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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband wants too leave

63 replies

foamybeep · 30/03/2015 01:38

This could be long and any advice gratefully recieved...

Me and my husband have been together 8 years married for 5. We have 2 boys 6 and 3. My husband wants to leave. Part of me wants him to go but part of me does want to make it work. It's mostly been the last month, I started going with some other mums from school to our local pub on a Sunday eve. Might get a bit merry get in about 11.30. He hates this. Says I've changed... Don't put the family first etc. 1 night a week this is. And not even every week. I spend maybe Â£10. I spent this weekend with him and the inlaws went pub cane bavk all kicked off. I'm on sofa. He thinks going out once a week is too much that I'm not putting my family first. He's moving out tmw. I'm not devetstated.... Scared bit not devetstated.. I think once a week is OK... He says not. I do everything for the children and him. He works and I'm a stay at home mum.. Any advise from anyone about breaking up x

OP posts:

WashingUpFairy · 30/03/2015 20:02

You went to the pub and heard opinions that weren't his and now you sometimes disagree with him. That is OUT OF ORDER! Get back in the bloody kitchen woman. When you've finished scrubbing the floor get upstairs...

That's how I used to live too.

Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 20:03

I agree with AF - how anyone can justify his behaviour is beyond me.

I think when someone finds a relationship bad enough to start a post here - generally speaking what they reveal initially is only the tip of the iceberg. This is about way more than him being a bit jealous about his wife going out for a night - not that that is ever ok. But this can't be talked out or worked on. He doesn't want to change - why would he. This is who he is. The OP just needs to decide whether she wants to put up with it. I know I couldn't.

Original poster

foamybeep · 30/03/2015 20:10

See I think I do respect him. I'm at home all the time... My life is taken up with the children and looking after him. I do all the cooking, all the childcare, all the cleaning. I feel he doesn't even respect me enough to think I deserve some enjoyment with my friends or to trust me.

I feel like the respect isn't mutual. He sees me as inferior to him he goes to work earns the money I just have an easy life at home clearly not deserving of anything else.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/03/2015 20:11

there is always somebody to justify treating other people, mostly women what with them being second class citizens, like this

it makes me wonder what happens in their own life, tbh, and whether it makes them feel better about their own situation if they can persuade someone in a vulnerable state to put up with any old shit like they do

Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 20:26

Yep I completely agree - I often wonder if they are justifying it to normalise their own dysfunctional relationship. Projection or sommat?

textfan · 31/03/2015 02:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedABumChange · 31/03/2015 02:18

24 is young to settle down in my circle.

The fact you aren't devastated speaks volumes. If you weren't married with kids then I'm guessing you'd have split up long ago. This could be great OP. new start, you're young plenty of time to actually fall in love.

Coyoacan · 31/03/2015 05:59

You sound like you have your head screwed on, OP, and as if he has pulled this number one too many times.

Of course you need time out, just like he does. If he doesn't want to leave he will have to learn to accept that, if you still want him.

Mostlyjustaluker · 31/03/2015 06:29

Do you really respect him or do you just keep the peace? I am not saying you are rude or disrespectful when you speak to him but I could not respect a man who did this to me.

Has he gone yet? What will you do if he suddenly decides not to go?

frankbough · 31/03/2015 07:56

AF, quite obviously his threats to leave are his attempt to make a point, a big bold statement, a form of communication... If it's a pattern then it needs to be stopped because quite clearly it's disrespectful.. He's making ridiculous demands and she's ignoring him, she sounds bored and fed up, they both need a jolt, otherwise it's another marriage down the pan..

As for the going out and socialising, everyone has different expectations and boundaries, me and my wife do most of our socialising together either on our own or with friends..
A couple of times a year we meet up with friends separately, which again doesn't revolve around getting drunk for the sake of it..
I go to the gym and she goes swimming separately and we do lots of child friendly activities as a family..

As a couple we have also recognised those friends who have a negative impact on our marriage, they have been consigned to the history bin, neither of us would tolerate berating of either spouse by anyone from the "Pub"..
Marriages need a little bit more than a derisory "Date night", they need attention and communication and they need to do things together as a couple..

pinkfrocks · 31/03/2015 08:02

I can't see anyone trying to justify this man's behaviour- or being dim enough to think their own life gives his actions some justification. It's patronising in the extreme to suggest that anyone who says 'maybe try to find a way through this if you can and want to ' is somehow a browbeaten wife with no life of her own. FGS!

I've pointed out all along that his behaviour is unacceptable.
The difference between my advice and others here is that I think a marriage should be worked at and events like this are the start of discussions, not the start of ending the relationship when 2 children are involved. However, I don't think OP that you want to save this marriage because you have ignored any ideas on what might work- such as sitting down with him and having a serious heart to heart. That's fine - just be honest with yourself. You are painting a picture of him being the bad guy but I think you are disengaged from the relationship anyway.

You sound unhappy and bored with ALL of your life- not just your DH.

Get a job- one DC is in school, the other must be at playgroup or nursery - or could be. There is nothing stopping you working - even if it is part time and even perhaps in the evening if you can't manage day time. If you get out of the house and make more of a life of your own then even if you leave your DH you will be on your way to independence.

pinkfrocks · 31/03/2015 08:04

I agree Frank

pinkfrocks · 31/03/2015 08:15

OP he doesn't even respect me enough to think I deserve some enjoyment with my friends or to trust me.

I feel like the respect isn't mutual. He sees me as inferior to him he goes to work earns the money I just have an easy life at home clearly not deserving of anything else.

Maybe this is more about how you see yourself and you are projecting it onto him? You have already explained how fed up you are being a SAHM and how you miss work. If you split up you'd need to get a job, so why not start looking anyway?

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