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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"Murdered by my boyfriend" is on BBC3 right now

105 replies

AnyFucker · 26/03/2015 21:05

Essential, if chilling, viewing if you haven't seen it.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 27/03/2015 07:20

Vernon Flowers

I've just read a BBC report this morning where a policeman has just been arrested for the murder of his wife. Is it any wonder that women are being failed at every turn (which happened in the RL case of Ashley and Reece) when those supposed to protect us are actually killing us Sad Angry.

turbonerd · 27/03/2015 07:53

I cant bring myself to watch the programme, it is very good that it is shown though. The startling thing is how much violence the perpetrator can justify. My ex totally justified the rapes and shoving and strangling too, and when the police got involved it turned out his family did too. In a 'Yes, it was wrong, but if he goes to prison it will be worse. Two wrongs dont make a right.' They actually Said that. It never ceases to surprise me.
And it seems this attitude is reflectedin mince's post. Trying to be charitable, yes it is awful with violence towards men aswell, that does not negate the fact it is important to inform about violence against women! It is so weird when threads get deliberately highjacked like that.
Sorry, not very coherent here, it makes me so cross that someone can try to silence something so important by making out that you dont treat it gender equal therefore it is invalid!

Guiltypleasures001 · 27/03/2015 08:05

My 16yr old ds was watching it in his room last night when I went to bed, I'm interested to hear what he says about it on the way too school in a while.

TheMoa · 27/03/2015 08:11

I saw this a while ago, and have never forgotten it.

I wish they'd put it on Netflix or something, I'd like to be able to show it to my children, but they are not quite old enough yet I think.

This happens everywhere.

To people who've never experienced violence, and are stunned into offering second chances; to people to are so used to violence that they expect it as par for the course; to people who are too ashamed to admit it could happen to them...

Men are generally physically stronger than women. That one simple fact explains all the stats.

No matter that 90% of men would never dream of acting like that, the 10% (or whatever % it actually is) have an innate physical 'advantage' and that's what gets people killed. Fear and force.

HermioneWeasley · 27/03/2015 08:23

Please stop responding to mince who is clearly here to goad and upset. If it is helpful to you to share your stories go ahead, but please don't feel you need to share your most traumatic moments for his benefit. Likely he's getting off on hearing it .

All rational people know this is a gendered issue. No need to post stats or share experiences. We believe you.

Namechangefortheday · 27/03/2015 08:29

Bloody hell vernon Flowers

ThatBloodyWoman · 27/03/2015 09:09

My friend was brutally murdered at the hands of a violent ex.
If this film could only give young women of this generation the knowledge that many young women of my generation didn't have.
I never knew the warning signs,not for others,nor myself.

VernonGodLittle · 27/03/2015 09:25

Thanks all you lovelies, Flowers back at ya!

As for police, when my sister was doing her training at Hendon, she was raped by an officer. She was dissuaded from pressing charges because she's "very attractive, was wearing a short skirt, and she flirted with him."

Arseholes.

VernonGodLittle · 27/03/2015 09:32

And then when their child walked in he had the presence of mind to tell her to go back to her room. Then finish off beating her mother to death.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 27/03/2015 09:42

I knew a woman who, as a child, saw her dad murder her mum. Her story was so heartbreaking. She and her sister were adopted by lawyers dealing with her case.

Her father was in prison for it, but he used to find ways to get at her - things like getting someone to phone her and say 'Your dad's looking forward to seeing you when he gets out of prison' and things like that. It was so sinister, it's frightening that there are men like that in world - but there are.

Mulligrubs · 27/03/2015 10:10

I had heard of this film before but last night was the first time I was able to watch it. It was so shocking. I have no experience of DV myself so for someone like me it's easy to say "why doesn't she just leave" so this highlighted the "why" extremely well. That poor woman and her poor little girl. I don't understand how someone could do this to another person.

dejarderoncar · 27/03/2015 11:44

In a sense, the world as we have known it up until know, and continuing now only to a slightly lesser degree, runs on and depends on the aggressive nature of men. 'Inappropriate' violence in the home or on the street is considered as collateral damage. But we're not supposed to say this.

I would like to see a world in which male tendencies to aggression are curbed from the start. That all boys are discouraged from 'rough and tumble', that every boy is educated about violent behaviour, not just the odd talk once a year, but as a weekly part of the school curriculum, through every year, tailored age appropriately.

