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Original poster

Good friend's husband has just left her with 4 children, should she confront mistress?

87 replies

SecondhandRose · 30/10/2006 17:38

I have said no, it will mean long journey to London, she has had words on the phone and now wants to go into town for more words. I have said not a good idea as I don't think she'll feel any better for it.

Messages with support as she is very down please. And no it isn't me, I don't have 4 children.

OP posts:
Piffle · 30/10/2006 19:47

Crikey so there is some husband in the same bloody boat somewhere as well then.
What a catastrophic imploding mess, hard that anyone can find true lasting love on the back of so much ugliness and pain.

handlemecarefully · 30/10/2006 19:52

Lots of warmth and sympathy for your friend, but if she has it out with the other woman and loses her temper she might end up feeling degraded and humiliated.

Tell her to hold her head up high in front of the two of them, she can let her true emotions out in the company of loving supportive friends like you

Blu · 30/10/2006 19:57

Poor woman, what a horrible thing to happen to her.

But no, she shouldn't confront the woman. All that will do is make the woman feel defensive, self-justified in what she has been party to, and it will sweep away any twinges of conscience the woman may have. Keeping her dignity will be a thorn in the side of the woman's conscience.

And she definitley shouldn't involve the kids, poor things!

MistressMiggins · 30/10/2006 20:03

no - unless she can be calm
could she phone?

I phoned my exH mistress twice. First time was night b4 I asked him to leave....and she even ended the conversation saying "if you ever need to talk...."

2nd time I rang her was after the first weekend when kids stayed at their house - I wanted to ask her how she thought it went....I was very calm both times

there is little point showing photos of the family - she KNOWS he has kids - she obviously didnt care so it wont make any difference.

I DO believe that she is to blame - not 50% with the H but she does take some blame - if you know someone is married then maybe fair game, if you know they have kids, to me that should be a no-no OR at least make the H leave b4 you start a relationship so you can hold your head up high when you finally meet the kids

my exH mistress does not want the kids to know EVER that she was a mistress - shes told me that....maybe that will be my revenge cos if the kids ask me when older (and I mean old enough to understand) I will show them my exH statement of adultery.......

Siane · 30/10/2006 20:05

Emotive word, mistress. Makes me one then as my husband was with his ex-wife when I fell in love with him and I'm now stepmother to his 3 children and have one between us. We're all happy and I finally have a good relationship with his exwife.
Don't confront her. It's not her fault. The marriage failed, he fell in love with someone else. Have it out with him - he messed up the marriage or...maybe they both did. You can't steal someone elses husband, we don't live in the movies. They leave, they don't get stolen. She'll have to live with the children's rancour and her husbands guilt for the next few years, and other people's attitudes. That's punishment enough, belive me.

FioFio · 30/10/2006 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Piffle · 30/10/2006 20:06

Will it be your reason for divorce MM?
It'll be public record thus

handlemecarefully · 30/10/2006 20:09

Hmmm - not convinced Siane. (lots of unwritten subtext there)

FioFio · 30/10/2006 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kikki · 30/10/2006 20:16

Hi
I have called the woman(I use the term loosely)that my husband ran off with.I couldn't keep calm. As far as I am concerned she is a cold, selfish,shameless person. She thinks it's not her fault and fails to see that she has destroyed my marriage and stolen my son's father. Yes, if he didn't want to be elsewhere he wouldn't be but as far as I am concerned she had the option to keep her legs closed. He spun her a bag of lies about living in a separate room in our house and all sorts of crap. More fool her for buying it. It appears that she has finally found out what he is like only not until she got herself knocked up by him. I have called her several times to tell her to leave my husband and family alone to no avail. I have finally got to the point where I can see she is welcome to him as he is 'bad rubbish'. I can now see that my son and I have a lucky escape.
I think you should do whatever makes you feel better. Your husband and this woman are being selfish, now it's your turn. It may not do any good but call her and prick her conscience(if she has one!) if you want to.

