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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Problem with DP

98 replies

fedupwithbeingill1970 · 29/03/2015 18:23

Hi,

Have NC for this as he reads my posts.

I went to a wedding with my partner recently and we were drinking free booze all day and all evening.

At about 9pm I was worse for wear and took myself quietly off to our hotel room and passed out on the bed drunk.

Later my partner came in and I was woken up by my bag crashing against the wall because he threw it across the room in a temper.

I don't remember much about what he said that night but the next morning he called me the following:

A scrounger
A cun*lodger (his female equivalent to cocklodger, which by the way, he finds offensive and "manhating")
A f*king drunken slag who loves sucking men's c*ks
A fking disgrace who he does not wish to be seen in public with again
Trash
A headfk who he should get rid of

With hindsight I should have left and travelled back home on public transport but I had friends coming to stay and I figured that the fastest way to get home to meet them would be to just go home with him in his car, as I don't drive.

And because I was so stunned at this outburst I honestly didn't know what to say or how to respond.

He is about 500 times wealthier than I am but I frequently offer to pay for rounds of drinks and take him out and pay for the odd meal to show him I appreciate him. He told me I am the only woman he has met in a long time who offers to pay for things and that he has in the past attracted gold-diggers.

I don't particularly enjoy carrying out the aforementioned sex act either, I just pretend to Blush So at least that must have worked! Wink

I have brought up the "scrounging drunken slag" issue and said I'd like to discuss it, but he's said "Can we discuss it some other time, not now?", to which I've acquiesced.

However, the subject came up again yesterday and the discussion became heated and he stormed off in a huff. then he rang me a short time later to say he wanted to come back round to get his things out of my flat and I said "Okay".

So I wrote the following on a piece of paper and put it in his toiletry bag:

OP posts:
RummidgeGeneral · 29/03/2015 19:00

No need to answer it.

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum · 29/03/2015 19:00

Don't answer. You owe him nothing. Let him go now. He has done this. You have the chance to end this awful relationship, please take it.

BIWI · 29/03/2015 19:03

I hope you haven't answered the door ... Hmm

CMOTGilbertBlythe · 29/03/2015 19:06

Don't let him hoover you back in.

You sound like you have your head screwed on, and so does your BFF.

He on the other hand sounds like a textbook Lundy Bancroft case.

Original poster
fedupwithbeingill1970 · 29/03/2015 19:08

He's going. I didn't answer the door but I answered my phone when he rang it.

I told him I didn't want to let him in as I am ill and need peace and quiet and not drama. I said that if I let him in he wouldn't leave.

He said: "but I've been helping to look after you. I want to take you to the doctor tomorrow."

I said "I can take myself to the doctor."

He said: "But I'm getting rained on here."

I said: "Well sit in your car then."

Him: "if I'm going to sit in my car I might as well go home. Please open the door. I'm sorry. I've got over the shock of the note. I probably deserved it because of the things I said. Come on love, I've come all the way over here."

Me: "Well you shouldn't have. I'm sorry but I don't want to let you in. I'm ill and need rest and peace, not drama. Please go home."

He has gone because the doorbell has stopped ringing.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 29/03/2015 19:10

Good for you!!! And I'm so glad you have that BFF; she's very smart about guys.... please keep talking to her. You will be just fine without this poor excuse for a man.

minkGrundy · 29/03/2015 19:10

Well done OP.

YokoUhOh · 29/03/2015 19:12

'I've got over the shock of the note'.

Phew, well that's okay then, I for one wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight knowing that he was still in shock from the awful note you left him reporting verbatim what he'd shouted at you

I hope you're feeling better, OP, and that he leaves you alone now.

BathtimeFunkster · 29/03/2015 19:13

Well done!

He's right about MN, it is full of women who hate shite men like him.

Your BFF sounds fab, BTW.

Original poster
fedupwithbeingill1970 · 29/03/2015 19:15

Thanks for being there for me. My BFF is like family to me. We were school friends. I love her.

OP posts:
LIZS · 29/03/2015 19:16

Do you have any stuff of his? Bag it up and put outside, text him when you go out tomorrow and ask him to collect.

