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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Good friend's husband has just left her with 4 children, should she confront mistress?

87 replies

SecondhandRose · 30/10/2006 17:38

I have said no, it will mean long journey to London, she has had words on the phone and now wants to go into town for more words. I have said not a good idea as I don't think she'll feel any better for it.

Messages with support as she is very down please. And no it isn't me, I don't have 4 children.

OP posts:

wannaBe1974 · 30/10/2006 21:09

"it's not her fault, he fell in love with someone else, the marriage failed". sorry Siane but how can you sit there and say that it's not her fault when she's been sleeping with a married man knowing full well that he has 4 children? Maybe she didn't ask for it to happen but if she knew he was married she should have walked away. if it was true love then she could have waited until he had ended the marriage properly. I know we can't always choose who we fall in love with, but we can choose what we do about it, and it's that "choice" that makes us the people we are. If a married man (or woman) leaves his wife (or husband) for someone else then they are in part to blame for the break up of that marriage.

And I still maintain that if a man leaves his wife for another woman, that woman can never be sure that he won't do the same to her.

MistressMiggins · 30/10/2006 21:11

absolutely agree with your post wannbe1974

Aitchisforhellishdifficult · 30/10/2006 21:18

wannabe, totally agree.

Siane · 30/10/2006 22:23

Wannabe1974
I don't think you're reading my messages right. I'm saying that maybe, in some instances the marriage was failing or had failed. Not always, just sometimes.I'm not condoning adultury. In my case, the marriage had been dead for some years when I met him. They went out on seperate nights with their friends, they sat in seperate rooms in the evenings, they ate alone. Yes, it was adultury and I slept with him knowing he had three kids. I would have preferred him to have left home before we did that and I feel ashamed we didn't. But our sleeping together did not end that marriage. In other cases it does. They are all different. My husband won't leave me for another woman as he was unhappy for years then and is happy now. I just wish he'd had the strength to leave earlier, before we'd met. In other cases, marriages can be repaired, in his, it was already irreperable. That's that. And all I'm saying in regards to this thread is that none of us know, from the very short email that started it, whether this marriage would have carried on happily if ther other woman hadn't shown up.

Original poster

SecondhandRose · 31/10/2006 07:41

I love that 'marry your mistress create a vacancy'. Well, my friend wants me to keep typing but I want her to come on here to get some support "Where are you S?"

I am hoping she won't go down there.

But ladies, we need some coping strategies. Can you help, how did you cope with all this?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/10/2006 09:24

I picked up on this comment:-
"In my case, the marriage had been dead for some years when I met him. They went out on seperate nights with their friends, they sat in seperate rooms in the evenings, they ate alone".

To which I would reply that unless you also lived in their house and saw this actually happening you cannot assume that their marriage was indeed in such a perilous state. His version of events which you heard may not have tallied with hers at all.

kikki · 31/10/2006 09:31

I totally agree with Atilathemeerkat,
No man is going to try and seduce a potential mistress by saying telling her positive things about his marriage. My Mum said that there would be no affairs in the world if when a man approached a woman and was not single(or whenever she discovered he wasn't) she told him that they could not be involved there would be no opportunity for men to have affairs(this also applies to woman cheating on men) but unfortunately several women don't seem to care if the man is married/in a relationship etc. and they selfishly carry on regardless of the persons other half, children etc.
Do unto others as you wish to be done unto you!

