Problem with DP

[fedupwithbeingill1970]

Hi,

Have NC for this as he reads my posts.

I went to a wedding with my partner recently and we were drinking free booze all day and all evening.

At about 9pm I was worse for wear and took myself quietly off to our hotel room and passed out on the bed drunk.

Later my partner came in and I was woken up by my bag crashing against the wall because he threw it across the room in a temper.

I don't remember much about what he said that night but the next morning he called me the following:

A scrounger
A cun*lodger (his female equivalent to cocklodger, which by the way, he finds offensive and "manhating")
A f*king drunken slag who loves sucking men's c*ks
A fking disgrace who he does not wish to be seen in public with again
Trash
A headfk who he should get rid of

With hindsight I should have left and travelled back home on public transport but I had friends coming to stay and I figured that the fastest way to get home to meet them would be to just go home with him in his car, as I don't drive.

And because I was so stunned at this outburst I honestly didn't know what to say or how to respond.

He is about 500 times wealthier than I am but I frequently offer to pay for rounds of drinks and take him out and pay for the odd meal to show him I appreciate him. He told me I am the only woman he has met in a long time who offers to pay for things and that he has in the past attracted gold-diggers.

I don't particularly enjoy carrying out the aforementioned sex act either, I just pretend to So at least that must have worked!

I have brought up the "scrounging drunken slag" issue and said I'd like to discuss it, but he's said "Can we discuss it some other time, not now?", to which I've acquiesced.

However, the subject came up again yesterday and the discussion became heated and he stormed off in a huff. then he rang me a short time later to say he wanted to come back round to get his things out of my flat and I said "Okay".

So I wrote the following on a piece of paper and put it in his toiletry bag:

Ah, now let me just edit a part of your post there...

'Yet, when I listen to his voice on voicemail, he's busting a gut to make sure it sounds the way it used to be when we first met- pretending, acting the part of someone capable of being caring and loving, which is exactly how he hooked me in the first place. It does make me waver; which is exactly what it's designed to do, something he's probably had practice at as I'm sure I'm not the first person who's run a mile from him and had this treatment and wonder if there is some way this can be fixed; wonder if maybe he is willing to change - but even saying that out loud makes me realise how crazy it is - to settle for someone who would have to have a complete personality transplant to even qualify as a normal human being, rather than simply waiting for someone who genuinely IS normal, loving, and balanced.

Ah sorry forgot to say - Keep on going. You're doing great. And resist the temptation to SHOW HIM in some way that he's all wrong, wrong about you, the relationship, etc. You might as well try and scream at a rabid dog for not being sensible and kind. He is sub-human: he won't understand and it doesn't matter - he isn't worth any effort, what his non-brain 'thinks' isn't of any worth.

Typical abuser mentality - you attempt to show him what he's doing and he takes and twists the information too his own ends. "Must not make her think abuser, must be all out lovely for months!"

Lundy Bancroft says if an abuser looks in the mirror and sees a dirty face, he sets about to clean the mirror. Insightful man, that. You will never get him to see himself for what he is.

You're doing really well. Keep on listening more to your BFF than him and all will be well.

You had a lucky escape, OP. A lot of abusive types wait until you're more settled in a relationship before showing their true colours - it is common for them to wait until you're living with them/pregnant/married. Escape is much harder when you have invested more in the relationship.

He has said stuff that can never be unsaid, a line has been crossed.

Never be the person who allows anyone to treat them that way. Ever.

It's okay to miss the good part, but the good part wasn't real. He doesn't love you. He loves himself. Highly recommend 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.

Thanks for these thoughts everyone - they are keeping me on track.

I was wavering yesterday - and today - after he left the voicemail and then yesterday emailed me asking me if I wanted to see a band with him that we've both seen before and enjoyed.

The possibility of doing that went through my head, and I realised I do miss him. The good times, that is, not all the crap.

But instead I wrote back saying that there would be no point, because everything would be good for a few weeks and then it would be back to the tension and rows. Nothing would have changed.

I also went through the list of abusive names that he called me, explaining why each thing he'd said was so hurtful and destructive, and I ended the email by saying that there was no coming back from this.

I totally agree with the PP who said that a line has been crossed and what was said cannot be unsaid.

I also agree with the PP who says he sounds narcissistic.

I agree too, with the PP who said that trying to reason with him or put my case across was entirely pointless and that it would be like trying to get a rabid dog to be a good dog (or whatever, can't remember the exact wording).

