New young wife completely intolerant of step daughter, how on earth can this end well?

[jimijack]

So wife is 24, partner is 40, step child is 12.
Behaviour difficulties from a very young age, now quite bad. School have got CAMHS involved.

Wife leaves the room when child enters the room. Will not be left alone with the child due to lies & manipulative behaviour.
When they are together, they argue full scale.
Wife insists that the child is taken to the grandparents for entire weeks if it is school holidays and for entire weekends if she can't be bothered or wants to be alone with partner.
Is quite abusive to the child, swears at her, is clear that she hates the child.

Child is very very difficult to like tbf.

Don't know what the answer is. Where to go, what to do.

How about:

1. Sounds like your mother already spends a good bit of time with her. I think it is very telling that she is nice to you- presumably because you have always been nice to her? So you are the trusted route into her emotional and psychological state. That's a good thing. So come up with a joint strategy (you and your DM) for setting boundaries but being supportive, caring and listening that both you and your DM can stick to. If you are consistent about what behaviour is and isn't acceptable but also consistently there for the child (and you both take the same approach), you could be a force for good in the poor child's life. Perhaps also try to spend some time with her, both you and your DM, to reinforce this.
2. Continue to be involved in the CAMHS intervention, and start a dialogue with them yourself, outwith what the mother/partner are saying. Make them aware of the mother and partner's behaviour (especially the partner's behaviour tbh- someone leaving the room when you enter is just intolerable cruelty that would drive anyone up the wall, especially a relatively powerless child who has already been abandoned/neglected).
3. See if there are any local children's charities that could provide a mentor/buddy for the child. Think also about other adults (relatives, friends) who could be asked to become a little involved in the child's life.
4. Be very frank with the child about some things- that she has been dealt a bad hand, that what her mum's partner does is not good behaviour. Try to get across to her that pre-emptive/pro-active rejection is understandable, but not a good strategy. Something like "you're in a bad situation now. You can't change it, but you can make the best of it- get what you can out of it e.g. education, so that when you are older you can build a much better life for yourself". I think she is just about old enough to mentally comprehend something like that, you'll know best what she can handle yourself.
5. Also think about getting her involved in a regular hobby/activity/club where she will learn something and meet others. A martial art is an obvious example of something that helps frustrated, angry and hurt young people channel that and learn how to control their emotions, but it could also be something creative if she is that way inclined.

I think it's true that you aren't in place to take her in yourself. But maybe you can help set up a few lifelines to keep her going, and also be one of those lifelines yourself.

Good luck, and also my heart goes out to the kid.

I would write a letter to CAMHS to tell them what your niece said when she came out.

The good thing is that she is seeing them regularly.

One thing confuses me, you say she is sweet with you, but you couldn't have her because of her bad language etc.? Is she badly behaved with you or your children?
Could you offer to giver her some respite, but only on the condition that she behaves - give her some strict rule she has to obey or she misses out next time, and tell her why (influence on her cousins).

Could you also inform CAMHS/school about your concerns over how much longer your mother can continue to provide back up care.

I have known people who have survived similar situations, so it isn't hopeless, but your sister is causing real harm on her daughter by allowing this to happen.

Thanks to almost everyone that has posted helpful and understanding posts, it really is very much appreciated as I have no experience of this kind of thing, hard to know what to do for the best.

Dn is fed, is clean, has lots of things bought for her by both her mum & my mum, so not neglected in that sense, it's emotional neglect I think.

When in my company I make sure she has a huge hug and I ask her stuff about her life, school/friends/home etc, she is lovely & smiley with me, then quite quickly she becomes rude and argumentative with my mum & her mum over very little. I have asked her to no be so rude and changed the subject but it's constant with them.

I am adamant that I will maintain a positive and friendly relationship with her, if I tackle my sister, I know she will withdraw contact with me. I can't risk that.
Dn knows I love her, absolutely, I find her behavior towards others very distressing. But I exploit her good nature towards me fully as a foot in the door to her well being.

She has told a terrible lie about my son in the past, I will not put him into a position where she can do this a again. She has very little contact with my kids, maybe twice a year under constant supervision, they do not get along anyway. She is very antagonistic and deliberately argumentative with him, he doesn't know how to take her. They are the same age. Best to separate them really.
My sister is vague about things when I ask her, almost sleep walking through it all. Happy for any one to take dn off her hands.

Would camhs have anything to do with me if I rang and asked to speak to someone about dn? Confidentiality and all that?? I couldn't sleep with worry and felt permanently. sick when I was involved last time, it was making me ill. But want to do something to help.

You could call them and ask. At your niece's age they might want her permission even if it's you telling them stuff not the other way around. Another option is to talk to your niece yourself - having been mentally abused as a kid myself I understand the reluctance to talk about it for fear people won't believe you or take it seriously. That in itself could be part of the reason for the lying - she could well feel that nobody cares about what's happening to her but she desperately wants your comfort so she makes up things she thinks people will react to in order to try and fill that void, iyswim? You could speak to your niece alone, tell her straight out that you know she's in a horrible situation and not being treated properly, and ask her if she'd like you to talk to camhs for/with her. She might feel safer opening up to them if she knows there's someone who'll vouch for the truth of what she's saying, and having somewhere like that where she can talk about it could be the lifeline she needs.

I was in a similar situation to your niece and my aunt and grandmother made a big difference just by loving me and acknowledging that my stepfather treated me like shit. Like you, their hands were tied because my mum would've cut them off, but just knowing that they were in my corner was such a comfort. Please PM me if you want to talk about it in detail; I can tell you really care and want to help your niece.

OP, would it be feasible for you to take your niece out on her own occasionally, just you and her, not your kids, not her mum or grandma? It sounds like she is more open with you than with the others.

It wouldn't have to be anything special - just going to a café for a cup of tea or coffee, for example. But it sounds like she is starved of adult (positive) attention, and I think it would mean a lot to her to know there was an "enlightened witness" who was interested in her as a person.

Good luck, it sounds an awful situation and I really feel for both you and her.