Siane · 31/10/2006 12:54

Atillathemeerkat - I couldn't be sure that was how things were with just his word for it no. Happily though I also have hers and her daughter's. I remember my (now) stepdaughter saying to me a few months after he left that she was glad the hammer finally fell and something had to change to get one of them to leave, it had been visibly over for some time. We have all talked at length about it over the years and the consensus is that his leaving hurt desperately at the time but to have stayed would have been to draw out the bitterness and slow death of the marriage. The exwife and I now talk every week about the kids, she talks about how much happier DH is and she is. We've also talked about the humilation for her that he left to be with someone else, and didn't just leave although we didn't live together for 2 years after he left home. I have apologised and felt years feeling guilty about seeing him those 4 times he still lived under her roof. The only point I am trying to make - and I must be doing it really badly - is that some men do lie, cheat and abuse their partner and others actually are sad, in a loveless marriage and leave to live a different life. Lucky for me I met one in the latter category.
For the woman who started the thread, I would offer advice although it might not be welcome. That would be that only the wife knows whether the marriage has been abandoned needlessly or whether years of trying together to make it work bore no fruit. If it was a needless fling then the best way to hurt the other woman must simply be to ignore her. She cannot build a relationship with the children without the mother's participation as the children will side with the mother out of loyalty and she cannot enjoy a normal relationship with the man without the kids.

Lasvegas · 31/10/2006 13:48

Nearly 4 years later I still wish I had had words. I didn't coz it was freezing January and I had new born baby and was bf all the time and getting no sleep and the bastard took the car with him - so I didn't go. But on reflection I would have asked a friend for a lift and taken baby (no choice BF on demand) and found out when she was on duty as a police woman and turned up at her place of work and made merry hell. Ex h also worked in same place so it would have been double wammy.

Lasvegas · 31/10/2006 13:54

Just recalled a work incident. V senior chap having affair with secretary, he and partner had had 3 kids under 5. Partner turned up at work with the kids and threw his clothes into reception - we are talking very prestigious head office - and said tell X the secretary/mistress that she can wash Y's dirty under pants from now on. No-one knew about the affair until this happened. I think it was very cool of her. If only I had done something like that - but sleep deprivation of new born babe rotted my brain!

maturer · 31/10/2006 19:19

In my situation I went to see HER twice and it empowered me, made me realise she was nothing to be feared. It enabled me to make choices and to get a handle on just what I was dealing with.

When you dh has an affair and you are totally oblivious of it one of the worst feelings is one of having no control over the situation. you feel a stranger (in my case- she was his work colleague, never knew she existed)has sneaked into your life and stolen one of the most precious things from you and you didn't even have a chance to see what was happening.

For me, in my situation I went to see her to bring the "fantasy" to an end......for that's what most affairs are, they are not real life they are nothing to do with love, they are escapism. It is one thing having an affair with someone knowing they have a wife and 3 children some where in the distance...it's another thing when the wife is sitting infront of you, being calm and "civilized" talking about her life with dh and the 3 children making real life come to you.
I also went to see her family for the same reasons to bring reality into it all.

Each person has a different story to tell....I certainly would not advocated involving the children....the damage to them could be far reaching....nor do I suggest you go if you know you can't resist hitting her but ....well all I can say is I found it empowering and it worked in helping to bring my dh back into the real world to a point where he finally realised the stupidity in what he'd done. Only your friend can judge what might or might not be gained from this.

kikki · 31/10/2006 22:04

I think the hardest thing is wondering what the mistress has that you don't have.
I have never met the woman my husband ran off with but I have spoken to(shouted at her) and she once had the audacity to reply to an e-mail that I sent to him(she never did that again because he hit the roof with her). All I hear from friends and his family is that she doesn't have a patch on me. She can't spell or compose sentences properly and she sounds as common as muck. Despite all this she must have something. She had no kids, a dishwasher, a dead end job and a rover MG sports car, so maybe that was the deciding factor. I guess I have had a lucky escape if that all it takes to make my ex walk out on a loving VERY tolerant wife and baby.
I regret not talking to her earlier, before she had the chance to get the claws into him but then again if it wasn't her I'm sure it was only a matter of time before he was seduced by another girl without any responsibiltity and a fancy car.

bloodyhowler · 31/10/2006 22:25

What does she want to say to her?
Is she looking for answers or just a rant?
She should try and keep her dignity however difficult.Does he help with the children etc and how long has the affair been going on?

