New young wife completely intolerant of step daughter, how on earth can this end well?

[jimijack]

So wife is 24, partner is 40, step child is 12.
Behaviour difficulties from a very young age, now quite bad. School have got CAMHS involved.

Wife leaves the room when child enters the room. Will not be left alone with the child due to lies & manipulative behaviour.
When they are together, they argue full scale.
Wife insists that the child is taken to the grandparents for entire weeks if it is school holidays and for entire weekends if she can't be bothered or wants to be alone with partner.
Is quite abusive to the child, swears at her, is clear that she hates the child.

Child is very very difficult to like tbf.

Don't know what the answer is. Where to go, what to do.

Not sure what anyone can suggest OP, if you are not available to do anything yourself for the girl. All anyone can say then, is that this is wrong.
But really one relative needs to build up a good relationship with her and let her know she is loved.

My sister says that they quickly realized that dn was telling lots of lies.
My mum has dn all of the time, but she is older and confessed to be really struggling to cope with dn, it's behaviour but worse of all its her attitude and the way she speaks to every one.
She is obnoxious. Never to me, it me it has to be said, she is very sweet with me.

She is having weekly counselling with camhs, but sister doesn't know why specifically!!! In other words, she hasn't asked!

As has been said if you won't take on your dn... Poor kid nobody cares enough for her.

She is too much for me, I have 2 children, I don't want them exposed to the language and the behaviour. She is very street wise, my children are not.
I think it would be detrimental to my children's well being for her to come to me.

Is your sister the mother of the child or the step mother. I am confused.

There is a chance the DN will run away to a foreign land so you never have to deal with her again, or that she will throw herself under a bus but neither is likely so it is in your and your Dsis and Dmother's interests to try your absolute best to help this wee girl.
She is the way she is because of her upbringing by her uncaring mother. Underneath is probably a nice normal child with a good future. You need to work hard to help her sort her problems to make YOUR lives easier in the long term (and hers of course).

Of course she is obnoxious. She is surrounded by people who don't want her and who are abusive towards her.
It's a defence mechanism. A way of coping with the reality of not wanted and rejected by both your parents.
Why should she be nice? She was probably nice, but seen that no matter how she is she is unwanted.

I don't blame her giving up on being nice either. At least now she can give as good as she gets and have some self esteem.

I'm not going to play 'guess the cryptic clues' as that kind of thing irritates me - why not just give people enough info to help you in the first place?

I'm going to be generous and assume the cryptic clue style posting is borne out of reticence rather than arrogance.

If you want to know whether you should be concerned, then the answer is yes.

If you want to know whether the situation is serious then, from what you've said, the answer is yes.

What more do you want from this thread?

At least attempt to report this - your niece is being mentally abused. Sounds like she would be better off with trained foster parents with experience with these sorts of issues. I understand you wanting to protect your own children, but you're pretty much all she's got. You can't just do nothing.

I can't imagine your niece is going to get any better living in a house where she is being verbally and emotionally abused by an adult!

If you are 24 and feel this way, it would probably be a good idea to NOT marry a man with a difficult 12 year old. If you are a man with a difficult 12 year old, it's probably a good idea to not marry a woman who has difficulty feeling compassion for your child

Thing is: why would the 24 year old have a clue about what this might have been like??? I certainly wouldn't have been able to comprehend such a situation might be beyond my capability at 24. I have a 12 year old DD and 24 year old SD and would not expect SD to be able to cope with any (relatively straightforward) issues with DD at her age - especially if she did not grow up alongside her. I don't think it's fair to put the onus for change and support on the 24 year old newcomer to the situation. To me, she needs help almost as much as the 12 year old - if the situation has a hope of anyone coming out of it unscathed. But really I would want to say to the 40 yr old: WTF were you thinking??!!! Focus on your needy child and lay off thinking you need a child bride on your arm.

The fact she can be sweet to you shows that it's the people around her IMO. She may act up for your mum as she feels she is a safe person to take her feelings out on as she has taken her in.

Mother sounds selfish, is unlikely to change at age 40.

24 yr old sounds vile. I'm 25 and I've understood for years that children come first no matter what their behaviour.

Poor kid.

What kind of things does the 12 yr old do exactly?

Hi op

The child has been abandoned my her mother and her father, the new wife she is subjected to and I stress she has to put up with shows her disdain anger frustration and no patience.

The girl has a deep attachment issues, part from the fact she is mirroring every emotion being shown to her back at those around her.

She is and has been emotionally neglected, she knows no other ay to behave so is emotionally stunted and shut down. The only way she has of getting any attention now is through anger and boundary pushing.

She's 12 throw in a handful of hormones puberty, and the realisation that no one wants her, she is becoming the perfect storm. She is the result of the utter failure of parenting from the day she was born, this poor little soul needs to be almost reprogrammed and shown calm boundaries, love empathy and compassion I doubt she will get it from those she needs to show it though.

Poor kid and I feel sorry for you and your mum too. I worked with teenagers with emotional and behaviour difficulties (I also worked as a teacher with CAMHS for a while) Im retired now but in all the time I worked with these children I have never met one who doesn't want someone to care enough about them to set them some boundaries. I have a step daughter who was a bit like your dn and I found it extremely difficult even tho I was in my 30's, I decided that no matter what I would be the responsible adult in the mess that was her live following her parents split I tried to remain calm and I set boundaries and explained to her that I'm staying and she won't make me leave and I even if she doesn't like what I do I'm doing it because I care about her. It was very tough! The best complement I got from her was when she was about 18 and she said "I was horrible to you but you were lovely and kind to me"
I wonder if you could try sharing her care temporarily with your mum but on the condition that mother start s to take some responsibility for her daughter and sort out wife's attitude - you don't go into a relationship hoping any children will somehow disappear from the picture putting all the blame on the child. They need support and encouragement (cajoling) to do this and
CAMHS should be able to provide some family mediation for all of you, or at least point you in the direction of getting some family help - her school behaviour support team or the SENCo or whoever is taking some responsibility for the dn in school should help you as you can't do this on your own. There also multi agency support teams who could help oversee any work with your niece and family.

The alternative is fostering and the poor kid would feel even more rejected by the adults in her life who are supposed to take some responsibilty for her and love her. I don't think this is an option.

Ah I see hadnt pressed refresh for a while.

I think if you can't be the one to solve this, can you be the instrument of others helping her?

By alerting cAHMs etc to the real needs this child has?

I'm assuming there's a reason why you haven't talked directly to your sister?

Footle, that came to my mind, too.

Bloody hell, poor kid.

At this point SS need to get involved as well. I can hear the ticking bomb....

I very much doubt SS would get involved.

But why not? how bad does it have to be?

She is presumably being fed, isn't being physically or sexually abused and isn't witnessing physical violence. She is also getting support from CAHMS. It would be very very difficult to place a teenage girl who her own concerned relative says is difficult and not very likeable. So she would probably end up in a children's home, where she would be at much more risk than she is now.

I agree it's unlikely to meet the threshold for SS intervention. They're too stretched.

CAMHS is a good start. Could you talk to them yourself (or maybe your mother) about whether there are other agencies that could provide your niece with support - this varies from area to area, but they should know about any voluntary organisations etc that might be able to offer your niece or the family support. I can see why you can't take her on, but can you be a safe space for her, a listening ear, even if you keep in touch via text or something?

Im confused but i feel sorry for 12 year old.

Your dn doesn't stand a chance. I've seen this with my own sis and her kids. It does not matter one bit who is in her life while her mum has primary care. Some people should not be parents but their neglect is not bad enough to warrant the childs removal.

You and your parents can try and be a positive influence but it will be tiny compared to the crap her own mother inflicts on her.

Perhaps you could threaten the DF - tell him you are having nothing more to do with DN or DSis and that he needs to step up and take DD from the marriage.

If he worked hard enough surely he could compensate for the lack of care from others.