So why did I write it all down and send it to him? Because it helps to get the thoughts out of my head and to see the reality of what happened in black and white. And because I then have a written record of it. It reinforces my anger at the way I've been treated for a long time, but also because I had become used to it and had normalised it.

It took my BFF (who he is always slagging off) and my sister (who he hates) to make me see that I was being abused.

All of what's been posted so far is extremely helpful and I want to say thank you to everyone.

Hi OP,

It is hard not to wobble in your situation. Been there and it is hard, even if you know you are doing the right thing.

Just to reinforce you a little - it is highly significant that he is 'always slagging off' your BFF, or 'hates' your sister. This is what abusers do - try to isolate you from sources of support. They hate the fact that you have these poeple, people who are likely to object to his treatment of you and or stand up for you. My XH used to slag off my friends, tried to turn me against my sibling etc etc. If at any point I had a moan (as you do) about something a friend had done or said, he would jump on it immediately and escalate in order to build wholesale character assassination as if that person did not deserve to exist! To which I would say 'er, that's not what I meant.' He used every opportunity to slag off any of my friends, and would often say things like 'You've got too many friends' 'They exploit you' 'They're not bothered about you, they just want some nice food etc etc'.

I ditched him and kept my lovely friends - who actually cared about me.

In future try not to engage with him, if he contacts you just ignore it.

If you feel it helps to write things down to clear your head or keep a record of your feelings, do that in a journal rather than in a letter sent to him.

Whatever you say to him will not change him, telling him how much he hurt you will simply feed his ability to hurt you more next time, and prove to him how much control he had over your feelings.

Your mantra should be "Ignore ignore and then ignore some more".

That sounds a great email to send, very therapeutic! Just be aware that he will read it only as a way to keep a conversation going, so don't be drawn in to further contact. Best to go out with a bang in any case!

to a brighter future for you, fed.

I just want to thank the posters on this site who recommended the Lundy Bancroft book, Why Does He Do That?

It is BRILLIANT and has totally opened my eyes.

I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship - it took my BFF to tell me, and even then I didn't fully appreciate how much that was true. That was only the beginnings of my realisation.

Then I posted on here and more of what people posted started to sink in, and some recommended the Bancroft book, which I have been devouring reading over the past few nights.

It was while going through the section on how children learn abusive attitudes that I realised. I grew up watching my stepfather emotionally abusing and physically intimidating my mother, although I never saw him hit her, though I know he used to coerce her into sex because of something she told me - today that would constitute rape. I didn't recognise my ex DP's tantrums and outbursts and controlling behaviour as abuse, but as normal behaviour because of what I witnessed growing up.

I grew up in a house listening to my SF's yelling and screaming and threats, and regularly seeing him go up to my mother and scream into her face, their faces inches apart, his face red, eyes bulging, veins standing out. Sometimes he would do this and raise his fist and shake it right in front of her face... always with us kids watching in fear and silence. And my mother cowering. My poor, beautiful mother, who struggled so much with her mental health, not surprisingly.

So I grew up thinking all this was normal. No wonder this man clings to me and begs for another chance. Because he had a comfort level with me that other (healthier) women would not allow him. Because I didn't know any better or any different.

I haven't seen him for over a month now and I am enjoying being my own person. Seeing friends when I want to, without histrionics from him, even being able to speak to them on the phone without sulks or sarcastic remarks. Being able to watch what I want on TV. Not being sleep deprived because he is pestering me for sex constantly at all hours.

Bancroft says that most abusers don't change - they are too invested in the privileges gained through abusing their partners. And this too is invaluable advice. I don't have to waste my energy trying to persuade him to change, because statistically, it's highly unlikely.

But thanks so much to everyone here for their indispensable advice. Thank God for Mumsnet!

Oh dear - sorry about these multiple posts. My on-its-last-legs computer froze and I kept hitting "Post"... then thought I had cancelled the operation because I went back a page.

Jeez.... Sorreeee!

What's that saying about the definition of madness: trying the same thing over and expecting a different result?

Glad to read your update and that you got the Lundy book.

I have it too...

You could probably ask MN to delete your extra posts. (I think by clicking on Report).

Fantastic update, so glad to see you had a lightbulb moment.

Hey, that's great news! Wishing you happiness in your fuckwit-free life.

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? There are lots of flavours of abuse - you are recognising the types you have experienced, but you don't want to fall in the future for a different sort of abuse. Get on a course near you - do it in real life rather than online if you can. It's invaluable.

Brilliant! well done op !

Well done OP.

Thanks to you all for your support.

Charlotte, I will have a look at the Freedom Programme. Thanks!