Hi MN-ers.
Just posting here again after this incident a couple of weeks ago, really just to express my thoughts and reinforce my resolve. This is really quite boring and I am not seeking advice, just wanting to get my thoughts down.
I haven't spoken to him since I posted this message, and texted him quite a while ago now (it seems) to say that it was over and that I had been unhappy in the relationship for a while because of his angry outbursts.
I said that he had an anger problem, to which he replied: "So do you sometimes, sweetheart."
I replied: "Yes, but I am the only one who wants an end to this craziness."
I do have a temper, but I am trying hard to change, and actually feel I am changing, having come to the conclusion that anger achieves nothing. His anger, on the other hand, is pretty much constant and he sees no benefit in trying to overcome it or keep a lid on it.
Without him I can be myself. I can see my friends without having to "consult him". He stormed off the first time that weekend when this all kicked off because I spent 20 mins on the phone to my friend.
He is angry about everything: middle-class lefties; "thick northerners"; controlling women: Mumsnet and its "bitter, man-hating harridans" Ed Miliband and Labour; Labour fuc*ing up the country; (I am a northern, left-of-centre Mumsnet fan); the urban underclass- also referred to as "pikeys" - (Oh, I am Trash too); his mother; my sister and the way she treats her daughter (which is none of his business) the "lying slag" of a mother of his own daughter; his previous two girlfriends .... the list is endless.
We went on a country walk a few months ago and he started ranting and raving because it was muddy and I hadn't brought spare shoes and his car would get messed up because of my muddy boots.
Then when my sister and her friend stayed over and came home drunk he went nuts and threatened to storm out of my flat. God knows why but I pacified him and got him to come back to bed. I wish I had let him go!
Then when he asked me if I wanted to go to Sainsburys and I dithered, said No, then when we'd driven past the turn-off, decided I did after all. He went mad then too. But I suppose I can understand that.
In response to his daily efforts to contact me, I sent him an email saying that I recognised I was in an abusive relationship because I read about it on the Women's Aid website, and that his "niceness" in trying to win me back was all part and parcel of the abuse cycle. Since I wrote that, he's been all sweetness and light in his continued efforts to communicate with me. Thus confirming what the Women's Aid website said.
He has left me tearful voicemails, sent vomit-inducing song lyrics, begged me to see him "to talk, even if we end up splitting up". It is all "darling, sweetheart, Caroline" (not my real name). A far cry from Cutlodger, scrounge,r, fucing drunken slag who loves sucking men's ccks, Trash and a fucing disgrace who he does not wish to be seen in public with ever again.
I feel detached now. Sane. As though I can breathe and be myself. Much, much saner, in fact.
Yet, when I listen to his voice on voicemail, it is the way it used to be when we first met- caring and loving. It does make me waver; and wonder if there is some way this can be fixed; wonder if maybe he is willing to change.
And then I go back to remembering "Cunlodger, scrounger, Trash, a fucing disgrace.." etc. His ranting and temper tantrums, which come out of nowhere. The fact my sisters and BFF don't like him. The fact that I worry about involving him in my social life in case he kicks off.... that his volatility will ruin things.
Sorry for this long, boring and directionless post. It just helps me to write it all down. Thanks for listening.
