Good friend's husband has just left her with 4 children, should she confront mistress?

[SecondhandRose]

I have said no, it will mean long journey to London, she has had words on the phone and now wants to go into town for more words. I have said not a good idea as I don't think she'll feel any better for it.

Messages with support as she is very down please. And no it isn't me, I don't have 4 children.

As sleepfinder said what goes around comes around.

A freind i worked did this (before i met her) had an affair with married man with 5 children, he left his 1st wife for her.

They married have 3 children one with sn, after 10 years he has done it again.

He is now married to his third wife after an affair with her.

I sought out and slapped the woman who was having an affaire with my dh very hard. It felt great and I remember it fondly to this day.

I would recommend it to anyone and for me it was very much part of the process of being able to forgive her and move on.

She slapped me back btw but not as hard.

Thank you everyone, I am going to copy and paste some of these messages on an email to my friend. Haven't heard from her today.

am beginning to regret being so nice to my ex's mistress

I dont know what she looks like (although seen size 4 shoes & cheap perfume in his car)
I have spoken to her twice calmly and not resorted to name calling

maybe if I had gone & confronted her, my ex might still be here but to be honest, I think deep down Id always be wondering if hed do it again - he has never shown any remorse - think he still thinks I DROVE him to an affair

I don't know MM, you have to do what feels right for you at the time I suppose. I think there's moments you'd want to punch someone in the face or expose them in public and other times, you feel more stoic or want to be the one who is behaving well. You can't really go against your nature either.

Wonder how SHRose's friend is coping. With 4 dc to cope with and presumably financial worries too, it must be a very hard time

it was absolutley the wrong thing to do for me.I telephoned her and bitterly regret it -ended up getting very upset and felt humiliated -wished I'd risen above it and remained dignified.Still regretting it 7 years later.But everyone is different.And I would have really liked to slap her very very hard so well done to all you ladies who did!

Hi at last I am the friend and have joined at last.
Just to give you a bit more info and so you can give me more advice.
She did know he was married she was too with kids. I had met her and she has met my kids. When i found out about it i telephoned her which i think shocked us both - i didnt know i had the strengh to do that and i think it shocked her.
It was a total shock to me that he left as i thought we were going to work it out.
I think she is off the scene for the time being though.
He is having a hard time of it i know - which should make me feel better but i still care!!
I miss him so much 20 years of my life have been invested and i cant just switch off these feelings.
We had our problems - we had 4 demanding kids for one thing and no real time to ourselves (well i didnt) but for him to leave was a real shock. He was telling me up to the end that he loved me but has since said he had not loved me for a while. It is so not like him and all our friends are shocked. His brother (his best friend) has been looking after me for the past few days and i think it says it all.
I am having trouble allowing him to see the children as they are the only thing i have and i want to hurt him so much and i know it will. but i know it is not right for them.
looking forward to your support and thoughts through this.

bump

From my experience I don't think there anything to be gained by confronting the mistress, she may be just the symptom a bigger problem in the marriage. I think it's too easy to focus on her as the the problem and forget about what may have been happening in your relationship.
Although it still must of been a big shock, there are usually other reasons why a man would do this. Men are pretty gutless when it comes to being honest about their feelings and would rather not confront issues. But were there other issues in your relationship he made you aware of before this all happened?
Surely, in the long run, the best thing to do is to try find your own inner strength from looking at what you have got in the way of 4 children rather than what you feel has been lost. Easier said than done I know.

I'm glad you're here. There are a lot of mumsnetters who have been through this sadly.
FWIW let him have the kids even if it feels as if it will kill you to do it.
The kids come first.
Let them go, enjoy the space, get a bottle of wine in and a nice takeaway and come here and we'll get you through the night.
Take care xx

i wouldnt give her the satisfaction of fighting over him tbh

it also makes you look desperate and sad, even if you feel like that

exh had a habit of confronting any man i was friends with and accusing them of shagging me, after we split, it didnt help our relationship post separation

hurtwife - get a name change to something more positive! - How about TheInvincibleOne! or IloveKarenParlour'sSolicitor xxxtake care.