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Original poster

Why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex?

56 replies

RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 14:17

I've been seeing him 6/7 months. We recently had a relationship-ish talk. We are definitely not seeing other people. He said he is falling for me, he is VERY affectionate and touchy feely.

I know he has a bit of a body image hang up and also a bit of a hang up about the fact he has struggled to perform a couple of times.

I fancy him like mad.

He worked late last night, I nipped round to his this morning to get in bed with him for a bit. We cuddled for aaaaaaages and I tried to initiate sex but he wasn't really interested.

This isn't the first time, I feel like I am often coming on to him and getting knocked back in the last couple of months. TBF I do have a high sex drive. I wonder if I am too aggressive?

I wonder if he just isn't attracted to me as I am? We do get on really well and have so much in common and maybe he sees it as platonic?

But if he wasn't attracted to me, why would he be so affectionate? And why would he participate in a relationship talk and basically say he wants a committed relationship?

OP posts:
Gralick · 31/03/2015 20:52

I think I'm just going to ask him to be honest about what the issues are and if they are too ingrained, consider my options

Good for you, RM. It's the only way to go!

Sounds like your ex damaged your confidence, sexually. Of course it's all right to be as 'up for it' as you feel. However, if you still get the impression your partner's rejecting your advances or (argh) going through the motions, then it's awful. I very much hope you get an honest reply and it's something to go on - if not, then please have enough respect for yourself to stop trying.

Gralick · 31/03/2015 20:53

Binkles, that's usually a control thing. Glad he's an ex.

Binklesback · 31/03/2015 20:59

Really Gralick? That's interesting I never thought of it as that, just that for some reason he didn't enjoy being attracted to me Sad

WhatsGoingOnEh · 31/03/2015 21:04

He said he doesn't know when you want sex... After you went round to his house early in the morning specifically to get in bed with him? And then groped, etc, him while you were in there? Confused

Come on.

Are you sure you're just not pushing everything in this relationship too hard? After 6/7 months, it sounds a bit lame for him to say he's "falling for you". After that long, I'd have expected him to have fallen by now. I had an ex who took 7 months to say ILY and wasn't as into sexy as I was; turned out he was simply not as keen on me as I was on him. AND he had a fetish that i really didn't enjoy. So "vanilla" sex was never going to do it for him.

I dunno... You sound more interested than he is. Maybe you should keep your options open.

Letmejustsaythis · 31/03/2015 21:05

He doesn't know when you're up for it? But you had gone to his place just to get into bed with him! cant get any more obvious than that.

The very very lazy comment is awful. He is saying he can't be bothered to give you pleasure. How much effort does it take with someone willing and able lying right next to him in bed?

expatinscotland · 31/03/2015 21:14

I think the two of you are mismatched sexually and this will always be a problem.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 31/03/2015 21:22

Mm, tired, stressed, depressed, poorly, unhealthy, would all be preferable to "totally can't be arsed"

WhatsGoingOnEh · 31/03/2015 23:08

Is there any sign that he has a fetish? Seriously - vanilla might not be worth the effort for him. He might secretly only get really aroused by (say) having a Biro rammed up his bum while you sing Parklife.

Cherryapple1 · 31/03/2015 23:15

Do you think he uses a lot of porn? I agree that staying with someone like this will erode your self esteem. I guess you have to decide how long you stay with him with the hope it may improve.

Original poster
RandyMoo · 31/03/2015 23:15

Yes. I have wondered about the fetish thing.
In the past he has joked about spanking and he doesn't mind if i bite/scratch etc (which to be honest I don't do - but that's not to say i wouldn't!)
I kind of thought he might open up in time and tell me what he likes but then all this work stuff happened and he never did.

He is also aware that I have been through the mill a bit re; sex with my ex and I wondered if that stopped him from telling me about it.

But, in the beginning he was very well able to get very aroused. He just seems to have largely lost interest in sex. Although, Like i say he is still very physical and affectionate

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 23:19

Would an open relationship work for both of you? For whatever reason, this man is reluctant to have sex with you as often as you would like: he could be asexual, a very closeted homosexual or just very fond of you but not sexually interested in you. It's no good (and not actually very ethical) to engage in a continual struggle to make someone desire more sex with you, but while a monogamous relationship with people whose sex drives don't match is always going to end up a miserable mess, a more casual non-exclusive arrangement can work just fine if you are both nice people who enjoy each other's company.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 31/03/2015 23:55

If someone has a fetish, it only really kicks in when the novelty of a new partner has calmed down. So it would be now that he started longing for painful sex again (if that's his thing).

Why not just bite him? Scratch your nails down his back? Tell him you've been reading 50 Shades and read out your favourite passages? Make one about him spanking her, and one about her spanking/biting him. See what gets him going.