In other words, put an enormous effort into stopping male violence before it becomes ingrained, before the testosterone kicks in, before the feelings of privilige and superiority kick in.

That we fund massive and ongoing advertising campaigns against all forms of violence, led by all those men out there that defensively say 'well it's not me, don't blame me' when subjects such as rape and DV arise. Just read the comments on the DMail or CiF. Fronted by the David Beckhams, Kanye Wests of this world, as basically the majority of y oung men don't listen to women.

We have failed with sticking plasters on afterwards, with ineffective policing, prison sentences, slap wrist courses for offenders - for some woman or man it's too late by then.

Tackle the problem at its roots.

Lweji · 27/03/2015 13:55

The film is on if anyone wants to share it.

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 16:28

I can't believe mincespy's comment about this programme being annoyingAngry
As a victim of many assaults myself by exp I could not watch the ending.

TwoNoisyBoys · 27/03/2015 17:24

I can't bring myself to watch it yet....I'm too scared to. A friend told me about it when she watched it last year and it brought back some dreadful memories ?? I really want to, but just not strong enough yet.....

CunningCat · 27/03/2015 17:44

I can empathise with thatFlowers

MyRightFoot · 27/03/2015 18:44

these men do not operate like normal men. my abuser studied me like an insect under a microscope. he learned all my secrets and flaws. he could predict how i would react in any given situatuon. i truly believed he could read my mind, it was so weird. he even said his mother was dying of stomach cancer to make m. feel sorry for him (my mum died of cancer). ive recently read up on borderline disorder and its him to a tee. statistics show around 60 per cent of abusers will have bpd. my response to 'why doesnt she leave? is ' why doesnt HE leave?

Effendi · 27/03/2015 20:04

I can't watch it, sounds very harrowing. In fact I haven't seen any DV on telly since I watched The Burning Bed years ago.
An ex P used to knock me about, strangling, shoving, slaps etc. Stayed for six years, his family minimised it. My family didn't know, I was so ashamed.

AnyFucker · 27/03/2015 20:09

The shame was not yours Thanks

OP posts:
Summerbreezer · 28/03/2015 08:00

I remember the real case upon which this drama is based. The actors are trying to mimic (with varying success) my local accent.

The police force in question were heavily criticised after this murder, and understandably so. It is a constant battle in the criminal justice system to know how to deal with domestic violence cases. How far do you push a case if the complainant is unwilling to proceed?

GratefulHead · 28/03/2015 08:07

I saw this last year, as I recall the two actors needed to talk out the role after filming as it was so shocking for both of them to see how the relationship developed. They had obviously read in detail about the real life case.

One of the things that I thought very good was the wY it highlighted violence among young people and their attitudes to violence. Some of them seem to see violence as normal which is shocking

Effendi · 28/03/2015 11:18

Thanks AF.
It changed me, I don't take ANY crap now.

Fireirons · 28/03/2015 20:47

I name changed to start a thread and was sidelined by this thread. I will name change back after this post (been on here for years and have been cuddly and nice).

I married a very gentle floppy haired guy who got a double first at a top university.

He got offered the chance to do a funded Phd and took it. It was a study into sex offenders and paedophiles.

My gentle floppy haired husband changed within two years of starting work within prisons from trying through his research to 'understand' the perpetuators to becoming a cold hard someone I could not reach.

He could 'spot' a paedophile at 30 yards from two minutes observation.
He opened up a few times and told me vaguely about some of his cases (without naming them) and said 'I would shoot all of them'. Shock

Like I said he told me 'vague' details. If the job changed him that much what the hell did the children go through?

That job didn't just end our marriage. It sucked out his very soul.

Yarp · 28/03/2015 20:51

This programme is vital viewing for girls - to see how the drip-drip of abuse happens

MadameJosephine · 28/03/2015 21:52

Just finished watching it on iplayer after reading this thread. Even though I knew how it was going to end I'm still sat here shocked and in tears. Im almost lost for words, what a fucking awful thing to happen, that poor woman, that poor little girl and this is happening now, tonight to someone, somewhere, I feel so helpless to stop it.

Totally agree that this should be compulsory viewing in schools.

Thankfully I got out of my marriage before my XH got to the point of physical violence and I thank my lucky stars every day that I did