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Original poster

Would this make you uncomfortable?

73 replies

Natash07 · 28/03/2015 05:41

I am dating a man who said the following to me. He said, "when we move to Singapore together I know this amazing nanny we could hire, she's a excellent cook , great with the kids etc, she used to work for me"... So I say ok. Then he carries on to tell me that he used to find her very hot and sexy and that she wore skimpy clothes and he used to masturbate thinking of her! ...He was a single dad at the time.

I feel uncomfortable about here being in our house now that I know that. Although I was happy that he was honest. He says nothing would ever happen, cause he's not like that etc, He's in a committed relationship and could never cheat etc...But still I feel uncomfortable. He would be constantly checking her out everyday, right? Isn't that putting temptation in his way?

Also hes likes to hang art of naked ( top half) sketches of women and sculptures of women in the house. I dont like that, Would you mind?

And finally he likes to say so so is hot and so so is gorgeous ...again it makes me uncomfortable.Its people we see regularly. I wont do that, I wouldn't say that guy was so handsome, I would think it maybe but i wouldn't say it. Especially if he is friend or work colleague of his.

He says,....its cause in my marriage, my ex husband cheated on me...so im extra sensitive..Am I? Confused

OP posts:
TurnOverTheTv · 28/03/2015 05:44

No it's not you. Telling you he wanked over his nanny? Just awful.

Yarp · 28/03/2015 05:47

he sounds like a dick. Sorry.

MajesticWhine · 28/03/2015 05:48

Re the woman he wants to hire yes I would mind. But about the other things no I wouldn't. I would sometimes say if someone is hot. And I don't particularly mind if my H says it too. But I think that is more ok in a very long term relationship. And I wouldn't particularly object to nude paintings. But if you don't like it that is perfectly valid. You are entitled to your say about these things. It's not being over sensitive I guess it's just a different point of view.

Aussiemum78 · 28/03/2015 06:04

He sounds a bit creepy. There's nothing wrong with looking but he sounds like the sleazy leering type.

And what's with trying to make you feel like something's wrong with you because you don't like hearing he wanks over his nanny?

LittleRedDinosaur · 28/03/2015 06:04

Yup wanking over the nanny is gross.

Aussiemum78 · 28/03/2015 06:06

For reference my dp would say "blah is a pretty girl" or "blah is great looking" and I'm fine with that. That's normal.

LittleRedDinosaur · 28/03/2015 06:07

Sorry posted too soon. I'd find it too much to have the nanny around after that. Would she be living with you?!
I don't think you're being sensitive, I wouldn't like it either

jaynebxl · 28/03/2015 06:29

Does he tell you how hot you are?
I had a male friends once who seemed to think every woman was beautiful. Actually it was very non creepy and non sexual, he just genuinely seemed to find women on general beautiful. But when he met his now wife he would say it even more to her. It would have been very weird if he said it to or about everyone else but not his partner.

jaynebxl · 28/03/2015 06:29

And there's no way I'd agree to hiring that nanny. That would be utterly disrespectful to you.

Vivacia · 28/03/2015 06:33

Hang on! You're only seeing each other and he's talking about moving to Singapore, having children and a nanny (he fancies)??

I think he's manipulating you with all of the, "Oh, it's because your ex made a fool out of you that you're having these stupid opinions". Not often I say this, but I'd seriously stop seeing this man.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/03/2015 07:04

He is definitely paving the ground for inappropriate sexual behaviour : he's already blaming you for being "over-sensitive" because of your past. While making inappropriate and creepy comments about another woman.

And hang on: do you want to move to Singapore? That's pretty big move. And it sounds like it's a move that suits him, returning to his own old stomping grounds. What about you? What would you be leaving behind, and what would there be for you, in terms of good job, or social ties...? Is this really something you want to do?

Letmejustsaythis · 28/03/2015 07:08

How long have you been together?
Why are you moving to Singapore?
Whose children is he referring to?

AlternativeTentacles · 28/03/2015 07:50

If someone is making you uncomfortable, I recommend not moving to Singapore with them.

Cabrinha · 28/03/2015 07:52

He wouldn't make me feel incomfortable, he'd make me feel single!

What a total cock.

