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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband wants too leave

63 replies

foamybeep · 30/03/2015 01:38

This could be long and any advice gratefully recieved...

Me and my husband have been together 8 years married for 5. We have 2 boys 6 and 3. My husband wants to leave. Part of me wants him to go but part of me does want to make it work. It's mostly been the last month, I started going with some other mums from school to our local pub on a Sunday eve. Might get a bit merry get in about 11.30. He hates this. Says I've changed... Don't put the family first etc. 1 night a week this is. And not even every week. I spend maybe Â£10. I spent this weekend with him and the inlaws went pub cane bavk all kicked off. I'm on sofa. He thinks going out once a week is too much that I'm not putting my family first. He's moving out tmw. I'm not devetstated.... Scared bit not devetstated.. I think once a week is OK... He says not. I do everything for the children and him. He works and I'm a stay at home mum.. Any advise from anyone about breaking up x

OP posts:

pinkfrocks · 30/03/2015 10:43

well that's a matter of opinion- to me 24 is young!

But no, you don't have to put up with it- are you not going to try though with some professional support? Have you mentioned counselling to him? If you no longer love him that's one thing but you seem to be saying 2 different things in your posts. And it's not ideal to be egged on by a friend. It's not her life or her kids in it.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2015 10:45

foamy, good for you in not capitulating to attempts to tell you that you are being a bit silly or don't know what you want

you seem pretty clear to me and that is you don't want something that is remotely unreasonable

if this was about a bloke having a couple of hours at the pub with friends when all the chores are done, there would be a chorus of manpleasers saying "he needs his time out", "stop trying to control him", "if you nag you will push him away"

etc

it sounds to me like you have outgrown this relationship (no matter what age you settled down) and have realised you need a bit more than staring at the same four walls 24/7 with the added bonus of FaceAche pulling his controlly tricks

if you want him to go, even if just for a temporary separation while you both work out what you want, then so be it

I am glad you are not falling for the emotional blackmail of him trying to frighten you into doing what he says

Original poster

foamybeep · 30/03/2015 14:15

Thank u anyfucker... Your post is exactly how it is. I think I do want separation for a bit.

I never whinge when he goes put or stop him doing stuff.... I would never question what time he got in. In fact I like it get the telly myself or have a long bath.. That's healthy to not want to be around each other all day and night? The difference being I'm glad he's having a nice time. He says he just worries the whole time I'm out that I might not come back.... The to me is completely unhealthy.

No I'm not letting him control me in that way again. I think he knows he can't now.. We shall talk tonight. I'm gonna suggest separation.

OP posts:

pinkfrocks · 30/03/2015 14:32

can you afford to separate and run 2 houses? I think you are right to stand up for yourself but maybe also think about how your DCs are going to take this and think about what you will tell them. I know you maybe can't see it like this but your DH is to be pitied because he is so insecure that he thinks if you go out for 3 hours once a week you might leave him. Even if he doesn't sort this out with you, he needs to address it because he will only take the issue into another relationship.

Is it not worth talking first and leaving the separation until you have given him time to change? Your marriage is quite short and your children are very young to throw it all away without a bit more effort from him.

NickiFury · 30/03/2015 14:39

I don't believe he is going at all, unfortunately. He's saying that to try and scare you back into subordinance. Oh no I am afraid your stuck with this one for a while yet, sadly.

GamoraStarlord · 30/03/2015 14:51

Pinkfrocks are you the op's husband? Controlling behaviour may well need therapy but not couples therapy. He can go on his own and be responsible for his own self. Couples therapy is not recommended for abusers and this is on the way down the emotional abuse track. Op does not need to stay with him and pity him. Just because they have kids? Much better to show your children how important self respect and mutual admiration in relationships are than set the message that they are the reason mum should stay with dad.

Original poster

foamybeep · 30/03/2015 14:52

Pink - this isn't the first time. We can talk until we are blue in the face it doesn't hit home. I can't keep doing this over and over again. It's not healthy. I don't think he will change either. He won't do the things I suggest x

OP posts:

Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 14:53

What agenda are you on Pink? You seem determined to save a bad relationship at any costs. Spot of counselling and all will be well..................

OP be prepared for begging, pleading and promises to change followed by nastiness one he doesn't get his own way.

Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 14:53

*once not one.

pinkfrocks · 30/03/2015 14:57

Your first post gave the impression that this was the first time he had behaved like this since you went out on Sundays. You also posted saying things were really good some of the time and that you had a great sex life.

So I'm confused, that's all.

Gamora Why are you being sarcastic because I'm suggesting Relate? A man who is jealous is not necessarily an abuser so unless you are a qualified therapist I think you are out of order making judgements like that based on a few posts. Getting annoyed about a wife going out for a drink is not exactly abuse in my experience- it's jealousy and needs to be discussed.

I get tired of people suggesting LTB when marriage is supposed to be worked at- and for life.

pinkfrocks · 30/03/2015 15:00

Cheery same comments for you.
The OP said this had gone on for 1 month.

so at 32 after 8 years marriage, you suggest walking out of a marriage without even trying some support. Counselling and Relate just dismissed. Fine.

That's my agenda- dunno what yours is but it seems highly negative and actually rather confrontational.

