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Original poster

husband wants too leave

63 replies

foamybeep · 30/03/2015 01:38

This could be long and any advice gratefully recieved...

Me and my husband have been together 8 years married for 5. We have 2 boys 6 and 3. My husband wants to leave. Part of me wants him to go but part of me does want to make it work. It's mostly been the last month, I started going with some other mums from school to our local pub on a Sunday eve. Might get a bit merry get in about 11.30. He hates this. Says I've changed... Don't put the family first etc. 1 night a week this is. And not even every week. I spend maybe £10. I spent this weekend with him and the inlaws went pub cane bavk all kicked off. I'm on sofa. He thinks going out once a week is too much that I'm not putting my family first. He's moving out tmw. I'm not devetstated.... Scared bit not devetstated.. I think once a week is OK... He says not. I do everything for the children and him. He works and I'm a stay at home mum.. Any advise from anyone about breaking up x

OP posts:
AuntJaneMarple · 30/03/2015 01:43

My ex did the same. It turned out he had someone to move on with. My advice sort regular contact schedule and money now when he is guilty and close joint accounts. Once he is away and another woman has her eyes on his time and income your dc will be screwed.

AvaCrowder · 30/03/2015 01:43

God it just sounds like you'd be better off without him.

Original poster
foamybeep · 30/03/2015 01:49

He said he doesn't trust me. I've never been unfaithful never even sent a dirty text! It's insulting. I gave up career abd moved 240 miles up north to his home town to start a better life. It's truly heartbreaking. He says it's me who's changed but all I've done is go out a bit more. Which I think is fine children are older not babies I need some me time. He thinks he can't give me what I want. Yet I've never once said that... I dunno what to do x

OP posts:
AuntJaneMarple · 30/03/2015 02:13

It is called transferring and projection. What he is accusing you of is all about what is going on for him.

NaughtyRed82 · 30/03/2015 02:36

He gets to go out to work each day, do things and see different people and have adult conversations, where as a sahm you might not always get that, I'm one myself and I can go days without having a convo with another adult! Need to tell him that it's just a bit of time out for yourself to be able to let your hair down for a couple of hours as the rest of the week is consumed by housework and being a mother and although you love being a mom, your not 'just a mom'. There's more to you than just being a mom and he needs to realise that and let you have your time on a weekend if he doesn't want you becoming unhappy and down at home feeling like not got much social life and not allowed to go out! Tell him he's being unreasonable and if he wants to move out over something so petty then it's up to him!

textfan · 30/03/2015 02:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newnamesamegame · 30/03/2015 06:46

He is being totally unreasonable. You're not coming home steaming drunk or late, its one day a week, you need a bit of an outlet for yourself.

As others have suggested, it sounds likely to me that your going to the pub once a week is a convenient figleaf and there's something else underlying this. Nobody who is happy and secure in their relationship chucks it under a bus because of a minor disagreement like this.

And regardless of what's really going on, this suggests he has a prehistoric idea about women's roles in the family and the home.

louiseaaa · 30/03/2015 06:54

Can I just stay that it's rather hypocritical of him to accuse you of not putting the family first, when it appears that he's the selfish git moving out - rather than working through, the issues (well non issues imhop) with you as a family unit.
As others have said it's not unreasonable to expect to be able to go and have some me time once a week. It's also not unreasonable to start making friends (you say you have moved out of your area to be with him and start a family)

And finally I agree that it looks like he's projecting his feelings and issues on to you.

This may sound harsh, but, if he does go then do take the advice of sorting out finances and contact as quickly as possible - whilst he's in guilty mode.

I really hope that this is not what it looks like. Good luck.

Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 07:48

Please don't try and stop him going

You could go out every night and he hasn't the right to stop you. And I agree with others - I bet he has someone lined up. Him isolating you from others - what else does he do which is controlling?

So pack his stuff and tell him you hope the door doesn't hit him on the way out.

pilates · 30/03/2015 08:23

Foamy, do you have any reason/suspicion to believe he has someone else?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 30/03/2015 08:28

He doesn't have the right to control your social life. The fact that he thinks he does betrays a very unfair and sexist attitude - little woman should be at home sacrificing her every whim to the family. Let him go.

Timeforabiscuit · 30/03/2015 08:29

Trust your gut, you're apprehensive rather than heartbroken, he's leapt on the I'm leaving train on the thinnest of pretences.

I second all the excellent advice above and get money and contact sorted NOW it sounds harsh but leave no loose threads that can be used to limit you later down the line.

