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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me or him?

68 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 19:41

Posted on here before regarding a problem that my adult son causes in my DH and mines marriage. So we been married for 3 years, together for 5. No other children. We've always argued / bickered a fair bit and fall out but we're quite similar so we've grown to live with that and the good times out weigh the bad. However sometimes when we argue, I just think I actually don't think I've done anything wrong and my DH is being over the top. That's happened tonight. I came home, DH was cooking our tea, I started doing a few dishes in the sink whilst he cooked. He came up to the side of me and started talking, I carried on with dishes, I was listening but didn't turn around. He said I'm talking to you, I said I know (to be fair I probably snapped back a little). Anyway he said he likes me to look at him when he talks as its basic manners, I don't think this is necessary. Some days it wouldn't be an issue but today it seemed to be. I know work is particularly bad at the moment although he won't admit that is getting to him, but I know it is. Anyway he stormed out and came back and said I annoy him and that he's sleeping in the spare room. To put that into context we've fell out a lot recently so this isn't just an isolated incident. I was calm and tried to say let's not fall out over this but he just kept saying stop pushing him. He also said I pulled a face when he was trying to talk me. Really?! So, I've come to bed and had a good sob. I don't understand why small things, in my opinion, have to escalate to this! So upset :-((

OP posts:
pictish · 26/03/2015 21:37

With all due respect to Binkle, I don't advocate her advice. I think he's treating you poorly. He doesn't bat an eye when you're upset...why on earth would you be extra lovely and attentive to him? He's being rotten to you.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 21:51

I can see you point Pictish. I feel he's being very mean :-( I feel so lonely lying here and he's in the next room. Why is he so quick to go in the spare room, am I such an ogre?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 21:53

I'm angry too that it's come to this tonight. I'm not sure he even wants me any more, maybe he's trying to push me away on purpose.

OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 26/03/2015 21:56

Just posting again to say that I don't agree with Binkle either. It doesn't sound like you need to make more effort, Feeling. I think to suggest you try is to ignore the fact that it's you that's eager to make things better most of the time.

I highly doubt he's genuinely hurt by your lack of stopping and looking at him. If he is, it can surely only be because he genuinely believes you should be acting exactly how he determines you should act at all times - even without him saying anything. It's bizarre if it's not a deliberate attempt to be a dick and/or take something out on you.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 26/03/2015 22:01

Thank you for your input, I feel your right. Q is what do I do about it. I can't carry on like this :-(

OP posts:
Binklesback · 26/03/2015 22:08

I'm ok to agree to disagree. What I'm advocating is for OP to acknowledge the feeling her dp has voiced and give him what he haa asked for ie attention. I don't think in a partnership that's outlandish advice. If it backfired then as I said, it's on him. But there's no shame at all in putting yourself out there . He has asked for attention and pointed out he feels like he's not getting it . It's ok for him to want it in my opinion. Its not ok for him to isolate op but that is typical man/cave behaviour. Not attractive nor helpful but also not particularly rare. Men need to feel acceptance just as women do. I think Op has every right to feel loved by her partner and not ignored and so does her partner.

Binklesback · 26/03/2015 22:11

As I said I've also been on the end of being isolated by my exp - nothing makes you feel more insecure and unsafe and then resentful. It's horrible. But his motives may be in his own insecurity about the strength of the relationship given intimacy and communication is strained at present - he's not necessarily acting out of outright malice.

Inexperiencedchick · 26/03/2015 22:18

Offer hugs and kisses to your DH and probably be more softer if he is under the stress.

Last year I was in the same situation as your DH and instead of care I had nonsense I will never forget.

He probably feels vulnerable too. Support him and it will come back to you in case if you end up being in the similar situation.

Don't fall apart for these type of misunderstandings. Be a keeper!

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 26/03/2015 22:23

Be a keeper!

Jesus Christ.

Binklesback · 26/03/2015 22:28

I also know the fear of reaching out and being rejected when they do this is a scary thing but his behaviour is attention seeking, so offer it him in a positive way which doesn't leave your position weaker but actually stronger and more assertive.

PoppyField · 26/03/2015 23:16

He sounds very controlling. Just telling you he expects you to look at him when he talks to you is setting the rules for your conversations.

Who says you have to look at people when they're talking? Who says it is 'basic manners'? Nobody else here is. We nod, we chat, we say uh-huh and occaisionally catch their eye, when someone is talking and we are doing something else at the same time - seems perfectly reasonable to me. Why don't you tell him that this is not the way you conduct conversations and that nobody else demands this of you when they are speaking to you? This is not 'basic manners' - this is him controlling how you respond to him.

You have reminded me of something similar that started very early on in my relationship with my XH. He was insistent that I should never 'interrupt' him.

His definition of interrupting included me chipping in my point of view in a normal conversation. I would say 'ok then, I will try not to interrupt you' and he would start making a point and leave huge gaps between his sentences, which I would take as him coming to an end. So then I would chip in with my point and before I had said two words he would shout 'Let Me Finish!!' as if I had been ridiculously rude.

Needless to say I told him that I have conversations with lots of different people - friends and family - and out of all these people, I never had conversations like this. I told him that a conversation was made up of give and take, occaisionally butting in (not rudely), making use of a gap in the speech to make your own point, occaisionally finishing someone else's sentence if you are enjoying the cut and thrust of it all! He was always barking 'Let me finish!' and I used to laugh at the idea that he thought that a conversation was an exchange of boring monologues. Perhaps what he was really saying was that what he was saying was always more important than what I might have to add. I thought it was funny. It wasn't funny a few years down the line. I should have run away then and there.

