Long and a bit of a repeat, but could really, really do with advice please :(

[whatisyournameplease]

I have NC and posters may recognise me from previous posts - but please don't comment with 'changing your name won't get a different response' - I have done so as I really want to keep my identity from RL private.

I met DP 4 years ago. We lived togehter after 8 months, for what was a wonderful nearly 2 years. We moved apart due to work, despite the fact we could have lived in the middle, my DP didn't want to have to have a 40 minute commute to work compared with what was his current 20 minute one. When we moved in, we always knew I would have to move due to work for a temporarly 20 month time frame. We discussed it and I made it clear if we moved in I would want us to live in the middle when my job started. He was all for it throughout the duration of us living together, but when it came to it, right at the last minute (ie the day before we were going to sign on a tenancy), he changed his mind. I later realised he had told his friends and family that he had no intention of moving to the middle of our works, at least a week beforehand. He also told his parents that I was being unfair on him etc etc, and they actually thought I had made him go and view houses...when in actual fatc he had volunteered to view many after work when I was working late and sent me photos! The whole thing broke me, I was so upset, and...what was my DP's reaction? To say he needed space. So he had 2 weeks of not seeing me, right when I had started my new job and could have really done with some support. He even didn't speak to me over one weekend, didn't answer texts, nothing. I'm still not 100% past all this - it hurts to think about it. That was a few months back, and since then, he has been in and out of the UK with work, so I have seen him very little, maybe 3 weeks on, 3 off, for example. We never moved to the middle. Just to add to the mix, in this time frame, his mother asked to move in with him...she is extremely nasty about me and has said in the past that she doesn't want me there when my DP visits - she would rather just see him. They have what I feel to be an odd relationship - he had cried once when she fell out with her friend (oshe loses friends on a regular basis). She can also be manipulative with DP - telling him what other sons have done for their mothers, with a clear 'point' to it. She is divorced. Anyway, that's just an added extra.

Things were getting better for a while - DP seemed to have made an effort to stop MIL from being negative about our relationship and to accept us. We would go out when he visited and he was quite generous with money (not that he struggles for it). It got to the point where he decided that yes, it was right for us to move to the middle and that he regretted not having done so at the time, and 'can only apologise.' We started looking at places. 2 weeks later, he announces he is moving to New Zealand for 6 months and he is happy about it. He has offered to pay rent for me here so we can go ahead with gettind 'our place' and starting afresh. He has offered to give me use of his car and he will still make the monthly payments. He has said he will pay for me to fly out and he will come back. He says he wants it to work. I feel utterly broken and exhausted after all that has happened. I feel I can't trust him as he always said he wouldnt go to New Zealand for more than a month. He has told me he wants to marry me (says this regularly, but no ring..., just words), says he loves me and is committed, and says when he is back we will buy somewhere (it coincides with me finishing my 20 month working away).

I have found the whole thing really difficult to accept. I feel so lost and his reaction so far this week has been to pretty much say 'deal with it.' I know that is what I have to do, but why isn;t he making it any easier? How do I even knoe he will want to come back after 10 months? His track record of being genuine isn't exactly great. I have of course told him al lthi s- to which he says I have to believe him. If it is going to work I need to be positive and happy etc, and at the moment I am a mess. Is this just an unlucky streak and should I forgive the past and try again with this huge challenge to trust his intentions? Please help.

*10 months in NZ not 6!

He is no DP and this is really over bar the shouting. No trust - no relationship.

His mother and he also have a dysfunctional relationship - yet another big problem.

Words are cheap, its actions that count. Think you are and have been royally messed around by him. I do not think he should have any more chances than you have already given him. I do not think he is ready and or able to have a relationship with anyone, he remains emotionally unavailable and tied to his mother.

If my DP read your response, he would say that he does loads for me...did loads on valentines (he did), and that he is prepared to make committments to me (his car, rent payments, visits). He would say I should support him in wanting to do this for his career (it means he would be in a better position when he is back).

When he says those things, I feel so confused. We had such a happy time living together...how can this have happened? Why did he change?

Words are cheap, what has he really done here?. He continues to put his work and his mother before you; is this what you really want from a relationship. You accept very little and your relationship bar to my mind is far too low.

So what if he did a lot for you on Valentines day; what about the other 364 days of the year?. He keeps messing you about and informs you only of a change of plans at the last possible second. As for him not originally wanting a 40 minute commute, ahh diddums!. Its pathetic of him actually. This is not someone you should be in a relationship with.

Thanks for you response. I feel so broken.

Fair enough if you want to name change, but what do you want to get from this thread, OP? Last time you got a range of advice which I think gave you a fair overview of your options. I think you excluded some of the back story - the fact you had been meant to be moving together to facilitate your work until he backed out at the last minute. Not to mention the deeply odd request from his mum to move in.

Is it an unlucky streak when he has done the same thing repeatedly? Said what you want to hear and then done the opposite?

Attila is quite right - judge him by his actions. And his actions show that he's just not that into you and he doesn't really care if he hurts you by promising stuff that he fails to follow through on. Honestly, you would have to be mad to take on a rented place on the promise of cash from him - his promises are worthless. The last thing you want is to end up in debt because of rent you can't afford on your own.

I am sorry you feel broken but he has done this and you can and will heal in time.

You and he are not good together; also its not you but him. His own dysfunctional relationship with his mother in itself would also have me heading fast in the opposite direction.

tribpot I know, I'm sorry, I just don't know who t turn to IRL as they know him and it impacts the advice.

I so want him to be the man he was when we lived together :(

For me, depending on our ages, I would not stand in the way of the NZ thing - what a great opportunity for him.

However, with the history, and his inability to compromise re the commute two years ago, the relationship with his mother - I think I'd be cutting my losses.

I don't believe relationships should be hard work - certainly not like yours.

"did loads on Valentines" - like what? Not propose. Not choose to stay in the UK. Not choose a very reasonable commute so you could move your lives together forward instead of waiting in a state of suspended animation for him to be 'ready'. It sounds as if your head is too easily turned by cheap gestures. Other than your youth (which makes it fairly understandable!) why do you think that is? He's throwing you crumbs.

tribpot part of it is the fact I hope he will return to his former self when we lived together. The other part is a huge insecruity that like my friends have, I iwll never find a man to marry and have a family with.

I agree - it is just words and future promising. Actions show you what kind of man he is. Don't waste any more of your life on him - he isn't worth it. stop waiting for him to decide he wants you. Decades could pass and you could be no far further forward - except he may let you use his car, how generous of him!

Where is your self esteem - don't you think you deserve more? Oh and his mother - she sounds an utter nightmare.

I wouldn't be moving into a house (renting one with him) if he's going away for 10 months. Obviously he's decided he's going but don't assume he's coming back. Get on with your life and if he comes back and wants to buy a home with you/contine your relationship etc and that's what YOU want too then fine. I wouldn't count on it. Don't put your life on hold for him, he isn't for you.
It's okay to have time apart, for him to go away but it has to be something you are both comfortable with, if you're not then leave- clearly you both have different takes on what a relationship involves though, i couldn't be committed to someone who up and leaves whenever his works says so- some people can though & I don't think there's any right or wrong to it.
Go with your gut!

is a huge insecruity that like my friends have, I iwll never find a man to marry and have a family with.

Although with dreadful irony, staying with this guy is the one thing that will mean you will never find a man to marry or have a family with. He can't manage an extra 20 mins on his commute to live with you - he's hardly the marrying kind.

He's wasting your time. You know what kind of relationship you want, and it isn't the kind he wants. Much better to be finding someone who does want the same kind of relationship as you. Not to mention he sounds like a shifty, shiftless, cruel wanker.

As soon as I got to the part where he would not commit to an extra 20 minute commute in order to be with you it rang alarm bells. When I was pregnant my then OH and I lived in separate houses and he wouldn't let me stay over as it meant he had to get up earlier and drive me to the station. He preferred to let me walk half a mile uphill in the dark instead. I should have walked away then. He was telling me how selfish he is. Your DP is doing the same.

Oh, and he'll carry on paying for his car and let you use it? He would have to carry on paying for it anyway and he's letting you take care of it for him.

Thanks everyone. pringlelicker his response to that would be that he would have sold the car...

A cynic comments: he must have known at the time he he decided that yes, it was right for us to move to the middle and that he regretted not having done so at the time that the New Zealand move was on the cards. Thus, he could say what you always wanted to hear, knowing full well that it would be the best part of a year before he could be called to put it into action.

He sounds like the master of the up-front grand gesture and the smooth words, but not so good on following through with anything longer term. Making a big show of Valentine's is just one day, but living somewhere that suited you better than him would have been an ongoing inconvenience and therefore it didn't happen. Will it ever happen? Well, if you've got a spare year, hang around and find out. Otherwise, I'd be wondering whether there was anyone more ready for commitment who you're missing the opportunity of getting together with. The bonus of not having his mother as your MIL would be quite appealing.

What do you want us to say? Yes of course he is utterly devoted to you and you should wait for him? Because from here it looks like he treats you like a convenience, and you just make yourself available to him when he sees fit. All fine and dandy until he meets someone he does want to commit to - then he will prob dump you from a great height.

why would he say the things he does if he doesnt mean them?

why would he pay money each month and buy me flights to see him, if he doesnt actually want to be with me?

I'm so confused.

He does loads for you when they're things HE wants to do because they don't cost him anything. - and they keep you on side.

But when it comes to the big stuff - you see the truth of it. He comes first. You - your wishes, your plans, your career - don't matter.

If he comes back from NZ, it'll be because it works for him. If he marries you, it'll be because it works for him and there's no better offer. Etc., etc., for the rest of your life. If he doesn't want to marry/live together/have kids, you can just take a running jump - what you want won't matter to him.

Dump him now. Don't live a half life because you're with a determinedly selfish fucker.

The key here is that he keeps changing his mind so you cannot rely on him. What is to stop him changing his mind about the rent payments once he is in New Zealand and mummy dearest has bent his ear about what a scrounger you are? Then what?

You can't rely on him and, for what it's worth, I would run screaming for the hills from a man in such a dysfunctional relationship with his mother. I would see New Zealand as a lucky escape to be honest.

Do you have DC? I do hope there are not any DC being subjected to this mans whims.

He hasn't made those rent payments or bought those flights for you yet, though, has he? My money is on him changing his mind about tht, just as he has done with all his other promises to you.

why would he say the things he does if he doesnt mean them?

• to keep you where you are. He WANTS a partner, of course he does. He WANTS to be with you. But only if you fit in with his life and he doesn't have to give up anything he wants to do for you. Because you as a person aren't actually very important to him. However, if keeping you conveniently around only costs him flights and words, it's more than worth it. Relationships are nice!

why would he pay money each month and buy me flights to see him, if he doesnt actually want to be with me? - He does! He does want to be with you. Because right now, it works fine. You may grumble, but you're essentially putting up with being wifey at home, bending all the time, putting yourself second to accommodate him. Brilliant. Exactly what he wants.

He talks about getting married.

What would happen if you suggested getting married now and going to NZ as a couple?

I think his reaction would tell you everything you need to know. It might bring some clarity to your feelings, too.

A 10 month separation is difficult enough for an established couple. For two people who aren't even living together and have unresolved problems, it's doomed to failure.