Original poster
foamybeep · 30/03/2015 08:37

Thank you all. I just wanted to see if I was in the wrong or as he puts it "having a midlife crisis" I'm 31. No no suspicion of any other woman Tbh I'd be glad at least then he might just go. I'm not heartbroken barely cried. He has. Now he's begging to stay!!! Haven't had any sleep coz he was going on. I'm sure he's depressed. We have a lovely life with gorgeous chikdren... Sex life is good... I would say it's pretty OK. Except he doesn't want me going out.... I want him to go out and do stuff it's OK to do stuff. I dunno where this has all come from... I don't think on my side there would be much love lost I'd just feel free... X

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 30/03/2015 08:38

IMO he is jealous that you are going out.

He is trying to control you by threatening to leave. He hopes that you will stop going to the pub.

It's sad really. Sad that he wants to give up on his children be ause he is insecure.

Tell him you are married not in jail.

Joysmum · 30/03/2015 08:43

Yeah of course because having 4.5 hours and £10 to yourself is so selfish!

For goodness sake stand your ground and ask him why you aren't worth so little to him.

MatildaTheCat · 30/03/2015 09:25

Which is it, OP? Lovely life or no love lost? Do you really have a lovely life together and are just pissed off with him or is this a struggling relationship? Is this the first time he's tried to rein you in or is it the final straw?

Does he think he's depressed? Sorry, lots of questions but your last post was difficult to understand.

pinkfrocks · 30/03/2015 09:57

It seems a very quick decision from both of you considering there are 2 young children involved.

I don't think his behaviour is reasonable at all- but I do think if you are both to behave responsibly you ought not to think of breaking up a marriage over this one incident- no matter how wrong he is- when you have a family.

Things like this can be worked at and talked over- with a counsellor if necessary. He is clearly insecure and jealous that you have some fun but honestly- this is teenage stuff from both of you. marriage is supposed to be for life and at 31 you ought to be working on how you will spend your next 50 years together- not jacking it all in at the first row over something.

And this is not me excusing his behaviour- you are right to be annoyed, though I personally think Sunday evenings are 'family' time especially when children have to go to school or nursery the next day.

Comingoutofhibernation · 30/03/2015 10:02

I'm not surprised now he is begging to stay. You were meant to be horrified by the idea of him leaving, and immediately promise never to go to the pub, or do anything for yourself again! I think you need to have a serious think about whether he is bringing anything to your life, and what you want to happen now.

Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 10:06

I doubt this is an isolated incident Pinkfrocks. It is prob the tip of the iceberg. A man who doesn't want a woman having one night out could well be controlling in many other ways. I would be more than happy to be wrong - but this type of behaviour doesn't normally exist in isolation. I can't see how working or talking it over will change his behaviour. He just wants op to toe the line. And threatens to leave when she doesn't do that. Now he begs to stay. And he hopes she has learned her lesson and won't behave in such a way again.

pinkfrocks · 30/03/2015 10:11

It may be a one-off ,we don't know.
I disagree - anyone can change their behaviour if they want to- that is why people have couples' counselling and therapy.
He is clearly insecure and jealous but therapy would help him understand why he feels like that and what he can do to change it.
I'd not be pushing for some kind of therapy if there weren't children involved but I think when there are the adults have to give it 101% to see if they can resolve things.

Original poster
foamybeep · 30/03/2015 10:13

I think when we're doing family stuff it's lovely. We get on day to day.. Not sure about the love thing... I didn't feel heartbroken I felt relief. Sorry I'm feeling lots of things.. There prob was a time when I would have promised to give up anything for him but not now....

Dunno if I want this for the next 50 years of my life. On Sunday evenings I go out after the kids are in bed with other mums it's not a piss up! No effect on them at all. I wouldn't do it if it was.

Lots of other issues... He nearly left in January due to me being unsupportive. All I did was tell him he was being ridiculous in my opinion about a situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
foamybeep · 30/03/2015 10:18

My friend thinks he's controlled my life. That's the first thing she said to me. That she was glad I could see it.

I always am at home for him and the boys... I gave up my career which I miss alot, to look after them that's my Job... But I can't give any more. X

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 10:22

I agree with your friend.

So are you going to tell him to go ahead and leave?

pinkfrocks · 30/03/2015 10:25

Is this a case of you settled down too young- maybe with your first boyfriend? I didn't even have kids at your age- was working in my career.
It sounds as if you didn't have much of a life on your own before kids came along and how you don't have any confidence. You certainly should not be thinking that you gave up a job at the ripe old age of 31! You have plenty of time and chances to get back into work even if you have to re-train at something. And if you split from your DH then you will need a good job to support yourself and the DCs.

It looks as if there are lots of unresolved issues. And they need talking about openly. can you afford some sessions with Relate?

Original poster
foamybeep · 30/03/2015 10:33

No I didn't settle down to young. I was 24. He wasn't my first boyfriend. I had a wicked life before settling down. I wasn't dragged to the alter kicking and screaming. I was ready to settle down. We have been happy... Just maybe we've grown apart, maybe we want different things.... I know one thing I'm not carrying on like this. I wouldn't want my boys to treat there wives like this so why should I put up with it.

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