PoppyField · 26/03/2015 23:18

And I meant to add... this 'conversation' rule. He sets it, in order for you to break it. And when you break his very spurious rule, he accords blame (always to you) sets the punishment (him huffing off to the spare room and you knowing that you will have that horribly sinking feeling in the morning.) He knows he is doing this to you. It's pretty vile. You are there to be punished. Nice.

NerdyBird · 26/03/2015 23:42

If the not talking, ignoring etc is common it sounds like things are not always properly resolved as you're mainly doing the appeasing. I don't really know what to suggest. Will he respond to an offer to talk things over? But properly, not just him expecting you to apologise? Or do you just have to wait until he's finished sulking? Can you put it to him that his behaviour is contributing to your relationship problems or would that be too much/make things worse? Sorry, that's loads of questions!

Jackw · 26/03/2015 23:54

Well it sounds like it's him to me. He seems to be expecting you to be supporting him through all his stress etc but not prepared to give the same back. And manufacturing grievances in order to give you a hard time. It must be exhausting. This is no way to live, is it? So, stop tiptoeing around his moods. Tell him, I don't want to live like this anymore, what can we do to fix it? If he won't discuss or assume half the responsibility, start looking at your exit options.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 27/03/2015 07:14

Thank you all for your comments, Poppy your particularly hit home.

Nerdybird, I could offer to talk but I know he'll blame me and I want to say no it's you, but I end up listening and holding back just to keep the peace, like i said I hate the falling out.

I've woke up this morning, he's gone to work, no talking at all. He's got a very important meeting today which I know he's concerned about. Do I text to say good luck or keep quiet?

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 27/03/2015 07:28

Eye contact is important. When he pointed this out you snapped at him. Id also be fucked off. But then he acted like a child and sulked.

If there are outside stressers it doesnt sond like its beyond salvation. He was trying to converse with you which is good.

Make a conscious effort to add touching. Hand on his arm when your are talking. Little acts like that can make a huge difference to how a person feels.

Two of the three outside of your relationship stressers could surely be addressed. Can you move? Why does your adult child need to live at home? Can you set dates to start moving process and an end date for your adukt child to live with you? Knowing those are in place may take some of the stress off your husband.

CalleighDoodle · 27/03/2015 07:34

poppyfield yes it is basic manners! He didnt make that up! On the phone we make sounds to account for the lack of visual clues someone is listening. I cant believe an adult doesnt know eye contact and acknowledgement (which op isnt sure she did at all) is basic manners.

CalleighDoodle · 27/03/2015 07:36

He sounds like he is under a great deal of stress. Make sure you sit down and listen to him when he gets home. If he isnt interested in that, then the issues are biger.

pictish · 27/03/2015 07:47

I agree with Poppy. Keep quiet. Don't go falling over yourself to wish him luck and soothe his brow, when he won't even talk to you!
You tried to smooth it over at the time and he was having none of it.

Isn't this outrageous? He's carrying on like this over the fact that you didn't look at him while he was talking to you because you were washing dishes, but now he won't talk to you at all...never mind not looking at you.

It seems that you must give him your rapt attention at all times, whereas he feels perfectly justified in ignoring you whenever he feels like punishing you.

Remember, he doesn't bat an eyelid when you're upset, but apparently the most minor of imagined infractions is enough to make him cut you out for days!

Why is it one rule for you, yet another for him? Is he very special and important? Are his feelings paramount while yours don't matter a fuck? Looks like it.

Don't wish him luck, no. Refuse to play the game this time.

pictish · 27/03/2015 07:54

And no - I don't think "hand on his arm when you are talking" is the solution. Hmm

You were washing dishes and he's an adult ffs.

AlternativeTentacles · 27/03/2015 08:06

Unless you have a neck that revolves 360 degrees, surely doing the pots you can just nod or grunt 'hmm' when he speaks and that constitutes you listening? Or even if you weren't listening, sometimes I am wrapped up in something [invoicing usually] and need to get it right and so I just say 'Sorry - didn't hear that. What was that again?' and my OH will just repeat what he said, and we carry on as usual. If the other way around - I just say 'Oi! What did I just say?' and if he wasn't listening I just say 'I was saying blah de blah' and we carry on as usual.

He is using this to punish you for whatever reason. Perhaps he just likes having bad weekends that are all your fault? Perhaps that makes him feel like a big man? Who knows.

Question is - what are you going to do about it? What are your options?

pictish · 27/03/2015 08:14

I can't get over the "fawn on him more" advice on this thread. Particularly when this piece of work can keep up the silent treatment for days over fuck bloody all.

Being stressed is not a licence to calculatedly treat your spouse like a speck of dirt that has displeased the mighty Leige.

Binklesback · 27/03/2015 08:15

Wish him luck. You've lost nothing by doing this and its what a supportive partner would do. Please dont start mimicking his behaviour by taking a stance as others are suggesting - that's no way at all to have a relationship and is actually quite sad to hear grown women advocating game playing that would put teenage girls to shame. If you love him and want to support him text and wish him luck with no conditions as if none of this ever happened - give him unconditional love through this stressful time. If he still doesn't respond then yes he's being pathetic and doesn't deserve further effort but remember you referred to this man as your best friend so he's worth it. After this epidsode though the sulking has to stop and he needs to stop withdrawing and leaving you cold. But please do not be tempted to prolong this with some kind of mexican stand off as you're being advised. Yes you've treated EACH OTHER less than lovingly recently . Be the advocate for warming that up x

pictish · 27/03/2015 08:22

Yes OP, let him treat you like shit and keep striving to please him...that's what a grown woman does. Lays herself down to be walked over by a petty, egotistical, uncaring man who punishes you for forgetting your place in his court.

Fuck me.

pictish · 27/03/2015 08:25

And Binkle this is not the first time he has done this...or the second, or even the third.
This is him. This is what he does. Read the OP's posts.

Do you really think it's up to the OP to fix this?

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