kikki · 30/10/2006 20:16

Hi
I have called the woman(I use the term loosely)that my husband ran off with.I couldn't keep calm. As far as I am concerned she is a cold, selfish,shameless person. She thinks it's not her fault and fails to see that she has destroyed my marriage and stolen my son's father. Yes, if he didn't want to be elsewhere he wouldn't be but as far as I am concerned she had the option to keep her legs closed. He spun her a bag of lies about living in a separate room in our house and all sorts of crap. More fool her for buying it. It appears that she has finally found out what he is like only not until she got herself knocked up by him. I have called her several times to tell her to leave my husband and family alone to no avail. I have finally got to the point where I can see she is welcome to him as he is 'bad rubbish'. I can now see that my son and I have a lucky escape.
I think you should do whatever makes you feel better. Your husband and this woman are being selfish, now it's your turn. It may not do any good but call her and prick her conscience(if she has one!) if you want to.

kikki · 30/10/2006 20:16

Hi
I have called the woman(I use the term loosely)that my husband ran off with.I couldn't keep calm. As far as I am concerned she is a cold, selfish,shameless person. She thinks it's not her fault and fails to see that she has destroyed my marriage and stolen my son's father. Yes, if he didn't want to be elsewhere he wouldn't be but as far as I am concerned she had the option to keep her legs closed. He spun her a bag of lies about living in a separate room in our house and all sorts of crap. More fool her for buying it. It appears that she has finally found out what he is like only not until she got herself knocked up by him. I have called her several times to tell her to leave my husband and family alone to no avail. I have finally got to the point where I can see she is welcome to him as he is 'bad rubbish'. I can now see that my son and I have a lucky escape.
I think you should do whatever makes you feel better. Your husband and this woman are being selfish, now it's your turn. It may not do any good but call her and prick her conscience(if she has one!) if you want to.

Siane · 30/10/2006 20:17

Handlemecarefully - there's no subtext. That's judgemental but sort of proves my point. I'm not a marriage wrecker, I met the right man at the wrong time. It was hideous for 3 years. I used to feel like you obviously do, but I didn't look for it, and oddly enough, would never opt for a married man with 3 difficult teenagers, given the choice. Funny that.

Siane · 30/10/2006 20:17

Handlemecarefully - there's no subtext. That's judgemental but sort of proves my point. I'm not a marriage wrecker, I met the right man at the wrong time. It was hideous for 3 years. I used to feel like you obviously do, but I didn't look for it, and oddly enough, would never opt for a married man with 3 difficult teenagers, given the choice. Funny that.

Siane · 30/10/2006 20:17

Handlemecarefully - there's no subtext. That's judgemental but sort of proves my point. I'm not a marriage wrecker, I met the right man at the wrong time. It was hideous for 3 years. I used to feel like you obviously do, but I didn't look for it, and oddly enough, would never opt for a married man with 3 difficult teenagers, given the choice. Funny that.

MistressMiggins · 30/10/2006 20:20

oh yes it is the reason I have been granted a "quick" divorce

he has signed it as adultery with un-named person & still going on

sorry Siane - Im sure thats how you & your DP live with your actions but its not always black and white

if you'd seen my ex b4 I asked him to leave, he was completely lovey-dovey after I found out about the affair AND didnt kick him out - we went on holiday, he was like a rabbit on heat (not that we'd stopped having sex during his affair) and we even went house hunting

the ONLY reason he moved in with her is cos I TOLD him to leave and he cant be by himself

anyway this thread is not about the mistress - its whether OP's friend should confront the mistress, & I stand by my first post - no

DastardlyDevilishDior · 30/10/2006 20:35

Well, if she knew he had children, then she obviously is at fault. I'll stop playing devil's advocate. However, I would definitely not confront her. Tell your friend to keep her pride. It might feel like the right thing to do now but eventually she'll be glad she didn't.