LadyBlaBlah · 28/03/2015 08:03

As you probably won't finish with him right now (it's hard etc) please start doing the same to him as a little experiment (" gawwwwd he is seriously hot. The things I'd do to him" etc)

I predict he's the sort who has massive double standards and therefore is not a 'good prospect'.

Original poster
Natash07 · 28/03/2015 08:10

Wow...I didnt realise so many women would agree with me...i thought i was being too sensitive.
I think its a bit like what Janebxl said....he finds women attractive in general and says it to me alot too so, maybe him saying so so is hot and gorgeous is not such a big issue.

Yes we have been seeing each other for a long time, almost a year...and between us we have two ex marriages and 5 children. I have two boys and he has 2 girls and a boy. He is 15 years older than me. We both want to move to Singapore, and want the lifestyle etc. It was a mutual decision.

The wanking over the nanny thing. Don"t men do that alot masturbate over women they fantasise. He just told me, other men may not right?

The main issue I felt bad about what that he still feels its ok to hire her. I find that disrespectful. He doesnt see it. He says ok if makes you uncomfortable?!!! Why cant he see it? What if it were reversed. Im bit worried..what if hes turns out to be pervet..

OP posts:
CaptainHolt · 28/03/2015 08:11

The nanny thing is creepy as fuck and massively disrespectful to both you and her. I can't think of any circumstances where it would be OK to use the help as wank fodder and telling you about it shows that he is either unaware of your feelings, or unconcerned, or he's letting you know that he expects you to be in a permanent state of of sexual availability because if you aren't he has the perfect woman on standby.

You don't have to have been cheated on to think that a creepy letch is a creepy letch.

CaptainHolt · 28/03/2015 08:26

It's one thing to fantasise about someone you find attractive and quite another to wank off while thinking about an employee, and then tell your partner, and then bring the object of your fantasies into your home. We are also not talking about some distant figure, but an actual human being within touching distance who has the right to work in an environment where she isn't letched over (or will he manage to behave professionally around her?).

Maybe she won't come running when he clicks his fingers. Is he sure she wants to be cook and nanny for a family of 7 where the Dad thinks it's OK to objectify her. Maybe he thinks she should be grateful, or that he can click his fingers and she will run. Or maybe he's like a kid, fantasising about life when he grows up and can live with his best friend and drink ribena in the bedroom, except it's fucking the nanny instead of drinking ribena.

crimsonh · 28/03/2015 08:31

Dating someone for 1 year is not "a long time".

In my experience he is fantasist and would (or would not) want to live those fantasies.

I would encourage him to talk about his fantasies and see how far he goes. Does he want to include you in them etc

But in general I would not move in with my kids abroad with someone whose ideas I find uncomfortable.
He may be harmless but then he may not. He is IMHO testing your boundaries.

Only1scoop · 28/03/2015 08:31

Blimey I thought you were married just re read.

'Dating' a guy and him talking about my moving countries and hiring a nanny he has or had a penchant for wanking over ....not literally....well who knows....

I'd see a few erm....red flags.

The nude art wouldn't bother me.

alphabook · 28/03/2015 08:32

He sounds creepy. Less than a year isn't a long enough relationship to consider emigrating with your children IMO.

AlternativeTentacles · 28/03/2015 08:32

he finds women attractive in general

I think you will find women AND men find people attractive in general. They do not however behave like this.

what if hes turns out to be pervert

What this is about is you taking in information about a person and processing it. If you choose to ignore what you are seeing and hearing, then that is your lookout.

You find this behaviour uncomfortable. Simple - don't move to Singapore with him.

wideboy26 · 28/03/2015 08:34

And I'd be wary of the age difference. You might be seen as some sort of trophy wife for all you know. See the thread entitled 'Decision made' for an example of what can happen to trophy wives. This man is not showing great consideration for your feelings which I would see as a red flag.

blueberrypie0112 · 28/03/2015 08:43

Get rid of him. He wants you use to a nanny who he finds very sexy. Does he want to ruin his relationship with you? Apparently, he doesn't care except his own dick.

jaynebxl · 28/03/2015 08:54

The Singapore move is huge and would leave you potentially isolated if things went tits up. Have you already been there and got friends there? Is it where he is from or something? If he is from there and you're not that would again out you at a disadvantage.