hatwoman · 31/10/2006 22:33

I think in that situation I would be tempted to write. I would probably spend days composing something that hit her hard with the reality. I wouldn't explicitly try to dissuade her, I would just want to be able to look back in years to come knowing that I at least told her. I think it would probably haunt me if I felt that she was living some wonderful happy life in blissful ignorance (which I know is unlikely, but I might think it). I think the point is that we're all different - some people would feel better from punching her in the face, some would feel they had lost their dignity, some would feel empowered from meeting her, some would feel they had succesfully dispersed some sort of myth, some would find it devastating, some would feel satisfaction from the dumping the dirty clothes in the office or manure on the drive, some would find themselves loosing their cool and the whole scene disintegrating this frustrating the envisioned coolness. your friend is really the only person that knows the answer. you can only help her talk it through and be there for her. I told my mum recently about a friend who was getting divorced - my dad left her for another woman after 30 years of marriage - and my mum said to me - she won;t believe it now, but it does get better. my mum has a brilliant life, with great friends, and a close relationship with me and her grandchildren. whatever happens now - your friend will make it through.

hatwoman · 31/10/2006 22:35

that's terribly muddled - my mum said that my friend won't believe it now, but it does get better.

sleepfinder · 01/11/2006 14:01

No she should not confront the mistress. She could be anyone and really doesn't matter. Its the husband who has left and betrayed and the anger should be directed at him, where it belongs. Forget the other woman, what goes around comes around and she'll likely find herself in the same situation in a few yrs time...

Mellowma · 01/11/2006 14:25

Message withdrawn

Mellowma · 01/11/2006 14:26

Message withdrawn

SSSandy · 01/11/2006 14:30

I realise I'm stepping on toes but I'm telling the truth here. I have zero tolerance for women who'll sleep with a married man. I had a married man trying to get me to go out with him last week , very obviously out for an affair and I just said straight out: "There's two things I would never do and one of them is sleeping with a married man". That was it and I wouldn't discuss it at all . Think he was a bit dumbfounded but had to accept it, end of story. Had this a few times and that's how I always deal with it.

Even if you don't KNOW a man is married when you start going out with him, when you do find out, you END it. Don't accept any excuses for it myself. It's always avoidable. If you have to have to have him, wait till he's divorced. If you or he can't, it isn't real love anyway.

To the OP:Obviously his mistress is a bitch but what will your friend actually achieve by confronting her? Is she hoping to feel better? She might feel worse if the woman is say cold and sneering or even laughs at her. Does she want the dh back? In principle, I find it OK to go and confront her if she can carry it off and knows how she'll respond in various possible scenarios. The thing is she has to come out of it feeling better and the other woman worse, otherwise she definitely shouldn't do it.

bundle · 01/11/2006 14:31

surely the zero tolerance should be for the man who's messing around 2 women?

desperateSCOUSEwife · 01/11/2006 14:32

Yes she should confront the mistress
and hand her his dirty skidmarked undies and say to her
HERE
you are welcome to him

a msg for your friend
keep your dignity sweetie, I was left with 4 kids
and life has never been better since he went

it might not seem it now, but I promise you things will only get better
be strong, dignified
and make a list of all his dirty habits and traits and keep reminding yourself of all the bad things
good luck sweetie, my thoughts and vibes are with you
xxx

Mellowma · 01/11/2006 14:37

Message withdrawn

SSSandy · 01/11/2006 14:38

zero tolerance obviously for BOTH but we're talking about confronting the mistress here

bundle · 01/11/2006 14:40

I don't think she should, though it will be hard to resist.

overdraft · 01/11/2006 16:03

When it happened to me I already knew her she was a friend to us both and live next door.I think that is worse because my children and I were very real to her.I hit her on the night I found out. I have never hit antone in my life by the way and would not recomend it. A few days later I talked to her and she cryed. That empowered me. She was a bunny boiler type woman who wanted to be like me and have what I/we had.Anyway If I didn't know her I would go and see her. I would want to know what she looked like and the sort of person she was. At the end of the day though affairs are just sex and fantasy and men very rarely choose someone as attractive as their partners so looks are nothing to do with it. We all know what type of women go for married men anyway. Sad discontented women with low self estem and put out and are selfish

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