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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me or him?

68 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 19:41

Posted on here before regarding a problem that my adult son causes in my DH and mines marriage. So we been married for 3 years, together for 5. No other children. We've always argued / bickered a fair bit and fall out but we're quite similar so we've grown to live with that and the good times out weigh the bad. However sometimes when we argue, I just think I actually don't think I've done anything wrong and my DH is being over the top. That's happened tonight. I came home, DH was cooking our tea, I started doing a few dishes in the sink whilst he cooked. He came up to the side of me and started talking, I carried on with dishes, I was listening but didn't turn around. He said I'm talking to you, I said I know (to be fair I probably snapped back a little). Anyway he said he likes me to look at him when he talks as its basic manners, I don't think this is necessary. Some days it wouldn't be an issue but today it seemed to be. I know work is particularly bad at the moment although he won't admit that is getting to him, but I know it is. Anyway he stormed out and came back and said I annoy him and that he's sleeping in the spare room. To put that into context we've fell out a lot recently so this isn't just an isolated incident. I was calm and tried to say let's not fall out over this but he just kept saying stop pushing him. He also said I pulled a face when he was trying to talk me. Really?! So, I've come to bed and had a good sob. I don't understand why small things, in my opinion, have to escalate to this! So upset :-((

OP posts:
pictish · 26/03/2015 19:42

It's him.

pictish · 26/03/2015 19:49

Oh and the clue is not in the incident itself (which was bad enough) but in the continuation. Sleeping in the spare room and telling you that you're to blame. Milking the negativity rather than looking to dispel it. Does he often do that?

pocketsaviour · 26/03/2015 19:49

Anyway he said he likes me to look at him when he talks as its basic manners

I actually agree with your H on this point, but his reaction seems rather extreme. Were you giving him "verbal nods" while he was talking - saying "Uh-huh", "OK", "Right", etc? I'm guessing he thought you were ignoring him.

pictish · 26/03/2015 19:52

I don't always look at dh or the kids when they're talking to me. If I did, I'd never get a thing done. That's normal isn't it?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 19:53

Pictish - he usually blames me, but then I think it's him, but I'm careful not to say that as blaming doesn't help anything. Tonight he's said he thinks he's right, I think im right so to just leave it, but he was particularly angry with it.
Pocketsaviour - in all honesty I can't remember but I'm pretty sure I acknowledged him talking to me, yes.

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 26/03/2015 19:54

If my partner and I are both near each other doing different activites, neither of us expects the other to stop what they're doing for the duration of a conversation, just for the purpose of looking like they're listening.

It sounds to me like your DH was looking for a reason to boss you around get at you. Sounds very engineered. Some kind of attempt to exert dominance over fuck all?

NerdyBird · 26/03/2015 19:55

Well I'm trying to teach DSD1 that she needs to acknowledge people when they talk to her because most of the time she just carries on what she's doing and you've no idea if she heard you, so I get why your DH was annoyed. Sleeping in the spare room is a bit OTT just for this incident and you say you've been falling out a lot recently so is his reaction to this really about the other stuff too?

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 26/03/2015 19:55

*and get at you

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 19:57

Thanks smillas, I just feel it's being blown out of a all proportion. I feel like I've been told off for being a naughty school girl :-(.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 20:01

Nerdybird - yes we have been falling out a lot so I know some of the anger is probably spilling out too. I know that we'll be back to square one now as we've just been getting on the best we have for a while and now I feel we've took a giant step back and it's within our control not to let it get out of hand. So I tried when he came back in to talk about it but he didn't want to know. Just that he was going in the spare room. I hate not talking, it's so upsetting. The weekend is runied as it takes him days to get back on track in the relationship.

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 26/03/2015 20:07

It takes him days to get back on track in the relationship, or he chooses to punish you for days?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 20:11

That I don't know the answer to. He'll say that he can't forget that easily, whereas I can forget (most things) and move on.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 26/03/2015 20:15

Hmph. In that case I would make plans of your own for this weekend that don't include him!

