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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would this make you uncomfortable?

73 replies

Natash07 · 28/03/2015 05:41

I am dating a man who said the following to me. He said, "when we move to Singapore together I know this amazing nanny we could hire, she's a excellent cook , great with the kids etc, she used to work for me"... So I say ok. Then he carries on to tell me that he used to find her very hot and sexy and that she wore skimpy clothes and he used to masturbate thinking of her! ...He was a single dad at the time.

I feel uncomfortable about here being in our house now that I know that. Although I was happy that he was honest. He says nothing would ever happen, cause he's not like that etc, He's in a committed relationship and could never cheat etc...But still I feel uncomfortable. He would be constantly checking her out everyday, right? Isn't that putting temptation in his way?

Also hes likes to hang art of naked ( top half) sketches of women and sculptures of women in the house. I dont like that, Would you mind?

And finally he likes to say so so is hot and so so is gorgeous ...again it makes me uncomfortable.Its people we see regularly. I wont do that, I wouldn't say that guy was so handsome, I would think it maybe but i wouldn't say it. Especially if he is friend or work colleague of his.

He says,....its cause in my marriage, my ex husband cheated on me...so im extra sensitive..Am I?

OP posts:

Spadequeen · 28/03/2015 11:17

Run to the hills

LadyBlaBlah · 28/03/2015 11:24

Do you have co dependency tendencies?

It's just at my age, I couldn't be arsed with a guy who hasn't resolved his issues and still has low self esteem and inappropriateness. I think the only women who are interested in them are extreme nurturers/ fixers/ co dependence.

Cabrinha · 28/03/2015 13:04

Singapore is an unusual choice.
Why do you want to go there?
What do you want to move your kids there?
Do your kids have a father in their lives?

Sounds like a bad plan with or without the boyfriend who plainly plans to fuck the nanny.

blueberrypie0112 · 28/03/2015 13:15

It is great that he is honest, but plenty of guys are honest to test their boundaries (especially when they are grooming for certain type of sex). Run.

Dowser · 28/03/2015 13:30

Red flags galore here.

There isn't a man alive that I would uproot my kids for to some far flung place on his whim.

I think you are being very naive if you think this is going to work.

I think you are being groomed. Be very careful. You could end up in the sex slave trade yourself.

He's testing you out. setting you up.

I suspect an ulterior motive and I don't usually land very far from the truth.

I can smell bullshit miles away. Gawd. I lived with it for years!

alphabook · 28/03/2015 13:32

His bad childhood is a massive red flag - if he hasn't dealt with his issues by now then you will never change or fix him.

"He offends a lot of people"...so he's rude and inconsiderate, as well as sleazy. What do you actually see in him?

paxtecum · 28/03/2015 13:34

What is it about the HK life style that attracts you?

Or has he told you about the designer clothes, maids etc.

Would you be working there too?

Original poster

Natash07 · 28/03/2015 14:16

Yes I think i have some co dependency issues...not a great childhood myself. And yes it does sound crazy but its not as bad as it sounds. He talk like this all the time to everyone. I know it sounds like im making excuses for him and maybe I am.
He is very considerate and loving and the children like him. It is actually me that wants to move. I am not originally from UK and want to leave, i brought it up. He is actually quite comfortable here, and would be giving up his job
I have travelled and moved in many countries during my childhood as has he.

I would definitely be working there.

OP posts:

championnibbler · 28/03/2015 14:23

oh god - what a perv.
he's not normal - he's a sleaze.
run for the hills.

Christinayangstwistedsister · 28/03/2015 15:02

You can't just go to Singapore, you need to be employed and have your employer sponsor an employment pass

Christinayangstwistedsister · 28/03/2015 15:03

Did you also,know that the policy is now to offer all posts to locals firstly ...so I wouldn't be so sure that you would be working there

Twinklestein · 28/03/2015 15:10

If you're not from here and you want to move, then do so, just don't do it with a weird perv with no boundaries.

ImperialBlether · 28/03/2015 15:13

Christ, I don't think I've seen such a clear example of a loser in my life! What a man, OP! Can you really not see how awful he is? And you want him to live with your children? For god's sake get a grip, open your eyes and see him for what he is.

ImperialBlether · 28/03/2015 15:14

Sorry, I said that twice, but I still don't think you'll hear me.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 28/03/2015 15:16

Yes, you are making excuses for inexcusable behaviour.

what if hes turns out to be pervet.
He told you that he wanks over the nanny, an employee who cares for his children. He not only thinks there is nothing wrong with telling you but he is surprised at you being uncomfortable and can't see how he is being disrespectful.

How do you define "pervert"?

That behaviour screams pervert to me.

Where is your own self-respect?

FlabbyMummy · 28/03/2015 15:30

He has fallen into the trap of considering you his best fried and sharing too much, I don't want to know which of my friends that DH finds hot, he needs to save the "hot women" conversations for his guy friends. Otherwise your self esteem will suffer.

GlitteryLipgloss1 · 28/03/2015 15:36

Ewwww. He is testing you to see how much you will put up with. He sounds like a dirty old pervert!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/03/2015 15:48

Natash, it has not been mentioned yet, but you probably need to get a STI check.
The seemingly preoccupation with sex along with an obvious lack of boundaries leads me to think you are not the only person he has sex with. No matter how well you think you know him.

A year is nothing. My guess is he is letting slip a few tid bits of the real him so he can later say he told you before who he was.
Being alone (but you are not alone-you have your boys) is much better than being in such a degrading relationship....which will teach your boys a whole lot of wrong ways to treat women.

Original poster

Natash07 · 28/03/2015 16:52

Thank you ladies,
I have taken all your advice on board. I agree its creepy behaviour.I felt uncomfortable, and its a red flag.
I will not migrate to Singapore with him, and maybe I should get some counselling, cause i hear what you are saying and have felt the same, yet i'm still in this.

I feel i need him..which is unhealthy , its obvious i'm not in a good place. So that will my first step to get some help.
I will ask for some space.

OP posts:

Dowser · 28/03/2015 17:48

Wow!

Well doe op! It's rare a woman gets the message first time around. Well done for acting onit.

Lovingfreedom · 28/03/2015 18:16

Good luck OP! Put yourself and your children first! X

Mom2K · 28/03/2015 22:42

He is disgusting. I couldn't tolerate the constant objectification of women. And his complete lack of control. Yes it's normal to find other people attractive. But to constantly comment, fantasize, hang nude photos/sculptures in the home (especially with children around????!) is not.

Please go with your gut feelings. If you think he could be a pervert (and based on reading the original post alone, and nothing else - I would agree with your assessment) he probably is.

Pick a nice normal man who truly values women and can look at them as a person and not something to wank over.

Ew.

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