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Relationships

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Original poster

Why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex?

56 replies

RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 14:17

I've been seeing him 6/7 months. We recently had a relationship-ish talk. We are definitely not seeing other people. He said he is falling for me, he is VERY affectionate and touchy feely.

I know he has a bit of a body image hang up and also a bit of a hang up about the fact he has struggled to perform a couple of times.

I fancy him like mad.

He worked late last night, I nipped round to his this morning to get in bed with him for a bit. We cuddled for aaaaaaages and I tried to initiate sex but he wasn't really interested.

This isn't the first time, I feel like I am often coming on to him and getting knocked back in the last couple of months. TBF I do have a high sex drive. I wonder if I am too aggressive?

I wonder if he just isn't attracted to me as I am? We do get on really well and have so much in common and maybe he sees it as platonic?

But if he wasn't attracted to me, why would he be so affectionate? And why would he participate in a relationship talk and basically say he wants a committed relationship?

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 31/03/2015 14:20

It sounds like he has a very low sex drive. If yours is high, then I would personally cut my losses and move on. Keep him as a friend, but not as a partner. I found being with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me is just a constant erosion of my self-esteem over time.

Original poster

RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 14:22

Do you think that is what it is? But it started off so promisingly!

Without intending to drip feed, a six weeks ago he left a highly stressful Job to start his own business so I have been trying to give it the benefit of the doubt. His life seems to have settled down now tho

OP posts:

SirVixofVixHall · 31/03/2015 14:26

Could he be unsure as to his sexual orientation? How often do you have sex generally? As maybe he was just tired this morning or not in the mood, but if it is very infrequent, so early on, then I would think that there is quite a big problem, either in terms of his sexual orientation or sex drive. Everyone has times when things wax or wane, when they have been together for ages, but you've only been seeing each other for a matter of months, which is rather different.

SirVixofVixHall · 31/03/2015 14:28

Have just seen the stressful job bit. Could he be on Prozac or something similar? (a ssri) As that could have a huge impact on both drive and performance.

rb32 · 31/03/2015 14:29

'a six weeks ago he left a highly stressful Job to start his own business so I have been trying to give it the benefit of the doubt'

Could it be that he had his mind on the day ahead, things he nedded to do for his fledgling business? Running your own business is all consuming and in the first few months must be very distracting.

Original poster

RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 14:32

At first it was whenever we could. I have a daughter so we could only really spend the night together twice a week so that was how often we saw each other and we'd do it every time!

He then had a really stressful period at work and we probably only saw each other once a week for a month or so, towards the end of that, he would be so tired he would literally pass out. I thought after he had time to recover from that it would pick up again but it hasn't!

We did it on Saturday after we had been drinking quite a lot but he couldn't finish.

I've not picked up any vibes he might be confused about his sexuality. He is actually the
Most affectionate and touchy feely boyfriend I've ever had

OP posts:

Original poster

RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 14:34

He's definitely not on Prozac or anything. He's had a tough time but he would have told me that

OP posts:

DianeLockhart · 31/03/2015 14:38

I think you need an honest discussion about sex drives as you seem mismatched, at least at the moment. I couldn't be with someone who rarely wanted sex - I would feel rejected and frustrated and it would lead to resentment. If it's a temporary stress related thing that's fine and you can work through it but if he's generally not tht bothered and sex that's a different matter and personally might be a deal breaker.

Original poster

RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 14:44

He is actually wonderful in every other way. I really really like him. Love him even.

It would be such a shame if this were the case. My own insecurities make me worried that because we have such a great relationship, that's why he is with me but unfortunately there is no sexual attraction on his part? He's such a nice bloke, he'd probably stick around anyway.

But if it was a sex drive issue, I'd struggle to give up on it just because of that I think

OP posts:

SirVixofVixHall · 31/03/2015 15:08

Also sex drive is not set in stone, all sorts of things can affect it either way, and sometimes it can be due to lower testosterone, which can then be prescribed by a GP. He may be just worn out from the stress of everything. It is worth talking about though, so you know what he is feeling.

cheapskatemum · 31/03/2015 15:23

Stress from work definitely affects sex drive imho. Six weeks doesn't seem long to set up your own business and get it to a stage where it's relatively stress free. Can you talk to him about this? It sounds like you have a great relationship otherwise.

Original poster

RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 16:44

He isn't working anywhere near as much as he was. But he does have trouble sleeping and is always tired. Has been as long as I've known him really. Didn't effect him in this way for the first few months though!

He messaged me about something earlier and I replied but added a joke about being a scary lady trying to persuade him to be rude! He text back saying "you're not scary, I'm just very very lazy!!"

I will talk to him about it in person but I don't know how to word it without adding to the pressure. I don't want to make anyone feel obliged to have sex with me

OP posts:

cheapskatemum · 31/03/2015 17:01

He doesn't sound very, very lazy when it comes to his work though! That sounds like a bit of an excuse to me tbh. It takes a lot of effort and motivation to set up your own business. Stress also affects ability to sleep. It's a difficult one, because if he doesn't want to talk about it you can't make him. DH was in a similar position due to stress at work and took anything I said as emotional blackmail, which put more pressure on him. We'd been together decades tho, so bit different in that respect!

JohnFarleysRuskin · 31/03/2015 17:13

Very very lazy does not bode well, sorry.

spence82 · 31/03/2015 17:22

Could he have some issues getting erections?

6 to 7 months is usually still the honeymoon period

Handywoman · 31/03/2015 18:50

You're 6-7 months in and he is describing himself as 'very very lazy' when it comes to dtd.

Either he is too emotionally closed/mature to actually discuss a real reason... Or he has a rather low sex drive. Both should be sounding alarm bells.

This will NOT get better, only worse. I'm sorry but I would move on. Your self esteem could take a huge knock if you stay.

Handywoman · 31/03/2015 18:50

immature

Binklesback · 31/03/2015 18:55

Been here with the mismatched sex drives. It is soul destroying and terrible for your self esteem and as others have said - if its like this 7 months in it will only go downhill.

jonrotten · 31/03/2015 19:24

Right my husband did the same.

Only it was after only a couple of months.

Five years later, he finally told me the truth. That before he met me he watched a shitload of porn and met random women of the Internet to talk dirty too and have sex with. He said that he had repressed himself sexually and that's why he didn't want sex.

This was after years of heartache for me, him saying there wasn't a problem/he had a low sex drive/he didn't think about Sex etc etc.

In that time I lost my self esteem, gained seven stone in weight through comfort eating and ended up on anti depressants.

It may be innocent with your bf, but seriously, life is too short for crap like this, move on to someone you really click with.

jonrotten · 31/03/2015 19:25

I started many a thread like this over the years on here too, I was told maybe ha was gay, maybe he had a low sex drive. He's just a cunt.

Sunflower2301 · 31/03/2015 19:28

Your situation sounds chillingly close to mine about 14 years ago when I first met my now ex-husband. I convinced myself that we had such a good relationship that I could manage with minimal sex. He was also running his own business and a total workaholic. To cut a long story short, we never had a good sexlife. I still don't know to this day if he had a low sex drive, just wasn't sexually attracted to me, or had issues with sexual orientation but it totally destroyed my confidence. We separated several years ago after I discovered he had been sleeping with a female work colleague. I have since met a fantastic partner who has an equally high sex drive to me and he
cannot believe that my ex wasn't more interested! Please be careful x

Gralick · 31/03/2015 19:37

"Lazy" doesn't cut it. If you're tired and lazy, you have lazy sex.

You've talked. You've made allowances. I agree that, instead of fretting over the reasons, you'd be better off ending the relationship. I'm very sorry it's turned out so disappointing & frustrating for you - but it is what it is.

Original poster

RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 19:49

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Believe me, I am well aware of how difficult a sexless relationship is. My ExH was "addicted" to porn and rejected me sexually for two years. He said it was exacerbated by the fact I was too aggressive and put pressure on him.

So I am very careful about being pushy. I think sometimes I think I've given a signal and then wonder if it was too subtle and go back again and feel doubly rejected.

Anyway, back to current BF. I replied to his "very wry lazy" message with exclamation marks and he replied "TBF I'm not always aware that you are up for it and sometimes need it to be pointed out! Haha!"

I am not going to continue the conversation by text and will speak to him when I see him

OP posts:

Original poster

RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 19:54

To add, I had a feeling he had sex issues in the beginning, which I thought it was a confidence thing. He confided early on he was worried about the performance thing and was keen to take it slowly for that reason. It really went well though when we did start having sex. I also know he has body image issues.

I think I'm just going to ask him to be honest about what the issues are and if they are too ingrained, consider my options

OP posts:

Binklesback · 31/03/2015 19:59

My ex used to chide me for kissing the way I do as it turned him on. I'm still confused why that was a problem. He had a very low sex drive and it was awful being told that turning him on was a negative thing.

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