Do you feel there is an underlying cause for the recent problems?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 20:22

Hi Pocket, yes we've had some issues with my adult son who is back living at home. Also my my DH is having problems at work and I know he's very worried about that. Also he hates where we live (neighbour issues) so all adds to stress he feels. I can put up and shut up but he finds it much more difficult.

OP posts:
pictish · 26/03/2015 20:26

So I tried when he came back in to talk about it but he didn't want to know. Just that he was going in the spare room. I hate not talking, it's so upsetting. The weekend is runied as it takes him days to get back on track in the relationship.

You already know the weekend is up the pole because you didn't look at him when he was talking to you. You clearly have experience of this. It sounds awful.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 20:28

Yes I'm afraid I do. I feel so lonely when we don't talk, despite have lots of friends and family and working FT, I still feel totally alone. I tell no one of our fall outs as I'm embarrassed. :-((

OP posts:
pictish · 26/03/2015 20:30

I'm sorry to hear that.
Do you often feel that he blows things out of proportion, yet somehow you end up apologising and making nice?

Binklesback · 26/03/2015 20:30

I think it's both of you. If you know he's under stress he probably just needs a little more coddling and attention which at the end of the day is what partners are there for.... You say you don't do blaming which is to your credit. Be extra lovely and attentive the next time you speak and disarm him completely. If he's still unpleasant with you then its groundless and he needs to look at himself .

Binklesback · 26/03/2015 20:32

Oh and as you say its a little thing ,so let it go as if it never happened and don't talk it out. Be the leader by example in that sense.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 20:38

Pictish - sometimes yes and I'm usually the one trying to mend us back together, I wont apologise unless I feel I've done something that needs to be apologised for. I hate the atmosphere an argument brings so I'll try hard (normally) to get us back on track.
Hi Binkles, thank you for your advice, I know I'm not perfect and I will definitely try that approach.
Because of our fall outs we seem to be losing our way. We also don't cuddle, say we love one another anymore - been months since we said that. Sex is non existent at the moment, 2 or 3 times this year so far. I feel we're falling apart and it makes me angry he then looks to fall out with me over whether I'm looking at him when we talk. So very upsetting especially as I am typing this, it seems to be more real.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 20:54

The worse thing about our falls outs at the moment is when I wake up in the morning and I remember we've fallen out - my heart actually sinks. Tomorrow it'll be worse as he'll be in the spare room and I have to start the day not talking to my best friend. Why can't he just hug and make up!?

OP posts:
Binklesback · 26/03/2015 21:15

He is probably feeling that lack of intimacy too and being a man instead of trying to mend it he's retreated. Maybe he felt he was trying to connect with you through eye contact as a starting point. I know how you feel about waking up upset, my exp used to go up in the attic room for days on end instead of sorting things. It's horrible and very isolating.

pictish · 26/03/2015 21:15

It is not normal for you to wake up and have your heart sink like that, knowing what's ahead, over something so utterly trivial as failing to look at him when he was talking to you. He is making a meal out of your misery. You know that, right?

Binklesback · 26/03/2015 21:18

A big hug, smile and eye contact is worth a try to show you care about the feelings he raised. If he knocks you back its on him then.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 21:28

Pictish - yes it has been of late. He doesn't bat an eyelid at the moment when I'm upset. I feel he doesn't care about the affect it has on me, he'll say I don't care about effect it has in him, I do though. Yes I know that he is making a meal out if, it's hard to think he could do that to me.

Binklesback - yes very isolating. I am in bed and he just came in to get his phone charger and has gone to the spare room to sleep. I didn't say a word, there's just no point at the moment.

I want to fling my arms around him and say everything will be ok (typing that has made me cry) I want him to be the same. I'll try the hug tomorrow Binklesback but when I do, have tried before on other fall outs, he can't help but say something to get the last word in about the fall out. 'Not helpful' I normally answer back....

OP posts: