, even when both parties are perfectly nice, reasonable people. It isn't necessarily wrong to flirt or try to initiate a flirtation as long as you back off when told, but quite a lot of people are reluctant to be blunt (whether the flirting attempts are creepy or just unreciprocated). People don't, on the whole, like to hurt other people's feelings.