LIZS · 29/03/2015 19:16

Do you have any stuff of his? Bag it up and put outside, text him when you go out tomorrow and ask him to collect.

googoodolly · 29/03/2015 19:16

You need to send him a text and say you're done with this relationship and want to stop contact, and that any other communication from him will result in you phoning the police. Do so, and they'll send someone to speak to him.

If he continues, he could get into a lot more trouble, so it's well worth logging, even if he does leave you alone.

You're worth more Flowers

Original poster
fedupwithbeingill1970 · 29/03/2015 19:17

Grin at YokoUhso

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithbeingill1970 · 29/03/2015 19:19

I don't have any of his stuff here, no. He took it earlier when he stormed out Grin

Thanks everyone for your support.
Flowers Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
fedupwithbeingill1970 · 29/03/2015 19:22

I asked him to leave my flat once, not that long ago, when he was yelling at me and waving his arms - a scary sight as he is a very tall, well-built former rugby player. When he carried on shouting I threatened to call the police.

But I was the bad person for doing that too.
"What, you would call the police on me? You threatened me with the police? I can't believe you did that to a law-abiding citizen."

I told him it was because I was afraid, but I was still a bad person for "threatening him with the police".

OP posts:
SabrinnaOfDystopia · 29/03/2015 19:35

Wow. OP, I have lost count of the times I have had too much to drink, and taken myself off and fallen asleep - in fact, if it's my own bed, or my own hotel room, that's a relief Blush

If my dh had ever said any of those things to me, I don't think I'd have given him a second chance. In fact, my dh would never say those things about anyone becaise they are horrible and misogynistic things to say. He obviously has a very dim view of women, and he would have to deal with this- genuinely deal with it- before he got a second chance with me. I also don't like what you say about his anger, waving his arms about etc - red flags to me. No matter how rich he is.

AnyFucker · 29/03/2015 19:49

I hope you reject any further overtures from him

This man is an abusive cunt, and yes mumsnet doesn't like them much

listen to your friend, she has it right

unfortunately if you keep taking him back those good friends who have your best interests at heart will drift away so you would just be left with his poison dripping in your ear

imagine that. ...

CoffeeBeanie · 29/03/2015 20:01

Lovely friend, listen to her.

Is is a very rare opportunity to get rid of someone nasty very easily. You don't share living space, his stuff is gone.

The fact he called you a bad person for being afraid of him speaks volumes.

Never let him in again, or give him any space in your life.

TBH, I think you need to do a bit of soul searching why you even have to question the fact he is abusive, after the verbal abuse on that night at the wedding.
I don't think I would ever be able to forget a list that long. Not exactly one cross word in anger, is it.

My DH would also have made sure I was ok, tucked me in and rejoined the party. only it would be him in that bed and me partying until morning

You've dodged a bullet.

CharlotteCollins · 29/03/2015 20:02

Be prepared for round two, OP. He's not likely to give up that easily.

You may well have to actually make the call to the police this time.

CoffeeBeanie · 29/03/2015 20:06

Oh, and please tell him you don't want to see him again. Don't hide behind excuses - being ill - as he will need being told loud and clear, preferably somewhere public where you are not alone.

I think there are so many red flags about him he should be covered in bunting.

littlehouseinthebigwoods · 29/03/2015 20:12

Op I wish all women had a bff like yours.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 29/03/2015 20:23

He's an emotionally abusive, miogynist cunt. Just DTMFA.

minkGrundy · 29/03/2015 22:06

Of course he thinks you were wrong to threaten him with the police.
Because he thinks he is entitled to treat you like that and he thinks you should put up and shut up.

entitled twat.

He is wrong and sounds horribly like my horrible x

Original poster
fedupwithbeingill1970 · 29/03/2015 23:03

He has texted me saying "I love you utterly and conpletely," - an interesting Freudian slip - "I'm sorry if my words, actions or behaviour don't always prove or indicate that."

Same old, same old. Thinks the L word is like a sticking plaster and makes everything allright.

OP posts:
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