Siane · 30/10/2006 20:38

Mistress Miggins - you're right. It's not black and white and I think it's impossible to put people in 'mistress' categories or 'wronged women' categories. It's not how we live with our actions, it's not a justification. It's how things were and are. Your case sounds awful and is different to mine. People have a bad experience then automatically tar every woman in that category with the same brush. It's not right and it's not fair. Some marriages fail. Some people meet their next partner when they're still with their current one. Equally, some men are pigs and just go shagging about.
In answer to the person who posted this thread - surely the wife should confront the mistress if she really is a cow and her husband really is a pig. Only she will know that. Maybe that's not the case. Maybe the marriage was failing or had failed. We don't know do we. No one knows except for those 3 in that awful mess.

joelallie · 30/10/2006 20:39

siane - do you really think that in those circs marriages are always failures. Adultery doesn't always happen just because marriages are not working. Sometimes they happen because one or other party gives in to temptation, and then can't break the habit. Doesn't indicate that the original relationship was lacking in any real sense.

More often than not the party that is having the affair gets found out and precipitates a marital breakdown. Adultery is quite a deal breaker in even the most stable marriages. To say that only happens because the marriage was weak in the first place is a huge leap of logic.

witchscatsmother · 30/10/2006 20:47

SHR - please try and persuade your friend against confronting this woman. I'm sure you have already but keep impressing on her how she is far better than both her husband and this woman ..... whatever problems there may or may not have been at home, she, at the very least, has been honest.

If she makes a scene, there's every chance H & mistress will laugh at her, and she will feel doubly humiliated. If H has been telling her what an awful/mad wife he has, then an outburst will give them the evidence they need to "prove" this and may even actually make them feel better about what they're doing. Practically, and I know it's absolutely not fair, but a scene may also make H more hostile when it comes to sorting out the divorce.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Maybe one day your friend will get an opportunity to get her own back, or maybe fate will do it for her - maybe one day H will cheat on this woman too and show her what it's like (and hopefully she'll do the same to him too). Even if that opportunity arises, your friend is now in a position to meet someone far far better than this dishonest rat ..... not that I'm suggesting she should do anything like that for quite some time, but fact is, she is going to be better off without him (though it may not feel like that now) and one day she'll be happier than she could have ever been with someone dishonest.

handlemecarefully · 30/10/2006 20:47

All marraiges go through rough patches - all you need during a round patch is for some twunt to come along and muscle in on your husband / wife and it's tits up.

But if the potential third party was to do the right thing and back off, quite probably the marraige would weather the storm and get back on track.

Dh and I had a very rough period after the birth of our first child. Fortunately neither of us philandered and the rift between us healed. But I expect we would could have been royally shafted if either of us had been weak or a bit of willing skirt / trousers has happened by

handlemecarefully · 30/10/2006 20:48

Any way - sorry, should get the thread back to the problems that SHR's friend is going through

mummycan · 30/10/2006 20:48

Just wanted to say my first post was knee jerky and irresponsible. I don't think she should really involve the children but I do wonder what these women are thinking - it's possible she didn't know he had a family when they started (if you want to give her the benefit of the doubt) but I would guess she knows now. It never ceases to amaze me that 10 people can be so selfish as to ruin the lives of the people that they love and 20 that some people can say it's not my responsibility - I 'm not the one who's attached/married/aparent. Of course you take responsibility - we are grown ups - we HAVE to take responsibility for our actions.

Hearing about this sort of thing always makes me feel sad and empty.

satine · 30/10/2006 20:51

If the friend does confront the mistress, then she'll be doing it to try to make herself feel better - by taking out her anger and hurt and desire for revenge on the person she may feel is responsible for the situation she's in. The problem is, there are so many emotions involved that it would be almost certain to descend into an ugly scene and your friend probably wouldn't emerge with the desired result, ie the mistress admitting her guilt and responsibility and promising to leave the husband alone. If a friend of mine were in this position, I think I'd try my hardest to keep her away from the mistress at least until the intial period of fury and pain had passed.

satine · 30/10/2006 20:53

The old saying "marry your mistress, create a vacancy" springs to mind - not much consolation for your friend now, but after the honeymoon period is over with the new woman...

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