GamoraStarlord · 30/03/2015 15:12

But he is not just acting jealous he is using threats of leaving her to cool ntrol her. If he wanted to leave her he would have just left would he not? I have been jealous in my life before. I bet most people have. It is a horrible emotion and it is one that is very easy to recognise in yourself. If he was that bothered about their actual relationship he could do something about it

GamoraStarlord · 30/03/2015 15:14

Op just for the record I was not necessarily advocting ltb! I was just pointing out that this is not 1950 and that you know in your heart what it is really like and it is your decision. Good luck.

pinkfrocks · 30/03/2015 15:27

Leaving at the first hint of trouble- a month of this, so that might be 4 nights out- is one answer. Working at it and talking about it to help maintain a stable home for the children is another.
I've been married over 30 years. Both of us could have left many times due to all kinds of arguments. We tried to find a solution because we wanted to keep the family together. Yes, if there had been abuse, violence or bullying etc it would have been different and a no-brainer- but you don't break up over a disagreement over something like this UNLESS there is a lot more too it.

OP if you want to leave, then leave. You know what you want to do and it's clear you don't want to try to find a solution, because you are not at all willing to consider talking or asking him to talk to someone. so just separate.

Cherryapple1 · 30/03/2015 16:19

OP - I guess he has been treating you badly for a long time - this is about way more than a few nights out. And if he is abusive and/or controlling joint counselling is never recommended anyway.

You are perfectly entitled to leave if you wish to. You most certainly should not stay together for the sake of the children.

Original poster

foamybeep · 30/03/2015 16:41

Cherryapple thank u. Yes it's been going on a while... Not over this but varying things.. Like I say I January he left because I was unsupportive because I thought he was in the wrong. There has been other times that he had gone put and come back.... Difference is back then I just cried and begged him to stay. Recently I've been stronger and haven't done that I've just said go.

I don't feel I'm the one at fault. I guess if we did try how long before we get here again? before he's leaving over something else? It will be high for a bit then all lows again.... What will he make me feel shit about next time? X

OP posts:

pinkfrocks · 30/03/2015 16:57

Maybe you don't love him. There is no hint of you saying you love him and want to make it work. This is not having a go at you- just pointing out the obvious from your posts. The way he flounces out and leaves- where does he go?- is basically very immature behaviour from a man who has 2 kids to consider. He sounds more like a teenager than a man in his 30s.

It's up to you whether you think anything can be changed. But it sounds as if you aren't bothered about maintaining the relationship.

MatildaTheCat · 30/03/2015 17:22

You sound very trapped in domestic life. No wonder you need a break from it. Have you considered going back to work, even part time? It would give you more independence financially and emotionally. It is hard to work out from your posts what you do actually want.the relationship doesn't sound healthy but possibly not terminal either. I agree about counselling and possibly a trial separation.

Sadly your DH doesn't seem to get the fact that his possessiveness is actually driving you away. Saying out loud he doesn't trust you is, indeed very insulting. Out of interest does he call you multiple times a day to see what you are doing?

AnyFucker · 30/03/2015 17:25

if my husband threatened to leave me over a matter of control like this one, I would show him the door and wave him off

there is no other response to "I am leaving" followed by "oh no, I am not leaving but you must do as I say first" that is appropriate unless you accept you will always do what The Boss tells you

fuck that

Angleshades · 30/03/2015 17:46

Op it does sound like you have changed but that's a good thing. If you were crying and begging your dh to stay before it's great that you are now able to say 'off you go then' when he uses emotional blackmail and threatens to leave. It sounds like you've played him at his own game, he's lost his control over you and he doesn't like it.

There is no reason at all for you to feel guilty or to be told you're wrong for having one night out a week with the girls when the kids are in bed. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

It's up to you if you want to continue in your relationship. A trial separation might be a good thing for you but how do you think it would affect your partner? Do you think he might become difficult? It sounds like he's quite controlling already so let's hope it doesn't escalate if he feels his control is slipping away.

There is no point in staying in an empty marriage for the sake of the children as it will only damage them later on. You are there to set an example to your children and putting up with controlling behaviour for the sake of keeping a marriage going gives the wrong message to them. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

championnibbler · 30/03/2015 18:09

he's VERY controlling isn't he?
and emotionally abusive.
kick him out and NEVER take him back.
he will only get worse not better if you let him stay.
please get rid of him.

frankbough · 30/03/2015 19:05

It's a shame pin frocks is the ONLY poster trying to give out any sound advice...
You both need to behave in a manner that is mutually respectful.. Neither of you is doing that...
Marriage usually has unforeseen events that can cause marital stress, this one seems like the stress is being created internally by two people behaving in an immature unloving manner.. It can be solved but only if you both want it to...

AnyFucker · 30/03/2015 19:45

frank, do you think it is "not respectful" for a mother to socialise outside of the home

do you think it is "not respectful" to disobey your husband ?

should a stay at home mother devote every single waking moment to servicing her husband and children ?

Timetoask · 30/03/2015 19:58

If you both want to save your marriage then it is definitely doable. You mustn't allow him to control your life but you need to find the way of explaining your point of view (I couldn't advice how because it depends very much on how you communists, etc)
You have two young children you owe it to them to try and make your marriage work

AnyFucker · 30/03/2015 20:00

she tried already

he responded by threatening to leave her if she doesn't do as she is told

not much to work with there

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