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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it me or him?

68 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 19:41

Posted on here before regarding a problem that my adult son causes in my DH and mines marriage. So we been married for 3 years, together for 5. No other children. We've always argued / bickered a fair bit and fall out but we're quite similar so we've grown to live with that and the good times out weigh the bad. However sometimes when we argue, I just think I actually don't think I've done anything wrong and my DH is being over the top. That's happened tonight. I came home, DH was cooking our tea, I started doing a few dishes in the sink whilst he cooked. He came up to the side of me and started talking, I carried on with dishes, I was listening but didn't turn around. He said I'm talking to you, I said I know (to be fair I probably snapped back a little). Anyway he said he likes me to look at him when he talks as its basic manners, I don't think this is necessary. Some days it wouldn't be an issue but today it seemed to be. I know work is particularly bad at the moment although he won't admit that is getting to him, but I know it is. Anyway he stormed out and came back and said I annoy him and that he's sleeping in the spare room. To put that into context we've fell out a lot recently so this isn't just an isolated incident. I was calm and tried to say let's not fall out over this but he just kept saying stop pushing him. He also said I pulled a face when he was trying to talk me. Really?! So, I've come to bed and had a good sob. I don't understand why small things, in my opinion, have to escalate to this! So upset :-((

OP posts:

pictish · 27/03/2015 08:30

After this epidsode though the sulking has to stop and he needs to stop withdrawing and leaving you cold.

So Binkle in your wisdom, how's that going to happen? Because the OP asks him not to do it?

Yes...it will be as simple as that. Of course it will.

Binklesback · 27/03/2015 08:32

Read my posts. I've been there with the partner who retreats and ignores. I get it. It's not sexy or cute or nice or in any way endearing , it makes you feel isolated and insecure and eventually resentful. Do I think they do it out of malice? No. I think they do it out of emotional immaturity. Ie I'm cross with you I'm not speaking to you so I'm ignoring you and then they don't know how to end it. It's learned behaviour from childhood in my experience. As a women we are the stronger communicators we have stronger social skills - using them is not a weakness or admission of wrong doing. What I'm suggesting is that the op stays firmly in the higher ground whilst taking control of this in the only way she can - giving her man what he asked for - attention. is it so wrong he wanted it? I don't think so. His attention seeking behaviour now IS wrong as I've stated, but we are where we are. I'm saying Op loves this man and calls him her best friend. She wants to resolve it not prolong it. Taking up arms and a stance that mirrors her partner will not do that. Straightfforward in my eyes.

pictish · 27/03/2015 08:36

As a women we are the stronger communicators we have stronger social skills

Nonsense. Absolute nonsense.

Binklesback · 27/03/2015 08:36

Why would anyone advocate withdrawing love as a useful way of dealing with someone under stress (OPs words) withdrawing their love? Please explain. Do you withdraw love from your children in the same way. Please don't. You will create adults who behave like OP partner

Binklesback · 27/03/2015 08:37

In you opinion pictish. You're obviously adversarial, I'm not. Are styles of discussion are completely different so I'll wish you well and disengage from this now with you.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/03/2015 10:42

Can you go to a friend or family for the weekend?
Just get away for a night or 2 to get some head space.
You can't continue like this.
It's horrible.
If you are at work, see if you can leave a bit early. Pack a weekend bag and just get away and talk this all through with someone in RL.
It will be very therapeutic for you.

And FWIW, I sometimes do the dishes while OH cooks or vice versa and we can quite happily chat away without having to look each other in the eye.
If we had to do that every time we talked we'd never get anything done.

This just makes me think of Justin Lee Collins

pictish · 27/03/2015 10:52

I sometimes do the dishes while OH cooks or vice versa and we can quite happily chat away without having to look each other in the eye.

Well quite. No one in their right mind needs their spouse to drop everything to gaze at them in enraptured reverence every time they open their mouth.

pictish · 27/03/2015 10:58

She wants to resolve it not prolong it.

Yep I get that...but he doesn't want to resolve it is fully intent on prolonging it. What the OP wants out of this doesn't matter a fuck to him.
Do you really think that pandering to his bloated ego will help her?

pictish · 27/03/2015 10:59

All it will do is reinforce the behaviour.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/03/2015 11:51

I have read a thread you started elsewhere on MN about your DS and how his entitled behaviour has driven a wedge between you and his step-dad DH.

I would be so pleased at someone cooking my dinner, I'd want to wash up or set the table. It seems that wasn't good enough for your H he wanted your absolute full attention too. So you snapped at him. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Things escalated. He 'punished' you but also himself by exiling himself to the spare room. Of course you were meant to be contrite and wheedle him back.

You haven't touched on this here but I think the issues with 22yo DS are the elephant in the room. DH's behaviour made him sound like a touchy teen and he is at some level resorting to childlike tactics. I'd expect a grown man to act like one - not withdraw and go huffy. Speaking for myself I don't want to parent my husband and coax him into communicating.

I do not think that DH has covered himself in glory this week but there's more to it than a barney over courtesies in the kitchen.

pictish · 27/03/2015 12:05

Yes...reading that thread was interesting. I'm resolutely going to stand by what I've said on here already.

OP - if you think your dh is worth all the heartache, then by all means follow Binkle and one or two other poster's advice to appease and soothe him. It won't make him behave any better but it will end the stand off until the next time.

I think your dh is manipulative and controlling. The more I read of him, the more I am convinced of this. I think he threatens and shit stirs and bullies you into making him your only priority. And yes, the silent treatment is instrumental in this.

If you don't want to live your life this way, you're going to have to stop accepting it.

SensationalGirl · 27/03/2015 12:26

When my dh starts talking to me I stop what I'm doing and give him my full attention. Every time. I didn't know this was considered doormat behaviour. I just want him to know I give a shit about his opinions.

NerdyBird · 27/03/2015 12:26

I think you need to ask yourself two questions at this point.
Is your DH likely to change how he behaves, and if not are you happy to carry on as you are.
If the answer to both is 'no' then you'll have some decisions to make about the future of the relationship.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/03/2015 12:30

So Sensational you are cooking and at a critical point but if your DH starts to talk you put the spoon down and let the dinner burn just so you look him in the eye?
He never shouts up while you are in bed to ask if you want a cup of tea?
He must always come and see you and look you in the eye?
Very odd. Sorry I just think it is.

AlternativeTentacles · 27/03/2015 14:38

When my dh starts talking to me I stop what I'm doing and give him my full attention. Every time.

So if you are walking hand in hand in the high street, you have to stop and face him head on. Every time? Doesn't that annoy people walking behind you. Actually, I think I have been behind you and had to swerve to avoid you [as we can walk and talk without having to make eye contact. Every time].

SensationalGirl · 27/03/2015 15:41

Christ! Seriously? Ok lets point out a few exceptions, when driving I don't stop the car, when we're doing it doggy style I don't stop what I'm doing. And he's never yelled at me, ever. If he wants to ask me a question he walks to where I am, looks me in the eye and politely asks me his question which I don't answer in a snarky way. And if I can't stop what I'm doing I politely ask him to hold on two secs. Maybe that sounds to you like a shit relationship but I'm not suggesting that the op has to be nice to her husband. I'm just pointing out what works for me.

SensationalGirl · 27/03/2015 15:44

Oh but when he got a leg cramp during sex today I did in fact stop what I was doing, look him in the eyes and asked if he'd like to change positions. So hey, exceptions to the exceptions.

AlternativeTentacles · 27/03/2015 18:16

Bit too much info there SensationalGirl. Perhaps if you didn't state your case so vociferously you wouldn't have to backtrack?

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