Be warned though! You might soon get very very tired of his fetish! I did with my ex. He was into spanking (he spanked me). At first, how turned on he got was really sexy. But then I just hated that it was painful, demeaning, misogynistic, and even kind of funny. Really not for me at all.

Allofaflumble · 01/04/2015 00:40

It all sounds awfully hard work to get someone to have sex with you! Move on I say. Let him be lazy if that's how he is.

textfan · 01/04/2015 04:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 01/04/2015 05:39

Don't be tempted to cure him of his problem, whatever it may be. You are already half way down that road with all this speculation about what is wrong.

'But if it was a sex drive issue, I'd struggle to give up on it just because of that I think'
You are only saying that because deep down you think you can figure out what the problem is and that you can help him overcome it, ride off into the sunset, be happy ever after, etc..

You should believe him when he says he is too lazy and shows you very clearly that he is not interested in having sex with you.

Cut your losses. Move on. You and he are not compatible and that is all you need to know. Nothing is going to change on that score.

Original poster
RandyMoo · 01/04/2015 08:27

OK, so we ended up having a chat about it all in the middle of the night. We moved over to text after half an hour because he finds it difficult to articulate things.

So it's not that he had a low sex drive apparently, he says he REALLY wants to do it more. But....

He was also rejected sexually for a few years in his marriage and it had a huge knock on his confidence (I knew a little bit about that before), he has insecurities about not being very good and finds it very difficult to ask for what he wants. He does like being bitten, scratched etc but there have been occasions in the past with partners where that has caused embarrassment for him.

He has put on weight in the last few months and doesn't know why but he still feels tired all the time and this doesn't add to his confidence.

He says sometimes it has of course been obvious I have given him to come on but he like to have showered first and has felt silly saying to me "hang on lets have a shower first".

He reassured me that he does really fancy me

OP posts:
Gralick · 01/04/2015 09:01

Hmmm. I'm not going to be horrible to him. It sounds like he could be depressed or developing a long-term health condition.

But I really hope you're taking on board what math said immediately before your post.

Relationships should not be this much work. Especially not 7 months in!

Original poster
RandyMoo · 01/04/2015 09:20

I know what you're saying and I am going to be wary, I really don't want a repeat of my last relationship.

But I can't help but fell this is different. I've asked him to talk and he's told me a lot of things I know he found difficult to say.

This relationship hasn't been hard work. On the whole it's been lovely and fun and relaxed. The only time we have ever hit a stumbling block is when either of us has lost confidence about something, usually relating to the similar experiences we have been through. And we've each been patient with the other.

Yes, this sex thing has troubled me but then I have my own issues regarding that.

I don't think he does have depression or the start of a long term illness, I just think he works hard is really tired and leads a pretty unhealthy lifestyle. I'm not about to start mothering him but I did mention it last night and he took it
On board and said he wants to sort that out.

I think I'm just going to watch and see for a bit longer!

And we talked having a bit of wine at the weekend and getting naughty when we both felt a bit braver. That's a good start to me

OP posts:
Lucylloyd13 · 01/04/2015 09:38

Just enjoy each other. Making love does not have to be about penetrative sex. I am sure this will work out fine. And once in a while, while you are kissing and cuddling try whispering something sexy in his ear.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/04/2015 16:56

OK, so we ended up having a chat about it all in the middle of the night. We moved over to text after half an hour because he finds it difficult to articulate things.

Sorry - did you call him in the middle of the night, chat for a bit, then he suggested continuing over text? This strikes me as really odd! Surely texting is a much more difficult way to communicate?

Gralick · 01/04/2015 17:51

I'm so embarrassed I missed that detail!

Umm, weird, OP.

I'm now diagnosing a massive problem with intimacy and I bet this is the real reason his marriage ended.

Original poster
RandyMoo · 01/04/2015 18:18

No, I was working at home late into the night on a deadline. He got in at 1am and gave me a call, I'm not good at holding my own water so told him what was on my mind. The call ended after a while and he text me a little later saying he's better at articulating things when he's had chance to think. Is that weird?

OP posts:
Gralick · 01/04/2015 18:25

I'm unclear as to whether you continued your conversation by text or he merely texted to say 'sorry, I'm not that good at sudden emotional convos, can we talk tomorrow?'

Original poster
RandyMoo · 01/04/2015 18:33

No. It was a kind if a sorry text but more of a "don't worry, I really do fancy you text", then a few ended up going back and forth and he revealed a few more details that he said he hadn't felt able to articulate properly on the phone. I didn't think it was that odd, I understand it really, I'm rubbish at expressing myself a lot of the time too. I do find some things easier to write down. Maybe we both have massive intimacy issues

OP posts:
Original poster
RandyMoo · 01/04/2015 18:37

I think it's hard for anyone, especially some men, to admit they suffer with a lack of confidence and a fear of rejection in that department, if he wants to tell me about it by text that's fine by me

OP posts: