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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New young wife completely intolerant of step daughter, how on earth can this end well?

80 replies

jimijack · 25/03/2015 15:41

So wife is 24, partner is 40, step child is 12.
Behaviour difficulties from a very young age, now quite bad. School have got CAMHS involved.

Wife leaves the room when child enters the room. Will not be left alone with the child due to lies & manipulative behaviour.
When they are together, they argue full scale.
Wife insists that the child is taken to the grandparents for entire weeks if it is school holidays and for entire weekends if she can't be bothered or wants to be alone with partner.
Is quite abusive to the child, swears at her, is clear that she hates the child.

Child is very very difficult to like tbf.

Don't know what the answer is. Where to go, what to do.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 25/03/2015 16:45

OP has said that this is two women aged 24 and 40 - the child is the 40 year old's child.

Obviously best case scenario is that 40 year old ditches the 24 year old and concentrates on her child.

notquitegrownup2 · 25/03/2015 16:46

Achuleta, the OP has said that the wife is not the OPs wife - the OP is a concerned relative. The mother has recently married a younger woman, who is now in conflict with the child.

OP are you related to the mother, and child, or to the new wife?

Enb76 · 25/03/2015 16:52

Poor kid. Is there any way she can be removed from the situation and given a loving home by one of her relatives? And therapy!

liveloveluggage · 25/03/2015 16:53

This sounds like a very difficult situation, but really as a concerned relative there is not much you can do except maybe offer to have the dd round if that is possible. But if you interfer that will do no good and cause a lot of resentment.

BitOfFun · 25/03/2015 16:54

So you are a relative of someone in a same-sex marriage then?

BitOfFun · 25/03/2015 16:55

Ah, I see the penny dropped well before I'd posted- I hadn't refreshed the page.

BitOfFun · 25/03/2015 16:57

All you can do is have a word with whichever woman is your relative, or ask someone close to her to speak up. I'm curious how you know so much of their situation though if you aren't living there.

Mamabear14 · 25/03/2015 16:58

My mum stayed with my stepfather who was exactly like this. To the point of he was in the house I had to stay in my room out of sight. He would go through my things and take them, he hit me and she was going to put me in foster care with the line ' well he's my husband he will be around longer than you' I was 13. I moved out as soon as I could and they divorced some years later. I have never forgiven my mother and we have a very difficult relationship. I was a bit of a rebellious teen, because it was so obvious he hated me. I acted out and gave him reason to. I honestly had the worst time during puberty that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Kids come first. Always.

geekymommy · 25/03/2015 16:59

isn't 24 very young to be compassionate with a difficult 12 year old who might also be seen as competition for a partner's affections?

If you are 24 and feel this way, it would probably be a good idea to NOT marry a man with a difficult 12 year old. If you are a man with a difficult 12 year old, it's probably a good idea to not marry a woman who has difficulty feeling compassion for your child. What was anybody thinking here?

ptumbi · 25/03/2015 17:03

Why do you say the child is very very difficult to like?

magoria · 25/03/2015 17:04

Poor kid.

Difficult to like does not give an adult a reason or excuse to be full on arguing or abusive to a child.

If her mother allows this and abandons her whenever possible then she is as guilty for allowing the abuse.

Let's hope she gets more help somewhere than she does from her mother and step mother.

Please contact anyone who can help. Don't be a bystander.

TheJiminyConjecture · 25/03/2015 17:05

Are you a gp to the child or a sibling to one of the ladies? Its a very difficult situation, is it possible for you to be a steady and positive influence in the child's life?

Tutt · 25/03/2015 17:06

From reading what you have written I'm not surprised the new wife can't be bothered to build a relationship with the child, the child's own Mother can't even be bothered!

The couple need to sit down and talk about what they are doing, IF the Mother is going to even attempt to parent and how the new wife is expected to behave with the child, respect and what she is and isn't going to contribute.
If the child has behaviour problems this needs to be address and help sought so the child can learn how to be in life and become less 'damaged' and happy.
The Mother needs to lead by example and if you are a concerned 'relative' you should maybe speak up!

Nobody comes 'first' it is all equal-if you aren't happy/rounded then that is when parenting becomes a chore and children suffer as do you!

candyce83 · 25/03/2015 17:09

I can't believe this is even a question for some people?

FuckinArsenic · 25/03/2015 17:09

I'm not surprised the poor child is difficult.

Any prospect of getting her out of there entirely?

This kind of stuff wrecks lives. Some initiative of some sort needs to be seized.

LineRunner · 25/03/2015 17:12

My earlier post applies. Why would any parent marry someone who loathes their child?

What is the family's plan for this child?

Achuleta · 25/03/2015 17:41

Well clearly there is no 'family' plan for the child. OP said father has never been in the picture and mother who child knows, now seems like she doesn't want her, so who is left? Just OP? OP has still not said what his/her relationship to the child is.

MatildaTheCat · 25/03/2015 17:49

Family therapy might improve things if everyone engaged. And young wife needs to stop swearing at a child.

Has child had a full assessment of her mental health? Girls with things like ASD and ADHD are often misdiagnosed. Poor child,she sounds dreadfully unhappy.

Achuleta · 25/03/2015 17:56

Problem is Matilda there doesn't seem to be any family that will engage. Mum's not interested, and 'partner's' not even related to the child in any way.

To engage in family therapy you really need at least one very committed parent who loves the child.

OP is still being very cryptic, so its unclear wether OP and the mother can come together for the sake of the child.

Achuleta · 25/03/2015 17:58

If the child really does have a neurological disorder, she will need a lot of help, support, commitment and tons of love.

mariamin · 25/03/2015 18:10

Very sad. I doubt from what the OP says that the situation would mean SS would intervene. So ll the OP can do is be a friendly and loving relative who works to have a good relationship with the girl. She needs to know someone loves her and cares about her.

Original poster
jimijack · 25/03/2015 18:15

I am the child's auntie.

Don't see her very often. It's my mum that tells me this stuff.
I went with my sister & niece to the 1st camhs meeting. It was a disaster, niece came out after seeing them alone and said she had lied her head off to them, told them a load of rubbish.

I feel that she is lost, beyond help & on a slippery slope now with no barriers.
She is beyond anything I could cope with if I'm honest.

OP posts:
PoisonPension · 25/03/2015 18:15

Can you take the child in op?

Viviennemary · 25/03/2015 18:16

There isn't an answer to this. A 12 year old can be very challenging even to mature parents. So I hardly think a 24 year old would be able to cope. I think professional help here is the only answer. There has to be a will to improve things from all concerned.

PoisonPension · 25/03/2015 18:17

Did you tell CAMHS your dn disclosed that to you?